Author Topic: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?  (Read 3388 times)

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Minmom3

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #15 on: October 03, 2012, 10:26:57 PM »
My sister has a friend like this.  My sister has finally come up with a solution that works for her. She tells her friend she can talk about the latest guy/guy problem for 10 minutes. Then the subject either changes or Sis goes home/hangs up the phone. Sis times her, and she cries and complains for 10 minutes. Then she stops.

The friend has pretty much worn out all her other friends with this, so she goes along with Sis's rule.

I really, REALLY like this!  It made me laugh.  And really?  It's a good 'work around' for your sister.  Friendship was stronger than the need to whine and/or listen to more...
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

artk2002

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #16 on: October 03, 2012, 11:05:08 PM »
I'm in the camp of no longer giving any advice and saying "Gee, that does sound awful. What are you going to do about it?" whenever she complains.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

GrammarNerd

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #17 on: October 03, 2012, 11:37:57 PM »
Can you be proactive about it? When she gets involved with a new guy and starts gushing about him, take the opportunity to set her straight BEFORE she gets to the point of whining on your shoulder.  "Friend, I'm glad you like newguy.  It's great that it's going so well for you!  I'm happy for you, and I want to continue to stay happy for you.  So do yourself a favor, and don't sabotage this relationship.  You always ask me what to do, how DF and I are so happy, and I tell you, and then you do the opposite and end up breaking up with the guy.  Then you cry on my shoulder, ask me what to do, and it starts all over again.  It's a cycle, and it doesn't seem that you want to break it, but I do.  So here's the thing: I'm not doing that anymore.  If you want something to change, then change it!  Don't just destroy it and then complain to me.  It doesn't do anyone any good.  So this time, if you do any of those things that I've told you before not to do, like keep secrets from each other, then I'm not going to listen to you vent when your relationship goes south.  If you want my advice, then either use it for once or quit asking for it."

Harsh?  Maybe.  But sometimes harsh things need to be said.  And then you've given her a warning of sorts for what's to come.

Coley

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #18 on: October 04, 2012, 06:28:24 AM »
I'm in the camp of no longer giving any advice and saying "Gee, that does sound awful. What are you going to do about it?" whenever she complains.

POD. What I like about this response is the empathy in the first sentence and the call to action in the question. Let her come up with the solution. The problem with giving advice is that the recipient may not believe that the suggestion is workable. This is why people don't take others' advice even when they continue to make the same mistakes and the same advice is offered 1,000 times. And it's why the advice-giver eventually becomes frustrated. 

You can't change your friend any more than she can change the guys she's seeing. But you can change the dynamic in your friendship by not offering advice even if she asks. Put her in the driver's seat.

aikigirl

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #19 on: October 04, 2012, 11:28:33 AM »
I had this problem with a sister stuck in a bad marriage. It was 12 years of he did this or that, he's horrible, I can't trust him... None of my advise was ever used, so I stopped giving it. When she called and started I'd just say hmm, or yeah a lot with no reaction at all, very monotone. I was prepared if asked to respond with "you've heard everything I have to say many times over, I have nothing new to add" but it never came to that. After the third call doing this I noted her complaining tapered off dramatically and quickly died all together. Coincidentally she filed for divorce 6 months later.

I think she was stuck in a loop and I was unwittingly feeding into it. My giving advise just seemed to justify her anger and desire to vent, sort of like "Aikigirl thinks he's bad so obviously I'm right and I'll just keep talking about it to prove I'm right." Without my reactions she had no way to ramp up the emotions. I don't know if it caused her to change and leave the marriage, but it did save my sanity and our relationship.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #20 on: October 04, 2012, 11:53:26 AM »
I'm in the camp of no longer giving any advice and saying "Gee, that does sound awful. What are you going to do about it?" whenever she complains.

This worked for me also.

I don't give advice unless asked and after multiple times, I start to go with, "we have discussed this before - what are YOU going to do about it?"

It worked for my situation - eventually.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #21 on: October 04, 2012, 12:35:24 PM »
Hey what's that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different outcomes?  >:D I like the 10 minute idea, as that sounds like the advice an aunt gave me when I was telling her about a complaining friend.   It was kinda funny really.  I had no boyfriends till I met DH and thus no relationship experience at all to draw on, so for some mysterious reason (okay it was cause I'd let them whine my ear off) they'd whine to me about whatever guy problem they were dealing with.

My aunt told me to use this tactic, to tell them they could complain for a certain amount of time and then change the subject. Actually the friends ended up not talking so much about guys after all. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

BeagleMommy

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #22 on: October 04, 2012, 03:10:44 PM »
I'd also go with "Gee, that sounds terrible.  What are you going to do about it?".  You've given her advice, she chooses not to follow it and questions why her methods don't get the results she wants.  Let her come up with her own solution.

peach2play

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #23 on: October 04, 2012, 05:19:13 PM »
My BFF is the same way.  I finally told him we could discuss any possible topic in the world except the women he's dating because I don't want to hear that she's left her live in bf again and she's with you when I know for a fact that in 3 days she will break it off with you and go back to her live in b/f.  It's the 7th time it's happened.  Not gonna change.  And every single time he brought it up, I stopped communicating with him.  Got off IM, hung up, didn't return the txt.  He learned not to bring his super-drama-tastic dating life up around me and that I would no longer support him emotionally through the yo-yo craziness.  Had I lost him as a friend over this, I would be sad, but not too sad. 

camlan

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Re: How many times do I have to patiently give her the same advice?
« Reply #24 on: October 04, 2012, 05:50:48 PM »
Another thing--you don't have to be the epitome of patience, either. One of the reasons she babbles on and on about the same thing over and over is because you are so patient. Start giving her cues that you are impatient about dealing with the same problems over and over again.

Not being patient isn't being rude. It's letting the other person know that your patience is running out on this subject.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn