Dear Abby and the Wedding Cake Smashers

[weeblewobble]

...   

With his friends chanting, “smash it, smash it!” while the "happy" couple cut the cake, my friend’s new husband SLAMMED a chunk of cake into her face. I was seriously surprised he didn’t injure her neck, he used that much force. He didn't get any cake as she dropped his piece in the scuffle.  She didn't say a word, just turned and went into the ladies room to clean off the icing and smeared into her face and hair.  Her friends (myself included) quietly followed her to the ladies room to help her clean up, while her new husband and the groomsmen yelled after us to “learn to take a joke!” We practically had to wash her hair in the bathroom sink to get the icing and cake out, so her hair was a loss. And because there was icing in her cleavage, she changed into her going away dress half-way through the reception.

She walked out of the ladies room with her eyes dry and her expression blank. 

It's too bad she didn't just keep walking right out the door and to whatever place you go to to get a marriage annulled.  It's hard to understand what she saw in a punky jerk like that in the first place. 

Edited:  Sorry, Elfmama.  I hadn't quite gotten to yours yet when I wrote my post.  But I'm happy I'm not the only one with that thought!   

My husband's reaction to this was kind of funny.  Horror that the guy had done that to his wife, and a realization that he was a pretty great husband by comparison.   Every time he irritated me in the next few months, he would say, "OK, I left the toilet seat up, but at least I know not to assault you with cake!"  I think it gave him confidence in himself as a spouse.  He would never hurt me deliberately.  He might mess up every once in a while, but he knows he always has my best interest and well-being at heart.  The other guy couldn't say the same.

[Twik]

I think one is entitled to reconsider one's friendship with people if they are the "smash the wedding cake into the other person's face" type, and the guest is not, just as one might reconsider one's friendship for any other reason. "Eww, I didn't know John and Jane were that type of people to hold food fights in front of a captive audience," is s valid reason to back off a friendship, just as John and Jane can back off their friendship with a guest who doesn't get a bellylaugh out of their shenanigans.

People can be incompatible without one or the other being wrong about anything, and something like this is, as the poem says, "a small thing, but indicative".

I agree with WillyNilly, who put it very well - if the act is not of mutual consent, but of one person humiliating someone they have just sworn to love and cherish, it is a terrible thing to have to witness as a guest.

[weeblewobble]

At my wedding, DH and I talked about it ahead of time and agreed on no cake smashing.  There were several reasons.  I didn't want to ruin my dress, hair, or make-up.  Cake smashing just isn't that funny to me and I wanted a loving gesture.  Neither set of parents liked cake smashing.  Some of DH's friends were changing 'smash' and then booed us when we didn't which was really tacky on their part.  I feel for brides who have husbands who want to be 'the man' to their friends and get a few laughs at the expense of their bride (and I feel for grooms in the same boat).  I would lose a lot of respect if DH had smashed cake in my face.

Exactly.  It's as if one spouse is saying, "Well, I know we just pledged our eternal love and devotion to each other a few hours ago, but the good opinion of my 'bros' matters a lot more to me than you do."

[weeblewobble]

I think cake smashing is mildly tacky, but it's not anywhere near the same thing as crude games during an inappropriate occasion (like a formal bridal shower where many of the guests would be uncomfortable). I've never liked cake smashing, but that's why we didn't do it at my wedding. Unless he shoves it down her dress and then licks it off, I don't see how it's anyone's business to be offended by it.

When you ask them to become your audience I think it does become their business to some degree.  A tradition of love and caring that is switched into a trick/aggressive act can be uncomfortable to watch.  I tend to find movies and tv programs where somebody is embarrassed  uncomfortable to watch, even when others think it is humorous so I usually opt out of those entertainment options.  I think it makes a lot of guests uncomfortable to be set up to witness cake smashing.

