Judging me for hypothetical parenting choices :-(

[Emmy]

VltGrantham, the best part of my day is when Babybartfast wants to play make-believe with me.  The second-best part of my day is when she goes to bed for the night and finally leaves me alone.  I don't think there's necessarily any contradiction in this 

LOL!  I know what you mean.  When DD first started school last year, we started putting her to bed at 7:00 pm so she'd be ready and rested for a full day of kindergarten.  The first night, after she was in bed, DH turned to me after about 20 minutes and said "So what are we supposed to do now?  I feel weird.  The house is quiet and everything's picked up!"  And I always say when we go out to dinner, it's so nice to be able to sit, eat a meal, without having to cut up someone else's food, chide someone not to gobble their food down, and have a conversation without two people asking me to respond to them at the same time or someone tugging on my arm "Mom, Mom, Mom!"  AGH!

It's true.  There are so many wonderful things about having children, but there are several drawbacks too.  One of them being the family room is in a perpetual state of disarray and the lack of relaxation time.  It's a good thing that babies and small children need so much sleep, I think a lot of parents would go crazy if they didn't.

[JenJay]

Oh dear! For all kinds of reasons, I'm at home with two young kids at the moment, and not working at all. I can't tell you how many people have suggested to me that one or both kids should be in daycare 'at least one day a week' because they're missing out on something being stuck at home with just their boring mother. (They don't say that last part  )

Yep!! Stay home parents deny their kids years worth of valuable social interaction, doncha know! Been there, heard that.

All I ever wanted to be was a stay home mom. DH and I saved and paid off as much debt as possible before DD was born so I could do that. Five years later I had an 18 month old, 3 year old and 5 year old and I was desperate for a job! Turns out "they" were right about the lack of socialization - but it was ME who suffered! We arranged our schedules so that I could work part time while DH was off. I'd be lying if I said I don't have a little guilt for choosing to work but you know what? I'd have a lot of guilt if I stayed home, was miserable, and made my husband and kids miserable, too. Sometimes there's no clear win.

Here we are 6 years after that and I'm doing the stay-home thing again and loving it! For now. I don't think I'll want a job anytime soon, but I'm keeping an open mind about it. We all need to do what is best for ourselves and our family. It's sad that your mom doesn't support you in that, but we do!! 

[Pandora]

 Your mother lives thousands of miles away ........  such a shame. 

 My DD never spent a day in daycare, DH and I were roundly criticized for that. It would surely scar her for life. She'd fail to develope social skills.

[Cami]

Your mother lives thousands of miles away ........  such a shame. 

 My DD never spent a day in daycare, DH and I were roundly criticized for that. It would surely scar her for life. She'd fail to develope social skills.

And my dd went to day care at 1 year old. We were roundly criticized for that. My FIL and MIL told us she'd grow up to be a serial murderer. (No lie, that's what they told us. I told them if so, I had a suggestion for her first victims.)

Basically, if you're a woman in our culture, you can't win. You're either too heavy or too thin, too "bossy" or too "passive", too committed to your career or dooming yourself to disaster when your dh leaves you and you've been a SAHM, you're breastfeeding or you're bottle feeding, you''re not potty training your kid fast enough or you're potty training them too early, you dress too sexy or not sexy enough, your kids are over-scheduled and don't have any down time and will burn out at 18 or your kids aren't in enough activities and won't get into Harvard.

So to quote Ricky Nelson: You can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself.

[HermioneGranger]

Day care was the only option for us.  I love our daughter, but I knew that I would go bonkers if I was home all day, every day.  It's a win win for us (except for cost  ).  She goes to school all day and plays with her little friends, and I go to work every day and keep my sanity. 

[lightning]

Basically, if you're a woman in our culture, you can't win. You're either too heavy or too thin, too "bossy" or too "passive", too committed to your career or dooming yourself to disaster when your dh leaves you and you've been a SAHM, you're breastfeeding or you're bottle feeding, you''re not potty training your kid fast enough or you're potty training them too early, you dress too sexy or not sexy enough, your kids are over-scheduled and don't have any down time and will burn out at 18 or your kids aren't in enough activities and won't get into Harvard.

