So - I have the opposite problem of Toots at T-Day

[POF]

I usually host XMAS and I let folks bring dessert / drinks if they want to.  But I am usually OK doing it myself and not being held hostage to one of my whackaloon inlaws remembering to bring a critical item. ( Or come right as we are sitting down and then need to COOK said item ).

SIL hosts T-Day. I always offer to bring appetizers and some non alcoholic drinks.  ( She is very unorganized and we will starve - please beverages will consist of tap water and flat soda ) .  I will usually bring  green salad ( NON authorized ) because i have to limit starches and she doesn't think potato, squash or corn is a starch.

A few years ago  - she called me to tell me to bring the vegetables ( ALL of them ) - and then tell me she wants me to also bring a dessert my kids would like.  She was having a lot if desserts - but did not know if the kids in the family would like them.  So I am know bringing Appies, beverages, 4 veggies and dessert. My DH called her up and said - we aren't coming if POF has to bring 50% of the meal. She works full time , plus you told us about the other stuff on the Tuesday PM before Thanksgiving. ( and i had to work the next day ).

So that calmed down - but last year loads of out of town guests were around so I did make quite a few dishes. 

SIL ( Lakehouse Sally )  btw - called this week to say - I am going to be away until right before T-Day and then I'll be busy - but I'll do the turkey and you and Betty ( her daughter - my neice ) can take care of the rest.  DH said - nope - but we can host if you can't.   OH I can host - I just won't be able to provide any of the food other than turkey.   if it wasn't for DH's 95 year old mother - who HAS to be at Sally's house for T-Day - we bag it and go away. ( Note there will be 20 folks there - mostly friends of her kids and her late husbands family .... ) Apparently these people aren't bringing anything because they are guests.

I will bring an app, 2 sides and a dessert and that is it.  I told her that was all I could manage. I am bringing mashed butternut, fall salad and my toffee candy.  App will be a cheese tray.

I am only doing at DH's request ot keep the peace -

[Moray]

How frustrating. It sounds like you're handling it well enough, though.

I'm a little confused as to what the question is; are you looking for phrasing for when SIL asks why you haven't brought a whole bunch of veggie dishes?

[Kaypeep]

I'm still not clear on what the final situation is?  Your SIL asked you to bring sides for 20 people, but you're only bringing 2 sides, and app and a dessert?

The whole situation DOES sound idiotic.  I wouldn't use the mom as justification to go.  I'd skip it and have mom over to my own house the next day if she's so adament about going to your SIL's.  Just because she wants to go doesn't mean you have to deal with these demands to do all the work.  I don't see how any of this would be enjoyable.  Stay home and see your MIL over the weekend!

[buvezdevin]

It sounds like SIL wants to host so far as deciding the guest list (inviting some folks not related/known to you), but wants you and Betty to cater the majority of food and beverages, and is using Grandma as leverage to get her way.  I congratulate you on not drawing a boundary on what you will bring.  If Betty brings as much as you, sounds like a reasonable spread, if you are both making really big dishes given the size of the crowd.

In addition to specifying what you will bring, you might want to guesstimate how many servings - I could see even a large cheese tray vanishing pretty quickly with 20 folks if the turkey runs late.

[doodlemor]

Sally's never going to change, is she.  It's understandable that your aged MIL wants to spend Thanksgiving with both Sally and your DH, but this makes the holiday much more difficult for your family. 

Didn't you once write something to the effect that Sally likes the *idea* of hosting much more than the actual *doing* of her hosting duties.  For her to call you on Tuesday before Thanksgiving really shows how clueless she is.  Perhaps she should call a supermarket that does Thanksgiving if she finds herself in a jam again.

You have been a pillar of decorum and good manners in dealing with these people over the years.  Best of luck with the holidays coming up this year. 

[TootsNYC]

well, Betty's her daughter, so of course she will pick up the slack, no?
After all, she can be IN the house where the event will take place. And she's the daughter of the household and therefore Assistant Hostess.


And the *help* you can offer is advice and encouragement.
Including info on companies/caterers who can provide meals or meal components.

Oh, and I suppose you can bring things that are purchasable. Like that cheese tray. (and please don't do much effort on this, or you will send her completely the wrong message.)