Haven't read past this - but I wonder if you have the same "syndrome" as my DH.  We call it the "Three's Company Syndrome".  DH can't watch that show because the majority of their humor is based off of uncomfortable/embarrassing situations.  He literally has to look away from any show that has that kind of humor because it bothers him so much.  It's definitely something we can control in our own home, but I don't think my DH would think that his issue with those kinds of situations can be catered to in the outside world.  I do sympathize with you though!

DH calls that "Meet the Parents" humor and he can't take a lot of it either.  He empathizes with the character too much and ends up stressed out on the characters behalf.

[Venus193]

So if someone is having a more casual, more beer-out-of-red-Solo-cups-wedding, a wear jeans and flipflops wedding, a back yard finger-licking BBQ wedding, well then so long as the first issue isn't an issue (both B&G agree on the level of smash) then ok, smash away... and maybe witness a groom pinch is brides butt, or an open mouth kiss, or shots or keg stands being done.  But I think once you start getting into ballrooms and gowns and tiaras and tuxes and limos, cakesmashing is behavior at odds with the event being held. 

I think that is the entire point with some people, like getting boisterous in a formal restaurant.

[Cami]

At my wedding, DH and I talked about it ahead of time and agreed on no cake smashing.  There were several reasons.  I didn't want to ruin my dress, hair, or make-up.  Cake smashing just isn't that funny to me and I wanted a loving gesture.  Neither set of parents liked cake smashing.  Some of DH's friends were changing 'smash' and then booed us when we didn't which was really tacky on their part.  I feel for brides who have husbands who want to be 'the man' to their friends and get a few laughs at the expense of their bride (and I feel for grooms in the same boat).  I would lose a lot of respect if DH had smashed cake in my face.

Exactly.  It's as if one spouse is saying, "Well, I know we just pledged our eternal love and devotion to each other a few hours ago, but the good opinion of my 'bros' matters a lot more to me than you do."

When we got married, my fiance, his groomsmen and his father were at the tux shop. His best man asked if we were going to do the cake smash -- in a joking way, because his best man knows me well enough to know I hate/loathe/despise any sort of playing with food, food fighting etc. My fiance laughed back and said, "You know I'm not going to do that. She hates that stuff! And frankly, I think it's a waste of perfectly good cake!" My FIL immediately chimed in that because I hate playing with food, it would therefore be a great idea to smash cake in my face because "it's always funny when someone gets angry at a big event. C'mon. It'll be hysterical to see the look on her face when you do that. That's the best entertainment at a wedding -- seeing the bride get pissed off because her makeup, hair or dress is ruined."  30 years later, he still occasionally brings up how "mean" dh and I were to deny him "the fun" of watching me get angry.

[weeblewobble]

At my wedding, DH and I talked about it ahead of time and agreed on no cake smashing.  There were several reasons.  I didn't want to ruin my dress, hair, or make-up.  Cake smashing just isn't that funny to me and I wanted a loving gesture.  Neither set of parents liked cake smashing.  Some of DH's friends were changing 'smash' and then booed us when we didn't which was really tacky on their part.  I feel for brides who have husbands who want to be 'the man' to their friends and get a few laughs at the expense of their bride (and I feel for grooms in the same boat).  I would lose a lot of respect if DH had smashed cake in my face.

Exactly.  It's as if one spouse is saying, "Well, I know we just pledged our eternal love and devotion to each other a few hours ago, but the good opinion of my 'bros' matters a lot more to me than you do."

When we got married, my fiance, his groomsmen and his father were at the tux shop. His best man asked if we were going to do the cake smash -- in a joking way, because his best man knows me well enough to know I hate/loathe/despise any sort of playing with food, food fighting etc. My fiance laughed back and said, "You know I'm not going to do that. She hates that stuff! And frankly, I think it's a waste of perfectly good cake!" My FIL immediately chimed in that because I hate playing with food, it would therefore be a great idea to smash cake in my face because "it's always funny when someone gets angry at a big event. C'mon. It'll be hysterical to see the look on her face when you do that. That's the best entertainment at a wedding -- seeing the bride get pissed off because her makeup, hair or dress is ruined."  30 years later, he still occasionally brings up how "mean" dh and I were to deny him "the fun" of watching me get angry.

