I'll try to keep this short, and will refer to everyone by their relationship to my grandmother (not me) for simplicity. If it helps, the daughter referred to here is my mother.
B/G: Grandmother is 99. She is slowing down physically and has someone at home with her during the day, but she is living independently and sharp as a tack. She can walk from, say, door to car, but often uses a wheelchair for bigger distances and loves the freedom it gives her. She is pretty spectacular, but she is also imperious, demanding and self-centered. She had four children - her son is deceased and, of her three daughters, my mother is the only one who will deal with her. Yep, she's that difficult. End B/G
Grandmother's son passed away last year and, as he was a vet with MS and cancer, decided to donate himself to the local teaching hospital. Fast forward to now. The hospital has released his ashes to his wife, Daughter in Law.
Here's the issue: Grandmother has insisted that either a) the ashes be shipped down to her or b) she be flown up (from FL to MA) for the service. Flying is a Major Production for Grandmother - it involves two plane tickets (her aide has to come), limos, the 'appropriate' accommodations and food choices at Daughter's house, etc. It is expensive and positively exhausting for Daughter, who is now caught in the middle between Grandmother and Daughter-In-Law. Naturally, Grandmother has put Daughter in the middle of all this. Daughter is down to her last nerve.
So - what would you do? Tell Grandmother that it's Daughter-in-Law's decision and she has no say? Tell Daughter-in-Law to suck it up and send the ashes down? Fly Grandmother? Pull a King Solomon?
I've told Daughter (my mother) to stay out of it - but she really can't without completely ignoring her mother which she can't/won't do.