I fibbed to my FIL. How do I tell him the truth? (childbirth choices)*updated

[Take2]

If I were you, I would not tell him. You told him a fib to save your sanity, might as well keep saving it. You are statistically very likely to have this baby in the middle of the night since you are letting labor begin naturally. So he's really not very likely to wander in while you are in labor. After the birth, I would probably tell him. Say "I have something to tell you. Baby was born here at home. I felt bad misleading you, but didn't want to stress you out. And as you can see, Baby is fine and everything worked out. Would you like to hold Baby?"

[AustenFan]

It's your husband's father?  Then let your husband deal with him.  You don't need the added stress of dealing with someone who is going to accuse you of trying to kill your own child when you've made an informed medical decision.  If that means that your husband needs to have strong words with him, he needs to have strong words.

I agree wholeheartedly. Also, polish up your spine. The judgements only get worse from here.

[kareng57]

I would say, don't say anything.  If he happens to show up while in labour, then that's what happens.  Lots of women have babies at home, not because they planned it, but because the baby came too quickly for them to get to the hospital (happened to someone I perosnally know).

But if you care as much for him as you say, perhaps you and your husband can sit down with him and discuss how his judgemental coments made you feel?

i'm not sure how our OP would pass off "i just went into labor and didn't have time to get to the hospital" when there is a professional mid-wife in attendance.  her FIL is old, not stupid.  and i'd prefer to not have a 70-year-old man just possibly show up during a home birth, especially knowing that he's nervous about such things.

The person that I know had her midwife with her.  They judged that she didn't have time to safely get to the hospital (she got as far as the car when her contractions ramped up).  It wasn't a planned homebirth.  She was thrilled that she had a homebirth, though.  Midwives usually come to your house and tell you how far along you are and if you should go to the hospital (mine did).

But if she's really concerned, then I do think it's more a matter of having a conversation about the harsh "you're going to kill your baby" judginess, because that is where the lie spawned from.

perhaps we're talking past each other here, but i am saying that from my viewpoint, coming from my age which is closer to FIL's age than the OP's, he will probably be suspicious that there supposedly wasn't time to get to the hospital, but there was time for the mid-wife to come to the house. 

i get that she's concerned by his judgmental opinion of birthing centers and home births.  perhaps he has good reason to be concerned which the OP doesn't know about.  but lying to someone you love is never a good option.  they do tend to find out, and they do tend to not trust what you say for a while.

Agree - I think it's absurd to figure that the OP would be able to set up a ficticious scenario in which there was not time to get to the hospital/birth centre.

And I also agree that it's her husband who should be dealing with FIL about this.  While of course he's not a decision-maker - at the same time, as a loving father/grandfather it's not as though his feelings do not matter at all.  He might well be familiar with instances 50 or 60 years ago where home-births did not go well (although if it was a very rural area it's quite possible that that no hospital/clinic was close enough to have made any difference anyway).  Perhaps he simply needs assurance that things are different these days - midwives are certified professionals and have resources to transfer patients to hospital, quickly, if the need arises.

[gramma dishes]

I think you should tell him.

I think you start out, as suggested by MorgnsGrl, by telling him how much you love him, how much he means to you and how you really do think of him as your own father.

Then I would tell him the things about having your first baby in the hospital that made you so uncomfortable that you didn't want to repeat that.  Tell him you really had considered a birthing center when you told him that, but that after further consideration you and your husband have decided on a home birth with the delivery being done by a midwife.  Reassure him (repeatedly if necessary) that if there is even the tiniest problem, she will transfer you to either the birthing center or the hospital immediately where you and baby will have the best, most modernized care money can buy. 

He still may be terribly uncomfortable with it, but if he continues to protest, just say "We've made up our minds about this.  We think it's better for me, the new baby and our family to do it the way we plan.  We thought about it a long time and considered all the different angles.  This wasn't a decision we made lightly.  Please try to accept that this is what [husband] and I really want and what we think is safest and most natural for our family."

Then don't discuss it further.  Once baby is here safely, he'll be fine.  Resist saying "We told you so!"

