Author Topic: I need to own this  (Read 10379 times)

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Lynnv

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #15 on: October 04, 2012, 09:10:53 PM »
How about, "I'm afraid that the house is really at capacity for full-time occupants.  We are using the guest room for occasional guests, but would not want someone living there full time as it would just be too many people in the house."

And then when she whines that she wouldn't be that much trouble (and it sounds like she will), go with "I'm afraid that won't be possible."  Lather, rinse, repeat.
Lynn

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Calypso

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2012, 09:23:24 PM »
I like how she gets to decide what "resources" you "should" share----she evidently didn't have any moral issue with using your money without repayment, did she?

I appreciate that this is your friend and you don't want to offend her. I also like that you don't want to make it your roommates' fault---that's kind of you, but it *would* be ok to say "Jan and Mike and I talked it over, and we really don't want to have any more roommates. It just doesn't work for us, we're happy as we are." Then as long as you don't let someone else stay there, you're ok  ;)

"but whhhhhhy can't I just crash there? I won't be underfoot! I need the roooooom!"
"I know, and I'll  help you look for a place [if you are willing to do that, or even to just tell her what paper's website to look at, or something], but having another roommate just doesn't work for me this year."

(Notice how you can keep saying "another roommate" and not "we don't want YOU."

"But, I need it!"
"It doesn't work for me"
"But whhhhhhy"
"It doesn't work for me"
etc etc etc

Winterlight

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #17 on: October 04, 2012, 09:25:53 PM »
I think you said it yourself. You don't think it would be a good fit personality wise. It's true. If she's an adult, she'll accept that. Remember -- it's your flat and you decide who lives there.
If her feelings get hurt, that can be a time to assure her that you like her fine and are always pleased to see her when she comes around.

This.

Sorry, but I'm not interested in having any more boarders/roomies right now, so I think it is best you look at other options for somewhere to stay.

And if she presses...

The reasons why don't really matter since the decision is made. So, have you checked out that new Bean Dip cafe yet?

And this. You are not her mother and you have not taken her to raise. She is responsible for her own arrangements.

Start your own Summer of No!
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Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
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LeveeWoman

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #18 on: October 04, 2012, 09:29:34 PM »
I can't find the earlier thread about her. Can someone help?

Slartibartfast

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #19 on: October 04, 2012, 09:31:13 PM »
"Friend, even though we don't actually have anyone sleeping in that room, the [house/apartment/condo/whatever] just isn't large enough to add another person without us all driving each other around the bend."

Notice it's "that" room, not "her" room - try not to think of it as "hers" anymore because she's got no claim on it.

gramma dishes

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #20 on: October 04, 2012, 09:36:50 PM »
You don't need to give her a reason.  You know she's not going to pay you, so she wouldn't really be a "renter".  She'd be an unwelcome "guest".

Just say, "I'm sorry, but that really won't be possible.  You'll need to find somewhere else to stay."  You don't 'owe' her a reason.  Don't blame it on your new roommates.  Just tell her no.

Her:  "But I want to stay with youuuuuu."

You:  "No, it won't be possible." 

She only wants to stay with you because you're place is "free" as far as she's concerned.  No rent (that you'll actually MAKE her pay), no responsibilities.  Let her become someone else's problem!  Doodlemor has it right.  She isn't your friend, she's your moocher.  Don't let her even come for dinner, much less stay overnight.  As Doodlemor said, if you let her stay one night you'll never get rid of her.

buvezdevin

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #21 on: October 04, 2012, 10:05:36 PM »
This friend isn't the only person who you have posted about using, or potentially using the "but you have the resources, so you should..." card.

I mention this only to reinforce that you do own the decision, and the resources, and while your posts suggest you are a very giving person - *giving* is a choice.  Acceding to the expectations or demands of others is *being taken from*.

I hope that however you approach any communications with your friend, you really come to "feel" that your choices in how, when and with whom you share your home or any resources is a matter in which your thoughts, preferences and "wants" matter at least as much, or more than any "friend's" opinion on the matter.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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VorFemme

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #22 on: October 04, 2012, 10:24:34 PM »
Ugh, that's hard.
Can you couch it as personality, not bad?

I can imagine...
"friend, you know how there are people you adore but who you should never live with?  like how I get along so much better with my sister when we don't share a roof, but I want to beat her with her own arm, after I rip it off of her, when we share a house for more than 1 day?
I see the potential for that sort of personality conflict between you and the other housemates.  Since this is their house now, I just don't feel right imposing another room mate when I forsee the 3 of you together being oil and water"

Sounds more like magnesium & water (the sparks could be pretty - but really, really hot & bright)......

You could always rent it to her for an outrageous sum, in advance (say the amount she owes you - every two days) in cash and if it doesn't work out for any reason (her unfiltered mouth opening & something stinky spews out) - then she moves out right then, and no refunds.

But if you'd rather not have her in the house at all - go with "there just isn't room enough in this place for another person sharing the kitchen, bathroom, and living area for longer than a night or two - sorry - you'll have to make other arrangements because it just isn't going to WORK".
« Last Edit: October 04, 2012, 10:30:50 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Pippen

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #23 on: October 04, 2012, 10:36:47 PM »
I like how she gets to decide what "resources" you "should" share----she evidently didn't have any moral issue with using your money without repayment, did she?

