Appointment with parents; what is reasonable?

[TurtleDove]

Some women are on bed rest or have other issues with complications. I'm glad your pregnancy was so impeccably smooth.

I was on bed rest for two weeks because my baby was small, but I was taken off bedrest two weeks before she was born (because she was not growing any faster while I was on bedrest - I was gaining weight throughout the pregnancy but she stopped gaining significantly at 6 months) and at no time did I have any mobility issues.  I thought the poster was saying she physically couldn't walk, not that she was on bed rest! And being physically unable to walk because of being pregnant sounds miserable!  Anyway, back to topic!

[gramma dishes]

...    With regard to the playpen, a lot of them have a sort of bassinet and/or diaper changing station as part of what is included, and they also frequently have a bottom that can be raised about halfway up while the child is an infant. So while the playpen wouldn't be necessary to contain the child until he/she is mobile, it likely would be very useful as an auxiliary crib/changing table right from day one. My brother and SIL had a playpen when my niece was born, and they set it up in the living room so they wouldn't always have to go upstairs to the main crib/changing table for naps and diapers. It helped them enormously in the first few weeks to have one set-up downstairs and one upstairs, because it meant there was always something close by.   ....

I think the majority of people do this (except here they're usually referred to as Pack N' Plays).  It's basically a convenient "extra" sleeping place and changing table for houses equipped with an upstairs and downstairs and has the advantage of also being instantly foldable and can be taken for visits to Grandma's house or wherever there might not be a crib. 

My daughter's first baby was Caesarian and she was incredibly grateful for her Pack N' Play.  The baby practically lived in it for the first three months.  Even then, with the bottom lowered, it was used as a travel bed until he was over 1-1/2 when Baby Brother needed it.

So I think it's fair to say that it is probably more important  (or at least as important) than a lot of other 'essential' baby equipment to have this item as soon as the little one arrives.

[MrsO]

Some women are on bed rest or have other issues with complications. I'm glad your pregnancy was so impeccably smooth.

I was on bed rest for two weeks because my baby was small, but I was taken off bedrest two weeks before she was born (because she was not growing any faster while I was on bedrest - I was gaining weight throughout the pregnancy but she stopped gaining significantly at 6 months) and at no time did I have any mobility issues.  I thought the poster was saying she physically couldn't walk, not that she was on bed rest! And being physically unable to walk because of being pregnant sounds miserable!  Anyway, back to topic!

I had severe Symphasis Pubis Dysfunction throughout my last pregnancy. I was on crutches from about halfway through, and couldn't walk at all at the end. I believe it's quite a common condition (some women get a mild case, some like me get it more severely).

[Sophia]

I understand his frustration.  For one thing, while they do babysit, she chooses to always work on Saturdays.  Since schedules are done three weeks out, one month notice should be enough to actually get a Saturday off, particularly since she always works them by choice. 

I find it sad that the kid is so badly behaved that he can't be taken shopping.  It colors my view of the SIL.  I also think that the fact that she is a single mom by choice is pertinent.  She should have had a backup babysitter in place before ever having a child in the first place.  It isn't like she had planned to be a SAHM and then the baby daddy abandoned her. 

[bah12]

I understand his frustration.  For one thing, while they do babysit, she chooses to always work on Saturdays.  Since schedules are done three weeks out, one month notice should be enough to actually get a Saturday off, particularly since she always works them by choice. 

I find it sad that the kid is so badly behaved that he can't be taken shopping.  It colors my view of the SIL.  I also think that the fact that she is a single mom by choice is pertinent.  She should have had a backup babysitter in place before ever having a child in the first place.  It isn't like she had planned to be a SAHM and then the baby daddy abandoned her.

Why is the sister obligated to change her work schedule to accommodate her brother?  Only her parents can ask her to do that with some sort of legitimacy and they chose not to.  I'm guessing she chooses to work on Saturdays not because she wants to torture her brother and monopolize her parents, but because as a single mother, she could use the extra money.  While I don't know the nature of her job, my experience with any place that makes revolving work schedules is usually not the same job where you can make $100K a year.

Also, it still doesn't matter that she chose to be single mom.  What kind of backup is she required to come up with separate from a couple?  She has a childcare option that I'm going to go ahead and assume she arranged while she was pregnant or shortly after the baby was born.  I don't have backup babysitters waiting in line as a non-single mother.
And while I get that contingency plans, especially when balancing child care and work obligations, need to be in place, they shouldn't have to be exercised everytime her brother decides that he needs his parents' attention.  I would be annoyed if my parents had agreed to watch my child and then told me "oh sorry...you need to come up with a backup plan because your brother wants a new playpen and he wants us to go shopping for it on Saturday."

