Dear Abby and the Wedding Cake Smashers

[Sharnita]

I generally see this as instigated by the groom, at the behest of his male friends. Kind of like a way to show he is "one of the guys" first and a married man second. Not very mature in my opinion.

I don't see it a lot but I have to say that I've actually seen it from the bride more than the groom.

[bloo]

I think the cake smashing is a terrible and disrespectful, and yes as Abby says an immature thing to do.  I don't ever voice this opinion at weddings or really much at all unless asked, but I do think it.

And as a guest who is giving of my time and energy to attend the wedding, and dress up and look nice, and give a gift, etc, I do think its my business if I am asked to witness this act of public disrespect to a union I was just asked to witness as a public act of love & commitment.

I think the letter writer has a point - when you ask people to attend your wedding you have an obligation to them.  You are obligated to actually provide whatever you have offered to host (cake & punch, dinner, whatever), you are obligated to at minimum say "hi" to each guest, and I think you are obligated to publicly honor the vows you just made.  There's a time & a place for joking disrespect and I personally don't think at the wedding is the time.

I totally agree with this! I've never witnessed it, but would be surprised and disappointed if I did. I would be very upset if it was clear that one of the spouse's wasn't 'in on the joke' so to speak.

[lowspark]

I'm not sure when this particular behavior came into vogue. I don't remember ever having heard of it when I got married in 1980. It seems to me I've only seen it in fictional weddings (TV/movie?? I can't remember specifically). I don't remember actually seeing it in real life. At least nothing like the LW describes where the bride's dress and make up are ruined. It sounds more like a food fight than lovingly feeding each other, which, I thought, was the actual purpose.

[TurtleDove]

I've never seen it in real life, and I hope I never do. I find it horribly disrespectful, even if both people agree to do it. 

[SamiHami]

It's juvenile and simply not funny. I really don't understand what some folks get out of doing that.

That being said, I ensured it didn't happen at my own wedding, but that's as far as my authority goes! If I were to attend a wedding I would think the HC was being incredibly tacky, but I would never express that out loud. Not my business to say anything.

[Giraffe, Esq]

When my brother and sister-in-law had been dating for a WEEK, we were all at a party celebrating my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary.  We were eating cake, and my brother jokingly put a dab of frosting on my sister-in-law's nose.  She smooshed a large chunk on his face.  My great aunt was nearby and asked, "Practicing for the wedding?"

We all thought it was hilarious.  To be fair, we were all in/just out of college, so yeah, we were young. 

But then, a year or so later, at their engagement party, she put a dab of frosting on his nose (and if I recall correctly, kissed it off).  He did not retaliate.

So when they got married, while I totally understand the bride being concerned about her makeup and wanting to keep her dress from getting covered in frosting, I really wanted her to put some on his nose.  By that point, it was tradition!

She did not.  I don't know if they agreed ahead of time, or what, but they didn't do any cake smashing.

I agree it can be uncomfortable if it's clear that one half doesn't want to do it, but I think if it's fun and flirty and fits the couples' personalities, it's not disrespectful at all.

[jedikaiti]

It's juvenile and simply not funny. I really don't understand what some folks get out of doing that.

That being said, I ensured it didn't happen at my own wedding, but that's as far as my authority goes! If I were to attend a wedding I would think the HC was being incredibly tacky, but I would never express that out loud. Not my business to say anything.

Exactly. If I knew one of the HC was not OK with it and the other did it anyway, I might start wondering about the longevity of the marriage, but I'd still keep it to myself.

My STBDH knows very well my position on this issue, and wouldn't DREAM of trying it.

[poundcake]

I'm sure there are fun, informal couples who can pull off a Cakesmash with humor and aplomb, but it really does seem like 99 times out of 100, one person isn't as willing as the other, and it comes off as gross, petty, immature, bratty, stupid, tacky and cruel. It also tells me a lot about the dynamic of the couple and the level of disrespect tolerated for whatever reason, like my cousin whose husband did a big, messy Cakesmash on her, and then was all confused about why she was upset. Turns out, that's how many of their family arguments go: he does something immature, stupid or harmful that upsets her, and then plays innocent when she freaks out. No thanks.

[Redneck Gravy]

I made it crystal clear that this would not be permitted at my reception and we actually fed each other a bite off of forks.

I did not want anything on my dress (that is still carefully wrapped for our daughters) and he did not want anything on his white tuxedo either.  So we were both careful and respectful.

I do not not find it amusing in any way but I would not criticize others for doing it - whatever trips your trigger...

[Betelnut]

I think why people do it (cake smashing) is that is can be incredibly awkward for some people to feed another adult.  The cake smashing is sort of a way to break the tension in a "tender moment" that is being witnessed by dozens of other people.  Like gallows humor.

