Author Topic: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(  (Read 10533 times)

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gramma dishes

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #30 on: October 01, 2012, 07:44:46 PM »

 ...    yes, she was a SAHM, the type who sacrifices her entire life for her children and is miserable for it (she never had a chance to work out who she was before she had kids ...

You see what's going on here don't you?  She's trying to reassure herself that what she did (not working and sacrificing everything 'for the children') was the "right" thing to do.  If other people can raise kids and work at the same time, then that means her 'sacrifices' weren't necessary after all.  She's looking for support for the decisions she made. 

Ceallach, you are going to be a great Mom.  You and your husband are the ONLY ONLY ONLY people who have a say in whether you work, how much, or where.  You will make the right decisions for yourselves and your family. 

Just ignore what anyone else has to say.  They had their own chances to do it their way and it isn't your problem if they wish now they had made different choices.

still in va

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #31 on: October 01, 2012, 08:09:42 PM »
The daycare subject is a sore topic because it is something I take very, very seriously.   I do believe young babies are best with a parent as a primary caregiver if feasible, and DH and I are playing around with numerous options.  If I had decided definitely on daycare I probably would have minded her comment less, but the insinuation that it's a decision I take lightly and that I just don't *care* is what hurts so much.   No parent takes these decisions lightly!  We're all trying to determine what's best for our own family.

oh good grief, your mother is MY age, and i am embarrassed for her. 

Ceallach, one thing to check for is daycares is webcam access.  my grandson is in daycare two days a week, he is with me on Wednesdays, and his maternal grandparents Thursday and Friday (one takes off Thursday, the other on Friday).  it's of course a huge comfort to my DIL that her baby is cared for three days a week by his grandparents.  but it is also easier for her on Monday and Tuesday because she can click on the webcam links and check in on how my grandson is doing those two days.

i wish i had words of wisdom for how to handle your mother.  i really don't.  i bend over so far backwards to not offer unwelcome advice and be an interferring mother/mother-in-law to my grown children that i can nearly touch my nose to the ground.  i'm sorry it hurt you.  unfortunately, now you know how you have to address your mother going forward.

Emmy

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #32 on: October 02, 2012, 12:35:00 AM »
Some people have a hard time realizing that when you become a parent, you don't cease being *you.*  You'll still have all the other aspects that make up your life - your memories, your job, your marriage, your good and bad habits, etc. - but you'll have the "mom" role as well.  It sounds to me like your mother is so focused on the upcoming "mother" aspect of your life she's forgetting about the "likes her job" and the "is her own adult" aspects.

I agree.  It seems your mom wants you to dump your job and just be a mother and the way she goes about it is by making you feel guilty.  I know several mothers who have a child in daycare, but it is a hard decision.  Nobody just 'dumped their baby and forgot about them'.  Some mothers have to work and other enjoy it.  I don't feel it is necessary, nor do I feel a woman should give up the other areas of life that are important to her once she becomes a mother.  I love my DD so much and being a mother is one of my most important roles, but it isn't my only role.  I am still a wife, have a part time career, and other interests and I try to stay balanced.  One of the best parts on the days I work is when I pick DD up and see her sweet smile and she running the best she can (she is 14 months) to see me.  I imagine I would drive DD crazy as she got older (as well as DH) if I was just a mom at the expense of the rest of my life.

If she continues to act like this, I think you should confide in her less.  If she says "well you should cut back your hours at work by half", say something like "that mom, I'll think about it" then change the subject.  Let her know the daycare comment was insulting to you and hurtful.  You described your mother as otherwise 'nurturing' so I assume you have a close relationship.  If so, be honest in letting her know that her judgmental comments will make you less likely to confide in her in the future.  It is one thing to be concerned, for example asking a few questions about how you are feeling or sending you an article on finding good day care.  It is another thing for her to insult you or accuse you or not being a good mother because you aren't making the parenting decisions she wants you to make.  If she continues to be judgmental, I think you should be vague with her and just avoid topics that will set her off.  For example, she asks "Are you dumping the baby in daycare while you work?" reply, "The baby is happy.  Did you catch American Idol last night?".  If she asks again, tell her the topic is closed.

