Author Topic: Feedback on this please...  (Read 5216 times)

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JenJay

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Re: Feedback on this please...
« Reply #30 on: October 04, 2012, 07:30:12 PM »
Good grief! I can only think of two explanations. Either she's incredibly entitled or she thinks being invited on a vacation is the same as being asked on a date - they pay (Which would be crazy but hey, it happens. lol).

I'm curious if you've heard from her since you got home? Did she even thank you?

pickles50

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Re: Feedback on this please...
« Reply #31 on: October 04, 2012, 07:35:01 PM »
This is how she thanked me..[in cab ride home] "That was a real treat, thanks"....me: stunned silence, uhhh your'e welcome. Good point Jen Jay possibly so...but I went over extras with her. I guess she doesn't take initiative much, since then we have been to brunch several times, where we always split the check...still waiting for thank you card, the ones she claims she ALWAYS writes...its been longer than a month so I think that shipped sailed...no pun intended
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JenJay

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Re: Feedback on this please...
« Reply #32 on: October 04, 2012, 07:38:51 PM »
This is how she thanked me..[in cab ride home] "That was a real treat, thanks"....me: stunned silence, uhhh your'e welcome. Good point Jen Jay possibly so...but I went over extras with her. I guess she doesn't take initiative much, since then we have been to brunch several times, where we always split the check...still waiting for thank you card, the ones she claims she ALWAYS writes...its been longer than a month so I think that shipped sailed...no pun intended
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Haha! I almost called her "Princess", as in the cruise line, but I was afraid someone would think I was just being snarky. Plus there's no reason to insult a perfectly nice company.  ;D

Kaypeep

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Re: I am the OP, a little clarification
« Reply #33 on: October 04, 2012, 07:58:06 PM »

The extras I picked up onboard which was specialty dining (twice @ $25) and some snack/treat stuff in port, not a big deal but I kind of waited for her to offer and got nothing so instead of making the situation uncomfortable I just picked it up because that is how my parents raised me. I just found it to be weird that she just sat there and let me, I got a feeling she felt somewhat entitled about it.

So that being said feel free to comment...

Just because your parents raised you that way doesn't mean it's right.  There are many people who come to this board to learn how to deal with uncomfortable situations so as not to be rude, but also not to be a doormat.  The way I read this, you're saying your parents raised you to let people take advantage of you.   And you're not alone.  Many of us allow ourselves to be like this so as not to rock the boat (no pun intended!)  If you're going to keep travelling with companions, I would start to work on your spine, so to speak.  Don't let yourself get caught picking up tabs.  Ask for separate checks.  If you're buying snacks, at the register do not co-mingle your things.  In fact, say "You first!" and let the companion purchase their things first.  If you get stuck paying a tip for room service, when the person comes back just say "You owe me $5 for the room service tip because you weren't here to accept the delivery.  And do NOT let them get out of paying you!"  These tips work for travel, or just day to day life when going out with friends.

As for your friend, I'd say nothing to her.  If she brings it up just say you are going with (fill in name) this year.  If she dares to question why  you aren't bringing her again, just use what the PP's have suggested and go along the lines of " you didn't seem to enjoy it, and I there are so many others who have been dying to go for years.  Plus (Name) is a very generous friend to me and I feel I owe it to her to let her come to repay her for her genrousity and friendship over the year."  (HINT HINT!)

lisastitch

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Re: Feedback on this please...
« Reply #34 on: October 04, 2012, 07:59:28 PM »
I agree with Toots that it's a hostess situation.  When someone hosts you, you do something to show your appreciation, whether it's bringing a bottle of wine, taking them out to (or making) a nice dinner, sending flowers afterwards.  If you and the other person exchange hosting on a regular basis, you may not do anything besides saying thank you because you express your thanks by hosting them nicely.
In a situation like this, I would be looking to pick up as many incidentals for you as I could. 

bah12

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Re: Feedback on this please...
« Reply #35 on: October 04, 2012, 08:12:27 PM »
I agree with Toots that it's a hostess situation.  When someone hosts you, you do something to show your appreciation, whether it's bringing a bottle of wine, taking them out to (or making) a nice dinner, sending flowers afterwards.  If you and the other person exchange hosting on a regular basis, you may not do anything besides saying thank you because you express your thanks by hosting them nicely.
In a situation like this, I would be looking to pick up as many incidentals for you as I could.

I'm just having a hard time with the specifity of how she shows that appreciation.  I agree that a thank you is warranted and being that she will probably not be giving the OP an all expense paid trip in return for the one she received, she should do something else.