I appreciate that this is your friend and you don't want to offend her. I also like that you don't want to make it your roommates' fault---that's kind of you, but it *would* be ok to say "Jan and Mike and I talked it over, and we really don't want to have any more roommates. It just doesn't work for us, we're happy as we are." Then as long as you don't let someone else stay there, you're ok  ;)

"but whhhhhhy can't I just crash there? I won't be underfoot! I need the roooooom!"
"I know, and I'll  help you look for a place [if you are willing to do that, or even to just tell her what paper's website to look at, or something], but having another roommate just doesn't work for me this year."

(Notice how you can keep saying "another roommate" and not "we don't want YOU."

"But, I need it!"
"It doesn't work for me"
"But whhhhhhy"
"It doesn't work for me"
etc etc etc

It's not so much her deciding as her knowing. "There is plenty of room. Why can't I stay?" On the surface one person would not be a huge burden but I am totally over putting myself out for other people and things they would see as a minor inconvenience I just see as a potential PITA I just can't be bothered with. "Oh your homeless. Well you can't stay here because I can't be bothered knocking on your bedroom door to get you to move your car 2 times a week."

 Everything is cool and relaxed and we all get on great and there are no dramas as it is. I am not going to disrupt that. It boils down to her personality and the opinions she holds on a range of things which are pretty difficult to address with someone without insulting them.

It is always going to be a 'No' I just wanted to case it in a way that she would understand but not be offended by and that doesn't involve the others. I don't care if she thinks I am a cow but the truth that she would drive them others nuts and/or offend them is a bit more than I am willing to handle. I may just bite the bullet and tell her "Yeah you are a bit of a racist and that doesn't go down well with me so living here is just not an option." She will deny it because it suits her purpose but too bad.

CakeEater

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #24 on: October 04, 2012, 10:38:21 PM »
Space in a house isn't just bedrooms. It's living space, and kitchens and bathrooms. Three adults (and a new baby?) sounds like more than enough people in a house to me.

And if you're worried about hurting flaky friend's feelings, think about the feelings of your current housemates if you let someone live there who is likely to drive them nuts and potentially take advantage of all of you.

WillyNilly

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #25 on: October 04, 2012, 10:40:00 PM »
Just don't explain. She can push you for an explaination, she can whine or beg, she can get angry, but that's on her. You can just keep repeating "no. I'm not getting into why, there's a bunch of little reasons that individually are minor but together just mean 'no'."  She might ask "what are they?" And you can keep saying "no. I'm not getting into the reasons. You will just pick them apart as minor and I don't want to get into it because the answer is 'no'." And just keep repeating it until you have the opportunity to walk away or get off the phone... which by the way you should! The best[/i] tactic I think here is ending the conversation as quickly as possible. Some people are 'beandip' folks. With this woman I suggest as soon as she brings up the living situation you end the conversation completely.

TootsNYC

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #26 on: October 04, 2012, 10:53:00 PM »
I know this is blunt, but...Why are you so worried about offending her?  Is she a friend?  Can she make your life miserable if you don't give her a place to stay?

All of the reasons you gave are JADEing and won't do either of you any favors.  Since you can't (won't) tell her NO, I think you need to pull out the old "I'm afraid that won't be possible" and you need to own this "it is actually my decision after assessing all the pros and cons.

I'm w/ PastryGoddess.

And I think the money SHOULD be an issue. Maybe you've forgiven the past debt, but why put yourself in the position of having it done to you again? She knows you didn't squawk the last time--so why would she be financially responsible the next?

It doesn't have to be about "I'm still mad"--make it be "it wouldn't be a good thing for us to risk that happening again."

Frankly, I think you should offend her, so she'll leave you alone.

Don't worry--there are PLENTY of other people who will love to take advantage of you!

And remember--YOU know it's her personality.  That doesn't mean you have to tell her. Stop JADE-ing to us, and just take the identical advice we're giving you.

"It doesn't work for me right now." And then when she asks why, look really surprised. "I told you--it doesn't work for me right now."


gramma dishes

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #27 on: October 04, 2012, 10:59:30 PM »

...   "It doesn't work for me right now." And then when she asks why, look really surprised. "I told you--it doesn't work for me right now."

The only problem I see with this is the use of the words "right now".  That would be heard by her that Pippen is saying, "Not right now, but maybe later."  So then she'd just push for 'later' to become 'in the very near future'.  Like right now.  :-\

That's why I prefer "It won't be possible."  There's no hope being offered that the situation will ever change in the future and all she has to do is talk Pippen into it.

Amara

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #28 on: October 04, 2012, 11:04:08 PM »
I feel that if you say anything more than "No" you are going to give her room to come back at you. Even an "it isn't possible" leaves her arguments to bring up. OP, you do need to own your own opinions. Using others like your current roommates as an excuse just weakens you as a person in her eyes. All this moocher has to do, she thinks, is overcome the objections of someone else and she will if she keeps on you to do just that.

It is your house. It is your decision. It is your responsibility. Sloughing off the responsibility onto others ("my roommates won't like it") not only is impolite to them but it, as I said, above makes you a weak person in the moocher's eyes.

gramma dishes

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #29 on: October 04, 2012, 11:11:57 PM »
How about "Sorry, I don't want to do that."  or "Sorry, I'm not going to do that."   Is that rude?