It is hard to say the reason somebody would act like this.  Gramma dishes points out that maybe she wants to reassure herself she did the right thing.  Maybe she truly feels the way she did it was is the only right way to be a good mother. 

CakeEater

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #33 on: October 02, 2012, 03:13:18 AM »
The daycare subject is a sore topic because it is something I take very, very seriously.   I do believe young babies are best with a parent as a primary caregiver if feasible, and DH and I are playing around with numerous options.  If I had decided definitely on daycare I probably would have minded her comment less, but the insinuation that it's a decision I take lightly and that I just don't *care* is what hurts so much.   No parent takes these decisions lightly!  We're all trying to determine what's best for our own family.

oh good grief, your mother is MY age, and i am embarrassed for her. 

Ceallach, one thing to check for is daycares is webcam access.  my grandson is in daycare two days a week, he is with me on Wednesdays, and his maternal grandparents Thursday and Friday (one takes off Thursday, the other on Friday).  it's of course a huge comfort to my DIL that her baby is cared for three days a week by his grandparents.  but it is also easier for her on Monday and Tuesday because she can click on the webcam links and check in on how my grandson is doing those two days.

i wish i had words of wisdom for how to handle your mother.  i really don't. i bend over so far backwards to not offer unwelcome advice and be an interferring mother/mother-in-law to my grown children that i can nearly touch my nose to the ground.  i'm sorry it hurt you.   unfortunately, now you know how you have to address your mother going forward.

And I can't tell you how appreciated it is by grown children everywhere! My mother is a saint who babysits, and does housework when she's here, and gets up nights for me when she visits. I can remember her giving one piece of unsolicited advice, and I was such a mess at the time, and it was given so gently that I followed it, and appreciated it.


Ceallach

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #34 on: October 02, 2012, 06:08:24 AM »
The daycare subject is a sore topic because it is something I take very, very seriously.   I do believe young babies are best with a parent as a primary caregiver if feasible, and DH and I are playing around with numerous options.  If I had decided definitely on daycare I probably would have minded her comment less, but the insinuation that it's a decision I take lightly and that I just don't *care* is what hurts so much.   No parent takes these decisions lightly!  We're all trying to determine what's best for our own family.

oh good grief, your mother is MY age, and i am embarrassed for her. 

Ceallach, one thing to check for is daycares is webcam access.  my grandson is in daycare two days a week, he is with me on Wednesdays, and his maternal grandparents Thursday and Friday (one takes off Thursday, the other on Friday).  it's of course a huge comfort to my DIL that her baby is cared for three days a week by his grandparents.  but it is also easier for her on Monday and Tuesday because she can click on the webcam links and check in on how my grandson is doing those two days.

i wish i had words of wisdom for how to handle your mother.  i really don't. i bend over so far backwards to not offer unwelcome advice and be an interferring mother/mother-in-law to my grown children that i can nearly touch my nose to the ground.  i'm sorry it hurt you.   unfortunately, now you know how you have to address your mother going forward.

And I can't tell you how appreciated it is by grown children everywhere! My mother is a saint who babysits, and does housework when she's here, and gets up nights for me when she visits. I can remember her giving one piece of unsolicited advice, and I was such a mess at the time, and it was given so gently that I followed it, and appreciated it.

Yeah I think that's what's so sad about it - I really do like her advice and have found her supportive in the past.   Over the years I often pick up the phone just to ask a question about how to cook something for example.   I value her life experience.  But I'm going to have to really start cutting her out a lot if I have to risk such nasty comments.      What is it about babies that makes everybody so crazy??

