Family wedding dramas, am I being an SS?

[aion]

This has to do with a wedding but is more about family relationships. Moderators please move if necessary.
 
I am feeling off about a cousins wedding conflicting with my own. and would like advice as to if I am being reasonable and how to proceed, or if I am being unreasonable and I should suck it up.

Short version: Sent a save the date to our wedding to a cousin, who is getting married about 6 months after us. Cousin did not respond to our save the date, but later sent an email save the date to their wedding, which we replied "yes" to. A month after our invites were sent out, I get an email from my Cousin wanting to know where we will be staying at her wedding. 20 minutes after this I get another email saying, quote "sorry, won't make it to your wedding, we have another wedding in your town the week before and don't feel up to doing both".

I'm not really bothered that they can't make it to our wedding, it would have been nice as I had always thought we got along, but they would have had to travel to get here, so understood, it's hard. What bugs me is that we haven't received an invitation to their wedding, just a save the date, but her wedding is so important that we have to tell her where we are staying 9 months out, but my wedding is so unimportant that I get no reply to my save the date and a "by the way, can't make it, got a better wedding down the road a week before" rsvp. She could have just said they couldn't make it.

This all got rubbed in a bit when I saw my father last week and he told me they had just  agreed to go to Cousin's wedding because she had been vocally complaining that the family had not been supportive enough of her wedding, and it was really messing her plans around that no one responded to her save the dates. (I always thought save the dates were a heads up, not a formal invitation requiring an rsvp, correct me if I am wrong, and hey, she didn't seem to think my save the date required a reply).

My etiquette question is this: given that we replied yes to a save the date, but have not yet received an invitation, would it be wrong of me to back out of attending her wedding? I'm not trying to be vindictive, but to be honest I am a bit sour and attending her wedding would require us to use vacation days and travel. Given that she doesn't really seem to care that much for us I'm not sure I care that much to travel for her.

[Acadianna]

A "save the date" isn't an invitation, and as such (as far as I know) requires no response.  I wouldn't consider a "yes" response to a "save the date" as equivalent to an RSVP.

As for the wedding invitation itself, an invitation is not a command.  If you don't want to go, then declining to attend is a perfectly acceptable response.  You don't have to give a reason, unless you choose to do so.

In short, I think you're fine on both.

[LeeLieLow]

For my wedding I sent "save the date" postcards to my out of town friends.  I did not expect a response and did not get a response from anyone.  I have never responded to a "save the date" card.  I do RSVP once I get an invitation.  You have not RSVP'ed until you respond to an invitation.  You can decide to go or not go to your cousin's wedding once you get an invitation. 

[Thipu1]

I don't think you are being an SS.

In my experience, an STD notice doesn't require a response.  An invitation does. 

You may have put yourself in an odd position by giving an affirmative response to the STD but, since you haven't received a real invitation, you are fine with not attending the Wedding.  After all, you can't be said to back out of an affair to which you have not been invited, can you?

[rashea]

While I certainly think you can back out, I think it will look like sour grapes. Especially if you back out so soon after hearing she can't make it to yours.

In short, you're in the clear according to etiquette, but there may be relationship consequences.

[bonyk]

Can you just reply that you don't know where you're staying; you haven't even gotten an invite yet?  In fact, you're not certain where your finances or your job situation will be a year from now, and you're not even sure if you're going to be able make it.

If she protests that you already said yes, act shocked and say that you didn't realize that that was an official RSVP, and that you'll let her know for sure after you get the invite.

[JenJay]

She's declining your wedding because she doesn't feel like making the drive... while pressuring you to commit to a hotel reservation for her wedding? Ouch!

I'm assuming you'll have the same length of trip to her wedding as she'd have to yours, and you mention having to use vacation time, so if you want to back out I think she's given you your "out". I'd respond for now "I'm not yet sure where we'll be staying as finances are a factor." then in a few weeks I'd write her "I'm sorry to say I won't be able to make it to your wedding after all. As you know gas, hotel expenses, time off work, etc. add up. I completely understand why you are unable to come to my wedding and I hope you can understand that I'm facing the same issue." I don't think it's vindictive at all, I think it's a matter of pointing out "I was going to make an effort to come for you, but since you've made it clear you do not feel inclined to make an effort for me, I'm now off the hook."