POD. 

[Piratelvr1121]

Your mother lives thousands of miles away ........  such a shame. 

 My DD never spent a day in daycare, DH and I were roundly criticized for that. It would surely scar her for life. She'd fail to develope social skills.

And my dd went to day care at 1 year old. We were roundly criticized for that. My FIL and MIL told us she'd grow up to be a serial murderer. (No lie, that's what they told us. I told them if so, I had a suggestion for her first victims.)

Basically, if you're a woman in our culture, you can't win. You're either too heavy or too thin, too "bossy" or too "passive", too committed to your career or dooming yourself to disaster when your dh leaves you and you've been a SAHM, you're breastfeeding or you're bottle feeding, you''re not potty training your kid fast enough or you're potty training them too early, you dress too sexy or not sexy enough, your kids are over-scheduled and don't have any down time and will burn out at 18 or your kids aren't in enough activities and won't get into Harvard.

So to quote Ricky Nelson: You can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself.

Amen, sister! I've decided that whatever works for our family as a whole is the best option and right now the boys have a busier schedule than they used to.   Which really doesn't take much, as it just means we're busy Sunday mornings (church) and Monday evenings (Church choir).  My oldest wants to wrestle now, too.  We'll see how it fits into the schedule, and hopefully can work it around choir since my brother wrestled and enjoyed it.

[Pen^2]

Part of the trouble with being a parent, it always seems, is that when your children are grown and have their own, you naturally want to step into the parent role again. After all, these are people who you brought up. Of course you know more about parenting than them! Of course you know best! Ad nauseam.

It's harder when the to-be parents make different parenting choices. Anyone with the tiniest crack of insecurity (read: everyone) can start to take it as a personal criticism. Which is silly. There is no single parenting formula or rule that works for all children (except, perhaps, things like "don't throw babies out the window"). Let the baby play and have fun at daycare - oh no you are robbing them of parental affection and wasting money! Let them stay home with you on a reduced income - oh no you don't care about your child enough to want to afford a better lifestyle for them, and they'll be socially stunted! Honestly, it doesn't matter. As long as the child knows they're loved, they'll be fine, so do what makes you most comfortable and happy. A happy parent is better able to care for their baby, after all.

I think you handled your mother fine. Were I in your place, I would be very hesitant to have her spend time alone with the baby, at least for the first few months. This is because even thought she backtracked on the phone when caught out, she still said what she did and it will still be her opinion, even if she doesn't voice it as much. Although I think you can expect more from her - she'll test you to see just how far she can push. I also wouldn't have your sister nanny, because you don't need another person on your mother's leash around unless there are no other choices (and there are for you), plus it will emphasize to your mother that she was right and that it is appropriate for her to be making parenting decisions for you.

You need to be very firm with your parenting decisions. They are not hers to make, and if she takes umbrage with that, it's her choice to and not your fault. It has nothing to do with what those choices are; you need to nip this in the bud, or it will spill over into other things. You are the parent here, not her. I wouldn't even explain your reasons for your decisions at all, since that opens it up for discussion. Just say "we've decided that doing XYZ works for our family and it's not open for discussion. Now, about that delicious bean dip I've been meaning to tell you about..."

[JoyinVirginia]

OP, I would recommend you be very hesitant about having your mother come stay for ant length of time right after the baby is born. Yes, physical help would be move, but at that time you will be sleep deprived and hormonal and you and you're dh will be establishing your routines with baby, and it sounds like she would just come in and want to take over. I foresee arguments that will end in more than years, esp odd she is arguing with you and dh. I would also be very hesitant about discussing any childcare arrangements with your sister, add it will get back to mom.
And yes, she deserves to feel bad for being so nasty. When my mom would do similar things I just would not say another word, and hang up.

