Dear Abby and the Wedding Cake Smashers

[gramma dishes]

...   The smash to me represented the fact we would never take much seriously (other than those pesky adult things we had to).  That we had decided to marry in joy, laughter and fun. ...

In your case, the cake smashing was done for all the right reasons.  Your story is sweet.  And congratulations on the 20 year anniversary coming up.   

[Betelnut]

To me, the solemnity of the actual wedding ceremony and the joyousness of the recption (which is a party, after all) are too entirely different things!  The reception is supposed to be fun, so I see nothing wrong with chicken dances, silliness, etc.  Most receptions feature alcohol in some form and alcohol is not associated with people acting serious and solemn (in my mind).

I wouldn't have a cake smash at my wedding but if it is done with a sense of fun by both members of the happy couple, I would laugh along with them.

[MorgnsGrl]

When you ask them to become your audience I think it does become their business to some degree.  A tradition of love and caring that is switched into a trick/aggressive act can be uncomfortable to watch.  I tend to find movies and tv programs where somebody is embarrassed  uncomfortable to watch, even when others think it is humorous so I usually opt out of those entertainment options.  I think it makes a lot of guests uncomfortable to be set up to witness cake smashing.

Haven't read past this - but I wonder if you have the same "syndrome" as my DH.  We call it the "Three's Company Syndrome".  DH can't watch that show because the majority of their humor is based off of uncomfortable/embarrassing situations.  He literally has to look away from any show that has that kind of humor because it bothers him so much.  It's definitely something we can control in our own home, but I don't think my DH would think that his issue with those kinds of situations can be catered to in the outside world.  I do sympathize with you though!

DH calls that "Meet the Parents" humor and he can't take a lot of it either.  He empathizes with the character too much and ends up stressed out on the characters behalf.

FYI, in some online communities this is known as having an "embarrassment squick." I have one, too, so I like knowing that there's a term for it.
http://fanlore.org/wiki/Embarrassment_Squick

[Emmy]

At my wedding, DH and I talked about it ahead of time and agreed on no cake smashing.  There were several reasons.  I didn't want to ruin my dress, hair, or make-up.  Cake smashing just isn't that funny to me and I wanted a loving gesture.  Neither set of parents liked cake smashing.  Some of DH's friends were changing 'smash' and then booed us when we didn't which was really tacky on their part.  I feel for brides who have husbands who want to be 'the man' to their friends and get a few laughs at the expense of their bride (and I feel for grooms in the same boat).  I would lose a lot of respect if DH had smashed cake in my face.

Exactly.  It's as if one spouse is saying, "Well, I know we just pledged our eternal love and devotion to each other a few hours ago, but the good opinion of my 'bros' matters a lot more to me than you do."

When we got married, my fiance, his groomsmen and his father were at the tux shop. His best man asked if we were going to do the cake smash -- in a joking way, because his best man knows me well enough to know I hate/loathe/despise any sort of playing with food, food fighting etc. My fiance laughed back and said, "You know I'm not going to do that. She hates that stuff! And frankly, I think it's a waste of perfectly good cake!" My FIL immediately chimed in that because I hate playing with food, it would therefore be a great idea to smash cake in my face because "it's always funny when someone gets angry at a big event. C'mon. It'll be hysterical to see the look on her face when you do that. That's the best entertainment at a wedding -- seeing the bride get pissed off because her makeup, hair or dress is ruined."  30 years later, he still occasionally brings up how "mean" dh and I were to deny him "the fun" of watching me get angry.

Some people have a very odd sense of humor.  I also feel a little uncomfortable when I watch movies involving uncomfortable situations like "Meet the Parents", let alone witness real life drama.  Its hard to believe there are people out there who think it is funny to see another person embarrassed or angry.  In college I was dating a guy who would often do things to annoy me because he thought they were funny.  I would ask him to stop and when he didn't, I would get angry.  He then accused me of having no sense of humor and being 'mopey'.  People like that think of their own feelings as so much more important than their partner's.

Cami, it sounds like your DH is very, very smart.  If DH had cake smashed, you would be upset at him and it would likely ruin the day for both of you.  It's easy for FIL to think that is funny because he wouldn't be the one suffering.  Is this a one time thing for FIL or is that incidence indicative of his personality?  I don't understand the logic of men who upset their bride to get a couple seconds of cheers from the crowd.  It's like trading something precious like a gold ring for something cheap like a plastic one; he gets a couple of laughs for a few seconds but at the expense of violating the one he cares about most on one of the most important and special days of their lives.  Nobody will even think about or remember the cake smashing after a while, but I'm sure a woman won't forget how she felt when her new husband violated her wishes.  (I feel the same way about wives smashing cake in the face of unwilling husbands).

[Sharnita]

I think that if they call people to do the chicken dance and are willing to let people opt out or even slip out that sees reasonable.  I do see/hear it a lot at weddings around here but I think that is mostly because people here tend to like polka music and this gives everyone the chance to dance, silly though the moves may be.  Now, if they beckoned everyone to watch the bride dance with her father and then it turned out to be the Chicken Dance I could understand guests feeling they had been treated rudely.

