Author Topic: I need to own this  (Read 10181 times)

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Pippen

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #30 on: October 04, 2012, 11:12:55 PM »
I feel that if you say anything more than "No" you are going to give her room to come back at you. Even an "it isn't possible" leaves her arguments to bring up. OP, you do need to own your own opinions. Using others like your current roommates as an excuse just weakens you as a person in her eyes. All this moocher has to do, she thinks, is overcome the objections of someone else and she will if she keeps on you to do just that.

It is your house. It is your decision. It is your responsibility. Sloughing off the responsibility onto others ("my roommates won't like it") not only is impolite to them but it, as I said, above makes you a weak person in the moocher's eyes.

Exactly. That is why I am not doing it. I am the one drawing the line but it is based primarily on consideration for them. I told them of the situation and they were not keen (having met her) and I assured them I knew it would be a problem and that I would sort it. I am not trying to use them as an excuse I am just coming up with a way that is robust and doesn't implicate others

buvezdevin

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #31 on: October 04, 2012, 11:23:09 PM »
I feel that if you say anything more than "No" you are going to give her room to come back at you. Even an "it isn't possible" leaves her arguments to bring up. OP, you do need to own your own opinions. Using others like your current roommates as an excuse just weakens you as a person in her eyes. All this moocher has to do, she thinks, is overcome the objections of someone else and she will if she keeps on you to do just that.

It is your house. It is your decision. It is your responsibility. Sloughing off the responsibility onto others ("my roommates won't like it") not only is impolite to them but it, as I said, above makes you a weak person in the moocher's eyes.

Agree with this.

Pippen, if this person or anyone you know is without lodgings, that is not your problem to solve.  Whether you have a bedroom available or not does not obligate you to have anyone share your home unless you choose to do so.  You also do not owe anyone an explanation for why you won't open your home for their residence.

*Anyone* who would question or argue with "no" as an answer to a request to live with that person is not likely to hear any reason as valid, it would be just a hurdle to overcome in getting the answer that person wants.  Don't let this friend or anyone burn your energy in a frustrating exercise. 

Own the "no."
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
Mark Twain

PastryGoddess

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #32 on: October 04, 2012, 11:28:44 PM »
I feel that if you say anything more than "No" you are going to give her room to come back at you. Even an "it isn't possible" leaves her arguments to bring up. OP, you do need to own your own opinions. Using others like your current roommates as an excuse just weakens you as a person in her eyes. All this moocher has to do, she thinks, is overcome the objections of someone else and she will if she keeps on you to do just that.

It is your house. It is your decision. It is your responsibility. Sloughing off the responsibility onto others ("my roommates won't like it") not only is impolite to them but it, as I said, above makes you a weak person in the moocher's eyes.

Exactly. That is why I am not doing it. I am the one drawing the line but it is based primarily on consideration for them. I told them of the situation and they were not keen (having met her) and I assured them I knew it would be a problem and that I would sort it. I am not trying to use them as an excuse I am just coming up with a way that is robust and doesn't implicate others

The bolded above are mutually exclusive. 
Why are you drawing the line based on your roommates wants and needs?  Taking the roommates out of the equation, what do YOU want? If you did not have roommates, would you say no to her? Why can't you just say NO and be ok with the fact that YOU don't want her there?  You need to do what's best for you, not what's best for everyone BUT you.  Ultimately, it's your home and your space, and you have to be OK with the decisions that you make. 

You also mentioned "It's not so much her deciding as her knowing" in regards to the amount of space that you have.  Why is this even an issue?  I personally know plenty of people who have space for me and my 3 cats.  However, me knowing they have the space, doesn't mean that I get to decide that I'm moving in at the date and time of my choosing. 

Calypso

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #33 on: October 04, 2012, 11:32:45 PM »
So my old flatmate who had to move back home has indicated she is moving back to my area for the summer and has asked if she can have her old room back. 

I know. No excuses. No JADEing. I'm afraid that won't be possible. But she would get seriously offended and I really don't want to tell her the truth as it looks like I am passing the buck and that the couple would have a problem with her when it is actually my decision after assessing all the pros and cons. It comes down to the simple fact it would just not be a good fit. If the dynamics were different I would probably say yes but as it stands it has to be a no.

I need to put the onus and the reasons for this decision back on me but all I have is a weak explanation which she would see right through and would be able to negate or try and circumvent. I have to give her something other than a flat out no but I have no idea what.

Uh.....telling her plain "No" would be offensive, but telling her you think she's a racist wouldn't be?  ???

Pippen

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #34 on: October 04, 2012, 11:58:01 PM »
So my old flatmate who had to move back home has indicated she is moving back to my area for the summer and has asked if she can have her old room back. 

I know. No excuses. No JADEing. I'm afraid that won't be possible. But she would get seriously offended and I really don't want to tell her the truth as it looks like I am passing the buck and that the couple would have a problem with her when it is actually my decision after assessing all the pros and cons. It comes down to the simple fact it would just not be a good fit. If the dynamics were different I would probably say yes but as it stands it has to be a no.

I need to put the onus and the reasons for this decision back on me but all I have is a weak explanation which she would see right through and would be able to negate or try and circumvent. I have to give her something other than a flat out no but I have no idea what.

Uh.....telling her plain "No" would be offensive, but telling her you think she's a racist wouldn't be?  ???