[JoyinVirginia]

Don't decide now.wait and see how you feel closer to the date.  As for demands re where you will stay, just say you are going to wait until after your wedding to make any decisions about where to stay.

[O'Dell]

I'm don't believe in putting more into a relationship that the other person does. Your cousin has shown you what priority she gives you and your relationship. It's fine to mirror that back to her.

It may come off as sour grapes if others end up knowing the details, but so what? Just don't advertise all the details. You didn't RSVP to an invitation so technically you haven't committed yet. When the invitation shows up, RSVP no and, while you aren't required to explain, you might want to say due to work and other obligations, you won't be able to attend after all. Send a nice card or small gift if you want.

[buvezdevin]

I'm don't believe in putting more into a relationship that the other person does. Your cousin has shown you what priority she gives you and your relationship. It's fine to mirror that back to her.

It may come off as sour grapes if others end up knowing the details, but so what? Just don't advertise all the details. You didn't RSVP to an invitation so technically you haven't committed yet. When the invitation shows up, RSVP no and, while you aren't required to explain, you might want to say due to work and other obligations, you won't be able to attend after all. Send a nice card or small gift if you want.

Well, yes.

Especially for the "mirroring" behavior.

I think you could say " thank you again for the information to save the date.  It's on our calendar, and we will send a reply to the wedding invitation when we receive one.  As your own recent experience in planning for travel, time and expense for attending weddings amply demonstrates - conflicting obligations or priorities sometimes affect one's ability to attend a wedding, and they may arise after a save the date notice but before responding to a wedding invitation.  Wishing you all the best."

[CaptainObvious]

I can't help but giggle when I see STD because of all those sex-ed films in school

[kudeebee]

I would reply that "we haven't decided yet".  I am trying to understand why she needs to know anyway, especially 9 months out.  If she sends more emails, ignore them.

When the invitation comes, I would RSVP " no".  She doesn't seem to value having a relationship with you, so why should you invest more time, Money, effort, using vacation days, etc than she is willing to do?  If asked, simply reply--and repeat over and over-- "we aren't able to attend". Or " we aren't able to attend due to work schedules". Then bean dip.  Do not offer more of an explanation or be drawn into discussion of what you could/ should do so you can go.  You can always add " I am sure it will be a nice wedding."

Hopefully your parents will also do what they reallynwant to do and not feel bullied into going..  Cousin is the one who sounds like the SS.

[SamiHami]

I'm wondering why the bride needs to know where you would be staying? What possible difference could it make to her?

Other than that, I think you've received some excellent advice.

[kareng57]

I'm wondering why the bride needs to know where you would be staying? What possible difference could it make to her?

Other than that, I think you've received some excellent advice.

Sometimes a hotel offers a discount if a minimum number of rooms are reserved for a particular event - or, they might offer another service (for example, a small hotel in my area offers a shuttle service for events at nearby golf clubs if there's a 10 or more rooms reserved for the event).

But I certainly don't see why they'd need to know this early before the invitations have even gone out - and STDs don't need to be replied to, anyway.  Very strange.

[Danika]

I POD everyone else. It seems unnecessarily mean for your cousin to essentially tell you "we've chosen someone else's wedding in your area over yours" even if it wasn't intended to be cruel. Maybe cousin is a bridesmaid, maybe the other bride is a very close friend, maybe they already committed to that one first and she didn't want you to find out through the grapevine and feel like she kept the info from you.

I think it's totally and completely reasonable for you not to know where you'd be staying for a wedding that you haven't even officially RSVPed to yet. I'd just tell her "We don't know yet" and leave it at that. And that buys you some time to decide if you don't want to go to her wedding. When you get the invitation, if you still don't feel like going out of your way to attend it when you weren't a priority to her, then just RSVP no. If you do decide to go because you like the town, or have friends and relatives you'd like to see, then you can go and not feel like you only did it out of obligation.