[POF]

Sorry if I confused everyone - really not an etiquette question - just the other side of the fence from Toot's dilemma.

I told her that I would bring a 13 X 9 pan of Butternut, Large Sala d big mixing bowl  , Large tin of toffee candy and 2 cheeseballs and crackers. I really do not xare if that is enough for 20 or not, I'm not hosting or catering.

[Moray]

Sorry if I confused everyone - really not an etiquette question - just the other side of the fence from Toot's dilemma.

I told her that I would bring a 13 X 9 pan of Butternut, Large Sala d big mixing bowl  , Large tin of toffee candy and 2 cheeseballs and crackers. I really do not xare if that is enough for 20 or not, I'm not hosting or catering.

You know, I totally understand the fatigue and frustration you're dealing with right now, but I can't imagine how bringing an inadequate portion for the part of the meal you did voluntarily commit to; the apps, especially knowing that the rest of the dinner is going to be late or disastrous; is going to help anyone.

Maybe it would be better to decline entirely; it would certainly be better for your stress level

[TootsNYC]

Oh, I don't think she committed to "providing half the food for the entire meal."

I think she committed to "bring a 9x13 pan of butternut squash, a large salad, some candy and some cheese."

Betty can take care of the rest--she's a grownup!

And if it's a disaster, then POF can take her family home and feed them food at their own house. I'm sure they won't hold it against POF if there's not enough food. (I'd be tempted to make sure everyone ate a very late and very large breakfast, just in case.)

POF is just "helping out a little," and as long as she has been clear about what she is bringing, the TRUE hostess has ALL the responsibility of making sure there's enough food for her guests.

[Moray]

Oh, I don't think she committed to "providing half the food for the entire meal."

I think she committed to "bring a 9x13 pan of butternut squash, a large salad, some candy and some cheese."

Betty can take care of the rest--she's a grownup!

And if it's a disaster, then POF can take her family home and feed them food at their own house. I'm sure they won't hold it against POF if there's not enough food. (I'd be tempted to make sure everyone ate a very late and very large breakfast, just in case.)

POF is just "helping out a little," and as long as she has been clear about what she is bringing, the TRUE hostess has ALL the responsibility of making sure there's enough food for her guests.

Who said she committed to the bolded? Salad and butternut squash aren't appetizers. She committed to apps, so she should bring adequate ones if she's going to attend.

[TootsNYC]

well, I'm sure POF, who was there, can tell us what she actually committed to *to Betty and Sally*.

In fact, here's what she told us:

I will bring an app, 2 sides and a dessert and that is it.  I told her that was all I could manage. I am bringing mashed butternut, fall salad and my toffee candy.  App will be a cheese tray.

I told her that I would bring a 13 X 9 pan of Butternut, Large Sala d big mixing bowl  , Large tin of toffee candy and 2 cheeseballs and crackers.

Those match up.

an app (2 cheeseballs and crackers)
2 sides (squash, salad)
my toffee candy (large tin of toffee candy)

Think you need to pick her apart anymore?

[POF]

Jeez, sorry I wasn't more clear about what I was bringing. Thanks Toots for clarifying.....

I never ever committed to bringing any type of food for 20 people. I DID not COMMIT to appetizers for everyone. I usually bring either a cheese tray, cheeseballs or veggie tray to a family gathering. No - it isn't enough for 20 people - but like I said .. I did not sign up for a potluck and even if I did - you usually do not have to bring enough for the entire group.

In my original post - I mentioned that she called my DH and TOLD him that she wanted Betty and I to take care of it. DH immediately told her NO.  He and I talked and I agreed to bring butternut squash - my MIL's fav and a 13X9 deep dish lasagna pan is a LOT of squash.  I will bring a large salad - because I eat it. My nephews love the toffee and I bring a very large tin of it.  I always bring the cheeseballs cause they are a favorite of other family members.  They are quite large and rich and go a long way.

Just because I am TOLD to bring something doesn't mean that I committed to it.  Just because I usually contribute by bringing an appetizer does not mean that I am responsible for the whole shebang.

Also 20 people is much larger than the usual gathering.   I see no need to incur a lor of extra work and expense for a huge party that I am not hosting.  And most of these people are not known to me. When we had an extended family gathering a few of us acted as "hosts" and divided the food among us. That is definitely not the case here.