If it were me, I would have picked up most, if not all, the extras on the trip.  But I don't think that means everyone has to do exactly that.  Even if the etiquette rule did say "you must take someone out to dinner when they host you for longer than two days", it still doesn't mean that the dinner has to occur on the actual vacation.

I'm with the OP in her frustration.  This friend does not seem at all appreciative or even a lot of fun to hang out with.  She should have done something...anything to show some gratitude.

I just don't think it's fair to say what that something is.  The extras were convenient and most of us would have chosen that option.  But she can still choose to take her to lunch, dinner, buy her flowers, get her a spa treatment, whatever, at another time. Unfortunately, it seems as if this "friend" is doing nothing....and that is a problem. 

GrammarNerd

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Re: Feedback on this please...
« Reply #36 on: October 04, 2012, 11:21:02 PM »
Add me to those who would be annoyed too.  Bravo to you for 'insisting' that she pay for the ending cab ride!

I think one of the sticking points here is not that she didn't offer to pick up expenses, but that she actually created MORE unnecessary expenses for the OP (room service) that were solely for her, yet she acted entitled instead of appreciative. 

If pressed, I would probably say, "The trip?  What trip?  Oh, MY trip?  No, I'm taking Jane this year."  If she dared to press me further, I'd might be tempted to tell her, "Well, I get this wonderful trip for my job and I really look forward to it each year.  I really want to share it with someone who appreciates it.  It was really obvious that you didn't have a very good time, and that just took some of the fun away from me.  Add that to how I also had to incur extra expenses on your behalf even though I told you to bring money for those things, and no, I'm not really excited to do that again.  So yes, I'll be taking Jane this year." 

I'm just thinking that if she behaved THAT badly (and in my book, complaining at all is behaving badly) after being given a gift that was a few THOUSAND dollars, telling her a few hard truths is NOT out of line. 

Miss Unleaded

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Re: Feedback on this please...
« Reply #37 on: October 05, 2012, 12:46:54 AM »
I think it's a much better idea to tell her "I don't think we were a good fit" than "you didn't seem to have a good time". With the latter she could say "but I had a great time. I loved mooching off you!".

True.

I had a friend who stayed with me for three weeks once.  She complained the whole time about everything, got sick and acted like a baby about it, only went out alone twice (I was working for two of those weeks so she had the days pretty much to herself to do sightseeing or shopping ).  At the end I was overjoyed to see her back.  A year later she mentioned coming again, and when I said I didn't think it was a good idea as she obviously didn't enjoy herself the first time she argued with me about it.  And yes, the second time she was almost as bad again. 

OP I wouldn't bring it up.  You didn't make a firm commitment and if she should be so forward as to ask about it, feel free to tell her that your holiday styles didn't gel so you're asking someone else.

wallaby

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Re: Feedback on this please...
« Reply #38 on: October 05, 2012, 03:54:39 AM »
First, I don't think you need to say anything about next year.  If you didn't specifically issue an invite yet, just be sure that you don't say anything else that may lead her to believe that she'll be going with you.  And if she does say something about it, then just say "Oh, I've actually agreed to take someone else this year.  I'm sorry."

As for the trip itself, I've traveled with Debbie Downers and I get the frustration.  She doesn't sound like she's a fun person to travel with even if she had payed for all the extras.  I don't blame you for not wanting to travel with her again, even on her dime, for that very reason alone.

As for the paying for extras...I get why you're bothered by her lack of offer, but I don't necessarily think that she had any obligation to pay for anything for you.  While I do think she should have bought you dinner or drinks, at least once, or offered something other than a verbal "thanks", I just don't think she's necessarily rude not to.  You gave her a very generous gift for sure and she should have been outwardly grateful for it...however, I am firm beleiver that a gift must be given without expectation of compensation.  And expecting her to pay for your extras is compensation.

Again, it would have been nice for her to offer to do so (you definitely shouldn't have been paying for her extras) and she does seem awfully ungrateful of this awesome gift, but if the financial arrangement was for you to each pay your own taxes and extras, then I really can't say she was etiquettely obligated to volunteer something different.  She is obligated to send you a thank you letter I think and it would be a very friendly thing to do to take you out on her own dime sometime, but I don't think it can be expected.

I agree with this post, completely.

I have been in a similar situation to OP once. Based on that unfortunate experience, I suspect the guest was operating under the assumption of 'Pickles50 is hosting/treating me - for the whole trip'. I would suggest this was why guest expected you to pick up the tab for things you did together (special meals, taxi) but paid for her spa treatments separately. Based on what happened in my case, she might have also believed that she had done you a favor by agreeing to come with you, and might also have been expecting a thank you from you(!). Unfortunately I am not kidding.