I agree that the sister sounds like a regular PITA, but I just don't think that this specific situation qualifies.  The parents came up with a reasonable solution.  Both siblings should be happy.

[TootsNYC]

Why is the sister obligated to change her work schedule to accommodate her brother?  Only her parents can ask her to do that with some sort of legitimacy and they chose not to. 

Whoa--wait!

I didn't think it was a matter of the grandparents NOT asking Sis to change her schedule.

And she wouldn't be accommodating her BROTHER--she would be accommodating her PARENTS, who are the ones who want to spend this time with their son.

[kherbert05]

I think you and your DH need to start distancing yourselves emotionally from his parents. Go back and find the threads were people on this board are dealing with the fact that one sibling is the golden child and their children are the golden grandchildren and the effect that has on the other children and grandchildren. Decide how you are going to deal with the situations were your child is always pushed aside because a spoiled older child might have a fit. (A six yo having public fits that make it impossible for him to accompany 4 adults to a shop needs intense therapy, and the parents need to be required to go to parenting classed. Your SIL sounds like a neglectful parent of the overindulging type - unforgettably society doesn't recognized that as criminal abuse.)

[girlysprite]

When it comes to details of 'how entitles is SIL?' or 'Is she really that bad?' - I could of course give a whole background, but it doesn't really matter for this situation. After all, it isn't so much about SIL's choices but about my DH's parent's choices. I don't think that SIL is their golden child though, as in 'the one that can do no wrong'. But I still think that they like looking after their grandson and feel that they are helping him too. SIL may be entitled, but the parents made this choice for their own reason, not because someone is entitled here I think (though DH's opinion might differ a bit here).
We just have to accept that Saturdays are usually not feasible for social appointments, and we'll have to stick with Sundays.

However, as SIL tends to hang out in her parents house too on Sundays (the parents would never turn their children away) and she/her son cause too much fuss or noise, I do intend to tell them in an etiquette approved manner that the fuss is causing stress for me (and likely - my baby).

[HermioneGranger]

When it comes to details of 'how entitles is SIL?' or 'Is she really that bad?' - I could of course give a whole background, but it doesn't really matter for this situation. After all, it isn't so much about SIL's choices but about my DH's parent's choices. I don't think that SIL is their golden child though, as in 'the one that can do no wrong'. But I still think that they like looking after their grandson and feel that they are helping him too. SIL may be entitled, but the parents made this choice for their own reason, not because someone is entitled here I think (though DH's opinion might differ a bit here).
We just have to accept that Saturdays are usually not feasible for social appointments, and we'll have to stick with Sundays.

However, as SIL tends to hang out in her parents house too on Sundays (the parents would never turn their children away) and she/her son cause too much fuss or noise, I do intend to tell them in an etiquette approved manner that the fuss is causing stress for me (and likely - my baby).

I hope that you're able to do that.  It's only right and fair that your child be able to develop a relationship with his/her grandparents without their aunt and cousin always.being.there.  If your inlaws balk at that, well, at least you'll know where your family stands and you can distance yourself accordingly. 

[GrammarNerd]

However, as SIL tends to hang out in her parents house too on Sundays (the parents would never turn their children away) and she/her son cause too much fuss or noise, I do intend to tell them in an etiquette approved manner that the fuss is causing stress for me (and likely - my baby).

Re: the bolded, that may be the case, but essentially they're turning YOU away by not putting some boundaries on SIL, and they need to realize that.  And like I said in a PP, that's where you'll probably need to be politely blunt that you'd like to enjoy a visit with them, but not SIL/nephew.  You'll just visit another time if SIL/nephew will be there.  And incidentally, when I did that with my MIL, I was also pregnant and going through some more emotional and stressful times.  When I told MIL that, I think I honestly came off as very stressed (because I was) and I think at one point I even teared up because of the stress.  That really drove the point home to her that I wasn't kidding and it wasn't pleasant for me to be around SIL, or good for me or the baby, no matter what she thought.  I sort of remember how the conversation went down, so if you want a play-by-play for sort of a template, then PM me.

