Feedback on this please...

[YummyMummy66]

I think that if she even says anything about next year, I would just kindly say, "I'm sorry.  I have invited someone else.  We just did not seem to be a good fit for a vacation together.  I like to go, go, go while on vacation and I am taking someone who is more of the same mind as I".   

If she gets upset, oh well.    Lesson learned, a thank you and less mooching go a long way. 

[cicero]

I was a bit surprised that she didn't offer to pay for any of my "extras" (drinks here and there, cab fare, tips and what not) as a thank you. I was a bit miffed that something like this was never extended. I did clearly go over any extra charges she could incur and how much they would cost. Let me add she does make a good income and was way under budget for the trip (as she announced). I also happily paid for many of her extras. Was I wrong to think she might pick up a bar tab here and there as a thank you? She did thank me (sort of) after the trip with a off handed comment, similar to how a coworker brings me coffee in the morning.

can you clarify this? do you mean that you told in advance that her out of pocket expenses would be about 100$ (and they ended up being less), and she not only did not offer to buy you drinks etc but *you* paid for some of *her* extras?

[secretrebel]

I think it's a much better idea to tell her "I don't think we were a good fit" than "you didn't seem to have a good time". With the latter she could say "but I had a great time. I loved mooching off you!".

[Hmmmmm]

I was a bit surprised that she didn't offer to pay for any of my "extras" (drinks here and there, cab fare, tips and what not) as a thank you. I was a bit miffed that something like this was never extended. I did clearly go over any extra charges she could incur and how much they would cost. Let me add she does make a good income and was way under budget for the trip (as she announced). I also happily paid for many of her extras. Was I wrong to think she might pick up a bar tab here and there as a thank you? She did thank me (sort of) after the trip with a off handed comment, similar to how a coworker brings me coffee in the morning.

can you clarify this? do you mean that you told in advance that her out of pocket expenses would be about 100$ (and they ended up being less), and she not only did not offer to buy you drinks etc but *you* paid for some of *her* extras?

I was curious about that too. 

Also, this trip is part of the OP's benefit package for work which means it is part of her overall job related compensation.  Just because the compensation doesn't come in wages doesn't negate that it is part of her annual salary.  I see this benefit as her companies way of giving an annual bonus. 

[WillyNilly]

I'm guessing by "extras" the OP means she picked up a cab fare or drinks or tipping the bellhop every now and then instead of splitting it.  Haven't we all been there?  Out with friends, hop in a cab and it comes to $8 and you have a $10 in your wallet while your friend only has $20s so you pick it up... expecting over the course of a night your friend will get you back.  Only I think our OP's problem is, the friend didn't get her back, not to even (the $5 or getting the cab home) and certainly not to above and beyond that (buying the OP a few drinks, or admission somewhere).

OP I definitely think you are right to be a bit miffed.  While there might not have been a clear financial obligation (about the trip itself, I do think those "extras" were a clear financial obligation) there was a social obligation.  This wasn't a gift like a sweater or a trinket that the receiver was free to do as they wished with after it was given.  This was a gift of a shared experience and there is an obligation on the receiver to make their part of the sharing as pleasant and comfortable as possible to their host and traveling companion.  It sounds like there were plenty of people who were clamoring to get this gifted trip, for the OP's friend to not step up and do her best to be a good travel companion was unfair to the OP.  Want to have a miserable time on vacation?  No problem.  But do it on your own dime.  When someone else is paying you put on your best smile or graciously decline.

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

I'm guessing by "extras" the OP means she picked up a cab fare or drinks or tipping the bellhop every now and then instead of splitting it.  Haven't we all been there?  Out with friends, hop in a cab and it comes to $8 and you have a $10 in your wallet while your friend only has $20s so you pick it up... expecting over the course of a night your friend will get you back.  Only I think our OP's problem is, the friend didn't get her back, not to even (the $5 or getting the cab home) and certainly not to above and beyond that (buying the OP a few drinks, or admission somewhere).

