Author Topic: I need to own this  (Read 10449 times)

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Steve

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #45 on: October 05, 2012, 09:49:13 AM »
I do not see why you can not use "I am afraid it is not possible." And if she pushes the issue you can always say: "Based on my previous experiences with you I have decided against it." Still pushing: "I will not discuss this any further, the decision is final." And put the last one on rinse lather repeat.



Bexx27

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #46 on: October 05, 2012, 10:23:32 AM »
It seems you have 2 goals:

1. Not being a doormat.
2. Not offending someone who will get offended if you don't allow her to walk all over you.

These goals are incompatible. You can either go through life allowing yourself to be used, or you can stand up for yourself and accept that the users won't like it. Just because someone is offended doesn't make you rude or mean.
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

PastryGoddess

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #47 on: October 05, 2012, 11:53:04 AM »
Pippen, after reading your posts on various issues for some time, it really does seem that you almost invite difficult issues into your life.  There seem to have been multiple instances of people in your life causing drama.

This may come across as harsh, but maybe it's worth really looking at your interactions with others, especially with regard to actually being valued for yourself, as opposed to what you can provide for them.  It comes across very strongly (to me, at least) that you interact with many who feel you should "provide" for them.  It also seems they don't have a lot of respect for you. 

Perhaps it's time to start valuing yourself, rather than feeling you have to portray a certain persona so others will "like" you?

Just a thought.  Good luck with it all.

POD to this.

Looking back at my posts I realized that I am frustrated FOR you because you seem to value yourself and your wants and needs so little.  However, this did not give me the right to basically badger you on your own thread.  I apologize for that.

peach2play

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #48 on: October 05, 2012, 11:55:35 AM »
Please realize why you don't want to tell her no.  It's not that you can't, it's that you want a line you can give her that will keep you from having to deal with her emotional blackmail/drama for saying no.  Recognize that the short term pain of standing up to her and using No as a complete sentence will save you a lot of long term pain from having to live with her and look at other areas in your life that you do this.  What do you do to avoid short term pain that gets you long term pain as a consequence.  I'll bet you'll be surprised. 

camlan

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #49 on: October 05, 2012, 12:10:07 PM »
So my old flatmate who had to move back home has indicated she is moving back to my area for the summer and has asked if she can have her old room back. It just simply isn't going to work for a number of reasons but the main one being I think she would drive the couple I have here now absolutely spare. They are pretty quiet and reserved and she is kind of flighty and pretty full on. I can't however point this out to her and all the other reasons sound a bit lame like "It would just be too hectic", "It would make parking a PITA", "I have people coming to stay over summer and need that room" etc.

I know. No excuses. No JADEing. I'm afraid that won't be possible. But she would get seriously offended and I really don't want to tell her the truth as it looks like I am passing the buck and that the couple would have a problem with her when it is actually my decision after assessing all the pros and cons. It comes down to the simple fact it would just not be a good fit. If the dynamics were different I would probably say yes but as it stands it has to be a no.

I need to put the onus and the reasons for this decision back on me but all I have is a weak explanation which she would see right through and would be able to negate or try and circumvent. I have to give her something other than a flat out no but I have no idea what.

Why?

Why are you so upset about the idea of upsetting this woman, who has stolen from you (by not paying you) and is a racist? What does she bring into your life that you are so concerned about upsetting her?

I think you are looking for some magic formula that will allow you to tell her "no" while at the same time not upsetting her.

Unfortunately, that magic formula doesn't exist.

Either you upset her by telling her no, or you allow her to stay with you--then she's happy and you are upset.

Why do you value her feelings above your own? Someone is going to be upset here. Why can't it be her? Why should it be you?

Prepare yourself that she will be upset. Figure out how you are going to deal with that. Then just tell her "no, you can't stay here."
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Only me

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #50 on: October 05, 2012, 12:15:22 PM »
Pippen,

I think you're doing a great job at learning to value yourself (although I can see why Redsoil and Patry Goddess" brought it up). In the past few threads I've read of yours, standing up for yourself is not the issue, its how to that is sometimes a challenge.

