Author Topic: My Grandmother, Her Son, Her Daughter, & Her Daughter-in-Law (Funeral stuff)  (Read 11500 times)

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still in va

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I find the idea of sending fake cremains to anyone to be dishonest and highly offensive.  I can't believe that it was seriously suggested on this board.

Jean, i really do think it was meant as more of a joke.  and the Queen took it as such.

gramma dishes

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QueenofAllThings ~~  If I remember correctly, somewhere in the thread you said that Grandmother had spent all her considerable amount of money in virtually record time which leaves your own mother (and Dad I presume) to pay for virtually all her expenses.  I think it's time for the other sisters to step up to the plate here.

Maybe they don't want to deal with her (and that's okay), but that doesn't mean the TOTAL burden should be on your mother.  If the family thinks it's important enough for Grandma to go to her son's memorial service, then they should be the ones footing the bill, or at least providing two thirds of the costs. 

Grandma, with her past spending habits, is responsible for this dilemma.  Maybe it's time someone just told her the truth.  "Yes, we know you want to go.  But you don't have the money to go and we don't have the money to send you!  So it's just not going to be possible."

TootsNYC

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Well, the Queen's mom is apparently that someone.

gramma dishes

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Yep.

Jape

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I apologise that I haven't read all of the responses as this may have already been suggested.  I only have a couple of minutes and I knew if I didn't get it down now I'd forget by the time I read everything!

Is it possible for the cremains to be flown down to where your grandmother is for a memorial service ONLY?  As in, the ashes don't get scattered, it's just a service with the urn at the front of the room.  Then the ashes are flown back to the wife to have her service and scattering of the ashes.

I realise this might be completely impractical, and may not meet either woman's preference, but it was the best idea I had!

Ultimately, it is up to the wife and the grandmother will just have to live with the decision she makes.

scansons

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I apologise that I haven't read all of the responses as this may have already been suggested.  I only have a couple of minutes and I knew if I didn't get it down now I'd forget by the time I read everything!

Is it possible for the cremains to be flown down to where your grandmother is for a memorial service ONLY?  As in, the ashes don't get scattered, it's just a service with the urn at the front of the room.  Then the ashes are flown back to the wife to have her service and scattering of the ashes.

I realise this might be completely impractical, and may not meet either woman's preference, but it was the best idea I had!

Ultimately, it is up to the wife and the grandmother will just have to live with the decision she makes.
 

It is a nice idea.  However, in this case, I think the chances are pretty high that Grandmother would either 1) scatter the ashes because she wanted to or 2) send back something other than the remains because she didn't want them scattered at all.  When you have the attitude that you are going to do what you are going to do and not apologize for appalling behavior, you get a reputation for not being trustworthy.

still in va

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I apologise that I haven't read all of the responses as this may have already been suggested.  I only have a couple of minutes and I knew if I didn't get it down now I'd forget by the time I read everything!

Is it possible for the cremains to be flown down to where your grandmother is for a memorial service ONLY?  As in, the ashes don't get scattered, it's just a service with the urn at the front of the room.  Then the ashes are flown back to the wife to have her service and scattering of the ashes.

I realise this might be completely impractical, and may not meet either woman's preference, but it was the best idea I had!

Ultimately, it is up to the wife and the grandmother will just have to live with the decision she makes.
 

It is a nice idea.  However, in this case, I think the chances are pretty high that Grandmother would either 1) scatter the ashes because she wanted to or 2) send back something other than the remains because she didn't want them scattered at all.  When you have the attitude that you are going to do what you are going to do and not apologize for appalling behavior, you get a reputation for not being trustworthy.

this was my feeling as well.  once Grandma gets her mitts on Son's cremains, she's going to do whatever she wants with them.  Son lived, with his family, up North.  that's where he belongs, where he wanted to be, and where his wife and daughter want him.  Grandma will just have to deal. 

gramma dishes

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It is a nice idea.  However, in this case, I think the chances are pretty high that Grandmother would either 1) scatter the ashes because she wanted to or 2) send back something other than the remains because she didn't want them scattered at all.  When you have the attitude that you are going to do what you are going to do and not apologize for appalling behavior, you get a reputation for not being trustworthy.

this was my feeling as well.  Once Grandma gets her mitts on Son's cremains, she's going to do whatever she wants with them.  Son lived, with his family, up North.  that's where he belongs, where he wanted to be, and where his wife and daughter want him.  Grandma will just have to deal.

I think so too.  I wouldn't trust Grandma with those ashes for one second.  I'm quite confident SIL would never get them back.

sourwolf

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I've been trying to find a way to express this...

I, and many others, for all sorts of reasons, find the idea of dividing up the ashes to be so abhorrent its hard to even come up with a polite way to say "please stop suggesting that folks".  Its been suggested.  The OP gets the idea, there is no need for people to keep suggesting it.

Personally I find your suggestion that the grandmother be sent fake ashes abhorrent but I don't think that means I'm allowed to tell you how to post.  I notice you didn't take issue with the continued repetition of this suggestion? Anyway I was under the impression that the only people who could tell others not to post things were the mods?

Not to mention that human ashes and wood ashes look and feel nothing alike.
« Last Edit: October 02, 2012, 10:23:07 PM by sourwolf »

TheBardess

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I've been trying to find a way to express this...

