I fibbed to my FIL. How do I tell him the truth? (childbirth choices)*updated

[VltGrantham]

I lied to everyone, excluding my Mother and DH, about when our child was due.  I also pointedly ignored or outright lied about other things regarding her birth when asked.  Number one, I didn't feel like it was anyone's business but ours.  Number two, I wanted DH's family off the scent about when the baby was due because unlike everyone else, I did NOT want visitors in the hospital.  I was prepared and willing to welcome everyone at home, but I wanted people OUT of the hospital for various reasons.  In the end it was very helpful because my labor turned life-threatening for both of us, and DH was entirely focused on us, not having to explain to others. 

Was his family mad?  Yes.  Did I explain myself?  No.  Did we offer excuses or apologies?  No.

I don't see any reason to come clean whatsoever.  You do not owe anyone an explanation.

[Outdoor Girl]

OP, correct me if I'm wrong:

1.  When you told FIL you would be having the baby at a birthing centre, it was the truth.
2.  You have since changed your mind and are planning a home birth.
3.  You do not need FIL to babysit your older child because s/he is going to be mostly present and there will be a doula there to help look after him/her.
4.  FIL does know your due date but there is no guarantee you will actually deliver anywhere near that date.

My advice?  Don't bother saying anything at all.  Don't call him when labour starts; there is no reason to do so, since he isn't needed for child care.  Have your baby at home with your DH, midwives and older child.  Once everyone is cleaned up and ready for visitors, call your FIL and invite him over to meet his new grandchild.  At that point, you can tell him that you knew he would be uncomfortable with your change in birthing plan and didn't want to stress him or yourselves out and as he can see, everything worked out just fine.

This is basically what a friend of mine did, minus the older child and minus parents within walking distance to visit.  She decided on a home birth and knew her parents would freak so she didn't tell them until after the baby arrived.  Of course, both sets of parents were a 5 hour flight away so it's a bit different.

[alis]

OP, correct me if I'm wrong:

1.  When you told FIL you would be having the baby at a birthing centre, it was the truth.
2.  You have since changed your mind and are planning a home birth.
3.  You do not need FIL to babysit your older child because s/he is going to be mostly present and there will be a doula there to help look after him/her.
4.  FIL does know your due date but there is no guarantee you will actually deliver anywhere near that date.

Correct. It was not a lie at first - it then became a lie of omission when we changed our minds (ironically because we live down the street from the hospital and felt it would be a safer option than the birth centre 30 minutes away).

May I ask how your friend's family reacted to the news?

[Outdoor Girl]

They were a little upset at first but when they realized that everything went well and mom and baby were healthy and happy, they calmed down right away.  And immediately made plans to fly down and visit.

[ClaireC79]

Have to say most of my family thought I was a little nuts for planning a homebirth with my second, once you have had a successful homebirth those arguments do tend to stop (and they just assume the next one will be born at home as well), never really had too many 'you are putting the baby in danger comments* as even if you have the baby in a hospital you are cared for by midwives so they are well respected.

* when I was having my youngest I did get some comments - from my colleagues - midwives who worked in a high risk labour ward, I was a midwife in the same place and that was WHY I wasn't going anywhere near the place unless there was a clinical reason

[still in va]

OP, correct me if I'm wrong:

1.  When you told FIL you would be having the baby at a birthing centre, it was the truth.
2.  You have since changed your mind and are planning a home birth.
3.  You do not need FIL to babysit your older child because s/he is going to be mostly present and there will be a doula there to help look after him/her.
4.  FIL does know your due date but there is no guarantee you will actually deliver anywhere near that date.

My advice?  Don't bother saying anything at all.  Don't call him when labour starts; there is no reason to do so, since he isn't needed for child care.  Have your baby at home with your DH, midwives and older child.  Once everyone is cleaned up and ready for visitors, call your FIL and invite him over to meet his new grandchild.  At that point, you can tell him that you knew he would be uncomfortable with your change in birthing plan and didn't want to stress him or yourselves out and as he can see, everything worked out just fine.

This is basically what a friend of mine did, minus the older child and minus parents within walking distance to visit.  She decided on a home birth and knew her parents would freak so she didn't tell them until after the baby arrived.  Of course, both sets of parents were a 5 hour flight away so it's a bit different.

ah yes, the bolded changes my advice completely.  when i went to bed last night, i was under the impression that FIL would be caring for your toddler during the baby's birth. 

your FIL doesn't need to know that you've changed your plans, especially since it sounds as if knowing you are giving birth at home will cause him a lot of worry.

i'll keep my fingers crossed that he doesn't just happen to wander by the house during the process!

[girlysprite]

Kind of off-topic, but reading this topic makes me happy that homebirthing is considered normal where I live - about 30% of the pregnant women do it here. So no one is giving any issues about it.

[BeagleMommy]

Alis, your FIL sounds very similar to my late FIL.  We are also a Catholic family (though not French Canadian) and FIL was in his late 70s when DS was born.

I was a high risk pregnancy due to being diabetic my entire life.  FIL at first could not understand why I was even having a baby because "diabetics have issues".  He had assumed DH and I would be child free.  When DH mentioned we were going to birthing classes he was completely nonplussed.  "Men don't do that" or "Men don't belong there" was what we heard on a regular basis.