[TurtleDove]

Maybe I missed the backstory, but I think the DH is overreacting, especially becuase the baby is not even born yet.  The grandparents are NOT choosing the 6 year old over the baby.  Right now they are watching their only grandchild.  I don't see any indication why they would not do the same for the DH's baby when it is born, unless the DH says, "I don't like my nephew or my sister so you need to choose which child and grandchild you like best."  Because really, this is likely to backfire, especially because the grandparents have already agreed to and have enjoyed watching their 6 year old grandchild on Saturdays.  Again, this is not a slight to DH or the yet to be born baby -- it is not about them.  It is about the grandparents love for the 6 year old grandchild. I see no indication that they would not show the same love to the new grandchild once it arrives, unless the DH prevents them from doing so because he does not want to be around his sister.  That is within the DH's rights, but then that is on him, not his parents.

[bah12]

Why is the sister obligated to change her work schedule to accommodate her brother?  Only her parents can ask her to do that with some sort of legitimacy and they chose not to. 

Whoa--wait!

I didn't think it was a matter of the grandparents NOT asking Sis to change her schedule.

And she wouldn't be accommodating her BROTHER--she would be accommodating her PARENTS, who are the ones who want to spend this time with their son.

They asked the sister if she could find other accommodations in less than a week and she couldn't.  And less than a week really isn't a lot of time to change a schedule.

Again, the parents have every right to say "we can't babysit on Saturday", but they aren't saying that.  And I do think it's awfully unreasonable for the brother to maintain that because his sister "chooses" to work on Saturday that she should change her schedule or pay someone else (probably more money) to watch her kid so that he can go shopping for a playpen with his parents.

I suppose it's quite possible that his sister is independantly wealthy and doesn't have to work at all but "chooses" to because she just loves her job that much or because she wants to torment her brother, imprison her parents, and monopolize their time...but I doubt it.  I think it's more reasonable that she chooses to work on Saturdays so that she can make money to support her and her child.  And having a babysitting arrangement with her parents makes that easier for her to do.

And in this scenario, I'm really feeling sorry for the parents.  It seems that both of their kids are being awfully demanding of their time and not very flexible when it comes to allowing them to spend time with the other or even alone.  I imagine that unless some heart to heart talk with all adults occurs, things are only going to get worse when grandchild #2 arrives and starts competing for time/attention as well.

[Minmom3]

I had severe Symphasis Pubis Dysfunction throughout my last pregnancy. I was on crutches from about halfway through, and couldn't walk at all at the end. I believe it's quite a common condition (some women get a mild case, some like me get it more severely).

Continuing the OT - what is that?  Is it where the ligaments loosen a little enthusiastically and early?  I can certainly see where that would be an issue!

[Giggity]

Of course the grandparents like the six-year-old more. He actually exists outside someone else's body and has a personality and has bonded to them. It's sort of a stretch to think that they will dislike the upcoming one because of how much they like the current one.

[GrammarNerd]

Of course the grandparents like the six-year-old more. He actually exists outside someone else's body and has a personality and has bonded to them. It's sort of a stretch to think that they will dislike the upcoming one because of how much they like the current one.

From my perspective (from my own experience), it happened.  And it's not that they actively disliked our child, it was just that he was the afterthought.  If they thought of their grandchildren, they always thought of the other one first.  We went on vacation with ILs once, and I had to endure the stories about the other grandkid until I'd just about bitten my lip off from not saying something impolite.  They were WITH our kid, yet they couldn't even seem to enjoy him; they just had to keep talking about the other one.  I can't tell you the number of times that we would be talking about something, and MIL would turn the conversation back to GC#1.  We were supposed to visit them one time and DS was coming down with something (mild, but contagious).  We called them to tell them, and the VERY first thing that MIL said after finding out was NOT to ask how DS was doing, but was to make a comment about how this would affect the other grandchild.  Really?

And knowing my SIL and her entitlement tendencies and how the ILs seemed to think she can do no wrong, I predicted it.  I remember telling my DH that SIL was going to have her parents babysit (i.e., claim their time) and they wouldn't have any time left for our kids.  I didn't realize at the time how true this would be. 

And yes, this is mostly on the grandparents, but I don't doubt that SIL cultivates this, as mine did. 

And OP, not to be melodramatic, but if this 6 year old is that out of control, I would SERIOUSLY worry about him around a newborn.  Even well-behaved children might feel displaced because of the attention lavished on a new baby, but I would worry that with his behavior and apparent lack of  impulse control, he could do something harmful to the baby if he perceived it as a threat to his grandparents' attention.  Remember, IL's house is his second home, so I'd imagine he'd feel pretty comfortable there and possessive of it.