Girl's Only Birthday Party - is it rude for the GOH to bring her boyfriend? p50

[Amava]

If her reason is that "she really has her heart set on trying out this new place, and can't afford to invite more guests there", I think the better solution would be to have the larger group at the more affordable place, and try out the new place with her boyfriend alone, as a couple.

Who wants to "try out this new, rather expensive place" to treat a group of people, anyway? There would be too much risk involved for me! What if the place turns out a disappointment? Then she is out of all that money to treat her friends. If I wanted to try out a new place, I'd go alone or with one other person first, to make sure it's as good as I think!

But if she /really/ wants to make it a "girls-only" thing, then I think it's really weird and uncomfortable to include her boyfriend. He is not a girl! I personally don't "get" or "do" girls-only things, but if I did, I would know well enough not to include one man. The heck??? That's just bizarre.

[WillyNilly]

I don't think its cool. Esentially she's saying "its MY birthday and having MY boyfriend there is super awesome cool fun. But as far as the rest of you? Yeah its a girl thing, leave your men at home!"

Plus the reality is, having a guy there changes the atmosphere. Not better or worse, but different. If you are doing mixed gender do it, if you aren't don't, but don't half-bottom it. What she's suggesting is all the awkward of a mixed group with zero of the fun - why would she want to do that to her own party?

[camlan]

Zoe has several options here. She's picking the rudest one.

Zoe could:

1) Invite just "the girls" to the "girls only" party at the expensive tea shop.
2) Invite fewer women with their SOs to the expensive tea shop, so that Zoe can invite her BF.
3) Invite everyone, men and women, to a less expensive restaurant.

But instead she is choosing 4) Invite the girls and invite her BF. Which then negates the "girls only" aspect of the event and pretty much requires her to invite spouses and SOs, but she values the venue (the expensive tea shop) over the proper etiquette in this case.

I doubt her friends will end the friendship over this. But it is not the most polite thing to do to her guests.

Frankly, if I were invited to a girls only tea, I'd be pretty surprised to see a guy there. His presence would change the tone of the event, and the conversation.

[JenJay]

I agree with

I'd asked the boyfriend first though, he might not want to be at a afternoon tea with just a group of girls who he doesn't know well (assuming he doesn't since he's a new boyfriend)

And

I don't think its cool. Esentially she's saying "its MY birthday and having MY boyfriend there is super awesome cool fun. But as far as the rest of you? Yeah its a girl thing, leave your men at home!"

If her boyfriend doesn't want to go, problem solved. If he does she might want to consider inviting all the boys and changing the venue to something more affordable. Personally I'd be confused if I was invited to a girls-only tea and found one guy there. I'd probably make an Interesting Assumption and figure he crashed. 

[Zilla]

Since she is hosting, she can invite who she would like.  If it is a problem for you, then don't attend.

You're right, she can invite whomever she wants. That doesn't make one man on a "girl's night out" any less peculiar. "People unclear on the concept..."

Well she is calling it Girls' Tea because she can't afford to host their SO and doesn't want to cut single friends.  So she isn't calling it Girls Tea to have it only  girls, she is doing it for affordability reasons.


And I agree with others, her party, her tab, her rules.

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

She might have the "right" to bring her boyfriend along, but this will probably create resentment among her friends.  I think she would be better off just enjoying a true all-girls' tea with her friends, and then doing something else with her boyfriend.  The dynamic really changes when a boyfriend is in tow, especially if it's a new boyfriend. 

[NyaChan]

Ok, maybe I made a mistake, but I had an "Afternoon Tea" for my birthday as well.

My roommate invited 6 girls and 1 boy on my behalf - no SOs were invited and no one gave any indication that they would have expected this.  In that case, I wasn't even paying for the people - this group was entirely pay for your own, and I covered my own bill as a matter of course.  It didn't even occur to me that those girls or the boy would have expected their significant others to be invited just because it was a mixed gathering.  Granted the boy wasn't my boyfriend, but the issue seems to be that it is now a mixed gathering where it wasn't before right?  Or is it that the girls don't want to be without their boyfriend if the GoH gets to have hers there? 

[bah12]

I think this arrangement is awkward, for both her girl friends and her boyfriend.  And I don't think that she should call it a "girls only" event, if it isn't.  As others have mentioned, there are other, better options and I think it's short sited of her not to consider any of them.  She definitely runs the risk of alienating her friends, and maybe even her "new-ish" boyfriend who might not even enjoy the event to begin with.

But, at the end of the day, it's her party.  She's hosting, she's paying, so she can decide who is on the guest list.

[SiotehCat]

I think its rude.

Like a previous poster, I thought that you could only exclude an SO if its a girls/guys only event.