Small update, my younger sister (a recent college graduate) msg'd me today suggesting she come live with us and nanny for me next year.   I was a little suspicious, and sure enough it turns out she talked to mum today.   So apparently not only am I a terrible future mother, I also apparently need her to help make other arrangements.   ::)      The stupid part?   If mum had asked me, she'd know that a part-time nanny is one of the many options DH and I are seriously considering.   I have never once mentioned a single word about daycare to her (although obviously that's an option we're looking into too!) so it's both a gigantic assumption and the negative insinuations she's making that are so rude.   I'm not adverse to my sister coming over but it has to be because she wants to, not because our mother wants somebody to come rescue her grandchild from his evil, money-grubbing parents!   So we'll see how that turns out....!
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


CakeEater

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #35 on: October 02, 2012, 07:34:46 AM »
Oh dear! For all kinds of reasons, I'm at home with two young kids at the moment, and not working at all. I can't tell you how many people have suggested to me that one or both kids should be in daycare 'at least one day a week' because they're missing out on something being stuck at home with just their boring mother. (They don't say that last part  ;) )

And the reason my saintly mother is welcomed so happily by DH and myself is that she never has a negative comment about our parenting, even though I'm sure she doesn't agree with some of our choices. I can imagine that if you're worried about hearing nasty criticisms, that your mother won't be quite so welcome in all of your lives. What a shame for her.


Last_Dance

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #36 on: October 02, 2012, 07:52:38 AM »
Ceallach, depending on your family situation/history, you could try to remind her how she felt about your grandma butting in.
My mom only had to say that once to my grandmother.
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #37 on: October 02, 2012, 08:09:27 AM »
The daycare subject is a sore topic because it is something I take very, very seriously.   I do believe young babies are best with a parent as a primary caregiver if feasible, and DH and I are playing around with numerous options.  If I had decided definitely on daycare I probably would have minded her comment less, but the insinuation that it's a decision I take lightly and that I just don't *care* is what hurts so much.   No parent takes these decisions lightly!  We're all trying to determine what's best for our own family.

oh good grief, your mother is MY age, and i am embarrassed for her. 

Ceallach, one thing to check for is daycares is webcam access.  my grandson is in daycare two days a week, he is with me on Wednesdays, and his maternal grandparents Thursday and Friday (one takes off Thursday, the other on Friday).  it's of course a huge comfort to my DIL that her baby is cared for three days a week by his grandparents.  but it is also easier for her on Monday and Tuesday because she can click on the webcam links and check in on how my grandson is doing those two days.

i wish i had words of wisdom for how to handle your mother.  i really don't. i bend over so far backwards to not offer unwelcome advice and be an interferring mother/mother-in-law to my grown children that i can nearly touch my nose to the ground.  i'm sorry it hurt you.   unfortunately, now you know how you have to address your mother going forward.

And I can't tell you how appreciated it is by grown children everywhere! My mother is a saint who babysits, and does housework when she's here, and gets up nights for me when she visits. I can remember her giving one piece of unsolicited advice, and I was such a mess at the time, and it was given so gently that I followed it, and appreciated it.

No kidding! My MIL is wonderful in that she doesn't offer unsolicited advice.  Or rather the few times she does she phrases it as "Have you tried this?" Or once she said "Oh (dh's name) used to do that, and this was how I handled it."  She does it in such a way that it's not obnoxious and she does it so rarely that I don't mind it when she does. 

My mother stayed at home when my brother was born, then when he hit middle school she went back part time, then she went full time when my father started working from home, since he would be there when my brother got home.   But neither of them were all that happy when I decided to do the SAHM thing.  But it worked for us, as when I worked I really wasn't even making enough to justify it. At one point, we were paying more in daycare than what I was making.   And I ended up losing jobs because when the boys were going to their old school in old neighborhood, I was always getting called to pick them up for stomachaches and thus missing a lot of work and getting behind  ::)  It just made more sense for me to stay home.

They kept harassing me to go out and get another job but we could afford me staying home more than me working so I kept saying "no, no, no".   I'm still a SAHM now and it's great, though I wish I knew other moms with babies around the same age as mine but at least he gets some social interaction in the church nursery.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

VltGrantham

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #38 on: October 02, 2012, 11:43:29 AM »
After reading many of these posts I am so thankful that my parents and husband supported me.  I thought staying home with our DD was very important and had fully planned to remain home with her.  After about three months, I was ready to rip my hair out.  I was depressed, irritable, and angry all the time.  I had thought staying home would be the best thing for both of us and instead it was awful for us.  I ignored those who said that she obviously wasn't important enough to me and went back to work part-time.  I consider myself a stay at home Mom for the most part, but the hours I spend working make things better for all of us.  And I'm thankful that my Mom and husband especially supported me in that without the "what about your decision to stay home?" commentary.

