Dear Abby and the Wedding Cake Smashers

[WillyNilly]

This thread is reminding me of the story (I can't remember if it is a post here, a story on the website, a dear prudence letter) where the bride and groom decided not do do the cake smashing thing but a bride's relative decided it had to happen to her and ended up ruining her dress.

I'm getting married soon and people keep asking "are you nervous?" Honestly my planning is done, I'm confident about DF & I, etc - its carp like that I'm nervous about. Not necessarily cake smashing (well not before, thanks for the new fear!) But just guests in general doing something spontanious that is simply not cool. I can't even imagine keeping my composure if someone assaulted me with my ow wedding cake.

[Jaelle]

I don't like it, but as others have said, if a couple wants to do it, it's none of my business.

DH and I agree befored our wedding that we wanted no part of the cake smash. We cut the cake together and smiled for photos and that was it. There were friends of his who were horribly annoyed by this. They had to go through the cake smash when they got married  ... so so did we! There was some yelling about this while we were cutting the cake, but we ignored it and they stopped. 

Oddly, some of the most adamant supporters of the smash were women. Maybe it's because they thought since they had to go through it at their weddings, I should have to as well?

[Venus193]

Weeblewobble, that story infuriated me on the bride's behalf.  In her place I not only would not have gone on the honeymoon I would have called a divorce lawyer before leaving the catering hall.

[Hmmmmm]

I agree with others that it is tacky.  The first time I saw it 30 yrs ago as completely spontaneous and not a full fledge face bomb, it was funny.  Now it just seems to be cliche and in poor taste. 

The funniest was a friends new husband who didn't realize that feeding each other was more than a photo op.  he held the cake up for the bride to take a bite for the photographer but then took it away after the photographer snapped the photo.  The next photo is of hpthe brides mouth chasing after the cake.  The groom thought she wouldn't eat it because it would mess up her lipstick.  20 yrs later, the husband will offer the wife a bite, and she'll five him the look.

[25wishes]

I've always found it tacky... I just think it's a super passive-aggressive way to start your marriage: "I love you so much sweetie - here's some CAKE in YOUR FACE!". Eurgh.

If both are into it, I guess, but I'm still going to think it's tacky, just like I think putting a garter on the person who caught the bouquet is tacky, especially when the DJ is encouraging the garter-catcher to put it up higher.

The funniest "garter" event I ever saw was at DH's nephew's wedding - his 8 year old son caught the garter, the single lady was a 50-60 something maiden aunt. Garter went on in about one second and never made it past her ankle.

[MrsJWine]

I think cake smashing is mildly tacky, but it's not anywhere near the same thing as crude games during an inappropriate occasion (like a formal bridal shower where many of the guests would be uncomfortable). I've never liked cake smashing, but that's why we didn't do it at my wedding. Unless he shoves it down her dress and then licks it off, I don't see how it's anyone's business to be offended by it.

[Sharnita]

I think cake smashing is mildly tacky, but it's not anywhere near the same thing as crude games during an inappropriate occasion (like a formal bridal shower where many of the guests would be uncomfortable). I've never liked cake smashing, but that's why we didn't do it at my wedding. Unless he shoves it down her dress and then licks it off, I don't see how it's anyone's business to be offended by it.

When you ask them to become your audience I think it does become their business to some degree.  A tradition of love and caring that is switched into a trick/aggressive act can be uncomfortable to watch.  I tend to find movies and tv programs where somebody is embarrassed  uncomfortable to watch, even when others think it is humorous so I usually opt out of those entertainment options.  I think it makes a lot of guests uncomfortable to be set up to witness cake smashing.

[MrsJWine]

I think cake smashing is mildly tacky, but it's not anywhere near the same thing as crude games during an inappropriate occasion (like a formal bridal shower where many of the guests would be uncomfortable). I've never liked cake smashing, but that's why we didn't do it at my wedding. Unless he shoves it down her dress and then licks it off, I don't see how it's anyone's business to be offended by it.

When you ask them to become your audience I think it does become their business to some degree.  A tradition of love and caring that is switched into a trick/aggressive act can be uncomfortable to watch.  I tend to find movies and tv programs where somebody is embarrassed  uncomfortable to watch, even when others think it is humorous so I usually opt out of those entertainment options.  I think it makes a lot of guests uncomfortable to be set up to witness cake smashing.

