Feedback on this please...

[pickles50]

A little back story first: I am a travel agent for a large company and part of my benefit package is travel benefits. Its an extremely generous package, as I can travel all expense paid (except for minor extras) free for up to two weeks with 1 extra person, we just pay taxes which comes to a little over $100 per person (the total of the trip costing well over $5000 for two). For obvious reasons when this time of year comes around EVERYONE I know comes out of the woodwork because they want to be that extra person. This year I brought along a friend that I had known for a little over a year with whom I get along with very well, in hopes that she would be a great fit and we could do it again next year. The same person who prides herself on thoughtfulness and "old school" manners. I could not have been more wrong. She complained the entire time and did not really want to do anything but nap ALL THE TIME. 

So two things I would like some feedback on:
I was a bit surprised that she didn't offer to pay for any of my "extras" (drinks here and there, cab fare, tips and what not) as a thank you. I was a bit miffed that something like this was never extended. I did clearly go over any extra charges she could incur and how much they would cost. Let me add she does make a good income and was way under budget for the trip (as she announced). I also happily paid for many of her extras. Was I wrong to think she might pick up a bar tab here and there as a thank you? She did thank me (sort of) after the trip with a off handed comment, similar to how a coworker brings me coffee in the morning.

Also my second problem is a bit more of my fault...I assumed she would be great to travel with so I have implied (before the trip) that she could go next year. So now I need to figure out how to get out of this, which I know is my fault. I just want to make sure she is not planning her yearly vacation betting she can go free with me again. So I feel I owe it to her to as a courtesy to tell her she will not be traveling with me next year so she has time to make other travel arrangements.

I am not mad at her I just chalked it up to a life lesson but I must admit I feel a wee bit taken advantage of.


ADDITION: It was a cruise. All meals were paid for, alcohol was not. She picked up her drinks and I picked up mine. Gratuities totaled $75 per person. The cab ride there was $15, which I picked up, the cab ride home she picked up but by the end of the trip I was pretty spent so I just looked at her and said, "you got this?". So the extras were shore excursions, souvenirs, drinks, the aforementioned cab fare, room service tips, spa services etc...you get the idea. I told her to bring $500 which was clearly more than enough. She had drinks and spa services so she was not short on cash or on some incredibly tight budget.

To add insult to injury she ordered room service for breakfast almost every morning (which I told her ahead of time this was the only instance where you would tip in cash onboard, I never order room service as I enjoying dining with other cruisers so I don't worry about this. Two of those mornings she was in the gym and in the shower so I received the room service and tipped the attendant, even though she knew it was coming because you mark the time you want it to come. This baffled the hell out of me, especially when she I would say your breakfast is here and she would plop down and eat it...the second time I told her she couldn't order RS anymore unless she was going to be there to accept it because I wasn't really overjoyed about accepting it and tipping him, but WHY did I even have to tell her this? (I already had).

The extras I picked up onboard which was specialty dining (twice @ $25) and some snack/treat stuff in port, not a big deal but I kind of waited for her to offer and got nothing so instead of making the situation uncomfortable I just picked it up because that is how my parents raised me. I just found it to be weird that she just sat there and let me, I got a feeling she felt somewhat entitled about it.

So that being said feel free to comment...

[buvezdevin]

It sounds as though there are at least two areas in which you were disappointed with this friend as a traveling companion:

1.  She complained, and did't want to do much other than nap.
2.  She did not return a courtesy you extended (buying a round of drinks or such) and also did not acknowledge your generosity in bringing her on your travel package in a way which was meaningful to you (thank you gift, or other significant type of thank you).

For the first point, this would be both a great thing to discuss in advance with any other friends you may want to invite in the future ("what do you like to do when traveling?  Do you like to relax and chill, or do a lot of activities - what kind of food do you like, etc." - all good to discuss in advance if possible) - and this point would also provide you an out if your friend brings up travel together for next year.  You could say "I really like more activity/different food or sleep hours on vacation than you do, and I think we'd both be happier spending vacation time apart in the ways we each prefer."

For the second point, I understand - and have been in somewhat similar situations - but we can't *make* people appreciate or return generosity, we can just choose not to extend similar hospitality to that person in the future.

