My Grandmother, Her Son, Her Daughter, & Her Daughter-in-Law (Funeral stuff)

[doodlemor]

Perhaps she could view the services via skype. 

I like Claire's idea of saying that son had made a request about his ashes.  It is DIL's choice of what to do with the ashes.  It would be nice if she would split them up, but she has the right to refuse.

The human ashes that I have dealt with were much heavier than wood ashes.  If Grandma has handled ashes before she may not fall for that one.

[elephantschild]

Especially with the update on what the son thought of his mother, I'd say it's completely, positively not her decision. His wife and child get the ashes. If they want to split them, that would be nice ... but it's their decision.

I'd also be leery of flying Grandma there, too. It sounds like she expects the red carpet treatment, but also expects others to pay for it and deal with it.    I can say I wouldn't be willing to deal with that at all, but that's easy for me to say. Not so easy for your mother. 

I guess my advice comes down to stay out of it, and say that it's just not possible to fly her up there. Then bean-dip away. I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty, though.

She sounds like a nightmare.

[gramma dishes]

...   he was a vet with MS and cancer, decided to donate himself to the local teaching hospital.  ...

Am I the only one horribly confused?  I thought that when you donate yourself to a teaching hospital, the body remains 'intact'.  So how are their ashes?  Or did the hospital use the body for its intended purpose and THEN have it cremated?

[still in va]

...   he was a vet with MS and cancer, decided to donate himself to the local teaching hospital.  ...

Am I the only one horribly confused?  I thought that when you donate yourself to a teaching hospital, the body remains 'intact'.  So how are their ashes?  Or did the hospital use the body for its intended purpose and THEN have it cremated?

i think in this case, it's the second.

when my SIL's body was donated to a teaching hospital, the remains of all donated bodies were cremated together after a certain amount of time (i think it was two years), and were interred together with all names listed.

[gramma dishes]

The human ashes that I have dealt with were much heavier than wood ashes.  If Grandma has handled ashes before she may not fall for that one.

I've only seen human ashes twice.  I was quite surprised the first time.   They looked more like tiny itsy bitsy pebbles than 'wood' ashes.

[WillyNilly]

...   he was a vet with MS and cancer, decided to donate himself to the local teaching hospital.  ...

Am I the only one horribly confused?  I thought that when you donate yourself to a teaching hospital, the body remains 'intact'.  So how are their ashes?  Or did the hospital use the body for its intended purpose and THEN have it cremated?

Usually after a body has been, well used for teaching, there's not much nice left to look at as its been a year dead and operated on and dissected, etc.  Cremation is a good choice at that point.

[gramma dishes]

...   he was a vet with MS and cancer, decided to donate himself to the local teaching hospital.  ...

Am I the only one horribly confused?  I thought that when you donate yourself to a teaching hospital, the body remains 'intact'.  So how are their ashes?  Or did the hospital use the body for its intended purpose and THEN have it cremated?

i think in this case, it's the second.

when my SIL's body was donated to a teaching hospital, the remains of all donated bodies were cremated together after a certain amount of time (i think it was two years), and were interred together with all names listed.

So the ashes would have been from multiple people?  Sort of "homogenized" ashes?   

[Outdoor Girl]

Without the back story, this is a perfect opportunity for a 'King Solomon' solution.  Take out a small amount of ashes, place in a pretty little urn, ship them to Grandma.  She and her close living daughter and family can have their own little memorial service.  DIL gets to do what she wants to do.  As niece to DIL, I would have no problem gently encouraging her to do this.

With the back story?  Not so much.  I quite like WillyNilly's fireplace ash suggestion.  Just make sure to sift it well enough that there are no charcoal bits.     And DIL can quietly gloat to herself about pulling one over on Grandma, in memory of her husband and his feelings toward Grandma.

[still in va]

...   he was a vet with MS and cancer, decided to donate himself to the local teaching hospital.  ...

Am I the only one horribly confused?  I thought that when you donate yourself to a teaching hospital, the body remains 'intact'.  So how are their ashes?  Or did the hospital use the body for its intended purpose and THEN have it cremated?

i think in this case, it's the second.

when my SIL's body was donated to a teaching hospital, the remains of all donated bodies were cremated together after a certain amount of time (i think it was two years), and were interred together with all names listed.

So the ashes would have been from multiple people?  Sort of "homogenized" ashes?   

pretty much, and probably for the reasons that WillyNilly cited.

[Salvage3]

I'm also a little confused.  You said either have ashes sent or fly to memorial service.  Is there even going to be a memorial, or would the DIL even want her MIL present --particularly, with your background on son and mother relationship?  Is your grandmother also demanding that a memorial service be held? 