From my experience I had 2 roomies and didn't realize until one left how oppressive the place was (the others two didn't really get along). Now whenever anyone asks about staying, Yes is only said if it'll work for the whole house hold. Just don't go back to the thinking "it'll only be for a few days". you've got calm and peace in your household now and its worth keeping.

Also consider if you do let her stay, even for a few days, is it worth risking your good relationship with your current roomies and face the prospect of loosing respect for you.

Me me me

gwennan

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #51 on: October 05, 2012, 12:26:43 PM »
It seems you have 2 goals:

1. Not being a doormat.
2. Not offending someone who will get offended if you don't allow her to walk all over you.

These goals are incompatible. You can either go through life allowing yourself to be used, or you can stand up for yourself and accept that the users won't like it. Just because someone is offended doesn't make you rude or mean.

Bexx has nailed it, here.  Pippen, there is NO WAY to avoid offending someone who wants to take advantage of you while simultaneously maintaining healthy boundaries.    I know that's hard to accept  :-\

Tia2

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #52 on: October 05, 2012, 03:27:03 PM »
Bear in mind that if you do let her move in, you may well lose your current tenants.

Renting a room from a landlady has a completely different vibe to a shared house IMHO.  Neither is bad or wrong, but if I rented one and it turned into the other, I would be annoyed and would be looking to see if this was grounds to break the lease.

VorFemme

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #53 on: October 05, 2012, 05:13:12 PM »
You have a choice - drama now over telling her "no" or drama later after she moves in "temporarily" and demonstrates WHY you didn't want her moving in.

She's the star in her own life, the rest of you are bit players, and you are not supposed to do anything but follow her script.

Just say "NO"! - it'll save a world of trouble.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

TootsNYC

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #54 on: October 05, 2012, 05:39:54 PM »
I have to give her something other than a flat out no

Why?

Why are you so upset about the idea of upsetting this woman, who has stolen from you (by not paying you) and is a racist? What does she bring into your life that you are so concerned about upsetting her?

And who hangs out with local nutjobs/drug dealers.

Pippen, you are making your life more difficult than it needs to be.


And peach2play has some really valuable insight:

Quote
Recognize that the short term pain of standing up to her and using No as a complete sentence will save you a lot of long term pain from having to live with her and look at other areas in your life that you do this.

Kaypeep

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #55 on: October 05, 2012, 06:33:03 PM »
I know this is blunt, but...Why are you so worried about offending her?  Is she a friend?  Can she make your life miserable if you don't give her a place to stay?

All of the reasons you gave are JADEing and won't do either of you any favors.  Since you can't (won't) tell her NO, I think you need to pull out the old "I'm afraid that won't be possible" and you need to own this "it is actually my decision after assessing all the pros and cons.

I'm w/ PastryGoddess.

And I think the money SHOULD be an issue. Maybe you've forgiven the past debt, but why put yourself in the position of having it done to you again? She knows you didn't squawk the last time--so why would she be financially responsible the next?

It doesn't have to be about "I'm still mad"--make it be "it wouldn't be a good thing for us to risk that happening again."

Frankly, I think you should offend her, so she'll leave you alone.

Don't worry--there are PLENTY of other people who will love to take advantage of you!

And remember--YOU know it's her personality.  That doesn't mean you have to tell her. Stop JADE-ing to us, and just take the identical advice we're giving you.

"It doesn't work for me right now." And then when she asks why, look really surprised. "I told you--it doesn't work for me right now."

POD to all of this.  I think you need to practice saying no, it seems to be difficult for you and I suspect this ex-boarder knows it, which is why she keeps gravitating back to you.  Give her your answer and end the discussion.  It's not a debate.  She's asking you a yes or no question and your answer is no.  She is not entitled to a reason.

