S/O Cake Smashing. When a couple wrestles.

[NyaChan]

Sio, apologies if you already answered this, but did you have any contact with these people after they did this to you?  What did Ed do as you guys packed up to leave?

[SiotehCat]

Sio, apologies if you already answered this, but did you have any contact with these people after they did this to you?  What did Ed do as you guys packed up to leave?

This was about 6 years ago. Dh spoke to Ed, for the first time since then, a few months ago.

Ed contacted Dh to catch up. They just discussed what they had been up to the last 6 years. Dh told Ed that he really wanted to keep in touch. Ed agreed. They haven't spoken since.

Ed and his wife have had some sad things happen in their lives. I do feel bad for them.

DH always thinks back fondly of Ed. He was really sad when all this happened.

[Zilla]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe OP and her DH are not in possession of a marriage license but the nature of their relationship is such that they consider themselves married and refer to each other as such.

My Dh and I are considered married by the law. Texas state law recognizes common law marriage as long as certain criteria is met. Virginia state law recognizes common law marriage as long as it was initially created in a state that recognizes it.

Its good enough for the IRS, our employers, our insurance providers and ourselves.

I hope I am not coming across as snarky, but this is something that I get questioned about fairly often.

I think it is very rude for posters to continue to call him my BF when I have repeatedly called him my DH. I don't see why it matters to anyone what our relationship is or isn't.

JenJay, yours was the easiest for me to quote, but my post was not directed at only you.

I can't speak for everyone here but I do remember you were the one that said you weren't married hence the confusion at times.  And a paper stating that you are in a common law marriage from Texas doesn't matter, you call him your dh and that's that.  Sorry you had to get defensive!

[marcel]

The "my home" arguement is irrelevent in this instance. Sio and her partner were paying rent. That makes it their home as well.

Its not irrelevant.  Just because Sio & her partner were paying rent doesn't mean they get free reign to do anything they want.  Of course the other two don't either. 

It may be a part of different culture, or even different laws, however if I pay rent for a place here, then that is my home, and nobody else has anything to say about it. If they were wrestling in their own room, then Sio and her husband were wrestling in their own home, and not Ed's home.

Ed and his wife had created a situation (by misrepresenting the living conditions to Sio and her husband) where there was no privacy for Sio and here husband. If you create a situation like that, you should not start complaining if you get to see some of the private live of the person you created the situation for.

[JenJay]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe OP and her DH are not in possession of a marriage license but the nature of their relationship is such that they consider themselves married and refer to each other as such.

My Dh and I are considered married by the law. Texas state law recognizes common law marriage as long as certain criteria is met. Virginia state law recognizes common law marriage as long as it was initially created in a state that recognizes it.

Its good enough for the IRS, our employers, our insurance providers and ourselves.

I hope I am not coming across as snarky, but this is something that I get questioned about fairly often.

I think it is very rude for posters to continue to call him my BF when I have repeatedly called him my DH. I don't see why it matters to anyone what our relationship is or isn't.

JenJay, yours was the easiest for me to quote, but my post was not directed at only you.

No worries, I completely support you! My intent was to point out that your status hadn't recently changed so we could get back on topic, not to pick at the technicality of your marriage. 

[WillyNilly]

The "my home" arguement is irrelevent in this instance. Sio and her partner were paying rent. That makes it their home as well.

Its not irrelevant.  Just because Sio & her partner were paying rent doesn't mean they get free reign to do anything they want.  Of course the other two don't either. 

It may be a part of different culture, or even different laws, however if I pay rent for a place here, then that is my home, and nobody else has anything to say about it. If they were wrestling in their own room, then Sio and her husband were wrestling in their own home, and not Ed's home.

Well absolutely i agree with the first half - it was Sio & her DH's home.  Absolutely, no debate.
But it absolutely was also Ed & his wife's home as well.  And I really don't see how that is up for debate.

So while it was each of their homes, it was each other's home too; it was a shared home.  And a shared home is not the same as a private home.

Ed and his wife had created a situation (by misrepresenting the living conditions to Sio and her husband) where there was no privacy for Sio and here husband. If you create a situation like that, you should not start complaining if you get to see some of the private live of the person you created the situation for.

I don't disagree Ed & his wife had misrepresented the living conditions to Sio and her DH, and created the whole situation.

And I certainly this Ed's wife went about things in the absolute wrong way.

But she was totally within her rights to not be comfortable sharing her home with a couple she felt were different enough in their lifestyle as to make her uncomfortable in her own home.  Yes Sio & her DH lived there, but so did Ed's wife.