Oh, I'm sure, he's seen you angry, he's just too dumb to pick up the cues. 

[Diane AKA Traska]

I think cake smashing is mildly tacky, but it's not anywhere near the same thing as crude games during an inappropriate occasion (like a formal bridal shower where many of the guests would be uncomfortable). I've never liked cake smashing, but that's why we didn't do it at my wedding. Unless he shoves it down her dress and then licks it off, I don't see how it's anyone's business to be offended by it.

When you ask them to become your audience I think it does become their business to some degree.  A tradition of love and caring that is switched into a trick/aggressive act can be uncomfortable to watch.  I tend to find movies and tv programs where somebody is embarrassed  uncomfortable to watch, even when others think it is humorous so I usually opt out of those entertainment options.  I think it makes a lot of guests uncomfortable to be set up to witness cake smashing.

Haven't read past this - but I wonder if you have the same "syndrome" as my DH.  We call it the "Three's Company Syndrome".  DH can't watch that show because the majority of their humor is based off of uncomfortable/embarrassing situations.  He literally has to look away from any show that has that kind of humor because it bothers him so much.  It's definitely something we can control in our own home, but I don't think my DH would think that his issue with those kinds of situations can be catered to in the outside world.  I do sympathize with you though!

::Raises hand:: Right here.  I've done that too.  The urge to look away is almost wholly beyond my control.

[ettiquit]

So if someone is having a more casual, more beer-out-of-red-Solo-cups-wedding, a wear jeans and flipflops wedding, a back yard finger-licking BBQ wedding, well then so long as the first issue isn't an issue (both B&G agree on the level of smash) then ok, smash away... and maybe witness a groom pinch is brides butt, or an open mouth kiss, or shots or keg stands being done.  But I think once you start getting into ballrooms and gowns and tiaras and tuxes and limos, cakesmashing is behavior at odds with the event being held. 

Where would the chicken dance fall in your worldview?

I loathe the chicken dance and didn't have it at my wedding, but I fully understand that it's a VERY common dance to have.  Most weddings (formal and informal) I've been to have included it.  It didn't occur to me that just because everyone was dressed all fancy-like that doing a silly dance was completely inappropriate.

Unless you have no problem with the chicken dance at a formal wedding, which really means that these "traditions" (including the cake smash) is just a matter of taste and representative of what the bride and groom likes/doesn't like.

[WillyNilly]

So if someone is having a more casual, more beer-out-of-red-Solo-cups-wedding, a wear jeans and flipflops wedding, a back yard finger-licking BBQ wedding, well then so long as the first issue isn't an issue (both B&G agree on the level of smash) then ok, smash away... and maybe witness a groom pinch is brides butt, or an open mouth kiss, or shots or keg stands being done.  But I think once you start getting into ballrooms and gowns and tiaras and tuxes and limos, cakesmashing is behavior at odds with the event being held. 

Where would the chicken dance fall in your worldview?

I loathe the chicken dance and didn't have it at my wedding, but I fully understand that it's a VERY common dance to have.  Most weddings (formal and informal) I've been to have included it.  It didn't occur to me that just because everyone was dressed all fancy-like that doing a silly dance was completely inappropriate.

Unless you have no problem with the chicken dance at a formal wedding, which really means that these "traditions" (including the cake smash) is just a matter of taste and representative of what the bride and groom likes/doesn't like.

Well first off all I have to say at the well over 100 or so formal weddings I've be at (in addition to being a guest, I was a banquet waitress for 3 years) I have never once seen the chicken dance done (well I saw it once at a baptism party, but that's not a wedding) so to me, no its not "a VERY common dance to have" at weddings by any stretch of the imagination.  I was on the wrong side of 35 years old before I ever heard the song or witnessed the dance, and when I did it was clear almost no one in the room knew the dance.

