Author Topic: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?  (Read 16553 times)

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donnamos2

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With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« on: October 01, 2012, 05:35:18 PM »
More divorce-related etiquette weirdness...

As often happens in divorce, STBXH and I have many friends who are self-segregating into separate camps: his friends vs. my friends.  This is actually quite fine with me, because quite a few of his friends were not exactly my favorite people.  However, some of his friends did have kids/babies similar in age to Babymoss, and because I have primary custody, I was a little sad that she might not see as much of these little playmates.  Then again, I consoled myself with the fact that Babymoss is still really little, so it possibly wouldn't matter.

At any rate, STBXH picked up Babymoss last weekend for a long day visit (too young for overnights), and let me know that he was taking her along with a bunch of his friends for a visit to a nearby waterpark.  Great, sounded fun.  And when he brought her home that evening, pink with sun and all played out, I thought a good time was had by all.

Not quite.

I received a phone call this morning at work from one of his friends in the waterpark group.  It seems that STBXH came along on the trip with no money, and bullied everyone else into paying for him and Babymoss' entry fees, rental equipment, refreshments, and food.  Friend lamented that this was quite an expense for which he and the others weren't prepared.  I said, "Sounds like it."

Friend then asked me for reimbursement.

I took a deep breath, remembered this board, and said, "No."  I had to listen to a bunch of reasons why I was supposed to, and while I didn't JADE, I did ask him a few questions that were probably not e-hell approved, like, "Did you tell STBXH all of this while paying for him?" and "Why would I pay you for something I didn't attend?"  Friend actually told me that I had to at the very least pay him the cost of Babymoss' attendance, but I refused that, too.

Of course, the end of the phone call was not particularly civil, what with Friend snarling that he now understood why my STBXH who is such a great guy is divorcing me. I just said that I was sorry he felt that way, please don't ever call me again, thanks and goodbye.

I'm not surprised that STBXH did this, because he did it all the time while we were married and it's one of the reasons for the divorce. I'm just stunned at the request.

However, is he right and do I owe him the cost of Babymoss' attendance? A big part of me says no out of spite: so many people go on and on about STBXH's "great guy-ness" when it was me funding of most of his great guy-driven generosity (buying a zillion rounds, picking up big dinner tabs, etc.), and I want them to finally get burned like I was.  Then again, I also want to to do what's right, but the amount Friend quoted me is pretty steep. I myself haven't taken Babymoss to the waterpark because I couldn't afford it, but am I supposed to reimburse Friend for her trip anyway?

Sharnita

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2012, 05:42:52 PM »
I am sure a "great guy" like STBX will understand when they explain and step up to the plate to meet his obligations.  In fact, one has to wonder why they didn't approach the "great guy" first?  If it is mentioned again I'd ask why they seem unwilling to address it with such a "great guy" and their very close friend.

juliechan

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2012, 05:43:03 PM »
You don't owe anybody ANYTHING. Your EX's friends will soon realize that he is clearly a mooch of the first order, as this trip to the water park has clearly shown. And really, to call you YOU to ask for reimbursement?! Somebody has a big pair of brass ones. Did this friend not hear through the grapevine about you and STBXH not really being a social unit any more?

Sounds to me like you have been dealing with a great deal from your STBXH..... I suspect this will not be the last time that you will hear requests like this from his friends. Just keep your polite spine and handy "Sorry, not my problem"-type responses handy. You are not responsible for cleaning up his messes. IMHO.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2012, 05:44:06 PM »
Good , freaking grief... No you owe nothing.  I would have laughed at someone saying I needed to pay for an ex's bad deeds.  Is it possible your Ex put the friend up to this?

pwy a wyr

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2012, 05:44:34 PM »
Of course not! You didn't agree to pay before the trip, nor are you responsible for the fees racked up by STBX in your absence. I'm guessing this 'friend' knows he won't get anything out of your ex and so has tried you. But if he couldn't afford to supplement your ex, he should've said no. Maybe you saying no will be an eyeopener to the friend that such a word exists and he'll be more likely to use it himself in the future.