[gramma dishes]

I don't think it's a good idea to let your sister Nanny.  It might have been fine had it been YOUR and your husband's idea.  But it wasn't.  So we know this is just another way your Mom is trying to run things for you and keep her hands in your family's business. 

Your sister might be a perfect Nanny, but given the timing and the circumstance in which the suggestion came up, I would highly recommend against it.  Maybe when your child is a little older and you've already established with your Mom that she is not running this show it might be fun to have your sister there, but not at the beginning. 

Your Mother had her turn.  Now it's yours.  This one is your baby!  You and your husband are the only two people who will make the decisions and call the shots.  Your Mom is going to have to hear that message loud and clear.

[Ceallach]

Thanks all for your comments.   I'm very confident that DH and I will make the right decisions for us and our baby.   It was just hard because I know that to my mother daycare is the *worst* thing that you can do.  Seriously.  So not only are her views judgmental in general, it was that she was immediately assuming that I would do such a "terrible" thing without any basis for that.  So to be honest the whole thing is more about finding it offensive that she apparently has such a low opinion of me.  (I don't think daycare is bad, but she does).   And her tone was nasty.  She's not even giving me the chance to not disappoint her, she's just assuming that I will!

Just so you know, the sister nannying thing wasn't a completely new idea - it was something I'd already thought of but had hesitated to mention as I'm not sure if it's the best next step for her (as opposed to pursuing her career!).  But that sister (Enid) had mentioned it last time I was pregnant although nothing came of it.  So although the timing on this occasion was suspicious it doesn't necessarily make the idea orchestrated by mum.  On the other hand, I would be very annoyed if my mum somehow implies that my sister is raising my baby for me!!!  So I'm still undecided on that one.   

I've talked to both sisters extensively since the incident, and both had already heard from mum who apparently called them remorseful saying she'd "said something stupid and made Ceallach cry".  They both thought it was very bad but at the same time reminded me that our mum does have a tendency to always put her foot in her mouth!    Older sister (Carrie) told me lots of stories of things mum has said to her over the past 4 years since she had her kids, and how she brushes them off / picks her battles.   The irony is Carrie is actually a fulltime SAHM, and if that weren't enough also shares the same religion as our mum so you'd think mum would "approve" of her.  But apparently even she is doing everything wrong!       So it's not just my evil, money grubbing ways apparently, no matter what I do I'll be doomed.  What's even stranger is that my mum hasn't had the greatest life herself, so if she's suggesting we should replicate *her* life choices then it's slightly sadistic.  She certainly wasn't a happy SAHM as her circumstances were... not ideal. (I've seen plenty of happy SAHMs, my sister is one of them, so I do believe in the concept.  But my mother did not have a good life).  So the whole thing really makes no sense.   It did amaze me how much Carrie has let brush off her shoulders though.  She is obviously better at rolling her eyes and ignoring than I am!   I guess at least we can have solidarity?

[Rohanna]

http://healthland.time.com/2010/10/18/working-moms-kids-turn-out-fine-50-years-of-research-says/

Just print this off to show your Mum Honestly, if a family is going to be screwed up, it will be regardless of who works/doesn't work - and vice versa.

[Mikayla]

Any time something is repetitive in nature - and this qualifies - I much prefer prevention mode over maintenance.  So I don't think this is about daycare specifically.  I think this is about mom starting a pattern of second guessing what you're doing any time it deviates from what she did.

What if you tried something like this?  (It worked for my stepsister with my stepmom):

"Mom, there are 2 things you need to understand.  One, my child will carry a lot of you around with her, because it will be coming directly from me, and I carry a lot of you in me.  But this doesn't mean that, of the hundreds of choices parents make, mine will always be the same as yours.  It's not a rejection of how I was raised; it's a reflection of who I am.

I need you to stop with the negativity and second guessing, and I mean as of now.   If you make any more comments about my decisions, I have no choice but to reconsider having you visit after she's born.  This should be a happy time for all of us and it won't be happy for me if I'm on pins and needles waiting to hear what comes next out of your mouth.  Please think about this, because I do mean what I say".