[still in va]

If I were you, I would not tell him. You told him a fib to save your sanity, might as well keep saving it. You are statistically very likely to have this baby in the middle of the night since you are letting labor begin naturally. So he's really not very likely to wander in while you are in labor. After the birth, I would probably tell him. Say "I have something to tell you. Baby was born here at home. I felt bad misleading you, but didn't want to stress you out. And as you can see, Baby is fine and everything worked out. Would you like to hold Baby?"

i must be a statistical anomaly.  both of my children were born in the morning, one at 8:15 and one at 10:10.  both were natural labors with no medical intervention to bring on labor.  i don't think one can say that a baby will be born in the middle of the night when no medical intervention has been brought to bear.  we can definitely HOPE that our OP will begin labor and deliver her child as she wishes, at home, in the middle of the night.  but since Grandpa is supposed to take care of the toddler during labor, won't Grandpa have to be called when it's apparent that this is REAL labor and not Braxton-Hicks contractions?  her husband is going to be busy helping her to deliver.  someone has to keep track of the 2 year old, and that sounds like it's Grandpa.

[thedudeabides]

If I were you, I would not tell him. You told him a fib to save your sanity, might as well keep saving it. You are statistically very likely to have this baby in the middle of the night since you are letting labor begin naturally. So he's really not very likely to wander in while you are in labor. After the birth, I would probably tell him. Say "I have something to tell you. Baby was born here at home. I felt bad misleading you, but didn't want to stress you out. And as you can see, Baby is fine and everything worked out. Would you like to hold Baby?"

i must be a statistical anomaly.  both of my children were born in the morning, one at 8:15 and one at 10:10.  both were natural labors with no medical intervention to bring on labor.  i don't think one can say that a baby will be born in the middle of the night when no medical intervention has been brought to bear.  we can definitely HOPE that our OP will begin labor and deliver her child as she wishes, at home, in the middle of the night.  but since Grandpa is supposed to take care of the toddler during labor, won't Grandpa have to be called when it's apparent that this is REAL labor and not Braxton-Hicks contractions?  her husband is going to be busy helping her to deliver.  someone has to keep track of the 2 year old, and that sounds like it's Grandpa.

Take2 didn't say the baby WILL be born in the middle of the night, simply that it's statistically more likely.  That doesn't make you a statistical anomaly; it just means you were part of the set of women who didn't give birth in the middle of the night.  That's how statistics work.

[still in va]

If I were you, I would not tell him. You told him a fib to save your sanity, might as well keep saving it. You are statistically very likely to have this baby in the middle of the night since you are letting labor begin naturally. So he's really not very likely to wander in while you are in labor. After the birth, I would probably tell him. Say "I have something to tell you. Baby was born here at home. I felt bad misleading you, but didn't want to stress you out. And as you can see, Baby is fine and everything worked out. Would you like to hold Baby?"

i must be a statistical anomaly.  both of my children were born in the morning, one at 8:15 and one at 10:10.  both were natural labors with no medical intervention to bring on labor.  i don't think one can say that a baby will be born in the middle of the night when no medical intervention has been brought to bear.  we can definitely HOPE that our OP will begin labor and deliver her child as she wishes, at home, in the middle of the night.  but since Grandpa is supposed to take care of the toddler during labor, won't Grandpa have to be called when it's apparent that this is REAL labor and not Braxton-Hicks contractions?  her husband is going to be busy helping her to deliver.  someone has to keep track of the 2 year old, and that sounds like it's Grandpa.

Take2 didn't say the baby WILL be born in the middle of the night, simply that it's statistically more likely.  That doesn't make you a statistical anomaly; it just means you were part of the set of women who didn't give birth in the middle of the night.  That's how statistics work.

great, so i was a part of the graphed curve that was on the skinny part.  the fact remains, however, that Grandpa is the designated child minder for the toddler during labor and delivery.  he HAS to be there to either watch the child or take the child to his house. 

so it's not possible to pull the whole "Oops, went into labor unexpectedly" thing.