OP I definitely think you are right to be a bit miffed.  While there might not have been a clear financial obligation (about the trip itself, I do think those "extras" were a clear financial obligation) there was a social obligation.  This wasn't a gift like a sweater or a trinket that the receiver was free to do as they wished with after it was given.  This was a gift of a shared experience and there is an obligation on the receiver to make their part of the sharing as pleasant and comfortable as possible to their host and traveling companion.  It sounds like there were plenty of people who were clamoring to get this gifted trip, for the OP's friend to not step up and do her best to be a good travel companion was unfair to the OP.  Want to have a miserable time on vacation?  No problem.  But do it on your own dime.  When someone else is paying you put on your best smile or graciously decline.

WillyNilly said everything I wanted to say, so I'll just park my POD here.

OP, I don't think you should bring up next year at all.  If she brings it up, then you can use of the suggestions people have already made here. 

[bah12]

First, I don't think you need to say anything about next year.  If you didn't specifically issue an invite yet, just be sure that you don't say anything else that may lead her to believe that she'll be going with you.  And if she does say something about it, then just say "Oh, I've actually agreed to take someone else this year.  I'm sorry."

As for the trip itself, I've traveled with Debbie Downers and I get the frustration.  She doesn't sound like she's a fun person to travel with even if she had payed for all the extras.  I don't blame you for not wanting to travel with her again, even on her dime, for that very reason alone.

As for the paying for extras...I get why you're bothered by her lack of offer, but I don't necessarily think that she had any obligation to pay for anything for you.  While I do think she should have bought you dinner or drinks, at least once, or offered something other than a verbal "thanks", I just don't think she's necessarily rude not to.  You gave her a very generous gift for sure and she should have been outwardly grateful for it...however, I am firm beleiver that a gift must be given without expectation of compensation.  And expecting her to pay for your extras is compensation.

Again, it would have been nice for her to offer to do so (you definitely shouldn't have been paying for her extras) and she does seem awfully ungrateful of this awesome gift, but if the financial arrangement was for you to each pay your own taxes and extras, then I really can't say she was etiquettely obligated to volunteer something different.  She is obligated to send you a thank you letter I think and it would be a very friendly thing to do to take you out on her own dime sometime, but I don't think it can be expected.

[TootsNYC]

I think she *is* etiquettely obligated to buy you a meal or something when you are treating her like this.

Etiquette DOES say that if you stay with someone for a week, or a long weekend, you are supposed to take them out to eat at least once.

This is very much the equivalent, and this lady didn't do it.

Maybe there's no legal obligation, but there definitely is an etiquette one.

[siamesecat2965]

She got a gift worth several thousand dollars, if I read the OP correctly ("over $5000 for two".) That requires more than just a "thank you." Whining throughout the trip would negate any "thank you." If someone gave me a gift worth $2500 I'd be falling all over myself to express my gratitude. Heck, I'd pick up nearly every darn tab through the whole trip for that and count myself very, very lucky. This isn't a $40 concert ticket. Even for that, I'd offer to pay for drinks at the venue. My host could have picked someone else for the concert, just as OP could have picked someone else for the trip.

This. Heck if you took me (hint hint  ) I'd consider it par for the course that I pretty much bought all the drinks. Of course I've been burned enough to know not to make that a concrete offer, but informally I'd be saying "No worries, I've got this." All. The. Time. It may not be costing you anything monetarily but it's still an AWESOME gift.

Me three!  I'd make darn sure that the inviter didn't pay for much at all since they had gifted ME with the trip itself.  I will be in a similar situation next spring; meeting a friend from college for our reunion.  Her DH works for an airline, so she basically flies free, adn due to traveling alot, she has said she will get the hotel, using reward points.  she said she isn't comfortable going unless I do, and hey, since the room will cost me nothing, I'm in.  But you can be darn sure I will be picking up some meals etc FOR her in return,.

[Tabby Uprising]

I think she *is* etiquettely obligated to buy you a meal or something when you are treating her like this.

Etiquette DOES say that if you stay with someone for a week, or a long weekend, you are supposed to take them out to eat at least once.

This is very much the equivalent, and this lady didn't do it.

Maybe there's no legal obligation, but there definitely is an etiquette one.

This is what I thought etiquette said as well, TootsNYC.  I've never seen it specifically outlined in a book or anything, but it's more what I have seen in various advice columns.

In any event, it does seem graceless not to treat the OP to dinner/drinks/tickets something while one the trip. 

[bah12]

I think she *is* etiquettely obligated to buy you a meal or something when you are treating her like this.