[Pippen]

I have been in a similar situation and it was a nightmare. How I am not in prison for murder I do not know. If she is keen on taking advantage of your generosity next time she will no doubt be planning it and bring up something along the lines of mentioning dates or places. I would tell her you have a number of people who have expressed and interest and you will be making a decision on such and such a date and will let everyone know the outcome then. Then just tell her you have chosen someone else who has always wanted to go to Imaginary Land so he/she seemed the natural choice.

[JenJay]

It sounds like you made vague insinuations she'd be invited next year but didn't come right out with anything like "Where shall we go next time?", right?

I wouldn't bring it up. If she brings it up within the next six months I'd say "I haven't decided who I'm taking next time. All of my friends and relatives enjoy going so I try to share the wealth." If she brings it up closer to trip time I'd go with "I have to be honest, Friend, you didn't seem to enjoy the trip last year so I invited someone else."

As for the lack of reciprocation, been there. I stopped paying for her. We're still friends and now I enjoy going out with her again because I know I won't end up resenting doing all the treating.

[NyaChan]

Honestly, while I do think that as a matter of course such a huge favor should be given more acknowledgment, I don't understand why you paid for her extras at all.  I can see her thinking that it didn't cost you anything to take her if she paid her taxes and you paid yours, but I would have at least bought you dinner while we were there and if nothing else, been effusive in thanking you. 

As for next year, don't even worry about it - you implied she might be with you again but never explicitly invited her.  No need to bring it up, if she asks (which man I don't see how you ask someone about this, but then ehell never ceases to surprise me  ) just say that you have made plans with someone else.

[Deetee]

I also feel that (as in a case like this) as she was financially comfortable the right thing to do is cover some or all of your extras. Just because it doesn't cost you anything doesn't mean it isn't worth anything. You basically gave her a 2500 gift.

I'm not saying she should pay you back the same amount, but I know if was me I would be falling over myself trying to get you special drinks and anything to make your trip slightly more awesome. 10-20% of the original value would be still an amazing deal.

[artk2002]

Don't say anything to her about next time. If she brings it up say "Oh, you seemed to have a bad time so I didn't think you would want to go again." If she pushes then you go with "I'm sorry, but I like to enjoy my travel -- you didn't want to do anything and complained a great deal of the time. Perhaps that kind of travel just isn't for you."

[Raintree]

You gave her a free (apart from extras) vacation and she COMPLAINED the whole time?

Yeah I wouldn't say anything more about it either, unless she brings it up, in which case you can say "Oh, I have so many people wanting to come; the trip I'm doing this year is something my aunt (friend, mother, aquaintance) has always wanted to do so I'm bringing her." You could always state that she's welcome to come, if she pays her own expenses.....

[TootsNYC]

It sounds like you made vague insinuations she'd be invited next year but didn't come right out with anything like "Where shall we go next time?", right?

I wouldn't bring it up. If she brings it up within the next six months I'd say "I haven't decided who I'm taking next time. All of my friends and relatives enjoy going so I try to share the wealth." If she brings it up closer to trip time I'd go with "I have to be honest, Friend, you didn't seem to enjoy the trip last year so I invited someone else."

As for the lack of reciprocation, been there. I stopped paying for her. We're still friends and now I enjoy going out with her again because I know I won't end up resenting doing all the treating.

I agree here.

A year is a long ways away. I wouldn't be surprised if you want to distance yourself a bit from someone who doesn't get the basic niceties like "if someone picks up a tab for you, you should make an effort to pick up a tab for them sometimes." And so I would think that some of the distance that might naturally result would indicate that she's probably not going to come as your guest again.

Just wait until  it comes up, and then use Raintree's wording (but do NOT suggest that she can come along if she pays--she's lousy to travel with!~)

And I agree that you would probably stop ever paying anything for this particular woman, even if you do continue to get together. It sounds like she doesn't work along the same lines, and so treating her will just set you up to dislike her. Why touch on a weak spot, right? Now you know she's got one.

Bummer!

[katycoo]

While it is a gift, its not the same kind of gift where you are personally out of pocket for her attendance, if she paid her own taxes.  So I don't think it was necessary a reasonable assumption for her to pick up little tabs of yours.  She didn't have a monetary debt to be balanced.

Clearly, she should have been more gracious, and less whingy, and her thanks should have been clearly communicated but I don't really see this a necessarily a thing which required a thank you 'gift'.