[thedudeabides]

If I were you, I would not tell him. You told him a fib to save your sanity, might as well keep saving it. You are statistically very likely to have this baby in the middle of the night since you are letting labor begin naturally. So he's really not very likely to wander in while you are in labor. After the birth, I would probably tell him. Say "I have something to tell you. Baby was born here at home. I felt bad misleading you, but didn't want to stress you out. And as you can see, Baby is fine and everything worked out. Would you like to hold Baby?"

i must be a statistical anomaly.  both of my children were born in the morning, one at 8:15 and one at 10:10.  both were natural labors with no medical intervention to bring on labor.  i don't think one can say that a baby will be born in the middle of the night when no medical intervention has been brought to bear.  we can definitely HOPE that our OP will begin labor and deliver her child as she wishes, at home, in the middle of the night.  but since Grandpa is supposed to take care of the toddler during labor, won't Grandpa have to be called when it's apparent that this is REAL labor and not Braxton-Hicks contractions?  her husband is going to be busy helping her to deliver.  someone has to keep track of the 2 year old, and that sounds like it's Grandpa.

Take2 didn't say the baby WILL be born in the middle of the night, simply that it's statistically more likely.  That doesn't make you a statistical anomaly; it just means you were part of the set of women who didn't give birth in the middle of the night.  That's how statistics work.

great, so i was a part of the graphed curve that was on the skinny part.  the fact remains, however, that Grandpa is the designated child minder for the toddler during labor and delivery.  he HAS to be there to either watch the child or take the child to his house. 

so it's not possible to pull the whole "Oops, went into labor unexpectedly" thing.

Absolutely.  Doesn't make Take2's point that the OP is more likely to go into labor in the middle of the night any less valid, however, which seemed to be what you were taking very personal exception to, although I'm not sure why.  Every statistic has its flip side; that's just how the world works.

I wish the OP the best.

[Jones]

How about OP and DH drop DD off at FIL's house, zoom off in the car, head home, have the baby and tell him about it after?

Normally I don't condone lying, but there's no point to telling the truth when OP knows she'll be unnecessarily stressed out by FIL's unsolicited opinion. Will his opinion help? No? Well, is there a possibility he'll keep it to himself? Doubtful? How about if DH has a conversation with him and says "DO NOT use this list of words"? Well, only OP is close enough to the situation to know if FIL could behave himself with directions from DH. However, if that's a No as well, then a lie followed by a "We didn't want to worry you" is probably the only viable option, and he forced OP's hand on it.

[Sharnita]

Honestly, I am not sure it would be easy to maintain all that pretense - does that mean that after the baby is born OP, baby and dad load up in the car and pretend to be "coming home" so they can pick up the sibling? What if FIL wants to visit before they "come home"? They will have to hide pictures that would be identifiable as being taken at home. The stress of all of that seems far greater than the stress of confronting him with the truth.

[kareng57]

If I were you, I would not tell him. You told him a fib to save your sanity, might as well keep saving it. You are statistically very likely to have this baby in the middle of the night since you are letting labor begin naturally. So he's really not very likely to wander in while you are in labor. After the birth, I would probably tell him. Say "I have something to tell you. Baby was born here at home. I felt bad misleading you, but didn't want to stress you out. And as you can see, Baby is fine and everything worked out. Would you like to hold Baby?"

i must be a statistical anomaly.  both of my children were born in the morning, one at 8:15 and one at 10:10.  both were natural labors with no medical intervention to bring on labor.  i don't think one can say that a baby will be born in the middle of the night when no medical intervention has been brought to bear.  we can definitely HOPE that our OP will begin labor and deliver her child as she wishes, at home, in the middle of the night.  but since Grandpa is supposed to take care of the toddler during labor, won't Grandpa have to be called when it's apparent that this is REAL labor and not Braxton-Hicks contractions?  her husband is going to be busy helping her to deliver.  someone has to keep track of the 2 year old, and that sounds like it's Grandpa.

Take2 didn't say the baby WILL be born in the middle of the night, simply that it's statistically more likely.  That doesn't make you a statistical anomaly; it just means you were part of the set of women who didn't give birth in the middle of the night.  That's how statistics work.

great, so i was a part of the graphed curve that was on the skinny part.  the fact remains, however, that Grandpa is the designated child minder for the toddler during labor and delivery.  he HAS to be there to either watch the child or take the child to his house. 

so it's not possible to pull the whole "Oops, went into labor unexpectedly" thing.