Etiquette DOES say that if you stay with someone for a week, or a long weekend, you are supposed to take them out to eat at least once.

This is very much the equivalent, and this lady didn't do it.

Maybe there's no legal obligation, but there definitely is an etiquette one.

I have never seen this anywhere.  I think this comes down to compensation.  I stay with friends often when I travel and I have friends stay with me.  There's definitely the compensation part where friendly relationships go both ways.  We take each other out, offer guest accommodations in our home, etc.  And I think it's just the way that friendships work.

I can't say that after I let someone stay with me for a week, I expect them to treat me to dinner.  Some offer and I accpet, but other times, the enjoyment of their company and the knowledge that the next time I'm passing through their town, I have a place to stay is enough.

For this particular situation, I agree the friend should have acted more grateful and she definitely needed to make more of an effort to be more upbeat during the trip.  Again, I don't blame the OP for being put out by her attitude nor do I think that the OP was being unreasonble in thinking that she might offer to cover *something* during the trip as a token of appreciation.  I just don't think that etiquettely, she was required to provide something specific in the form of a thank you.  And I definitely don't think that it's ok to give someone a gift (regardless of how generous) with the expectation that you will be getting some specific material thing in return (which I don't actually think the OP was doing).

[wyliefool]

Oh sorry, I already arranged to take Wyliefool next year.

 

I'm a very good traveler, promise!

 

[Deetee]

I think she *is* etiquettely obligated to buy you a meal or something when you are treating her like this.

Etiquette DOES say that if you stay with someone for a week, or a long weekend, you are supposed to take them out to eat at least once.

This is very much the equivalent, and this lady didn't do it.

Maybe there's no legal obligation, but there definitely is an etiquette one.

Thanks, I was thinking about this problem. I felt (as I posted) that you should take someone out for dinner/drinks in such a situation, but I had a slight discomfort with the idea of "paying someone back".

But this is exactly it. If you are hosted by someone for more than a night, you take them out for dinner as a thank-you (or cook them dinner-I remember my sister and boyfriend came and stayed with us and cooked us dinner and filled our freezer with homemade perogies-yum).

This is hosted situation. The OP is simply hosting them on a vacation and the guest has an duty under etiquette to reciprocrate (within their financial limitations of course) with some drinks and a nice dinner etc..

[PennyandPleased]

You are not wrong to have expected her to pick up the tab or compensate in some way - in my opinion she should have sent a real thank you note and flowers (or whatever) as a thank you in addition to taking care of dinner and/or drinks throuout the trip. I don't understand how anyone could be that ungrateful!

Don't even bring up the trip with her. Invite who you want and IF she mentions is just be very cool and breezy about it and say "oh why yes I AM bringing Jane, we are excited for our trip. Beandip." No explenation neccesary.

[pickles50]

It was a cruise. All meals were paid for, alcohol was not. She picked up her drinks and I picked up mine. Gratuities totaled $75 per person. The cab ride there was $15, which I picked up, the cab ride home she picked up but by the end of the trip I was pretty spent so I just looked at her and said, "you got this?". So the extras were shore excursions, souvenirs, drinks, the aforementioned cab fare, room service tips, spa services etc...you get the idea. I told her to bring $500 which was clearly more than enough. She had drinks and spa services so she was not short on cash or on some incredibly tight budget.

To add insult to injury she ordered room service for breakfast almost every morning (which I told her ahead of time this was the only instance where you would tip in cash onboard, I never order room service as I enjoying dining with other cruisers so I don't worry about this. Two of those mornings she was in the gym and in the shower so I received the room service and tipped the attendant, even though she knew it was coming because you mark the time you want it to come. This baffled the hell out of me, especially when she I would say your breakfast is here and she would plop down and eat it...the second time I told her she couldn't order RS anymore unless she was going to be there to accept it because I wasn't really overjoyed about accepting it and tipping him, but WHY did I even have to tell her this? (I already had).

The extras I picked up onboard which was specialty dining (twice @ $25) and some snack/treat stuff in port, not a big deal but I kind of waited for her to offer and got nothing so instead of making the situation uncomfortable I just picked it up because that is how my parents raised me. I just found it to be weird that she just sat there and let me, I got a feeling she felt somewhat entitled about it.

So that being said feel free to comment...