I fibbed to my FIL. How do I tell him the truth? (childbirth choices)*updated

[Margo]

It's your husband's father?  Then let your husband deal with him.  You don't need the added stress of dealing with someone who is going to accuse you of trying to kill your own child when you've made an informed medical decision.  If that means that your husband needs to have strong words with him, he needs to have strong words.

I agree with this. I think you and your husband need to talk about this, then he needs to speak directly to his Dad, and make it clear that his Dad's critisisms of the choices You (Your husband and you as a couple) are not appropraite and that he needs to stop making those comments.

Your husband canf course also reassure his dad that home births are a lot safer than he might think,and that as your doctor and midwife are hapy eith this their, and your views ar e the ones which count, but I do think that the real issue is not about whetehr you tell him or not, it's abut his voicing such critisisms in such a very inappropriate way.

[SpottedPony]

I agree with the others, you didn't lie, you just changed your mind.  I believe it was said that the hospital wasn't that far away, and you wouldn't necessarily be going there as soon as you were sure you were in labor anyway.  So tell him that you will have a medical professional, a midwife, with you while you are in labor, and that when she recommends that you go to the hospital, you will.  No need to mention that with all going well, that recommendation is unlikely to be made. 

You might also point out the problems you had when you were in the hospital having your other child.  And that you feel because of that, the risk for harm is higher if you were to go to the hospital rather than staying home.

Spotted Pony

[Daffydilly]

Why do you need to discuss your medical procedure with him? It's not a social event, it's your personal experience.

[Petticoats]

He believes it is wrong to hold babies or breastfeed him

If this is his level of knowledge about child care, I don't think I'd even want him to babysit. Medically he's totally unsound.

[White Lotus]

DH to DGP, on phone.  Enthusiasm and excitement can overshadow content or lack thereof.

"Papa?  Come over!  The baby's here!  No, we are home; we never went to the hospital because the midwives never said to go and it seemed to go so fast once it really started -- Papa, we have a BABY.  Come see!"  (Engage in F/S male bonding until the baby and Alis are ready for a brief visit. DGP can now help out with housework and subsequent Toddler care to his heart's content and everyone's benefit.)

"Papa?  Great you called.  Alis is in labor.  No, don't come over.  There is a nurse taking care of Toddler, and there are just so many people (women) with the midwives and all,  I don't know how we'd talk.  The phone is better.  Oh, yeah, that is how they do it now.  There is no room at all in the house (for us men) -- let me call you in a bit when I know more.  I am not sure where we will be or what I will need.  The midwives are here, and we leave when they say to and, Papa, this is just so cool!  Gotta go, nothing's wrong, by Alis is calling for me.  Call you back as soon as I have news. Or if I just need to talk.  Papa, please stay right there so I can call you when I need you -- and I will (because this is all woman stuff and I am kind of on the sidelines) so please be right there for me. I will keep you  posted.  Bye!"

The optional, or perhaps implied, "women stuff" language, admittedly sexist, is included because it might help DGP relate to the births of his own children, when he was likely completely excluded from the process.  Pointing out that DH doesn't know where they will be (true) and he wants his father to stay right there where DH can reach him, to support DH (man stuff) may make DGP feel more comfortable and also keep him out of the way by giving him an important job -- supporting DH -- until the first one becomes the truth. DH will likely be grateful, and want to step out periodically to talk to his father.  It can get a little, uh, female in there.  I think DGP just loves the heck out of OP and DH and FGC and wants to be involved for that reason.  No reason to be unkind just because he is old fashioned and maybe not expressing it in the most graceful way.  Acknowledge the love, and just say things have changed.

[Mikayla]

<quote tree>

However, I think that some posters are unjustifiably villifying him here.  Obviously he cares very deeply about his children and grandchildren and has serious concerns about home births being very unsafe.  Only the OP and her husband can decide whether or not it's worth making a group-appointment with the midwife in order to alleviate his concerns.

I only saw one comment attacking him for his beliefs, and I agree that's not appropriate.  But the majority (including me) have an issue with him taking those beliefs and expressing them to a pregnant woman.  This is not ok, even if prompted by worry and love.  And any comments made by his girlfriend are off the chart boundary violations.

I agree with thedudeabides and Leveewoman.  OPs DH should have had a talk with him as soon as this became an issue, expressing recognition of the concern, but that their choice was made after careful consideration and it's just stressing Mom out having to listen to second guessing of it. 

Also, to OP, you didn't lie to him, but I can see where you feel uncomfortable with someone you care about so much being out of the loop on such a major event.  Just remember he means well, but his own actions have made it really difficult for you to be upfront with him.  So it was more reaction than action on your part.

[alis]

Thanks everyone for the input.

In the end, my husband decided he did not wish for FIL to know and I respected that. We did not tell him until after the baby was born (which was actually at the hospital due to a last minute transfer but almost pushed out in the ambulance, haha!). He was actually quite shocked but non-judgmental (at least to my face) about it. They (him and his girlfriend) were shocked when I walked home with the new baby only 3 hours later and got multiple home visits from midwives in the following days, so they were kind of impressed by that.

