Author Topic: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(  (Read 10769 times)

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weeblewobble

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #15 on: October 01, 2012, 10:10:10 AM »
Your mom is so far over the line, she can't even see the line anymore.  It is not OK to verbally batter a pregnant lady about her future parenting choices.  It's even less OK to do that when said pregnant is your own daughter.  I think you need to seriously weigh the potential benefits of having your mom visit next year against potential damage to your relationship/hurt and stress during what should be a quiet bonding time for your little family.  If you think she would continue to make these sort of statements, you should try to arrange her visit so you get as many breaks from her as possible.

I think you handled the statement as well as you possible could and I'm glad you called her on it.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #16 on: October 01, 2012, 10:12:40 AM »
Cellach I think you handled your mom just fine.  I agree that she will probably continue to do this once the baby has arrived so be prepared.  You might want to seriously consider not having her come to stay with you.

If she says anything in the future you could always go with "DH and I decided that this works best for OUR family".  Lather, rinse, repeat.

O'Dell

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #17 on: October 01, 2012, 10:54:21 AM »
Does anybody have any suggestions on handling this kind of meddling?

You handled it fine. Where I think you can improve is where you stayed talking to her because you didn't want *her* to feel bad! She should feel bad for that comment. Sometimes it's better for the other person and you to let them feel bad when they should. Maybe she'll learn to pull back on making cracks like that (we can hope, can't we?). Maybe she'll just learn not to say things like that to you. And maybe she'll never stop, but you won't be wasting time and words on making her feel okay about making you feel bad.

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bopper

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #18 on: October 01, 2012, 11:13:18 AM »
Does anybody have any suggestions on handling this kind of meddling?

You handled it fine. Where I think you can improve is where you stayed talking to her because you didn't want *her* to feel bad! She should feel bad for that comment. Sometimes it's better for the other person and you to let them feel bad when they should. Maybe she'll learn to pull back on making cracks like that (we can hope, can't we?). Maybe she'll just learn not to say things like that to you. And maybe she'll never stop, but you won't be wasting time and words on making her feel okay about making you feel bad.
I agree with this...she is the one who was in the wrong, but she has taught you that you have to feel bad when she crosses the line.  It is awesome you stood your boundary, but I think that she needs more consequences when she goes too far...clearly being slightly uncomfortable does not bother her.  For example, you could say "Mom, we will be making choices that work for us. We are the parents of this baby.  I need to go now and will talk to you next (week, day, how often you usually talk to her)."

TootsNYC

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #19 on: October 01, 2012, 12:29:19 PM »
I love my parents!

Here's what my dad said when I expressed worries at putting my kids in daycare:
"the baby thinks it's fine--she has a good time wherever she is. It's Mom who suffers and struggles no matter what her decision."


I think you handled it fine, but I also think you should feel free to just hang up on her if she does anything close again. Well, do *say* something, like "That's a particularly nasty thing to say, Mom. I'm getting off the phone now." (I think if you announce you're leaving the call, it's not technically 'hanging up on someone.')

I wouldn't even get into "we are the parents" or "we'll be making decisions our way." I'd just say, "Mom, that's out of line. I'm getting off the phone now."

Also remember--when someone goes that far off the rails (it did surprise you), it's probably about themselves and some anxiety they're facing (or have created in their own head). It's not about any rational, sensible assessment of the situation.

But I think you still want to cut her off--she's a grownup, she should learn to handle her own anxieties without spreading them all over YOUR world.

Arrynne

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #20 on: October 01, 2012, 01:25:13 PM »
I think you handled her really well.  From now on if she brings it up again you can tell her,"Mom we already had this conversation.  I'm lucky that boss is very flexible.  I'll make the right decision for my family when the time comes." 

I really like this.  You may need to repeat it ad nauseum.

You did a great job shutting your mother down.  I honestly don't think I would have been anywhere near as polite. 

QueenofAllThings

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #21 on: October 01, 2012, 01:36:06 PM »
EvilQueen would say:

"No worries, Mom! I've already signed a few contracts with reality shows - we'll be on 24/7, and I won't have to worry about money or being away from the baby! AND you can see her on TV every day! And as soon as she's old enough, we're signing up with 'Toddlers with Tiaras' and then 'Dance Moms' - I want to make sure she gets maximum exposure!"

But that's just me ...  >:D

You did great. Next time, follow it up with "Time to hang up now - 'bye!".

bah12

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #22 on: October 01, 2012, 01:39:09 PM »
I think you handled your mom just fine.  And I think that what others are saying about being judged as a parent is totally true.  Some things are harder to accept than others, but there will always be someone judging your choices regardless of what they are.

