Author Topic: My Grandmother, Her Son, Her Daughter, & Her Daughter-in-Law (Funeral stuff)  (Read 11493 times)

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JeanFromBNA

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What would you SIL think of giving Grandmother a small amount of the cremains?  Say, about enough to fit in a perfume bottle, or about 2 oz?  Then your Mother could tell your Grandmother that your BIL wanted to be scattered where he lived.  End of story.  Your Mother and Grandmother could have a service the next time your Mother was in town.

TootsNYC

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If I were the SIL, I'd be sort of pissed off that anybody would suggest I should break up the cremains.
And especially if it were suggested as a way to placate a really annoying and demanding person.

Dividing them up is NOT the only reason for cremation.

BarensMom

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Having read the whole thread, the fireplace ash in the urn idea sounds like the one to run with.  OP, do you have a relationship with DIL that you two could set it up on the QT?

WillyNilly

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I've been trying to find a way to express this...

I, and many others, for all sorts of reasons, find the idea of dividing up the ashes to be so abhorrent its hard to even come up with a polite way to say "please stop suggesting that folks".  Its been suggested.  The OP gets the idea, there is no need for people to keep suggesting it.

Judah

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If I were the SIL, I'd be sort of pissed off that anybody would suggest I should break up the cremains.
And especially if it were suggested as a way to placate a really annoying and demanding person.

Dividing them up is NOT the only reason for cremation.

It  might be the fact that splitting up cremains is against my religion that is coloring my response, but I could never do this. And the suggestion that I do it to placate someone who is acting like a spoiled child would really tick me off.  Grandmother needs to deal with the fact that she is not the decision maker and I would encourage her to hold her own memorial service without the cremains.
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Judah

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I've been trying to find a way to express this...

I, and many others, for all sorts of reasons, find the idea of dividing up the ashes to be so abhorrent its hard to even come up with a polite way to say "please stop suggesting that folks".  Its been suggested.  The OP gets the idea, there is no need for people to keep suggesting it.

Yes.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
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LeveeWoman

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If I were the daughter-in-law, any fit my mother-in-law pitched over this just might push me over the edge to a cut-off.

Hmmmmm

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I've been trying to find a way to express this...

I, and many others, for all sorts of reasons, find the idea of dividing up the ashes to be so abhorrent its hard to even come up with a polite way to say "please stop suggesting that folks".  Its been suggested.  The OP gets the idea, there is no need for people to keep suggesting it.

Yes.

I'm saying this the nicest way possible.  Since the OP was the first to suggest as an option, it must not be against her beliefs.  Therefore, this might not be the best thread for you to participate in.

I dislike the idea of fake ashes.  If your mother refuses to stay out of it, which she should, then I'm not sure what advice to give.  If I were your mom, I'd ask her SIL if she would be willing to travel to GM bringing the ashes, attend a local service, and then return home to permenantly intur the ashes as she wishes.  If she says no them your mom needs to make her mom understand that she will not be hiring someone to go still the ashes and that she is not traveling.

LeveeWoman

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People with certain beliefs shouldn't participate in certain threads?

Judah

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I've been trying to find a way to express this...

I, and many others, for all sorts of reasons, find the idea of dividing up the ashes to be so abhorrent its hard to even come up with a polite way to say "please stop suggesting that folks".  Its been suggested.  The OP gets the idea, there is no need for people to keep suggesting it.

Yes.

I'm saying this the nicest way possible.  Since the OP was the first to suggest as an option, it must not be against her beliefs.  Therefore, this might not be the best thread for you to participate in.

But it's not the OP's decision; it's the daughter-in-law's decision to make and I'm just saying that the DIL might find the idea as abhorrent as I do.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

-The Car Talk Guys

WillyNilly

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I've been trying to find a way to express this...

I, and many others, for all sorts of reasons, find the idea of dividing up the ashes to be so abhorrent its hard to even come up with a polite way to say "please stop suggesting that folks".  Its been suggested.  The OP gets the idea, there is no need for people to keep suggesting it.

Yes.

I'm saying this the nicest way possible.  Since the OP was the first to suggest as an option, it must not be against her beliefs.  Therefore, this might not be the best thread for you to participate in.

I dislike the idea of fake ashes.  If your mother refuses to stay out of it, which she should, then I'm not sure what advice to give.  If I were your mom, I'd ask her SIL if she would be willing to travel to GM bringing the ashes, attend a local service, and then return home to permenantly intur the ashes as she wishes.  If she says no them your mom needs to make her mom understand that she will not be hiring someone to go still the ashes and that she is not traveling.

And the way the OP suggested it, by referencing King Soloman, suggests to me she sees it as a very extreme solution and not one to be considered lightly and rather one that might greatly upset at least one half of the dueling parties (the daughter in law and the grandmother).  Remember the outcome in the King Soloman case was that the baby was not in fact cut in half, and the one refusing to allow that to happen even at the cost of their own heart breaking was seen as the true loving parent.

Judah

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People with certain beliefs shouldn't participate in certain threads?

So giving a different perspective isn't allowed?  If the decision was OPs to make and she wanted to split the ashes, then that's what she should do, but it's not her decision to make and all I'm saying is that the DIL might find the idea as abhorrent as I do.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

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jemma

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Nobody should ask DIL to spit up her husband's remains or send them to her mil.  Whether your grandmother gets an all expense paid trip to the memorial service on your mother's dime is a relationship issue not an etiquette issue.  Either way is perfectly polite.  I'd stay out of it if I were you, and if your mom pushes just tell her whatever you believe.  For example, "Mom, you have to learn to stand up to Granny.  Telling her 'no' is the only reasonable option given your financial situation." Or "Mom, you can afford to send Granny to the memorial service, and it isn't worth the fight with her for your own mental health.  Just plan it and get it over with." 

zyrs

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No fake ashes, but no real ashes either.

It needs to be reiterated to Grandma that it is the DIL's decision.

SPuck

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I think in the end, no one should guilt or even politely suggest the grieving DIL into any action she does not want to do nor would her husband want to do. In the end it is going to be the OP's mother who has to deal with her own lack of spine in the relationship she has with her mother, no one else.