Absolutely.  Doesn't make Take2's point that the OP is more likely to go into labor in the middle of the night any less valid, however, which seemed to be what you were taking very personal exception to, although I'm not sure why.  Every statistic has its flip side; that's just how the world works.

I wish the OP the best.

"More likely" is not at all the same as "very likely".  No one can use these stats in order to plan ahead of time for childcare, so I really don't see the relevance here.

[Ceallach]

I personally wouldn't let a statistical likelihood reassure me, but then again, I tend to believe in Murphy's Law!

Since DH and I moved house, I opted out of the VERY awesome hospital we were booked into (best in the state, people lie all the time to try to get in there from out of zone etc - I would have been allowed to stay though because I was already a patient for this pregnancy).    However, in peak hour traffic it could be a 60-90min drive from our new house due to heavy traffic.    Statistically, the chances of me needing to get there in peak hour are slim - it's much more likely it would be a middle of the night or late night run, or on the weekend when it's quiet.   But in reality?  Well, it's not a risk I'd want to take, because I know I'd be sitting in that car cursing.  The misery I'd be in if I *happened* to need to travel there in peak hour would just make it not worth it at all.   So yeah... not making my childbirth plans based on statistics!   

So if I were the OP I wouldn't try to "get away" with it.   I'd just be honest about what decision has been made, and refuse to engage in debate on the topic. 

[still in va]

If I were you, I would not tell him. You told him a fib to save your sanity, might as well keep saving it. You are statistically very likely to have this baby in the middle of the night since you are letting labor begin naturally. So he's really not very likely to wander in while you are in labor. After the birth, I would probably tell him. Say "I have something to tell you. Baby was born here at home. I felt bad misleading you, but didn't want to stress you out. And as you can see, Baby is fine and everything worked out. Would you like to hold Baby?"

i must be a statistical anomaly.  both of my children were born in the morning, one at 8:15 and one at 10:10.  both were natural labors with no medical intervention to bring on labor.  i don't think one can say that a baby will be born in the middle of the night when no medical intervention has been brought to bear.  we can definitely HOPE that our OP will begin labor and deliver her child as she wishes, at home, in the middle of the night.  but since Grandpa is supposed to take care of the toddler during labor, won't Grandpa have to be called when it's apparent that this is REAL labor and not Braxton-Hicks contractions?  her husband is going to be busy helping her to deliver.  someone has to keep track of the 2 year old, and that sounds like it's Grandpa.

Take2 didn't say the baby WILL be born in the middle of the night, simply that it's statistically more likely.  That doesn't make you a statistical anomaly; it just means you were part of the set of women who didn't give birth in the middle of the night.  That's how statistics work.

great, so i was a part of the graphed curve that was on the skinny part.  the fact remains, however, that Grandpa is the designated child minder for the toddler during labor and delivery.  he HAS to be there to either watch the child or take the child to his house. 

so it's not possible to pull the whole "Oops, went into labor unexpectedly" thing.

Absolutely.  Doesn't make Take2's point that the OP is more likely to go into labor in the middle of the night any less valid, however, which seemed to be what you were taking very personal exception to, although I'm not sure why.  Every statistic has its flip side; that's just how the world works.

I wish the OP the best.

i'm not taking this personally at all.  there's a certain satisfaction of being a statistical anomaly.  though when i think of it, most of the women i know might have gone into labor during the night, but they didn't deliver during the night.  or at least not during the same night they went into labor. 

but the practical question remains here.  the OP and her husband are apparently counting on Grandpa to take care of the toddler while the OP delivers.  i'm not sure how they're going to pull that off while keeping to the fib they've told Grandpa.  what if she actually does go into labor in the middle of the night, and Grandpa decides it's best for the toddler for Grandpa to sleep there so the toddler can sleep in his own bed, instead of getting him up to take him to Grandpa's house?  now, suddenly, Grandpa is expecting the OP and her husband to leave, to go to the hospital, and he's smack dab in the middle of a home birth.  which has obviously been planned all along.  i think the OP's husband needs to talk to his father.  now.

i too wish the OP the best. 

