Dear Abby and the Wedding Cake Smashers

[Aeris]

Okay, let me put it this way.

If you were in a restaurant, minding your own business, and a couple of adults, or children, at a table close to yours, started smearing food over each other's faces. Would most people be ok with that?
Or would it be said that it's disturbing, tacky, and rude to people who had to witness it?

Would we think it's cute, loving and lighthearted? Or would we ask to be seated far away from them? Maybe we would even hope that these people were asked to leave, because we didn't want to be forced to witness such a display.

Then why would it be ok at weddings?

Because it is a wedding custom (for some).  I mean, if a woman stood up in a restaurant and tossed a bouquet of flowers into a clamoring crowd of single women it would be weird, but yeah, it's okay to do at weddings.  People do the chicken dance at weddings and it wouldn't quite be appropriate to do that in a restaurant either. 

I hate to overly dissect analogies, but I just don't think the comparison levels out.

Totally agree.

I'd think it was really weird and ostentatious if someone near me in a restaurant was wearing a giant white ball gown, or a tiara, or had a photographer taking photographs all over the place. What happens in a restaurant and what happens at someone's wedding are just such wildly different categories.

[Amava]

Just because it is a wedding custom for some, doesn't make it less rude.
The dollar dance is a wedding custom too.

[Aeris]

Okay, let me put it this way.

If you were in a restaurant, minding your own business, and a couple of adults, or children, at a table close to yours, started smearing food over each other's faces. Would most people be ok with that?
Or would it be said that it's disturbing, tacky, and rude to people who had to witness it?

Would we think it's cute, loving and lighthearted? Or would we ask to be seated far away from them? Maybe we would even hope that these people were asked to leave, because we didn't want to be forced to witness such a display.

Then why would it be ok at weddings?

I think the wedding thing is actually a bit worse because guests are told to gather around and watch something else.  It is a bait and switch.  I guess if the DJ or whoever said "Please gather around for the ceremonial cake smashing/smearing" then it would seem more honest and less rude to the guests.  However when you tell the guests they are gathering to watch one thing and then present them with something else that seems wrong.  To then say it isn't their business when you asked them to come watch under false pretenses...

People ask people to gather and witness their wedding vows as well, but that's not a guarantee that every guest will like, approve of, or be comfortable with everything that's said. Some people are wildly uncomfortable listening to a woman promise to 'obey' her husband, or listening to vows that highlight a belief in the submission of the marrying wife to her new husband.

By your logic, all such instances should removed or severely restricted, since it would make many guests uncomfortable.

But as long as no one is telling the guests themselves that is how *they* should be living, the guests don't have any right to get tetchy about someone else's vows. That's what's meant by 'not their business'.

[Elfmama]

With his friends chanting, “smash it, smash it!” while the "happy" couple cut the cake, my friend’s new husband SLAMMED a chunk of cake into her face. I was seriously surprised he didn’t injure her neck, he used that much force. ... The couple did not have a good honeymoon. ... She divorced the guy within eight months.

I would not have had a good honeymoon either. In fact, instead of going on a honeymoon, I would have gone to a lawyer the next morning and had that "marriage" annulled.

[Sharnita]

Okay, let me put it this way.

If you were in a restaurant, minding your own business, and a couple of adults, or children, at a table close to yours, started smearing food over each other's faces. Would most people be ok with that?
Or would it be said that it's disturbing, tacky, and rude to people who had to witness it?

Would we think it's cute, loving and lighthearted? Or would we ask to be seated far away from them? Maybe we would even hope that these people were asked to leave, because we didn't want to be forced to witness such a display.

Then why would it be ok at weddings?

I think the wedding thing is actually a bit worse because guests are told to gather around and watch something else.  It is a bait and switch.  I guess if the DJ or whoever said "Please gather around for the ceremonial cake smashing/smearing" then it would seem more honest and less rude to the guests.  However when you tell the guests they are gathering to watch one thing and then present them with something else that seems wrong.  To then say it isn't their business when you asked them to come watch under false pretenses...

People ask people to gather and witness their wedding vows as well, but that's not a guarantee that every guest will like, approve of, or be comfortable with everything that's said. Some people are wildly uncomfortable listening to a woman promise to 'obey' her husband, or listening to vows that highlight a belief in the submission of the marrying wife to her new husband.

By your logic, all such instances should removed or severely restricted, since it would make many guests uncomfortable.

But as long as no one is telling the guests themselves that is how *they* should be living, the guests don't have any right to get tetchy about someone else's vows. That's what's meant by 'not their business'.

But the vows are still the vows. If they asked people to gather to witness vows and instead playfully insulted each other I would think it was rude to the guests even if the HC was OK with it.  They aren't feeding each other cake when they tell people to come watch them do so.  And the guests, don't have a right to tell them how to live but they don't have a right to trick the guests into witnessing something that makes them uncomfortable by billing it as something that it is not.

[Aeris]

Just because it is a wedding custom for some, doesn't make it less rude.
The dollar dance is a wedding custom too.

The dollar dance is rude because it solicits money from guests. This is apparently rude because 'it's unpleasant to watch'.