ExBoarder: HOw about I stay in my old room again?  I can move in next week.
Pippen:  No, I'm afraid that's not possible.  I'm not taking on more boarders.
ExBoarder:  But why?
Pippen:  Because I said so.  You asked me a question and I answered it.  I'm sorry it's not the answer you wanted, but it's my answer all the same.  I'm afraid this conversation is not open for debate, and I consider the subject closed.

Seriously, practice and practice some more.  I don't mean to be offensive, but you keep posting for advice on how to be polite to this person who keeps using you.  The only thing you don't seem to be doing is saying no to  her.    I really think you need to start practicing saying no, this way you won't be creating these awkward problems down the road, and the causes of these dilemmas (ie" the moochers) will eventually leave you alone.  There are several people on this board who can attest that this method of "no" really does work.  It's hard at first, but it gets easier and no one is worse off for saying no.  In fact, most of them will tell you their lives improved by saying NO to the moochers!

Kaypeep

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #56 on: October 05, 2012, 06:42:08 PM »
So my old flatmate who had to move back home has indicated she is moving back to my area for the summer and has asked if she can have her old room back. It just simply isn't going to work for a number of reasons but the main one being I think she would drive the couple I have here now absolutely spare. They are pretty quiet and reserved and she is kind of flighty and pretty full on. I can't however point this out to her and all the other reasons sound a bit lame like "It would just be too hectic", "It would make parking a PITA", "I have people coming to stay over summer and need that room" etc.

I know. No excuses. No JADEing. I'm afraid that won't be possible. But she would get seriously offended and I really don't want to tell her the truth as it looks like I am passing the buck and that the couple would have a problem with her when it is actually my decision after assessing all the pros and cons. It comes down to the simple fact it would just not be a good fit. If the dynamics were different I would probably say yes but as it stands it has to be a no.

I need to put the onus and the reasons for this decision back on me but all I have is a weak explanation which she would see right through and would be able to negate or try and circumvent. I have to give her something other than a flat out no but I have no idea what.

Why?

Why are you so upset about the idea of upsetting this woman, who has stolen from you (by not paying you) and is a racist? What does she bring into your life that you are so concerned about upsetting her?

I think you are looking for some magic formula that will allow you to tell her "no" while at the same time not upsetting her.

Unfortunately, that magic formula doesn't exist.

Either you upset her by telling her no, or you allow her to stay with you--then she's happy and you are upset.

Why do you value her feelings above your own? Someone is going to be upset here. Why can't it be her? Why should it be you?

Prepare yourself that she will be upset. Figure out how you are going to deal with that. Then just tell her "no, you can't stay here."


THIS.  SO MUCH THIS! 
You are looking for magic words to make an unreasonable person see reason.  It's not going to happen.  Stop trying to let her down easy.  If she shows up on your doorstep, don't answer the door.  Call the police if you must if she won't go away or camps out in your yard.  You do not owe her anything.    If she fights you like this trying to wear you down, you owe here even less consideration because  she's showing she's using you and has no consideration of your feelings or decisions.  The only way this is going to end is to make her realize you will not relent.  Once you do it, I believe she'll go away for good because she knows you won't back down anymore and cave in to her.

Julian

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #57 on: October 05, 2012, 07:06:20 PM »
Pippen, let me tell you a story...

Like you, I tend to take in waifs and strays.  This hasn't always been beneficial for me, let me tell ya!

Several years ago when I first moved to Tasmania, I helped out a friend - he'd lost his home (share house, other person moved overseas).  He needed somewhere to crash, so he stayed with me.  No probs, it was nice to have someone there (I'd just ended a longterm relationship and was feeling the end of the world and the echoes of lonely rooms).  Roomie ended up moving interstate for a job.

A year or so later, he's back in Tassie.  No job now.  He came to stay with me.  He wasn't paying board or anything.  Then he borrowed money.  Then more money.  I'd not long bought a new car, so I let him use the old one.  Then the parking tickets (in my name) started coming in.  So they all got returned with stat decs (because I sure as heck hadn't got the tickets!).  I eventually signed over the old car to him - his tickets, his problem.