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

Ok, maybe I made a mistake, but I had an "Afternoon Tea" for my birthday as well.

My roommate invited 6 girls and 1 boy on my behalf - no SOs were invited and no one gave any indication that they would have expected this.  In that case, I wasn't even paying for the people - this group was entirely pay for your own, and I covered my own bill as a matter of course.  It didn't even occur to me that those girls or the boy would have expected their significant others to be invited just because it was a mixed gathering.  Granted the boy wasn't my boyfriend, but the issue seems to be that it is now a mixed gathering where it wasn't before right?  Or is it that the girls don't want to be without their boyfriend if the GoH gets to have hers there?

NyaChan, was the boy already friends with you and the other girls?  I feel like the problem with Zoe's gathering in the OP is not simply because it's a mixed gathering, but because she's bringing a person who doesn't have any relationship with the other guests other than the fact that he's her boyfriend.  Plus he's a new boyfriend, so it's likely that he and the other girls don't know each other well, which can make things awkward.

I actually agree that because she's hosting and she's paying, she can invite whomever she wants, but I also think that she has to take the risk that the other girls will feel awkward or will resent not being able to bring their SOs. 

[JenJay]

Ok, maybe I made a mistake, but I had an "Afternoon Tea" for my birthday as well.

My roommate invited 6 girls and 1 boy on my behalf - no SOs were invited and no one gave any indication that they would have expected this.  In that case, I wasn't even paying for the people - this group was entirely pay for your own, and I covered my own bill as a matter of course.  It didn't even occur to me that those girls or the boy would have expected their significant others to be invited just because it was a mixed gathering.  Granted the boy wasn't my boyfriend, but the issue seems to be that it is now a mixed gathering where it wasn't before right?  Or is it that the girls don't want to be without their boyfriend if the GoH gets to have hers there?

I don't think they're the same thing because your event wasn't described as being "girls only" and the one man wasn't the SO of one of the ladies.

The issue with the OP is that boyfriends are being specifically excluded with the exception of one. Normally I think the consensus is no, that isn't okay. There are wrinkles in this scenario, though, because the boyfriend being invited is 1) dating the guest of honor, and 2) dating the hostess. Is it okay for the guest of honor to say "No boyfriends except mine!"? Is it okay for the hostess to say "I'm paying so no boyfriends except for mine!"?

I vote no to both, but only because it feels off to me, not because I'm convinced it's necessarily rude.

[Two Ravens]

I think it is very strange that she is calling it a "Girl's Tea" when she is planning on bringing a guy.  If she wants her BF there, just call it her "Birthday Tea" or whatever.

[hobish]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought giving yourself better accommodations your guests was a faux pas? You wouldn’t serve yourself champagne and give your guests grape juice, or eat caviar when your guests are having hot dogs. Does that only apply to food? I know it is her party and her tab, but something about inviting only her SO seems off to me. I just can't put my finger on it.
Personally, i would be a little put off. I don't like those one-gender-only events. I just don't. If i participated in one to help my friend celebrate her birthday and found out it was only SO-free only for some it would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe i am petty, i don't know.

[NyaChan]

I can see that meeting someone new may not be the same as a gathering between old friends, but this isn't a group created outing right?  It isn't about all the friends getting together to hang, it is a hosted event where the host has invited her friends who happen to be girls along with her boyfriend - of course, I am assuming that she isn't deliberately leaving out other male friends of a similar level of closeness which might change how I feel about it.  Really, if people can't handle being around someone they don't know for maybe 2 hours tops, I think they are over-thinking the point of the outing - to have some fun.  If I went to a birthday party, I wouldn't expect the guest list to be limited to people I knew and felt comfortable with, I would expected it to be limited to people the host knew and felt comfortable with. 

ETA:  I guess my only issue with this arrangement is that she is calling it a Girl's only event.  If she didn't call it that, I don't think I would have a problem with it.

[JenJay]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought giving yourself better accommodations your guests was a faux pas? You wouldn’t serve yourself champagne and give your guests grape juice, or eat caviar when your guests are having hot dogs. Does that only apply to food? I know it is her party and her tab, but something about inviting only her SO seems off to me. I just can't put my finger on it.
Personally, i would be a little put off. I don't like those one-gender-only events. I just don't. If i participated in one to help my friend celebrate her birthday and found out it was only SO-free only for some it would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe i am petty, i don't know.

That's a really good point! If you remove "boyfriend" from the equation and say "Zoe has stated she's got limited funds so she's paying for X for herself but not her friends because it's her birthday and she's hosting. Is that okay?" I wonder if more people would say "You need to accommodate all guests equally and plan the party accordingly." ?