Tabby Uprising

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #39 on: October 02, 2012, 02:14:08 PM »
Oh dear! For all kinds of reasons, I'm at home with two young kids at the moment, and not working at all. I can't tell you how many people have suggested to me that one or both kids should be in daycare 'at least one day a week' because they're missing out on something being stuck at home with just their boring mother. (They don't say that last part  ;) )

And the reason my saintly mother is welcomed so happily by DH and myself is that she never has a negative comment about our parenting, even though I'm sure she doesn't agree with some of our choices. I can imagine that if you're worried about hearing nasty criticisms, that your mother won't be quite so welcome in all of your lives. What a shame for her.

CakeEater, I'm in a similar situation, but with one less kid!

Ceallach, I'm sorry your mom is dumping her own emotional baggage onto you! I'm part of a large neighborhood moms group and we're about 50/50 working vs. stay-at-home moms.  The media's beloved idea of "mommy wars" does not permeate our group because we know all that matters is:

1. You do what makes sense for your family.

2. No matter what you do you'll feel guilty about something  ;D  Those of us who stay at home sometimes feel guilty the kids aren't in awesome daycare programs and the working moms feel guilty about not being at home.  So the guilt cancels out!

At the end of the day, you've got a family you love to pieces and that is what matters.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #40 on: October 02, 2012, 05:07:12 PM »
VltGrantham, the best part of my day is when Babybartfast wants to play make-believe with me.  The second-best part of my day is when she goes to bed for the night and finally leaves me alone.  I don't think there's necessarily any contradiction in this  :)

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #41 on: October 02, 2012, 05:25:41 PM »
Hehe, I know what you mean. As cute as the Piratebabe is, I do enjoy the 2 to 2 1/2 hours he naps a day cause it means time where I can relax and not have to say "Whoah, we don't climb on that!"
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Jones

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #42 on: October 02, 2012, 05:38:14 PM »
One of the things that drove me crazy about my ex-boss is that he used to make comments about how "real men" provide for their families, and pointedly look at me. See, DH and I decided after several tries at other options that I would work and he would stay home with the kid(s). It was a mutual decision based on a LOT of different factors.

Considering how mad I got at Ex Boss, I can't imagine how livid I would be if comments about our decisions were made by our moms. I know you didn't ask for them Ceallach, but ((hugs)). I stand amazed at the audacity of your mother "arranging" a nanny for you!

VltGrantham

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #43 on: October 03, 2012, 09:19:34 AM »
Quote
VltGrantham, the best part of my day is when Babybartfast wants to play make-believe with me.  The second-best part of my day is when she goes to bed for the night and finally leaves me alone.  I don't think there's necessarily any contradiction in this 

LOL!  I know what you mean.  When DD first started school last year, we started putting her to bed at 7:00 pm so she'd be ready and rested for a full day of kindergarten.  The first night, after she was in bed, DH turned to me after about 20 minutes and said "So what are we supposed to do now?  I feel weird.  The house is quiet and everything's picked up!"  And I always say when we go out to dinner, it's so nice to be able to sit, eat a meal, without having to cut up someone else's food, chide someone not to gobble their food down, and have a conversation without two people asking me to respond to them at the same time or someone tugging on my arm "Mom, Mom, Mom!"  AGH!

Tabby Uprising

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Re: Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(
« Reply #44 on: October 03, 2012, 02:24:05 PM »
VltGrantham, the best part of my day is when Babybartfast wants to play make-believe with me.  The second-best part of my day is when she goes to bed for the night and finally leaves me alone.  I don't think there's necessarily any contradiction in this  :)

Yeees!!!! So joyfully true!  ;D