Then he started working cash jobs at a pub in the city, about 40 minutes away from home.  He'd drink, so he'd end up crashed out in the car overnight, or find some random to crash with.  He was home less and less.  Never paid me back any of the money he owed.  And still the parking tickets kept arriving in the mail, along with older tickets that had gone through the court system, and then the summonses started.

Meanwhile Roomie, presumably now ex-Roomie, just didn't start coming home at all.  Next I see on FB he's moved 2 hours away to live with his elderly parents.  And yeah I still have some of his stuff here in my home.  Last time I saw Roomie (oops, ex-Roomie) was September last year.  And STILL the tickets, summonses etc arrive in the mail.  I now have a canvas tote bag stuffed with them - I don't have an address to send them.  And that's not counting the ones that got returned to sender.

October last year another Friend moved down from Queensland to live with me (different bedroom to ex-Roomie).  Friend is at home one day when the police turn up, looking for ex-Roomie.  No she says, she's never met him and she's been here since October.  No problem, the cops leave a card.  I call them back and speak to them, tell them what's happened.  All seems fine, however summonses etc continue to arrive.

Three days ago I see on FB that ex-Roomie's elderly parents are packing it in and moving to a retirement village, which means ex-Roomie is now, once more, looking for a place to hang his shorts.  And yesterday, once more, Friend had a visit from the police looking for him.  They wanted to speak to me, I told them the story again, hopefully this time my home will not be listed as ex-Roomie's home any more and we will be left in peace.  I suspect not, but I can always hope.

Now, ex-Roomie hasn't asked if he can come back here.  I would hope he realises that with the drama I've had that I will not be welcoming.  But if he does ask, the answer will be a resounding no.  No, no, no.  I shouldn't need to provide a reason, he knows what he's done.  Whilst I have sympathy for anyone in his situation, it doesn't mean that I need to lay down and act the doormat and provide for them.  His problems are 99.9% self inflicted, and it isn't my job to fix them for him. 

Now, virtual cookies  timtams if you got through that!

Pippen, your moocher friend knows why you don't want her back, she just doesn't care.  It sounds like my ex-Roomie and your moocher friend have a lot in common.  Just tell her no when she asks.  She really doesn't need a reason, she knows the reason.  And you know what?  You don't need a reason either.  It is YOUR house, hun.  It is your decision who you live with.  If she can't respect that, she isn't a friend and doesn't deserve your headspace.

Good luck!  Pity there's no exterminator company that deals with persistent moocher problems, they'd have a great business!


Minmom3

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #58 on: October 05, 2012, 11:10:08 PM »
What sometimes helps me with pushy people is to flat out TELL THEM to "stop pushing me. You have my answer."  Like others have said, she KNOWS what she did that you didn't like - she failed to pay rent, she's been racist and resisted even being quiet about it in front of you, she's a flake, etc.  You don't have a magic wand to make her happy with your refusal.  You DO have roomies who will be unhappy if you relent, and you'll be angry with yourself if you relent.  When she pushes, tell her to stop, and stop talking to her - either hang up or walk away.  She can't argue with an empty space, so you need to leave her/hang up so all she HAS is the empty space.
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marylou

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Re: I need to own this
« Reply #59 on: October 06, 2012, 08:46:31 PM »
When faced with a situation like this, I bring to the front of my mind an interview I saw with Oprah Winfrey. She gets asked to talk/donate/do favors/ host/ you-name-it for literally thousands of organizations. She said offering an excuse is pointless. She finally learned to handle it by leaning in closely to the person asking, smiling and shaking her head all the while and saying, "I am so sorry, but I won't be able to do that".

Rest assured they will ask in a different way. You just keep smiling and saying, "I'm so sorry, I just can't."

Period. End of discussion.