I, and many others, for all sorts of reasons, find the idea of dividing up the ashes to be so abhorrent its hard to even come up with a polite way to say "please stop suggesting that folks".  Its been suggested.  The OP gets the idea, there is no need for people to keep suggesting it.

That's...well, frankly, that's rich coming from someone who suggested sending the grieving mother an urn full of someone's old fireplace ashes.

I'm not big on the idea of dividing the cremains, but frankly, I find the idea of sending a grieving relative- no matter how toxic or difficult to deal with- fake cremains to be far more abhorrent, and I'm rather disturbed at how enthusiastically that suggestion has been received here. And yes, even if the suggestion was made in jest (which is not how I read it), I still find it incredibly crass and tasteless.
"Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies DO divert me, I own- and I laugh at them whenever I can." -Jane Austen

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Jovismom

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I think a good compromise would be for your mom to help your grandmother plan some way to honor her son's memory.  Perhaps arranging for special flower arrangements for their church one sunday along with an announcement in the program.  Perhaps a full memorial. 

Cremains are different than when you're dealing with a body.  My father was cremated and we had a memorial service up in Maine, at the church my parents attended during the summer.  When the summer was over, there was another memorial at their home church in Savannah so that all of his friends there would be able to attend.  It wasn't a "big thing", it was more getting together and sharing stories with some well chosen words by their minister.

ETA:  I forgot to say that my father's cremains were not in attendance at either memorial service.  They were home in my mother's room....and they still are.
« Last Edit: October 02, 2012, 10:28:08 PM by Jovismom »

still in va

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oh fer Pete's sake people, the suggestion of sending Grandma ashes from someone's fireplace was a joke.  that's how it was meant, and that's how it was taken by the only person who counts, which would be the Queen.  the Queen even replied that it had been considered. 

it's called Gallow's humor.  if the Queen, wasn't offended, and the cremains in question are her uncle, and the person being difficult is her grandmother, i can't see why anyone else here would be offended.  it's certainly not worthy of snarky comments about other E-Hellions. 

but apparently i don't "see" much.

sourwolf

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oh fer Pete's sake people, the suggestion of sending Grandma ashes from someone's fireplace was a joke.  that's how it was meant, and that's how it was taken by the only person who counts, which would be the Queen.  the Queen even replied that it had been considered. 

it's called Gallow's humor.  if the Queen, wasn't offended, and the cremains in question are her uncle, and the person being difficult is her grandmother, i can't see why anyone else here would be offended.  it's certainly not worthy of snarky comments about other E-Hellions. 

but apparently i don't "see" much.

You must not have seen these posts where the posters specifically stated they were not kidding.


I love this. You might have said it tongue-in-cheek (and I did laugh when I read it) but it's the perfect solution!

Having read the whole thread, the fireplace ash in the urn idea sounds like the one to run with.  OP, do you have a relationship with DIL that you two could set it up on the QT?

« Last Edit: October 02, 2012, 10:43:38 PM by sourwolf »

still in va

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oh fer Pete's sake people, the suggestion of sending Grandma ashes from someone's fireplace was a joke.  that's how it was meant, and that's how it was taken by the only person who counts, which would be the Queen.  the Queen even replied that it had been considered. 

it's called Gallow's humor.  if the Queen, wasn't offended, and the cremains in question are her uncle, and the person being difficult is her grandmother, i can't see why anyone else here would be offended.  it's certainly not worthy of snarky comments about other E-Hellions. 

but apparently i don't "see" much.

You must have missed these posts where the posters specifically stated they were not kidding.


I love this. You might have said it tongue-in-cheek (and I did laugh when I read it) but it's the perfect solution!

Having read the whole thread, the fireplace ash in the urn idea sounds like the one to run with.  OP, do you have a relationship with DIL that you two could set it up on the QT?

you can read it however you want to, but i read it as continuing the joke. 

but the fact remains that i don't understand what has offended you so much about this when the Queen wasn't olffended.  the Queen is a very capable communicator here.  if that offended her, she could, and would, have shut that down forthwith. 

thedudeabides

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oh fer Pete's sake people, the suggestion of sending Grandma ashes from someone's fireplace was a joke.  that's how it was meant, and that's how it was taken by the only person who counts, which would be the Queen.  the Queen even replied that it had been considered. 

it's called Gallow's humor.  if the Queen, wasn't offended, and the cremains in question are her uncle, and the person being difficult is her grandmother, i can't see why anyone else here would be offended.  it's certainly not worthy of snarky comments about other E-Hellions. 

but apparently i don't "see" much.

You must have missed these posts where the posters specifically stated they were not kidding.


I love this. You might have said it tongue-in-cheek (and I did laugh when I read it) but it's the perfect solution!

Having read the whole thread, the fireplace ash in the urn idea sounds like the one to run with.  OP, do you have a relationship with DIL that you two could set it up on the QT?

you can read it however you want to, but i read it as continuing the joke. 

but the fact remains that i don't understand what has offended you so much about this when the Queen wasn't olffended.  the Queen is a very capable communicator here.  if that offended her, she could, and would, have shut that down forthwith.

Wait, so now no one is allowed to be offended by something unless they're the original poster in a thread?  An offensive suggestion can be offensive to people who read it, just by virtue of being offensive.