Mother's visit

[jamie1982]

Hi there

I hope this doesn't run too long and will try to be brief.  I moved to Canada a few months ago with my wife and I know my parents were disappointed to see me go.  About a month ago my Dad in particular made his views very clear (offensively so) that living with my in laws was being 'in a nest of vipers' and they would soon turn against me.  Although less vocal my Mom made her displeasure clear too.  She subsequently invited herself here but as there are no spare bedrooms (my sister in law is also staying here whilst her house is being built) I made it clear she would have to stay in a hotel room.  I'm not quite sure why but they ended up insisting I book the hotel room, about $800.  As I've not been working for 6 months money, although not desperately tight, is not exactly in abundance, and I wonder how to broach the subject of whether they plan to reimburse the cost.  My wife, who has a good paying job, isn't very impressed with either the support they gave us when we lived in my original country (I had some major health issues and they rarely visited) and now seem keen to interfere as we make a new life here.  Personally, I can't afford to pay her hotel bill and a flight home at Christmas, and nor do I feel particularly keen to do so anyway.  I'm sure if I say that it will be interpreted as my wife's interference, but I share many of her frustrations with my parents.  Anyone have any suggestions?  We're generally not a family which confront issues like this head on.

[rain]

you need to develope a spine - tell your parents you need the money by ___ date or you will have to cancell the hotel as you can't afford it at this time.


(((hugs))) to you and your DW

[Deetee]

Almost every hotel I have stayed at requires a credit card to hold the reservation but you don't get charged until you stay ( or get a one night charge if you  do not show up and haven't cancelled 24 to 48 hours beforehand)

So you can ask your mom for money up front and cancel the hotel room if she won't.


What I would do ( if this were me) is assume that I have $800 to spend to visit my parents. If it goes to a hotel they don't pay me back for the hotel no problem. I won't visit for Christmas and I'll mention why if asked.

I would keep my wife out of it by making it clear this was my decision.

[Pippen]

Almost every hotel I have stayed at requires a credit card to hold the reservation but you don't get charged until you stay ( or get a one night charge if you  do not show up and haven't cancelled 24 to 48 hours beforehand)

So you can ask your mom for money up front and cancel the hotel room if she won't.


What I would do ( if this were me) is assume that I have $800 to spend to visit my parents. If it goes to a hotel they don't pay me back for the hotel no problem. I won't visit for Christmas and I'll mention why if asked.

I would keep my wife out of it by making it clear this was my decision.

I would ring the hotel and ask them about their occupancy rates. Reservations give you peace of mind but aren't really necessary in most cases. Cancel the booking and tell her you will wait for her to arrive and you can look for some last minute deals on the net, using her card. You say she invited herself so it really is up to her to pay for her own accommodation. If it does fall to you to pay for it I wouldn't mention getting paid back but as you said just lt her know you simply don't have it in your budget to go home for Christmas.

[MummySweet]

Find a hotel that will allow you to make an unsecured reservation (a room held only until a certain time).  Call or email your Mom with the hotel information and reservation number and tell her that she will have to call the hotel to secure/confirm the reservation.    If either of your parents balk at this, just remind them that she planned this trip and that you are not in the position to pay for it.   

If you must secure the reservation with a credit card, tell the hotel that this card is only to be used to hold the room.  The occupant will be paying the bill.   Make sure the hotel writes this in the reservation comments and request an emailed copy of the reservation that shows the comments.   Tell your Mom that the room is confirmed for arrival and that payment will be due at check in.   

I know that your family doesn't have a history or addressing issues head on, but in this case it needs to be clear who is paying the bill before your Mom arrives.   If it isn't you are likely to be stuck making the payment.

Good luck!

[SamiHami]

Cancel whatever reservation you have made. Seriously. If your parents decide to not pay the bill, it will automatically be billed to the credi card you used to reserve the room.

Rather than making a reservation for them, get info together for a couple of hotels and send it to your parents, advising them to make their own reservation.

Considering their displeasure with you and your wife right now, it would be a really bad idea to open yourself to the possibility that they might stick you with the bill.

[O'Dell]

I'm thinking along the same lines of MummySweet. Another option is to call up your parents with the prices of the room for the dates they want and ask them for their credit card info so you can go ahead and make the reservation. If they balk, then something like "Oh I thought you were going to pay as I'm not working. It seems like this visit isn't going to work out. Maybe you can visit us at a later time."