I can't help but wonder they talk about how crazy we were when we're not around (they do this about others so I can only assume the same for us) but...... hey, good enough right??? 

Thanks!!!

[bloo]

Thanks everyone for the input.

In the end, my husband decided he did not wish for FIL to know and I respected that. We did not tell him until after the baby was born (which was actually at the hospital due to a last minute transfer but almost pushed out in the ambulance, haha!). He was actually quite shocked but non-judgmental (at least to my face) about it. They (him and his girlfriend) were shocked when I walked home with the new baby only 3 hours later and got multiple home visits from midwives in the following days, so they were kind of impressed by that.

I can't help but wonder they talk about how crazy we were when we're not around (they do this about others so I can only assume the same for us) but...... hey, good enough right??? 

Thanks!!!

Sounds like things worked out the way they should as regards family. I'm sorry your plans for the birth didn't go the way you'd have liked but the end result is most important. Congrats on your new little bundle!

[gramma dishes]

Congratulations on your new baby!   

All's well that ends well and it sounds like once it was over, your FIL has 'adjusted' appropriately.  Good for you.  Good for everyone!

Sorry that things didn't go exactly as planned (by you), but even so -- you still got to do it "your" way!

[Cat-Fu]

Congratulations!! I'm glad that everything (mostly) worked out!

[RegionMom]

Congrats on the new baby!

As for FIL, he assumed you would be in the hospital 2-3 days?!  Wow, times really HAVE changed!

My MIL was trained as a nurse in Europe, and she has told me how they used to weigh the breastfed babies before and after a feeding, to be sure they ate enough.  She is mid-70's, so it was a different way then!

I had a birth plan for all three kids.  Not a one followed through.

How is your toddler taking to their new sibling?
 

[Ceallach]

Thanks everyone for the input.

In the end, my husband decided he did not wish for FIL to know and I respected that. We did not tell him until after the baby was born (which was actually at the hospital due to a last minute transfer but almost pushed out in the ambulance, haha!). He was actually quite shocked but non-judgmental (at least to my face) about it. They (him and his girlfriend) were shocked when I walked home with the new baby only 3 hours later and got multiple home visits from midwives in the following days, so they were kind of impressed by that.

I can't help but wonder they talk about how crazy we were when we're not around (they do this about others so I can only assume the same for us) but...... hey, good enough right??? 

Thanks!!!

Congratulations!   Glad it all went well.   And hey, who cares what they say behind your back - you can't please everybody.   You did what was right for you and your family.

So when you say walked, you literally mean walked?   Because I keep joking about walking home from the hospital (I'm 3rd trimester and currently walk there and back for all of my antenatal appointments) and people act horrified or as though it's the most ridiculous suggestion on the planet!   So I'd love to say I know somebody who has done it!       Our hospital sounds really similar to yours actually - discharge within a few hours and then midwife visits from there.

[kareng57]

Thanks everyone for the input.

In the end, my husband decided he did not wish for FIL to know and I respected that. We did not tell him until after the baby was born (which was actually at the hospital due to a last minute transfer but almost pushed out in the ambulance, haha!). He was actually quite shocked but non-judgmental (at least to my face) about it. They (him and his girlfriend) were shocked when I walked home with the new baby only 3 hours later and got multiple home visits from midwives in the following days, so they were kind of impressed by that.

I can't help but wonder they talk about how crazy we were when we're not around (they do this about others so I can only assume the same for us) but...... hey, good enough right??? 

Thanks!!!

Congratulations!   Glad it all went well.   And hey, who cares what they say behind your back - you can't please everybody.   You did what was right for you and your family.

So when you say walked, you literally mean walked?   Because I keep joking about walking home from the hospital (I'm 3rd trimester and currently walk there and back for all of my antenatal appointments) and people act horrified or as though it's the most ridiculous suggestion on the planet!   So I'd love to say I know somebody who has done it!       Our hospital sounds really similar to yours actually - discharge within a few hours and then midwife visits from there.

First of all - congratulations to OP, glad it went reasonably well.

Re "walking" - while I was not discharged on the same day as giving birth, I probably could have been.  I could easily walk around the ward.  Naturally this might not have been possible for someone who had a more complicated delivery, but if given the choice I probably would have prepared the early-discharge followed by daily midwife visits.  Just having a roommate with a large, enthusiastic extended family can be pretty wearying....

[alis]

Thanks everyone!

I'm very happy with what happened, I had a previous incident (1st had shoulder dystocia) which meant no pain relief (epidural) allowed so the whole point of being at home was just to avoid the clinical atmosphere/cope with the pain better (I had no birth plan for sure aside from that!). So, goal achieved!

I admit it is nice to do almost everything at home except the messy cleanup 

Sorry, no we didn't literally walk home, although I could have!

In FIL's day, you stayed 10 days in the hospital. My own grandmother (who is from here too) confirmed the same. Very old school French Catholic with nuns as nurses, to say the least. I would have gone insane.

Midwives are only 1% of births here in Quebec. And of that 1%, only 10% are home births, so naturally people have zero understanding of it here.

[It's good to be Queen]

Just curious, boy or girl?