[LifeOnPluto]

Honestly, I am not sure it would be easy to maintain all that pretense - does that mean that after the baby is born OP, baby and dad load up in the car and pretend to be "coming home" so they can pick up the sibling? What if FIL wants to visit before they "come home"? They will have to hide pictures that would be identifiable as being taken at home. The stress of all of that seems far greater than the stress of confronting him with the truth.

I agree - what if the OP's FIL is planning on visiting them in the birthing centre?

I think the OP and her DH need to come clean, and the DH needs to be the one to have the conversation with his father.

The DH also needs to tell his dad to back off with the judgemental comments too.

[kareng57]

If I were you, I would not tell him. You told him a fib to save your sanity, might as well keep saving it. You are statistically very likely to have this baby in the middle of the night since you are letting labor begin naturally. So he's really not very likely to wander in while you are in labor. After the birth, I would probably tell him. Say "I have something to tell you. Baby was born here at home. I felt bad misleading you, but didn't want to stress you out. And as you can see, Baby is fine and everything worked out. Would you like to hold Baby?"

i must be a statistical anomaly.  both of my children were born in the morning, one at 8:15 and one at 10:10.  both were natural labors with no medical intervention to bring on labor.  i don't think one can say that a baby will be born in the middle of the night when no medical intervention has been brought to bear.  we can definitely HOPE that our OP will begin labor and deliver her child as she wishes, at home, in the middle of the night.  but since Grandpa is supposed to take care of the toddler during labor, won't Grandpa have to be called when it's apparent that this is REAL labor and not Braxton-Hicks contractions?  her husband is going to be busy helping her to deliver.  someone has to keep track of the 2 year old, and that sounds like it's Grandpa.

Take2 didn't say the baby WILL be born in the middle of the night, simply that it's statistically more likely.  That doesn't make you a statistical anomaly; it just means you were part of the set of women who didn't give birth in the middle of the night.  That's how statistics work.

great, so i was a part of the graphed curve that was on the skinny part.  the fact remains, however, that Grandpa is the designated child minder for the toddler during labor and delivery.  he HAS to be there to either watch the child or take the child to his house. 

so it's not possible to pull the whole "Oops, went into labor unexpectedly" thing.

Absolutely.  Doesn't make Take2's point that the OP is more likely to go into labor in the middle of the night any less valid, however, which seemed to be what you were taking very personal exception to, although I'm not sure why.  Every statistic has its flip side; that's just how the world works.

I wish the OP the best.

i'm not taking this personally at all.  there's a certain satisfaction of being a statistical anomaly.  though when i think of it, most of the women i know might have gone into labor during the night, but they didn't deliver during the night.  or at least not during the same night they went into labor. 

but the practical question remains here.  the OP and her husband are apparently counting on Grandpa to take care of the toddler while the OP delivers.  i'm not sure how they're going to pull that off while keeping to the fib they've told Grandpa.  what if she actually does go into labor in the middle of the night, and Grandpa decides it's best for the toddler for Grandpa to sleep there so the toddler can sleep in his own bed, instead of getting him up to take him to Grandpa's house?  now, suddenly, Grandpa is expecting the OP and her husband to leave, to go to the hospital, and he's smack dab in the middle of a home birth.  which has obviously been planned all along.  i think the OP's husband needs to talk to his father.  now.

i too wish the OP the best.

For sure - there has to be a lot more planning when it's a second or subsequent birth simply due to the fact that someone has to care for the other child(ren) - unless they have an arrangement such as a live-in nanny who is available 24/7.  And while parents might be able to delay announcement until the birth itself for the first child - it probably won't work for subsequent kids.

For DS #2, I thought it was way too early for Dh to call his mother - I was sure that we'd have at least half a day left.  But he was adamant (we had friends who'd had an unplanned home birth for their own second child about six months earlier) and after Grandma arrived said "okay, I'm going to the hospital now, if you want to go you had better come with me".  It was hard to argue.  And I was already 6 cm dilated by the time we got there, and DS arrived about two hours later.

Overall, it's ludicrous for anyone to plan on the statistics that any percentage of babies arrive at any particular hours.  They arrive when they arrive.