I really think your mother simply needs to say "no".  There might be some verbal fallout, but what is your grandmother actually going to do.  If your mom and dad are supposting her, I am sure she is not going to cut that off.

[gramma dishes]

...   I really think your mother simply needs to say "no".  There might be some verbal fallout, but what is your grandmother actually going to do?  If your mom and dad are supporting her, I am sure she is not going to cut that off.

Good point!

[MindsEye]

...   he was a vet with MS and cancer, decided to donate himself to the local teaching hospital.  ...

Am I the only one horribly confused?  I thought that when you donate yourself to a teaching hospital, the body remains 'intact'.  So how are their ashes?  Or did the hospital use the body for its intended purpose and THEN have it cremated?

i think in this case, it's the second.

when my SIL's body was donated to a teaching hospital, the remains of all donated bodies were cremated together after a certain amount of time (i think it was two years), and were interred together with all names listed.

I don't want to derail, but I have a family member who works at a teaching hospital and who deals with body donations...

Regardless of what is done with the donated remains (dissections, etc) the hospital has the duty to keep all of the "parts" together and to keep them from getting mixed up with other parts from other donations..

When the donated remains have been used for their purpose, it is up to the family to determine how they are disposed of (this is usually decided on at the time of donation) so some options might be to return all of the "parts" for a closed coffin ceremony, to cremate the "parts" and return the ashes, or to cremate/inter the parts of several donations together (usually this option is if there is no family who is willing or able to receive the "parts" when the hospital is done with them).

I hope that my quick explanation makes sense!

[still in va]

...   he was a vet with MS and cancer, decided to donate himself to the local teaching hospital.  ...

Am I the only one horribly confused?  I thought that when you donate yourself to a teaching hospital, the body remains 'intact'.  So how are their ashes?  Or did the hospital use the body for its intended purpose and THEN have it cremated?

i think in this case, it's the second.

when my SIL's body was donated to a teaching hospital, the remains of all donated bodies were cremated together after a certain amount of time (i think it was two years), and were interred together with all names listed.

I don't want to derail, but I have a family member who works at a teaching hospital and who deals with body donations...

Regardless of what is done with the donated remains (dissections, etc) the hospital has the duty to keep all of the "parts" together and to keep them from getting mixed up with other parts from other donations..

When the donated remains have been used for their purpose, it is up to the family to determine how they are disposed of (this is usually decided on at the time of donation) so some options might be to return all of the "parts" for a closed coffin ceremony, to cremate the "parts" and return the ashes, or to cremate/inter the parts of several donations together (usually this option is if there is no family who is willing or able to receive the "parts" when the hospital is done with them).

I hope that my quick explanation makes sense!

makes perfect sense, thank you for your explanation.  i believe in my SIL's case, the families were given the option.  but it's been over 15 years, and i'm not that clear on all of the details.

[QueenofAllThings]

Thanks, all, for your input. He did indeed choose to be cremated and returned to his family for disposal. He's not an internment kind of guy - would prefer to be scattered (preferably all over Yankee Stadium).

His wife is planning a memorial service. Grandmother, if she cannot go, would like to have a memorial service of her own - WITH the cremains, thank you very much.

The solution, to me, is obvious. The cremains belong to DIL. My mother doesn't have a good relationship with her mother either, but has enough sense of filial duty (and guilt) to take care of her mother. Saying 'No' to Grandmother doesn't go well and, as my mother rarely says no to her, I can't imagine she'll start now. My mother will probably have some major stress-induced health crisis, if my father doesn't knock her off first (her mother makes her VERY grouchy).

[TootsNYC]

I don't know why there's any 'middle' to be in, in a way.

The man's wife is his next of kin--she can do what he wants.

If I were the DIL--the widow--here's what I'd do. I'd schedule a memorial service to be followed by an interment (or disposition of ashes, whatever it is). And then I'd announce this to all the family.

Whether Grandma travels or not is GRANDMA's problem. And then, of course, it's your mom's problem, but that's your mom's business. It's between her and her own mother.

And that's what I'd advise my mom to do. Say to Grandma, "We can't exactly boss your DIL around--it's not like we can MAKE her send you the ashes. This was her husband. So you and I will figure out how to deal with the memorial service once we know the date."

The problem of the daughter (your mother) having to deal with Grandma traveling or not traveling is NOT the daughter-in-law's (your aunt's) problem. It's your mom's, and she needs to own it.

It sounds like your mom's hassle with Grandma is the only thing creating the problem here. And I don't have a lot of sympathy for your mom. She wants her sister-in-law to give up all or part of her husband's remains in order to keep HER from having to deal with Grandma traveling? Not cool.