We're generally not a family which confront issues like this head on.

Sometimes that can work to your advantage. My mom's family is like this. In our case it wasn't a bad thing, it was just more subtle communication style. For us that meant if anyone actually came out and said something directly and bluntly, it was taken that much more seriously. Is it the same for you? If it is, consider setting a point at which you will speak bluntly. I'm thinking when they start blaming your wife, directly or indirectly. Then whip out a direct, forceful command for them not to badmouth her or imply bad things about her or whatever works in your situation. Just a thought...

[AustenFan]

I agree with O'Dell. If you act like it's the most natural thing in the world that they will be putting this on their card and be assertive there can't be any chance of a "misunderstanding" about who is paying. Based on how nasty your parents are I woudn't be surprised if they tryto stick you with the bill since they think you should have been hosting them, so they shouldn't have to pay for a hotel.

Welcome to Canada!

[Amara]

I was just about to post what SamiHami did. You can do a little research since you are there and know the hotels, their locations, and what amenities they have. Send that information to your mom along with the contact information for the hotels' reservations lines. If she wants to visit you have made it easier for her to make her arrangements but are asking her to do the work herself. It leaves you (and your wife) out of it entirely.

[buvezdevin]

I agree with those who suggest asking your parents for their credit card, if they want you to make their hotel arrangements - or offer to email information on nearby hotels with contact info to allow them to choose and reserve the room.

If they object to either offer, it would be pretty clear, from my POV, that they expect you to pay for the room, perhaps expecting this as your "hospitality" for their visit. 

If you are okay with paying for the room in lieu of visiting them, I would make that clear - you have a set amount budgeted over the year for purposes of seeing them, do they prefer the hotel in your new area of residence, or that you visit them in their country this year - make it an either/or and let them decide, but make clear that "both" is not an option.

If you reserve a room on your credit card, their is no assurance that your parents will take the necessary action to have their credit card charged for the stay, and you could be stuck.

[Mikayla]

I was just about to post what SamiHami did. You can do a little research since you are there and know the hotels, their locations, and what amenities they have. Send that information to your mom along with the contact information for the hotels' reservations lines. If she wants to visit you have made it easier for her to make her arrangements but are asking her to do the work herself. It leaves you (and your wife) out of it entirely.

I agree with both of you.  This is a transaction between 2 adult guests and a hotel. 

I'm not quite sure why but they ended up insisting I book the hotel room,

OP, this statement, combined with the one about not wanting to confront people, indicates that you are having trouble setting boundaries with your parents.  And one of the many things I've learned from this site is that it is not rude to do this; in fact, it's necessary.  And it doesn't have to be a confrontation. 

This sounds like a situation where "I'm afraid that won't be possible" would have been a good response.  People can't "insist" you do something unless you engage them or don't shut them down quickly enough.

You can still offer to provide contact info for the nearest hotels, etc.  But on the credit card, go with polite but firm, and do not let them try to insist on anything.  They're not in a position to do so. 

[Lindee]

I agree with cancelling the reservation and getting your mother to put it on her card. It is not just the $800 you might be stuck with but if it is on your card any room service, meals at the hotel, mini bar etc will be your problem as well.

[Kaymyth]

I agree with O'Dell. If you act like it's the most natural thing in the world that they will be putting this on their card and be assertive there can't be any chance of a "misunderstanding" about who is paying. Based on how nasty your parents are I woudn't be surprised if they tryto stick you with the bill since they think you should have been hosting them, so they shouldn't have to pay for a hotel.

Welcome to Canada!

This.

The only reason I can fathom that they'd insist on you making the hotel reservations is that they have absolutely no intention of paying for it themselves.  They're deliberately maneuvering you into getting stuck with the bill, and if you do not cancel the reservation, you'll never see a penny of reimbursement.

Honestly, it doesn't even sound as if you particularly want their company at all, so if they get all huffy and say, "Well, then we just won't come at all!" you've still scored a win.

[BeagleMommy]

I think you have two options:

1.  Ask mom for her credit card information before making the reservation.  If she hesitates you say "I'm sorry, I can't afford to pay for this.  See you at Christmas."

2.  Give your mom a listing of hotels in the area and let her do the work herself.  She's an adult who invited herself.  If she wants to visit, she does the work.

Saying no doesn't make you rude or confrontational.  It makes you sane.

[rain]

update?