With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?

[JenJay]

What a butt muffin.

I think you were fine.

That said, I think you should spell it out for him that you are not going to pay for your XH's activities (or DD's) unless XH works it out with you in advance. Furthermore, any financial transactions are between you and XH and you will not be giving money to a third party.

However, I do worry somewhat that the friends might take it out on your DD. It might be worthwhile to agree to pay for half of DD's admission this time (emphasizing that you will not in the future unless you've made prior arrangements). Bonus: if you look into it and realize that DD is young enough that she should have been admitted for free, you can act completely baffled that XH would have borrowed money for DD when he didn't need it.

"XH did not make prior arrangements for me to fund this excursion. He is not my dependent, so I'm not going to fund his activities unless we work something out ahead of time. In the future, I'd like him to discuss admission for our daughter ahead of time. I don't want you to resent paying for my DD, so I'll reimburse you for half of her admission this time. I'll call the water park and have a check in the mail as soon as I can. In the future, though, don't assume that I have agreed to pay for activities that don't involve me. If XH needs to borrow money, it's between you and him. It doesn't involve me."

I disagree.  Please don't do this!  If you do, any words you speak pertaining to how finances will be handled going forward will go unheard, and both STBX and his buddies will continue to see you as an easy mark.

I agree. Also, I think any hint of willingness to contribute to her "time with Daddy" expenses will just encourage the ex to keep harping on her for more. I can absolutely see him pulling some crap like "I wanted to take you to Disney for a whole week but YOUR MOM didn't want to help pay for it!"

[weeblewobble]

It sounds like ex and ex-friend deserve each other.  I bet ex-friend is going to disappear when his formerly 'generous' (on your dollar) 'great guy' of a buddy suddenly is hitting him up for money.  Ex-friend was a jerk for insulting you after you refused to pay.  If friend resented spending that much money, he should have told ex 'no'.  If he did decide to spend the money on ex, he certainly shouldn't expect you to pay it back.  I wonder if ex's friends will still think he's a 'great guy' when he continues to hit them up for spending money?

In my experience, STBX will continue to be a "great-guy" and donnamos will be blamed for the changes, i.e. "STBX is such a great guy.  He would pay for the big expensive outing he suggested for us all, but his mean old ex-wife sucks away all of his money for stupid things like feeding and clothing their child."

[TurtleDove]

I'm with the people saying STBXH is not giving the whole story.  This friend is a woman, yes?  I cannot imagine that a water park would charge for a baby, but let's say it did - how much could it possibly be?  And why would you take a baby to a water park when the baby would be happier at a free wading pool?  Obviously, don't pay any money but I am extremely skeptical of the "story" here.

[NyaChan]

I think the friend was male.

[bopper]

I like how the friend blames you for the divorce because you won't pay up for your mooching Ex, not because he was the moocher.

It would have been awesome to say "Listen to yourself...are you seriously saying I am at fault in the marriage because I would not pay for Ex, instead of blaming him mooching off of you?"

[Margo]

Good for You on sticking to your guns. Of course you should not pay anything. You didn't arrange this, if STBX failed to plan that's his problem, if this friends were daft enough to let him mooch of them, that's their problem, and this incident will be a useful learning experience for them.

It's bizarre to me that the friend would think this was in any way reasonable or appropriate. After all, if STBX told them you'd pay, then the obvious arrangement wouldbe for him to collect rom you when he brought BabyMoss home, and for him to them repay his friend (I can't think why they'd think you'd be paying, but if you were, that would be the obvious method, to me!)

I think you handled yourself just fine, but in future, if he or any of STBX's mates try it,  I would recommend that you avoid getting drawn into any kind of discussion about it.

As soon as they bring it up  say"I don't understand why you're calling me. This has nothing to do with me, it is between you and Ex.  You need to speak to Ex."

if they persevere, repeat "This has nothing to do with me. You need to speak to Ex" then end the call.

(If they claim he told them you would pay then the same answer works, too!)

[Emmy]

It sounds like ex and ex-friend deserve each other.  I bet ex-friend is going to disappear when his formerly 'generous' (on your dollar) 'great guy' of a buddy suddenly is hitting him up for money.  Ex-friend was a jerk for insulting you after you refused to pay.  If friend resented spending that much money, he should have told ex 'no'.  If he did decide to spend the money on ex, he certainly shouldn't expect you to pay it back.  I wonder if ex's friends will still think he's a 'great guy' when he continues to hit them up for spending money?