Personally, tt would be so "not me" to feed my new husband.  I guess if I were ever in this situation (doubtful as I am a 50 year-old spinster), I would just not do the "feeding each other" part of the cake cutting.

I don't like cake smashing either but I don't consider it rude if both people are into it.

[Tabby Uprising]

Personally, I can't wrap my brain around the idea that one could be near cake and have so much as a crumb not go directly into the mouth.  What a waste of precious frosting!  My precious......

Anywho.... my DH and I certainly didn't engage in such a blasphemous waste of frosting at our wedding.  Furthermore, I am pleased as punch to say that my newly one year old son is following in our footsteps.  At his party, he was utterly meticulous about feeding himself little bits of cake. Very clean, very tasty. 

[Yvaine]

Personally, I can't wrap my brain around the idea that one could be near cake and have so much as a crumb not go directly into the mouth.  What a waste of precious frosting!  My precious......

In all fairness, I've had some wedding cakes for which smashing is probably a better use. 

[WillyNilly]

I think why people do it (cake smashing) is that is can be incredibly awkward for some people to feed another adult.  The cake smashing is sort of a way to break the tension in a "tender moment" that is being witnessed by dozens of other people.  Like gallows humor.

Personally, tt would be so "not me" to feed my new husband.  I guess if I were ever in this situation (doubtful as I am a 50 year-old spinster), I would just not do the "feeding each other" part of the cake cutting.

I don't like cake smashing either but I don't consider it rude if both people are into it.

I've been to (and when I was a banquet waitress, worked at) countless weddings without any big deal made about cake cutting or feeding each other.  The cake was cut by the caterers and served, and that sit.  No big deal on cutting and no big deal on feeding.  Heck at my brothers wedding, held in a park, I cut and served the cake (when asked to do so) my brother & SIL never touched a knife.  And now with my own wedding rapidly approaching, my caterer asked me to fill out a questionnaire about who our party would go (are we having a band or DJ or both? will be doing a bouquet toss/garter toss/other?  will there be a cake cutting ceremony?  etc) so clearly not everyone does it if they are asking.

[Kendo_Bunny]

I've always found it tacky... I just think it's a super passive-aggressive way to start your marriage: "I love you so much sweetie - here's some CAKE in YOUR FACE!". Eurgh.

If both are into it, I guess, but I'm still going to think it's tacky, just like I think putting a garter on the person who caught the bouquet is tacky, especially when the DJ is encouraging the garter-catcher to put it up higher.

[weeblewobble]

I think it's up to the couple.  If it's something the bride and groom have discussed before the wedding and both parties are OK with the Smash of Doom, that's one thing.  I really don't have a problem with it, though I do find practice a bit silly. 

However, more often than not, I have found that when one party smashes cake aggressively into the face of their new spouse, it's an expression of underlying hostility or an unconscious showing of where their priorities really are.  A younger friend of mine made it clear to her fiance a few years ago that she didn’t want cake smashing, because she knew his friends were big fans of it and  they would stand around the cake at every wedding reception they attended, demanding to see the groom smash the cake in his bride's face. Her husband to be didn't seem to take her very seriously, so she told him again that if he smashed the cake into her face she would see it as a sign that her newly minted husband didn’t value her feelings and wanted to see her humiliated in front of all their friends and family.

With his friends chanting, “smash it, smash it!” while the "happy" couple cut the cake, my friend’s new husband SLAMMED a chunk of cake into her face. I was seriously surprised he didn’t injure her neck, he used that much force. He didn't get any cake as she dropped his piece in the scuffle.  She didn't say a word, just turned and went into the ladies room to clean off the icing and smeared into her face and hair.  Her friends (myself included) quietly followed her to the ladies room to help her clean up, while her new husband and the groomsmen yelled after us to “learn to take a joke!” We practically had to wash her hair in the bathroom sink to get the icing and cake out, so her hair was a loss. And because there was icing in her cleavage, she changed into her going away dress half-way through the reception.

She walked out of the ladies room with her eyes dry and her expression blank.  She wouldn't let the groom or his stupid friends see her cry, but she didn't tell them it was OK, either.  The reception ended fairly quickly after that with the groomsmen griping about the bride ruining their fun. The couple did not have a good honeymoon.

The incident distinctly changed the way the bride saw her husband’s treatment of her. She used to shrug off the way he pandered to his friends, the way he told her to “lighten up” and criticized her for not getting jokes at her expense. She honestly thought she just needed to get used to his friends and their humor.  Now, her eyes were open and she had a new perspective on her husband's behavior.

She divorced the guy within eight months.  She gave him second and third chances, offered to go to counseling, but he didn't see anything wrong with his behavior and insisted she was the problem.  She says if she gets re-married, she's only going to serve cookies at the reception.