Well at least her being a racist is something I can nail my colours to. She won't change it. I won't accept it. She knows she is so it is not new information whereas "your personality is not a good fit" is a bit close to the bone and leaves lots of scope for getting into territory and expansion I just can't be bothered with.

It's not like she is dressing up in white sheets and harrassing the locals with burning crosses but it was denigrating and narrow minded and totally out of line. I would rather give her something hard and unequivocal  than something fluffly and easily dismissed or got around.

Calypso

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #35 on: October 05, 2012, 12:13:06 AM »
Sounds like you're good to go, then.

May we have an update after you talk with her? 8)

Pippen

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #36 on: October 05, 2012, 12:33:39 AM »
Sounds like you're good to go, then.

May we have an update after you talk with her? 8)

Of course. But knowing her MO it will be a "She turned up on my door at 8 am after sleeping in her car because she got freaked out by the known local nutjob/drug dealer she was hanging out with and didn't have anywhere else to go and thinks she is staying" Thread in about 2 weeks time.

Deetee

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #37 on: October 05, 2012, 02:40:51 AM »
Sounds like you're good to go, then.

May we have an update after you talk with her? 8)

Of course. But knowing her MO it will be a "She turned up on my door at 8 am after sleeping in her car because she got freaked out by the known local nutjob/drug dealer she was hanging out with and didn't have anywhere else to go and thinks she is staying" Thread in about 2 weeks time.

And you follow that up with "oh what a shame. Here's the address of the homeless shelter or hotel" and we will all cheer!

Back to the original situation. You have two choices.
1) Tell her no and she yells for a bit and you get to be miserable for 15 minutes
2) Tell her yes and you get to miserable for ages.

LEMon

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #38 on: October 05, 2012, 02:53:31 AM »
I would build a steel spine now.  You just wrote that she will use her situation to manipulate you.  Have a hostel number ready and give it to her. 

Why let her steal more of your energy, money, or space?

Why?

pwy a wyr

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #39 on: October 05, 2012, 03:03:26 AM »

Pippen, how about "friend, we tried you living here before and it didn't work. I love you and we get on much better when we don't live together." then if she goes on, you could bring up the racist stuff and the little things that made her a PITA to live with. But always end it with "no, it's not going to work", sounding more frustrated each time that she's not getting it. Basically, she needs to know she's annoying you by continuing.

siamesecat2965

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #40 on: October 05, 2012, 08:52:12 AM »
I know this is blunt, but...Why are you so worried about offending her?  Is she a friend?  Can she make your life miserable if you don't give her a place to stay?

All of the reasons you gave are JADEing and won't do either of you any favors.  Since you can't (won't) tell her NO, I think you need to pull out the old "I'm afraid that won't be possible" and you need to own this "it is actually my decision after assessing all the pros and cons.

I agree. A simple "I'm sorry but that's not possible" or someething in that vein is all you need to tell her, and if she gets offended, so be it.  If she then gets PA saying she'll have to stay at the office, her parents, a friend's garage, so be it.  Her housing issues are not your problem.  The only explanation you owe her is that she cannot come back and live with you. You owe her nothing, and if she gets offended or upset, its not your problem.

GrammarNerd

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #41 on: October 05, 2012, 08:55:14 AM »

Pippen, how about "friend, we tried you living here before and it didn't work. I love you and we get on much better when we don't live together." then if she goes on, you could bring up the racist stuff and the little things that made her a PITA to live with. But always end it with "no, it's not going to work", sounding more frustrated each time that she's not getting it. Basically, she needs to know she's annoying you by continuing.

I like the getting annoyed thing.  And if she keeps arguing with you and pressing you about it, after that, you can very honestly say, "And see?  THIS is EXACTLY why this won't work again.  You're not even living here and you won't abide by my decisions.  I made a decision about MY home and living space, and you're ARGUING with me about it.  It's obvious that if you WERE living here, that would only get worse. So no way."

Winterlight

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #42 on: October 05, 2012, 09:11:28 AM »
Sounds like you're good to go, then.

May we have an update after you talk with her? 8)

Of course. But knowing her MO it will be a "She turned up on my door at 8 am after sleeping in her car because she got freaked out by the known local nutjob/drug dealer she was hanging out with and didn't have anywhere else to go and thinks she is staying" Thread in about 2 weeks time.

*heads to stash of platinum spines- it can't be that expensive to ship one to NZ*

At which point you will say, "No, you can't stay here." Won't you?
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To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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Redsoil

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #43 on: October 05, 2012, 09:22:18 AM »
Pippen, after reading your posts on various issues for some time, it really does seem that you almost invite difficult issues into your life.  There seem to have been multiple instances of people in your life causing drama.

This may come across as harsh, but maybe it's worth really looking at your interactions with others, especially with regard to actually being valued for yourself, as opposed to what you can provide for them.  It comes across very strongly (to me, at least) that you interact with many who feel you should "provide" for them.  It also seems they don't have a lot of respect for you. 

Perhaps it's time to start valuing yourself, rather than feeling you have to portray a certain persona so others will "like" you?

Just a thought.  Good luck with it all.
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Morticia

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #44 on: October 05, 2012, 09:44:09 AM »
Did you tell her you have forgiven the debt? Otherwise, every time she talks about moving in, just say, "No, you still owe me money from last time." If you did, tell her that you can not allow her to need to be forgiven again. You wouldn't dream of putting her in that position.
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