Second I think there is absolutely no comparison to be made between silliness and messiness.  A silly dance like the chicken dance has no implications of aggression, whereas the cakesmash does (the aggression level is, as I mentioned tempered by the willingness of both the bride and the groom, but its an element that is there no matter what.  The only question is, is it "cute, mild, affectionate aggression" or is it a negative form of aggression.)  The chicken dance is merely goofy - there's no level of aggression, there is no mess, there is no mild underlining fear that a full fledged food fight will break out (there are hundreds of YouTube videos showing wedding party members or family members getting drawn into smashing cake on each other).

But overall... I do think its rather ridiculous to do the full fledged gown & tuxes and fancy ballroom and formal meal and all that and then do what seemed to me like a children's song and dance.  I would feel the same about the hokey pokey.  I wouldn't be offended but I would feel it was very much out of place.  If you want goofy fun (and I'm all for goofy fun!) I think you should have a goofy fun level of less formal to the event.  There's nothing wrong with that.  But if you are going for "princess" and "ballroom" and "formal" I think the officially sanctioned entertainment options and the overall behavior should fall with in that level of formal.

[Yvaine]

Well first off all I have to say at the well over 100 or so formal weddings I've be at (in addition to being a guest, I was a banquet waitress for 3 years) I have never once seen the chicken dance done (well I saw it once at a baptism party, but that's not a wedding) so to me, no its not "a VERY common dance to have" at weddings by any stretch of the imagination.  I was on the wrong side of 35 years old before I ever heard the song or witnessed the dance, and when I did it was clear almost no one in the room knew the dance.

It's so funny how our experiences can differ!  I have seen more Chicken Dances than I ever care to remember (mostly because the song is a horrible earworm), and have never ever seen a cakesmash except on TV!

[CLE_Girl]

This thread is reminding me of the story (I can't remember if it is a post here, a story on the website, a dear prudence letter) where the bride and groom decided not do do the cake smashing thing but a bride's relative decided it had to happen to her and ended up ruining her dress.

Puck - it was on Hell's Bells just a few weeks ago...

http://weddinghellsbells.com/?p=6092

[sourwolf]

Well first off all I have to say at the well over 100 or so formal weddings I've be at (in addition to being a guest, I was a banquet waitress for 3 years) I have never once seen the chicken dance done (well I saw it once at a baptism party, but that's not a wedding) so to me, no its not "a VERY common dance to have" at weddings by any stretch of the imagination.  I was on the wrong side of 35 years old before I ever heard the song or witnessed the dance, and when I did it was clear almost no one in the room knew the dance.

It's so funny how our experiences can differ!  I have seen more Chicken Dances than I ever care to remember (mostly because the song is a horrible earworm), and have never ever seen a cakesmash except on TV!

My experience is almost identical to Yvaine's.  I can't think of a wedding I've been to that didn't have the Chicken Dance and I've only ever seen one "cake smash." (except it wasn't even really a cake smash, my cousin put a tiny smear of icing on her grooms nose and kissed it off, it was actually kind of cute.)

[poundcake]

Most of our family weddings include both the chicken dance and the cakesmash. My family thought I was lame that we included neither in our nuptials. 

[Cat-Fu]

My DH and I did the cake smash. We're pacifists, so I promise it wasn't about aggression. As it was, we promised to make each other laugh in our vows (we wrote them together), so when I accidentally inhaled a bit of frosting and we nearly peed ourselves laughing, I figured it was Mission Accomplished. 

I can see how cake-smashing could be used as a passive-aggressive jab, though I have never seen it in person. There are many things in a wedding that can be used as a tool for PA-ness though, so I see that as more of a statement about the couple than the act itself. All of the people I have seen do the cake smash love and respect each other, and behaved accordingly.