In my experience, STBX will continue to be a "great-guy" and donnamos will be blamed for the changes, i.e. "STBX is such a great guy.  He would pay for the big expensive outing he suggested for us all, but his mean old ex-wife sucks away all of his money for stupid things like feeding and clothing their child."

It sounds like the ex friends were moochers who mooched off of STBX who liked being 'the great guy' while mooching off of you.  I don't see a friendship lasting long with too gimme types and nobody to fund it.  I imagine they will complain about you because you aren't funding their fun anymore.  Eventually though, I imagine they will tire of each other.  STBX will probably expect that after his 'generosity' (on your dime) towards the friends that his friends will be glad to pay him back for all the times he treated them.  The ex-friend will be unhappy the gravy train has stopped and he is now the one expected to pay for STBX. 

[O'Dell]

Donnamos, I know you were only asking about this one situation, but I'm concerned that your ex's behavior in the past has you questioning that his friend might be right. The friend's logic was so twisted that it should be self-evident you are right, yet here you are not sure. So...I'm going to butt my nose in and give some unasked for advice anyway!

If you have any sort of doubts about a decision or feel yourself weakening "in the moment", then stall. Give yourself time to get your bearings. Tell your ex,  or anyone that tries to pull this sort of poopadities, you'll think on it and get back to them. Then get a reality check here or with someone whose judgment you trust.

Fingers crossed that this sort of thing has been nipped in the bud!

[Pugwoman]

Wow.  I just finished reading the entire thread.  Unfortunately, there are people out there who have no clue.  Case in point:  Many years ago, my ex-husband told our 11 year old son that he didn't have to buy him Christmas or Birthday gifts anymore because he paid child support.  The man paid a whopping $125 a month (in the mid-90's) and told the whole world I was "bleeding him dry."  Even my own father believed him, until I showed him the divorce decree.  Some men are just bacon-fed knave-clowns.

[BeagleMommy]

My flabber is officially gasted!  The nerve of these two is on an epic scale.  I don't think I would have been able to form words at this demand.  Probably, I would have just hung up on him (and you would have been within your rights to do so as well).

[still in va]

My flabber is officially gasted!  The nerve of these two is on an epic scale.  I don't think I would have been able to form words at this demand.  Probably, I would have just hung up on him (and you would have been within your rights to do so as well).

i'm afraid that after realizing the purpose of his call, and hearing his rational for the request, i would have been laughing so hard that he probably would have hung up on me!

[cicero]

However, is he right and do I owe him the cost of Babymoss' attendance? A big part of me says no out of spite: so many people go on and on about STBXH's "great guy-ness" when it was me funding of most of his great guy-driven generosity (buying a zillion rounds, picking up big dinner tabs, etc.), and I want them to finally get burned like I was.  Then again, I also want to to do what's right, but the amount Friend quoted me is pretty steep. I myself haven't taken Babymoss to the waterpark because I couldn't afford it, but am I supposed to reimburse Friend for her trip anyway?

no no no and a thousand times no. this is not out of spite, this is out of what is right - your STBX had *his* time with his child, the expenses/logistics are on him.

this is going to happen again and again, you need to set your boundaries now. next time, when  your STBX's "friend" starts saying "this happened and that and now you owe me X" - say "i'm sorry, why are you telling me this? STBX owes you the money. buh bye"

[Winterlight]

Let me put it this way- say the roles were reversed. You took BabyM to a water park. You forgot your wallet or didn't have enough cash to cover stuff and your friend paid for you. Would you tell them to call your ex to get reimbursed? I'm guessing not.

Also, he is her father. He is not doing you a favor by spending time with her. He is parenting. It is his job to pay for her. If he can't afford expensive outings, then he needs to come up with things to do that fit in his budget.

[Twik]

Of course, the end of the phone call was not particularly civil, what with Friend snarling that he now understood why my STBXH who is such a great guy is divorcing me.

I'm sorry, this is actually funny. The guy who stiffed Friend is the "great guy," while the person who doesn't want to pay an obligation she didn't actually agree to is the villain in the piece? What a lovely bit of delusion! You pay the piper, and he gets credit for hiring him!

[Otterpop]

The more I read this, the more it sounds like STBX and friend expected you to pay for their fun day.  The baby was just a convenient excuse.

(Raging Waters in San Dimas, CA near me doesn't charge for children under 2.  Neither does Soak City, Buena Park, CA.  No water park I know of does.  And as far as food, you can feed a baby off your plate or bring toddler food.  They ate, drank and made merry and wanted you to pay.  I'll bet they'll think twice and count their pennies next time.)