DH handled his father.  We didn't justify anything or make excuses.  I believe the phrase DH used was "Things have changed since you became a father, Dad.  This is the choice we made."

Have your DH handle his father.  Don't justify.  The best thing you can probably say is "FIL, I know you're worried about this, but this is the choice we made.  It is not open for discussion."

[turnip]

I think you should tell him the truth.

- You love this man
- he has been a father to you
- He is closely involved with your family - he watches your son for you

I think at a certain point the lie is disrespectful and hurtful to a man who you are close to.   I understand that he will disagree with what you are doing, but an good relationship should allow for disagreements.  If he really goes too far then you can deal with his fears then.

[Giggity]

The truth is, I have a home birth planned with a professional midwife. I did not tell him this because I knew the birthing centre was crazy enough, let alone a home birth.

As far as I know, there's nothing crazy, weird, or untoward about birthing centers.

[Jaelle]

The truth is, I have a home birth planned with a professional midwife. I did not tell him this because I knew the birthing centre was crazy enough, let alone a home birth.

As far as I know, there's nothing crazy, weird, or untoward about birthing centers.

True, but FIL thinks there is.   

[hobish]

The truth is, I have a home birth planned with a professional midwife. I did not tell him this because I knew the birthing centre was crazy enough, let alone a home birth.

As far as I know, there's nothing crazy, weird, or untoward about birthing centers.

True, but FIL thinks there is.   

I am pretty sure that is what the OP meant.

Correct. It was not a lie at first - it then became a lie of omission when we changed our minds (ironically because we live down the street from the hospital and felt it would be a safer option than the birth centre 30 minutes away).

May I ask how your friend's family reacted to the news?

I think whenever whoever (got that?) talks to FIL that is important to include. You did not lie to him when you told him that; but you have changed your minds since then. Maybe i look at nuances a little too much, but to me that is different than lying outright, KWIM?

Best of luck; i hope it works out.

[Ceallach]

With the update I also don't think you lied.  At all.   You just didn't bother giving him the latest update on a topic that is none of his business.   So what if you and your DH changed your minds?    You don't owe him an explanation.     It's not a lie of omission when it's not information that he's entitled to in the first place - he just has out of date information.    Should you choose to update him now that's up to you, but he would have no right being annoyed in any way, you were under no obligation to update him any sooner.    As an analogy, what if I decided to be child-free, told people that, and then a few years later changed my mind and decided to start a family - would it be lying if I didn't go "update" everybody as to the new plan?  Nope.   Because things change, and when it's a personal decision that doesn't impact upon anybody else, then they are not entitled to the update unless you choose to share it.  So please don't feel guilty!      

[mj]

I don't think you lied either.  So what I see is that you have two choices.  Have DH update his father on the plans (I would recommend you stay out of it to reduce stress on you, this is the last thing you need right now.)  Or, go ahead with your plans and then notify FIL of the happy arrival.  At that point, DH can say tell FIL (if he even asks, he might just be too wrapped up with new baby!) that the plan changed.  FIL and his girlfriend really have no right and/or say, so if they are upset, I think DH needs to deal with it.  You did not lie.  The plan just changed.

[kareng57]

OP, correct me if I'm wrong:

1.  When you told FIL you would be having the baby at a birthing centre, it was the truth.
2.  You have since changed your mind and are planning a home birth.
3.  You do not need FIL to babysit your older child because s/he is going to be mostly present and there will be a doula there to help look after him/her.
4.  FIL does know your due date but there is no guarantee you will actually deliver anywhere near that date.

My advice?  Don't bother saying anything at all.  Don't call him when labour starts; there is no reason to do so, since he isn't needed for child care.  Have your baby at home with your DH, midwives and older child.  Once everyone is cleaned up and ready for visitors, call your FIL and invite him over to meet his new grandchild.  At that point, you can tell him that you knew he would be uncomfortable with your change in birthing plan and didn't want to stress him or yourselves out and as he can see, everything worked out just fine.

This is basically what a friend of mine did, minus the older child and minus parents within walking distance to visit.  She decided on a home birth and knew her parents would freak so she didn't tell them until after the baby arrived.  Of course, both sets of parents were a 5 hour flight away so it's a bit different.

ah yes, the bolded changes my advice completely.  when i went to bed last night, i was under the impression that FIL would be caring for your toddler during the baby's birth. 

your FIL doesn't need to know that you've changed your plans, especially since it sounds as if knowing you are giving birth at home will cause him a lot of worry.

i'll keep my fingers crossed that he doesn't just happen to wander by the house during the process!

I too had been under the impression that FIL would be the caregiver to OP's older child during the labour/birth - since that's not the case then I don't think that there's anything wrong with notifying him after the birth, not beforehand.

However, I think that some posters are unjustifiably villifying him here.  Obviously he cares very deeply about his children and grandchildren and has serious concerns about home births being very unsafe.  Only the OP and her husband can decide whether or not it's worth making a group-appointment with the midwife in order to alleviate his concerns.