I think that just because you or I interpret it as aggressive doesn't make it so. My husband and I have a very lighthearted, teasing relationship. I don't like cake smashing, but I'm very familiar with how annoying it is to have people read their own interpretation into things that are completely meant in loving fun.

Some things do cross the line, but a lighthearted moment that's agreed upon by both parties ahead of time doesn't.

[Iris]

I've always found it tacky... I just think it's a super passive-aggressive way to start your marriage: "I love you so much sweetie - here's some CAKE in YOUR FACE!". Eurgh.

If both are into it, I guess, but I'm still going to think it's tacky, just like I think putting a garter on the person who caught the bouquet is tacky, especially when the DJ is encouraging the garter-catcher to put it up higher.

What KendoBunny said. You are perfectly free to do it, I won't be *offended* as such, but I will privately think it is tacky.

[Amava]

Okay, let me put it this way.

If you were in a restaurant, minding your own business, and a couple of adults, or children, at a table close to yours, started smearing food over each other's faces. Would most people be ok with that?
Or would it be said that it's disturbing, tacky, and rude to people who had to witness it?

Would we think it's cute, loving and lighthearted? Or would we ask to be seated far away from them? Maybe we would even hope that these people were asked to leave, because we didn't want to be forced to witness such a display.

Then why would it be ok at weddings?

[Sharnita]

Okay, let me put it this way.

If you were in a restaurant, minding your own business, and a couple of adults, or children, at a table close to yours, started smearing food over each other's faces. Would most people be ok with that?
Or would it be said that it's disturbing, tacky, and rude to people who had to witness it?

Would we think it's cute, loving and lighthearted? Or would we ask to be seated far away from them? Maybe we would even hope that these people were asked to leave, because we didn't want to be forced to witness such a display.

Then why would it be ok at weddings?

I think the wedding thing is actually a bit worse because guests are told to gather around and watch something else.  It is a bait and switch.  I guess if the DJ or whoever said "Please gather around for the ceremonial cake smashing/smearing" then it would seem more honest and less rude to the guests.  However when you tell the guests they are gathering to watch one thing and then present them with something else that seems wrong.  To then say it isn't their business when you asked them to come watch under false pretenses...

[Miss Understood]

Personally, I am not a fan of cake smashing. I think it's an odd thing for a couple to do after swearing fidelity and honor and love etc. But if the couple in question agree that it's hilarious and have a great time doing it, then more power to them. I definitely dislike it when it's clear that one member of the wedding couple is NOT into it. People watching can tell when it's fun, happy antics, and they can also tell when there's some kind of unpleasantness simmering under the surface, and I've seen BOTH. At weddings. Which makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be uncomfortable at a wedding, you know?

I agree.  I find it really distasteful and DH and I would never have considered it, but if it's not my wedding, it's not my business.  I wouldn't enjoy seeing it but I would keep my feelings to myself and smile politely. 

[katycoo]

Its not my bag (and I've never seen it done in Australia anyway) but the letter-writer is offended despite having no actually knowledge that the bride was upset.  She's simply assuming she was.

If the HC doesn't mind and think its a bit of fun, more power to them.  If one party wasn't happy about it - well there'll probably be some words after the event, and that's none of the letter-writer's business either.

[Winterlight]

I hate cake smashing. It's right up there with the garter toss in things I would abolish if I ruled the world.

[Tabby Uprising]

Okay, let me put it this way.

If you were in a restaurant, minding your own business, and a couple of adults, or children, at a table close to yours, started smearing food over each other's faces. Would most people be ok with that?
Or would it be said that it's disturbing, tacky, and rude to people who had to witness it?

Would we think it's cute, loving and lighthearted? Or would we ask to be seated far away from them? Maybe we would even hope that these people were asked to leave, because we didn't want to be forced to witness such a display.

Then why would it be ok at weddings?

Because it is a wedding custom (for some).  I mean, if a woman stood up in a restaurant and tossed a bouquet of flowers into a clamoring crowd of single women it would be weird, but yeah, it's okay to do at weddings.  People do the chicken dance at weddings and it wouldn't quite be appropriate to do that in a restaurant either. 

I hate to overly dissect analogies, but I just don't think the comparison levels out.