I'm sorry you get stuck painted as the bad guy. But soon you'll be free! Hang in there!

Kgirl

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2012, 05:44:52 PM »
His plans his dime....really? I can't believe they even asked you!

SuperMartianRobotGirl

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2012, 05:46:46 PM »
Ok, wait, let me see if I have this logic right. He knows why STBX divorced you - because, while he bullies people into paying his way and mooches all over, that's fine, but you don't then pick up the tab for something you had nothing to do with afterward? Right? That's a reason for STBX breaking up with you rather than you breaking up with him?

No, he is not right.

dorabee

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2012, 05:48:44 PM »
Hi there,

I can't understand why You should be the one to pay? STBX is also the parent and it was his decision to attend the event...and to attend despite not being able to pay his own way.

You're not wrong at all to refuse to pay on his behalf. I'm curious, do you think your STBX told his friend that you would pay him back? ... I just can't figure out how the friend thought this was the appropriate option.

Sorry for the brevity. I'm rubbish at typing on an iPad.

If the friend tries again I'd maintain your boundaries and simply say that the excursion was nothing to do with you and that he should take up the issue of repayment with STBX since He's the one that borrowed funds.

Hope that answer helps.




MorgnsGrl

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2012, 05:51:08 PM »
He is not right. You are right -- this is not your problem, it's STBX's. It sounds like a terrible position for you to be in, but it also sounds like you've done more than your share of picking up after STBX's messes and it seems like this is definitely the place to draw the line in the sand.

Amava

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2012, 05:52:14 PM »
Ok, wait, let me see if I have this logic right. He knows why STBX divorced you - because, while he bullies people into paying his way and mooches all over, that's fine, but you don't then pick up the tab for something you had nothing to do with afterward? Right? That's a reason for STBX breaking up with you rather than you breaking up with him?

No, he is not right.

His logic makes my head hurt!!  :(

Other than that, how DARE he call you for that, OP. When he knows you are going through a divorce. How dare he!!  >:(

JenJay

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2012, 05:53:21 PM »
What? Just because you divorced their buddy means you're going to suddenly stop funding all their fun? Jerk!  ::)

That guy is whacked. You handled yourself beautifully. I have a feeling they're all going to figure out very quickly who, exactly, was picking up all the tabs. I cannot believe that this guy actually thought you'd reimburse him for your EX husband's mooch-o-rama. This is one of those "Every time I think I've heard it all..." threads.

On the plus side he's vowed to stamp his feet and never talk to you again, so you've got that going for ya!  :D

bah12

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2012, 05:53:58 PM »
Count me in as having a hard time understanding why STBXH's friend called you for reimbursement.  He is the one that went to the park, made the decision to bring his child, and then mooched off his friends to pay the way.  You aren't responsible for him.  And while I'm not sure what the terms of your divorce are, I'm pretty sure it's safe to assume that you are not responsible for financing your child's outings while she is with her father.  For this friend to then throw in the jab about understanding why he's leaving you, just boggles me.  How is it a character flaw of yours for not making right on the debts of an ex...that are his sole debts and made after you split up?  You aren't his mother and he is an adult who should act in a responsible manner.

I think that you are fine to refuse payment and that you shouldn't worry one iota about your ex's friends think. 

JoyinVirginia

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2012, 05:58:57 PM »
This request, and any future requests should be answered the same way. His debt, his responsibility.

jedikaiti

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #13 on: October 01, 2012, 06:03:39 PM »
I have to wonder if STBX and Friend were in cahoots to get you to fund their fun...
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wheeitsme

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Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
« Reply #14 on: October 01, 2012, 06:05:56 PM »
No, you are not responsible.  STBXH chose to go.  Chose to take his child.  Chose to mooch.  His friends chose to pay.



...But how much do you want to bet that STBXH told friends "I'm just a little short! But don't worry,  Just call donnamos2 and she'll pay you back..."  Hopefully your response will nip that behavior in the bud.