'Unpleasant to watch' is not a good litmus test by which to determine what things are rude. What if many people find medieval/renaissance style weddings unpleasant to watch? What about that infamous goth wedding from the archives? What about a bride with a purple mohawk and extensive body tattoos?

What if the couple decided to have a water gun fight on the lawn for photographs? (Well away from guests so there's no accidental spray.) Would that be rude also?

[Aeris]

Okay, let me put it this way.

If you were in a restaurant, minding your own business, and a couple of adults, or children, at a table close to yours, started smearing food over each other's faces. Would most people be ok with that?
Or would it be said that it's disturbing, tacky, and rude to people who had to witness it?

Would we think it's cute, loving and lighthearted? Or would we ask to be seated far away from them? Maybe we would even hope that these people were asked to leave, because we didn't want to be forced to witness such a display.

Then why would it be ok at weddings?

I think the wedding thing is actually a bit worse because guests are told to gather around and watch something else.  It is a bait and switch.  I guess if the DJ or whoever said "Please gather around for the ceremonial cake smashing/smearing" then it would seem more honest and less rude to the guests.  However when you tell the guests they are gathering to watch one thing and then present them with something else that seems wrong.  To then say it isn't their business when you asked them to come watch under false pretenses...

People ask people to gather and witness their wedding vows as well, but that's not a guarantee that every guest will like, approve of, or be comfortable with everything that's said. Some people are wildly uncomfortable listening to a woman promise to 'obey' her husband, or listening to vows that highlight a belief in the submission of the marrying wife to her new husband.

By your logic, all such instances should removed or severely restricted, since it would make many guests uncomfortable.

But as long as no one is telling the guests themselves that is how *they* should be living, the guests don't have any right to get tetchy about someone else's vows. That's what's meant by 'not their business'.

But the vows are still the vows. If they asked people to gather to witness vows and instead playfully insulted each other I would think it was rude to the guests even if the HC was OK with it.  They aren't feeding each other cake when they tell people to come watch them do so.  And the guests, don't have a right to tell them how to live but they don't have a right to trick the guests into witnessing something that makes them uncomfortable by billing it as something that it is not.

At every wedding I've been to they announce 'the cutting of the cake'. So nothing is being billed as anything. It just happens. Or it doesn't.

I don't care for cake smashing myself, and would never do it, but I can't be bothered if someone else wants to do it.

[gramma dishes]

...   

With his friends chanting, “smash it, smash it!” while the "happy" couple cut the cake, my friend’s new husband SLAMMED a chunk of cake into her face. I was seriously surprised he didn’t injure her neck, he used that much force. He didn't get any cake as she dropped his piece in the scuffle.  She didn't say a word, just turned and went into the ladies room to clean off the icing and smeared into her face and hair.  Her friends (myself included) quietly followed her to the ladies room to help her clean up, while her new husband and the groomsmen yelled after us to “learn to take a joke!” We practically had to wash her hair in the bathroom sink to get the icing and cake out, so her hair was a loss. And because there was icing in her cleavage, she changed into her going away dress half-way through the reception.

She walked out of the ladies room with her eyes dry and her expression blank. 

It's too bad she didn't just keep walking right out the door and to whatever place you go to to get a marriage annulled.  It's hard to understand what she saw in a punky jerk like that in the first place. 

Edited:  Sorry, Elfmama.  I hadn't quite gotten to yours yet when I wrote my post.  But I'm happy I'm not the only one with that thought!   

[Amava]

Just because it is a wedding custom for some, doesn't make it less rude.
The dollar dance is a wedding custom too.

The dollar dance is rude because it solicits money from guests. This is apparently rude because 'it's unpleasant to watch'.

'Unpleasant to watch' is not a good litmus test by which to determine what things are rude. What if many people find medieval/renaissance style weddings unpleasant to watch? What about that infamous goth wedding from the archives? What about a bride with a purple mohawk and extensive body tattoos?

What if the couple decided to have a water gun fight on the lawn for photographs? (Well away from guests so there's no accidental spray.) Would that be rude also?

For the clothing, attire and body modifications part: there is just a huge difference between what people choose to wear, and how they choose to behave.  Not comparable in my book.
The Goth wedding - as much as I liked it, if it is the same one that I remember, I think it would be rude to spring it on people without a warning; with the coffin and whatnot I can see how it could be quite disturbing for some. I think when doing something so out of the ordinary and containing possible triggers (for example if some guests have just had a death in the family), a warning to the invitees is in order.

For the water guns: fine if done away from the guests and if they can choose whether to watch or not.

[Diane AKA Traska]

i have a theory on cake smashing, and why it appeals to so many.  (Note: it doesn't appeal to me, at all... but to each their own.)  I think it's a custom of "get the first fight out of the way", to get the "worse" of "for better or for worse" over with, so you can go on your honeymoon for the "better".

[kareng57]

Just because it is a wedding custom for some, doesn't make it less rude.
The dollar dance is a wedding custom too.

The dollar dance is rude because it solicits money from guests. This is apparently rude because 'it's unpleasant to watch'.