[Cami]

At my wedding, DH and I talked about it ahead of time and agreed on no cake smashing.  There were several reasons.  I didn't want to ruin my dress, hair, or make-up.  Cake smashing just isn't that funny to me and I wanted a loving gesture.  Neither set of parents liked cake smashing.  Some of DH's friends were changing 'smash' and then booed us when we didn't which was really tacky on their part.  I feel for brides who have husbands who want to be 'the man' to their friends and get a few laughs at the expense of their bride (and I feel for grooms in the same boat).  I would lose a lot of respect if DH had smashed cake in my face.

Exactly.  It's as if one spouse is saying, "Well, I know we just pledged our eternal love and devotion to each other a few hours ago, but the good opinion of my 'bros' matters a lot more to me than you do."

When we got married, my fiance, his groomsmen and his father were at the tux shop. His best man asked if we were going to do the cake smash -- in a joking way, because his best man knows me well enough to know I hate/loathe/despise any sort of playing with food, food fighting etc. My fiance laughed back and said, "You know I'm not going to do that. She hates that stuff! And frankly, I think it's a waste of perfectly good cake!" My FIL immediately chimed in that because I hate playing with food, it would therefore be a great idea to smash cake in my face because "it's always funny when someone gets angry at a big event. C'mon. It'll be hysterical to see the look on her face when you do that. That's the best entertainment at a wedding -- seeing the bride get pissed off because her makeup, hair or dress is ruined."  30 years later, he still occasionally brings up how "mean" dh and I were to deny him "the fun" of watching me get angry.

Some people have a very odd sense of humor.  I also feel a little uncomfortable when I watch movies involving uncomfortable situations like "Meet the Parents", let alone witness real life drama.  Its hard to believe there are people out there who think it is funny to see another person embarrassed or angry.  In college I was dating a guy who would often do things to annoy me because he thought they were funny.  I would ask him to stop and when he didn't, I would get angry.  He then accused me of having no sense of humor and being 'mopey'.  People like that think of their own feelings as so much more important than their partner's.

Cami, it sounds like your DH is very, very smart.  If DH had cake smashed, you would be upset at him and it would likely ruin the day for both of you.  It's easy for FIL to think that is funny because he wouldn't be the one suffering.  Is this a one time thing for FIL or is that incidence indicative of his personality?  I don't understand the logic of men who upset their bride to get a couple seconds of cheers from the crowd.  It's like trading something precious like a gold ring for something cheap like a plastic one; he gets a couple of laughs for a few seconds but at the expense of violating the one he cares about most on one of the most important and special days of their lives.  Nobody will even think about or remember the cake smashing after a while, but I'm sure a woman won't forget how she felt when her new husband violated her wishes.  (I feel the same way about wives smashing cake in the face of unwilling husbands).

To be fair, I'd say it was indicative of his personality when he was married to his first wife and she is gone, so it's less indicative of his personality NOW, but then? Totally typical.  My FIL, we have discovered, is a follower who tends to mirror the behavior of his SO.  I have deep suspicions that she might have been a sociopath and one of the aspects of her "humor" was finding DEEP enjoyment in the discomfort, embarrassment and even, pain of others. When his first wife died, his personality seemed to undergo a drastic, albeit incomplete, change. So while he is much better now, obviously there was some part of him that found his wife's behavior to be attractive in some way and he still has those occasional tendencies/comments and the cake smashing is one of them.

[Twik]

So if someone is having a more casual, more beer-out-of-red-Solo-cups-wedding, a wear jeans and flipflops wedding, a back yard finger-licking BBQ wedding, well then so long as the first issue isn't an issue (both B&G agree on the level of smash) then ok, smash away... and maybe witness a groom pinch is brides butt, or an open mouth kiss, or shots or keg stands being done.  But I think once you start getting into ballrooms and gowns and tiaras and tuxes and limos, cakesmashing is behavior at odds with the event being held. 

Where would the chicken dance fall in your worldview?

I loathe the chicken dance and didn't have it at my wedding, but I fully understand that it's a VERY common dance to have.  Most weddings (formal and informal) I've been to have included it.  It didn't occur to me that just because everyone was dressed all fancy-like that doing a silly dance was completely inappropriate.

Unless you have no problem with the chicken dance at a formal wedding, which really means that these "traditions" (including the cake smash) is just a matter of taste and representative of what the bride and groom likes/doesn't like.

The chicken dance is fine if the participants are enjoying themselves. It's silly, but it does not (to my knowledge) involve anything that is even mock-aggressive. It may not be elegant, but it's a different level from having a food fight in formal wear.

People being forced to do the chicken dance is not so fine, and goes into the "humiliating people for laughs" category.

[Rohanna]

This hasn't been posted here yet has it, because I just spotted it on CIDU...

http://comicsidontunderstand.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/weddingcake.gif

 

[SPuck]

For some reason this kind of reminds me about the censorship episode on Simpsons where Itchy and Scratchy was banned because of violence, and then some mothers tried to get David's statue banned because it was nude. It all comes down to opinion in the end and actually seeing the event in question.