I see this as similar to inviting someone as your plus one to a event you won 2 tickets to.  It doesn't cost you anything to take that person, and it doesn't cost them anything, except perhaps you split the cab.  Your date wouldn't give you a thank you gift for that, even though they were picked over other contenders.

[artk2002]

While it is a gift, its not the same kind of gift where you are personally out of pocket for her attendance, if she paid her own taxes.  So I don't think it was necessary a reasonable assumption for her to pick up little tabs of yours.  She didn't have a monetary debt to be balanced.

Clearly, she should have been more gracious, and less whingy, and her thanks should have been clearly communicated but I don't really see this a necessarily a thing which required a thank you 'gift'.

I see this as similar to inviting someone as your plus one to a event you won 2 tickets to.  It doesn't cost you anything to take that person, and it doesn't cost them anything, except perhaps you split the cab.  Your date wouldn't give you a thank you gift for that, even though they were picked over other contenders.

I don't think that it matters one bit whether the OP was monetarily out-of-pocket at all. There were any number of other people she could have taken on this trip, so in that sense, she gave something of real value to this woman. Plus, my understanding of the OP is that she picked up the tab some of the time, but the other woman never reciprocated.

[Ceallach]

I think it's one of those things that you shouldn't expect, but which you know that a thoughtful and gracious person would do (if they have the means and opportunity) because it's the right thing to do to thank the host.  So it's not an entitlement that she should have forked out for a few extras as a gesture of goodwill, but despite that it understandably changes your opinion of her that she didn't.   

I agree with PPs that no firm commitment nor offer has been made re next year, so just cool off the friendship and don't mention it again.

[katycoo]

While it is a gift, its not the same kind of gift where you are personally out of pocket for her attendance, if she paid her own taxes.  So I don't think it was necessary a reasonable assumption for her to pick up little tabs of yours.  She didn't have a monetary debt to be balanced.

Clearly, she should have been more gracious, and less whingy, and her thanks should have been clearly communicated but I don't really see this a necessarily a thing which required a thank you 'gift'.

I see this as similar to inviting someone as your plus one to a event you won 2 tickets to.  It doesn't cost you anything to take that person, and it doesn't cost them anything, except perhaps you split the cab.  Your date wouldn't give you a thank you gift for that, even though they were picked over other contenders.

I don't think that it matters one bit whether the OP was monetarily out-of-pocket at all. There were any number of other people she could have taken on this trip, so in that sense, she gave something of real value to this woman. Plus, my understanding of the OP is that she picked up the tab some of the time, but the other woman never reciprocated.

I didn't say the gift had no value.  I just said that in my experience, it wasn't the sort of thing I'd associate with a thank you gift.

With respect to the picking up the tab - I'd do that in response to the OP paying mine on occasion - that's equiavalent to taking turns buying a round.  I would have expected this.  But I'd treat it as a separate thing to the trip. 

If the tab part wasn't part of the tale, My response would be that the trip gift warrants a heartfelt thank you and lots of fun memories together.  The guest in this story failed at both.

[artk2002]

She got a gift worth several thousand dollars, if I read the OP correctly ("over $5000 for two".) That requires more than just a "thank you." Whining throughout the trip would negate any "thank you." If someone gave me a gift worth $2500 I'd be falling all over myself to express my gratitude. Heck, I'd pick up nearly every darn tab through the whole trip for that and count myself very, very lucky. This isn't a $40 concert ticket. Even for that, I'd offer to pay for drinks at the venue. My host could have picked someone else for the concert, just as OP could have picked someone else for the trip.

[Iris]

She got a gift worth several thousand dollars, if I read the OP correctly ("over $5000 for two".) That requires more than just a "thank you." Whining throughout the trip would negate any "thank you." If someone gave me a gift worth $2500 I'd be falling all over myself to express my gratitude. Heck, I'd pick up nearly every darn tab through the whole trip for that and count myself very, very lucky. This isn't a $40 concert ticket. Even for that, I'd offer to pay for drinks at the venue. My host could have picked someone else for the concert, just as OP could have picked someone else for the trip.

This. Heck if you took me (hint hint  ) I'd consider it par for the course that I pretty much bought all the drinks. Of course I've been burned enough to know not to make that a concrete offer, but informally I'd be saying "No worries, I've got this." All. The. Time. It may not be costing you anything monetarily but it's still an AWESOME gift.