For your mom in particular, I would suggest waiting a few days/weeks until you've totally calmed down from this conversation and then call her up and let her know you want to talk about it.  Not the subject, but the tone/words of the conversation.  Let her know exactly how it made you feel and that it even made you reconsider whether or not you wanted her to visit next year.  Then, close the conversation off with acknowledgement that she apologized and that you are willing to move past it as long as she doesn't ever do it again.  Give her a stern warning that those opinions, etc. are not welcome.  And then if she does bring it up again, follow through with your threats.

violinp

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #23 on: October 01, 2012, 01:43:36 PM »
I would've had a hard time not just slamming the phone down in your position, Ceallach. You handled it wonderfully.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter


gramma dishes

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #24 on: October 01, 2012, 02:19:38 PM »
Ceallach, you did fine.

I join a couple of the prior posters in wondering if she was a stay-at-home Mom?  That can work either direction.  If they were they may have resented it and now think everyone else should have to go through the same thing.  If they weren't, they may feel like they missed out on a huge part of their child's early experiences -- the nanny or daycare worker got to see them sit up first, crawl first, take the first steps, say a few words, etc. -- and they regret having gone back to work so they're trying to "save" someone else from that fate.

It doesn't matter.  You are this baby's parents and you will make and live with your own decisions.  No matter which you choose, your baby will be fine.

I also wonder if since your mother lives so very far away she might not be a little wistful that she can't play a bigger role in helping take care of her new grandchild?  As in:  "Oh ... if I just lived closer, I could take care of Ceallach's baby and she could go back to work comfortably knowing that her child was being cared for by someone who really loves him/her."

Minmom3

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #25 on: October 01, 2012, 02:23:34 PM »
OP, that sounds like a huge load of anger, hostility, and possibly jealousy from your mom.  Are you on terms where, once you calm down, you can ask her about that, and ask her WHY she said such a thing in such a nasty tone of voice?  I agree with PP's who have said you handled the call well, but you were too nice to her after that.  She upset you, and here you are worried that you'd be mean to her....  Balance is off there!  I hope you can (IF you choose to) clear up where that came from, and how you want to address it going forward. 
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Slartibartfast

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #26 on: October 01, 2012, 03:12:11 PM »
Some people have a hard time realizing that when you become a parent, you don't cease being *you.*  You'll still have all the other aspects that make up your life - your memories, your job, your marriage, your good and bad habits, etc. - but you'll have the "mom" role as well.  It sounds to me like your mother is so focused on the upcoming "mother" aspect of your life she's forgetting about the "likes her job" and the "is her own adult" aspects.

I'm a fan of pulling out "Mom, that was a hurtful/inappropriate thing to say" when necessary.  It's not defending yourself or your decisions, but it's defending your right to make those decisions in the first place.  How your mom reacts to you showing your backbone should have a big influence on how much time she gets with you and your baby, IMHO.

ClaireC79

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #27 on: October 01, 2012, 04:51:15 PM »
Part of me would have wanted to reply with 'you are right, I'll put the baby up for adoption/have a termination' - then when she tells you to stop being silly/dramatic point out that she's saying you aren't good enough/making the right decisions for your family, all of a sudden she's reassuring you that you are going to be a good mother

In reality though I probably would have done the same as you

starry diadem

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #28 on: October 01, 2012, 05:56:33 PM »
I'm having a hard time balancing 'nurturing' and 'judgemental'.  In that conversation, I know which way the scales tipped and in your place, i would have worried a little less about her feeling bad about what she said and ended the conversation there.  I think you handled it with grace, but you've established a boundary there and will need to keep it strong. 
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Ceallach

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #29 on: October 01, 2012, 07:13:50 PM »
I did have 2 questions, did she raise you as a stay at home Mom?  And is this her first grandchild?

She has 3 other grandchildren (my sister and my brother both have kids) all are under the age of 3.   But yes, she was a SAHM, the type who sacrifices her entire life for her children and is miserable for it (she never had a chance to work out who she was before she had kids - the first was an oops - and spent the next 20 years having them before she had the chance to grow up. I learnt a lot from observing that).   Oh and ironically, later in the conversation yesterday she made a comment about how hard it is to enter the workforce at age 57.   (She never worked, but now my youngest brother is an adult my Dad isn't paying her child support anymore, for obvious reasons!)  I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "And you suggest I follow the same path then?"

Thank you all for your comments.   I'm really surprised by how much this has hurt me.   I've already realised how opinionated people are about pregnancy - I can't leave the house without getting unsolicited advice from a stranger.  But to have some horrible comments made by somebody who is supposed to love and support me is almost unforgiveable.  Who says "You obviously care more about money than your baby" or "You'll just shove your kids into daycare and forget about them" to anybody??   If anything I'm more upset today than I was yesterday.    The daycare subject is a sore topic because it is something I take very, very seriously.   I do believe young babies are best with a parent as a primary caregiver if feasible, and DH and I are playing around with numerous options.  If I had decided definitely on daycare I probably would have minded her comment less, but the insinuation that it's a decision I take lightly and that I just don't *care* is what hurts so much.   No parent takes these decisions lightly!  We're all trying to determine what's best for our own family.
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