[Eeep!]

I think why people do it (cake smashing) is that is can be incredibly awkward for some people to feed another adult.  The cake smashing is sort of a way to break the tension in a "tender moment" that is being witnessed by dozens of other people.  Like gallows humor.

Personally, tt would be so "not me" to feed my new husband.  I guess if I were ever in this situation (doubtful as I am a 50 year-old spinster), I would just not do the "feeding each other" part of the cake cutting.

I don't like cake smashing either but I don't consider it rude if both people are into it.

I'm still reading the thread but I wanted to say that I do think this does play into it.  I didn't know that I would, but I found the whole cake feeding thing really awkward at my wedding. I thought it seemed like a sweet idea but when we were doing it I felt really odd.  Maybe I'm just not enough of a romantic? who knows.  But I can see someone doing it as a way to stop the weird awkwardness. Like when someone HAS to make a joke after a serious conversation because it's just too uncomfortable for them.  Not that that excuses it if it is mean and smeared all over their loved ones face, etc. But I'm just agreeing that this could be a motivation, not just to humiliate one's loved one.

And in case you were wondering,  I did not smash the cake into my DH's face Although I'm pretty sure I couldn't resist the compulsion to make some sort of joke afterwards.

[Eeep!]

I think cake smashing is mildly tacky, but it's not anywhere near the same thing as crude games during an inappropriate occasion (like a formal bridal shower where many of the guests would be uncomfortable). I've never liked cake smashing, but that's why we didn't do it at my wedding. Unless he shoves it down her dress and then licks it off, I don't see how it's anyone's business to be offended by it.

When you ask them to become your audience I think it does become their business to some degree.  A tradition of love and caring that is switched into a trick/aggressive act can be uncomfortable to watch.  I tend to find movies and tv programs where somebody is embarrassed  uncomfortable to watch, even when others think it is humorous so I usually opt out of those entertainment options.  I think it makes a lot of guests uncomfortable to be set up to witness cake smashing.

Haven't read past this - but I wonder if you have the same "syndrome" as my DH.  We call it the "Three's Company Syndrome".  DH can't watch that show because the majority of their humor is based off of uncomfortable/embarrassing situations.  He literally has to look away from any show that has that kind of humor because it bothers him so much.  It's definitely something we can control in our own home, but I don't think my DH would think that his issue with those kinds of situations can be catered to in the outside world.  I do sympathize with you though!

DH calls that "Meet the Parents" humor and he can't take a lot of it either.  He empathizes with the character too much and ends up stressed out on the characters behalf.

OOOH! I have this too! Could. Not. Stand. Meet the Parents. It was painful for me. Painful. Oddly though a mutually agreed upon cake smash does not trigger this reaction in me. But I can see how it would for someone else.

[jedikaiti]

I think cake smashing is mildly tacky, but it's not anywhere near the same thing as crude games during an inappropriate occasion (like a formal bridal shower where many of the guests would be uncomfortable). I've never liked cake smashing, but that's why we didn't do it at my wedding. Unless he shoves it down her dress and then licks it off, I don't see how it's anyone's business to be offended by it.

When you ask them to become your audience I think it does become their business to some degree.  A tradition of love and caring that is switched into a trick/aggressive act can be uncomfortable to watch.  I tend to find movies and tv programs where somebody is embarrassed  uncomfortable to watch, even when others think it is humorous so I usually opt out of those entertainment options.  I think it makes a lot of guests uncomfortable to be set up to witness cake smashing.

Haven't read past this - but I wonder if you have the same "syndrome" as my DH.  We call it the "Three's Company Syndrome".  DH can't watch that show because the majority of their humor is based off of uncomfortable/embarrassing situations.  He literally has to look away from any show that has that kind of humor because it bothers him so much.  It's definitely something we can control in our own home, but I don't think my DH would think that his issue with those kinds of situations can be catered to in the outside world.  I do sympathize with you though!

DH calls that "Meet the Parents" humor and he can't take a lot of it either.  He empathizes with the character too much and ends up stressed out on the characters behalf.

Oh good, it's not just me!

[hobish]

Gish gets that embarassment thing, too. He calls it "that Wonder Years feeling" after some quote from that show. I think it makes it sound extra creepy. I sent him the link above - embarassment squick - thanks

[O'Dell]

Ah...I suffer from this. I've wondered before if there is a nifty German word for it because it feels like the opposite of schadenfreude. Looks like there is such a word: Fremdschämen. It means external shame.

I started to watch the British "In-Betweeners" series and had to stop because it was a Fremdschämen overdose. It had me *literally* writhing on the couch.

[Diane AKA Traska]

Ah...I suffer from this. I've wondered before if there is a nifty German word for it because it feels like the opposite of schadenfreude. Looks like there is such a word: Fremdschämen. It means external shame.

I started to watch the British "In-Betweeners" series and had to stop because it was a Fremdschämen overdose. It had me *literally* writhing on the couch.

Ah Germans.  Eleventy-million words for strange emotional states.