'Unpleasant to watch' is not a good litmus test by which to determine what things are rude. What if many people find medieval/renaissance style weddings unpleasant to watch? What about that infamous goth wedding from the archives? What about a bride with a purple mohawk and extensive body tattoos?

What if the couple decided to have a water gun fight on the lawn for photographs? (Well away from guests so there's no accidental spray.) Would that be rude also?

Because, to me, it looks like assault, even if they've both agreed to it.  Having "obey" in the wedding vows simply is not in the same field, or having a "goth" wedding where I don't find the WP's attire to be appealing.

I would definitely think less of a HC who did this, and might consider whether I wanted to continue the friendship.

[Aeris]

Just because it is a wedding custom for some, doesn't make it less rude.
The dollar dance is a wedding custom too.

The dollar dance is rude because it solicits money from guests. This is apparently rude because 'it's unpleasant to watch'.

'Unpleasant to watch' is not a good litmus test by which to determine what things are rude. What if many people find medieval/renaissance style weddings unpleasant to watch? What about that infamous goth wedding from the archives? What about a bride with a purple mohawk and extensive body tattoos?

What if the couple decided to have a water gun fight on the lawn for photographs? (Well away from guests so there's no accidental spray.) Would that be rude also?

Because, to me, it looks like assault, even if they've both agreed to it.  Having "obey" in the wedding vows simply is not in the same field, or having a "goth" wedding where I don't find the WP's attire to be appealing.

I would definitely think less of a HC who did this, and might consider whether I wanted to continue the friendship.

You would reconsider a friendship with a couple that got a little frosting on each other's noses playfully during a mutually agreed upon 30 seconds of silliness during their wedding?

[magician5]

Would I be offended to see cake-smashing? No, but I'd be disappointed to be shown that any of my friends had such a coarse sense of appropriate fun for a serious occasion, an occasion at which formal dress is required. If smashing fits the occasion, perhaps afterward we should put on the television and watch "Lizard Lick Towing", maybe get everyone to sing "99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall".

I feel the same way about garter-removal ... maybe it fits in its basic form, but when you have a rowdy DJ/MC insisting that the bride push the garter waaaaaay up and then have the groom remove it with his teeth, well...

I still look back with a few regrets at my own wedding day. I couldn't tell my bride "no" about anything and make it stick ("but it's a tradition, everybody expects it" was, apparently, irrefutable logic). FFIL expected not only a dollar dance, but the obligatory downing of hard-liquor shots by participants (of which there were about three, all of them her relatives). She never had heard tell of anyone objecting to their car being "decorated" (by her brothers, of course), but I was able to get that single offense off the table.

If the whole-gosh-darned-please-let-it-be-over-soon event is solemn enough to make my wife believe an invitation equals a royal command to attend, then drop the boorish behavior. At least, that's my feeling.

[Aeris]

appropriate fun for a serious occasion, an occasion at which formal dress is required.

Many weddings do not actually require formal dress.

[Tabby Uprising]

Would I be offended to see cake-smashing? No, but I'd be disappointed to be shown that any of my friends had such a coarse sense of appropriate fun for a serious occasion, an occasion at which formal dress is required. If smashing fits the occasion, perhaps afterward we should put on the television and watch "Lizard Lick Towing", maybe get everyone to sing "99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall".

I feel the same way about garter-removal ... maybe it fits in its basic form, but when you have a rowdy DJ/MC insisting that the bride push the garter waaaaaay up and then have the groom remove it with his teeth, well...

I still look back with a few regrets at my own wedding day. I couldn't tell my bride "no" about anything and make it stick ("but it's a tradition, everybody expects it" was, apparently, irrefutable logic). FFIL expected not only a dollar dance, but the obligatory downing of hard-liquor shots by participants (of which there were about three, all of them her relatives). She never had heard tell of anyone objecting to their car being "decorated" (by her brothers, of course), but I was able to get that single offense off the table.

If the whole-gosh-darned-please-let-it-be-over-soon event is solemn enough to make my wife believe an invitation equals a royal command to attend, then drop the boorish behavior. At least, that's my feeling.

Bolding mine.  Is formal attire required?  I've been to mostly dressy weddings, but I've certainly heard of people holding more casual ceremonies.  And would it really be bad to watch a TV show or sing 99 bottles at the reception?  Aren't those things more a matter of personal taste and preference rather than etiquette?

Maybe I'm a little weird to start with because I just loooove weddings, but I don't put this much thought into how other people organize their own life ceremonies.  I get an invitation and I think "Yay, Kim and Alex are getting married! I can't wait to go!".  So long as I know when it is and what the dress code is, I don't care about if they chose formal v. casual wear, if a garter will or will not be tossed, if it's on a beach, in a church or at a monster truck rally, if pushing cake into the new spouse's mouth equals assault or tradition or whatever.  I may think "Hmm, pretty church" or "Oy, not the cake smushing thing", but that's about the extent of it. 

I get the invitation, I get all warm and fuzzy for the couple and I look forward to attending.  I don't have a very rigid code about what should transpire at the event and what the ramifications are if it is not followed.  (In terms of taste vs. etiquette that is and consensual smashing is not an etiquette violation in my opinion)