General Etiquette > Dating

S/O Cake Smashing. When a couple wrestles.

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Some BG: Dh and I love to wrestle. He tries to pin me down, I know some of his weak spots, its a lot of fun. We do this almost nightly. Its a huge stress reliever and we both enjoy it.

Cake Smashing, in the original thread, was called disrespectful, cruel and passive aggressive. I disagree with that, because I think that if both people want something, how can it be any of those things? This got me thinking about something that happened many years ago.

Dh and I were living in Texas and discussing the possibility of moving back to his hometown in DC.

His best friend of many many years, Ed, tells DH that they need a roommate very badly. He had just met and married someone in the last 6 months. This was their first place together, but she lost her job a little while back. The only problem is, he needs someone to move in NOW. Ed and wife lived in DC.

DH and I rush a plan together. He will quit his job and I will take time off my job. We will go to DC and find jobs. Then, I will go back to TX and pack up our place and bring DS. 

When we arrive at Ed's apartment, we are given a loft with its own bathroom. I don't know if a loft is the same everywhere, but in this situation, it was a bedroom without the privacy. One wall is open for the people in the living room to see. No privacy.

DH and I get started with the job searching and the apartment searching with some wrestling on our downtime. We also make fun of each other sometimes. In fact, the making fun of each other usually leads to the wrestling. Because we only had the one bedroom, we couldn't do all of the usual running after each other, so it was pretty tame.

Anyways, less then two weeks in, Ed's wife tells us that we need to leave. She thinks our relationship is disgusting and unhealthy and doesn't want to be near it. Ed left the apartment at the beginning of the conversation.

Dh and I were both pretty upset, and I would have loved to say a few things to her, but I had to fly into action to figure out what we were going to do.

For a long time, I have been upset with her for judging our relationship like that. I was upset that she thought she had the right to decide what a healthy relationship was for us. I was also upset Ed pressured us into moving, knew that we had turned our lives upside down, then kicked us out without warning. It could have ended very badly for us.

So, some of the reactions to the cake smashing thread made me think about this situation from long ago. I am wondering now if Ed's wife was right to dictate how a couple behaves with each other in her home. Were Dh and I wrong to assume that, because we were paying for the room, that we could use it as we wished?

I think the issue of when and how you were asked to leave is a separate etiquette one, but I can certainly see that extreme physicality like wrestling might be very disturbing to bystanders who didn't know. So often, there is a blurry line in that behavior between playful and genuinely aggressive. Also, your roommate's wife may have been on the unwilling end of wrestling or something and can't see it as just a fun thing you two do.

I hate to say it because I know it left you in such a lurch, but as long as you weren't paying for time that you did not get to stay in the room, I think she was ok to express that she wanted you to leave and was uncomfortable.  That kind of activity is...I can't think of a good word here.  But if I saw someone getting physical with someone in an open room where I was watching and their bed was there, I'd feel like I was the unwilling viewer of someone else's foreplay.  It probably would have been better to forgo something like that when you didn't really have the privacy for it. 

ETA:  Of course there may not have been anything sexual in the interaction, but watching a man trying to pin down a woman while she is fighting/wrestling back, would still have made me a little uneasy unless of course it was explained to me that it was sports-like wrestling.

I'm not sure how to answer this because you're asking several very different questions.

I do think you can kick out roommates with notice if you disapprove of their conduct in your house. Especially if you're in a room without proper walls.

I assume wrestling is both noisy and obvious. I would not be cool with the disruption. Couldn't you have cooled it for a couple of weeks? BUT I also think it's possible she was bothered by one or more aspects of your relationship or your residence in her private home and wrestling was just the excuse or final straw for her.

And lastly, I do find grown people wrestling obnoxious. No matter whether it's on TV or in my house.

Well as I said in the cake smashing thread, I think its fine to do in private (and perhaps other places).  I think the same of something like wrestling.  Its 100% ok for two consenting adults to engage in wrestling (or countless other things) in privacy... but you two weren't being private.  I get it you didn't really have the option of privacy but that's not the point, the point is by doing your wrestling in front of other people, in their home, you were to an extent including them in it to a degree.  And the other people were not consenting to any level of inclusion.

She shouldn't have judged your relationship, but I think she was fine to be at odds with your lifestyle.  I think its on par to something like walking around naked.  In your own private home go for it.  In a roommates situation, you confine it to private areas.  If your bedroom isn't private then you wait until the roommates are out.


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