[Rohanna]

Maybe her vehement reaction was because something in the OP's relationship was a "trigger". I know that your relationship works for you, but to spark such a reaction from someone so quickly would leave me introspective and wondering how my husband and I were portraying ourselves to others. Sometimes the politest thing for a couple to do is to keep the personal banter and behaviours private- and I feel that in a shared living situation, privacy and decorum are important- especially at the beginning. Once you learn each others boundaries a little better- then you can loosen up, but when you first move into a room-mate situation, particularly a less than ideal one like described in the OP- one's "company" behaviour should be used while everyone settles in.

However- I think there could have been better communication on both sides. They needed to give more notice, or speak up before what was bothering her/them got to the point she blew up at you. Waiting until you can't take it anymore and then flipping out isn't really a mature or polite way to handle a housemate issue. You probably should have given notice that things weren't going to work as they were, privacy wise. It sounds like everything happened too quickly without being thought out, and it came to a head badly.

[bonyk]

The wrestling would have driven me bananas, but they should have asked you to stop (or at least dial it back) before they tossed you.  Probably a blessing in disguise, though.

[mbbored]

The wrestling would make me uncomfortable, same as P.D.A. But, I choose not to live with couples and if I did, I wouldn't ask them to live in a room without a door. And if I did make the above choices, the polite choice would be to ask them to tone it down or suggest that it isn't a good fit and they find a new place.

[grannyclampettjr]

Eh, I'd have problems with people roughhousing around me all the time, for a couple of reasons.

One is that I don't like to be around constant sudden movements even if you are not coming for me.  Don't like pillow fights, spitball fights or food fights.  Don't like malls and other crowded places where people are milling about and can come at me from any direction.  I guess it's a sensory issue.

The other is that I believe that when you are sharing close quarters one must be on better behavior, rather than everybody having to put up with everybody elses quirks.  The quirks must be suppressed as much as possible or taken elsewhere. 

If she did not have any intrusive personality traits or behaviors that you had to put up with in turn then you are making her do all the "putting up with".  Know what I mean?

[DavidH]

Whether or not anyone else wrestles with their SO isn't really the point, if they are both freely consenting to the behavior it's their own decision.  I can understand not wanting to watch, and if it were occurring in a public space, the living room, dining room, kitchen, the it is certainly reasonable for the roommate to object to their choice of location.  On the other hand they were doing it in what the roommate represented to them as their bedroom.  I think it is rude to peek into your roommates bedroom and set rules around what they can and can't do there.  Dictating behavior in the bedroom is very close to saying that your roomates scrabble moves are not the ones you approve of so they must leave.

If they felt they had to object, then at the least they could have said that the wrestling disturbed them and could they avoid doing it while they were around.  If that weren't sufficient for them, then they could have asked them to avoid it until they could find another place to live, which is still better than kicking them out abruptly. 

Telling another couple that their relationship is unhealthy and disgusts you is, I think, always rude.  Even if you feel that your disgust is justified, it's still rude to tell someone that.

[Mental Magpie]

Whether or not anyone else wrestles with their SO isn't really the point, if they are both freely consenting to the behavior it's their own decision.  I can understand not wanting to watch, and if it were occurring in a public space, the living room, dining room, kitchen, the it is certainly reasonable for the roommate to object to their choice of location.  On the other hand they were doing it in what the roommate represented to them as their bedroom.  I think it is rude to peek into your roommates bedroom and set rules around what they can and can't do there.  Dictating behavior in the bedroom is very close to saying that your roomates scrabble moves are not the ones you approve of so they must leave.

If they felt they had to object, then at the least they could have said that the wrestling disturbed them and could they avoid doing it while they were around.  If that weren't sufficient for them, then they could have asked them to avoid it until they could find another place to live, which is still better than kicking them out abruptly. 

Telling another couple that their relationship is unhealthy and disgusts you is, I think, always rude.  Even if you feel that your disgust is justified, it's still rude to tell someone that.

I agree with absolutely every point you've made.

[SpikeMichigan]

   If she'd calmly and politely asked you to lay off the wrestling, as it made her uncomfortable, than it would be fair enough - I can see how someone in that situation might be a bit put off - though would it have been better for her to join in? That would be funny to see...

 The way she called you and your relationship disgusting was incredibly judgemental and totally uncalled for. In my mind that level of rudeness and vileness massively trumps any etiquette transgressions you made with your sort-of PDA. She was the rude one, I hope you never have to share living space with someone like that again.