Funeral/memorial service attendance

[kingsrings]

It's not really an etiquette issue much, but just something I am curious about. When a funeral and/or memorial service is held, who exactly attends outside of the obvious (family and friends of the deceased)? Do you still attend even if you didn't know the deceased, such as it's a family member of a friend? This issue has come up several times in the past with me and I'm sure will come up again in the future, and I've never known quite what to do. I don't have a lot of experience in these matters, I've only attended a few of these in my life and they were for family members and one co-worker. I'm always good about sending a condolence card and maybe a donation, but I never know if it's "okay" as well to attend the service. I would never want to appear as if I'm now butting into someone's private business or like I'm some morbidity fan who is just going because of that.

[Brentwood]

If I did not know the deceased but was a close friend of a family member, I would go if that friend expressed a need for the moral support. Otherwise, I would not go.

If the service is open, I don't think it's an etiquette violation to go to a funeral for someone you did not know, though.

[blue_bunny_paz]

I'm not sure if there's a hard and fast rule but if it's an "open" funeral - as in open to anyone - then supporting a friend may well be a commendable thing. I would imagine that it would be the responsibility of the family member / close friend to ask what is appropriate. I have only ever attended fairly large funerals so I couldn't say what is done in the case of very small funerals. I would imagine the smaller a funeral the less appropriate it is for "outsiders" to attend.

Family only is family only, and I'm sure we'd all expect that, but if you have been asked then I feel it is a brave and supportive thing to attend.

What do other people think? It's a time when you have to be very careful not to offend or intrude.

[Sharnita]

It is definitely OK to go the service, visitation, whatever of a friend's family member. Same with co-worker. The only way I would do that was if I was told the deceased was having a "private" funeral. Not only is it not rude, it is very kind. The pnly way it migth be rude would be if you expected friend to sit/talk exclusively with you.

I have been to funerals of family, family member's family (from the other side), co-workers, friends' family members, students, students' family members, etc.

[kingsrings]

Sometimes it's unclear whether the family has expressed a desire for their friends to attend a memorial service or not. There have been instances where I've received a mass-sent email from someone (a church friend or aquaintance, for example) announcing that so-and-so's mother has died and can we keep them in our prayers, etc., and sometimes that will include the memorial service info as well. It's unclear whether the sender is just including that or if they are doing that at the wishes of the family.

I'm also an emotional and sensitive person who cries easily, so I would hate to do that when I don't even know the deceased and therefore inappropriate.

[truefarmgirl]

It might depend on your location. I've noticed that in my small town it's totally appropriate to attend viewings and services to support the family, but in the larger city near us, people don't do that. You only attend services if you knew the person.
Personally I don't see anything wrong with it, but it would depend on how comfortable you are with the situation.

[Gileswench]

As others have said, I don't think there's a real hard and fast rule on this. If your friend's family is very private they may be offended. If they are more expansive, they may be touched and pleased.

I can only speak from my own experience, but here's what happened and how I felt about it. When my mother died, a very good friend of mine had to travel a long distance to come to the memorial, but she arranged the time off work, the travel and everything because she had been nearly as close to my mother as she was to me. It was important for her to be there, and it meant a lot to my family that she went to so much trouble to be there.

She had been dating a guy for a couple months then. None of us had gotten the chance to meet him yet, and she wasn't sure it was okay if he came along, but he was determined. He was worried about how broken up she was and wanted to support her. Everyone in my family was deeply impressed with his willingness to put himself in what must have been an uncomfortable position to help her cope at a difficult time. In between making sure my friend was okay, he quietly helped the whole family deal with little things we were too spaced-out and confused to think of. He didn't intrude in any way, but he seemed to notice things like when plates were emptying at the wake and when one of us didn't seem to have eaten or drunk anything for too long. He'd take a platter into the kitchen or nudge a glass nearer one of our hands, or bring a box of Kleenex a little closer. Just little things like that. We were grateful.

Oh, and my friend and her boyfriend? Have now been married for nearly twenty years and have two beautiful children. He's a terrific guy. I knew it the first time I met him.

[kingsrings]

It might depend on your location. I've noticed that in my small town it's totally appropriate to attend viewings and services to support the family, but in the larger city near us, people don't do that. You only attend services if you knew the person.
Personally I don't see anything wrong with it, but it would depend on how comfortable you are with the situation.

I've noticed that, too. When my grandfather died suddenly a year and a half ago, the funeral was in the small town that he had raised his family in. Quite a few people were at his funeral that we didn't seem to know. It didn't really matter either way if they were there or not IMHO, because I understood that that was accommon practice in small towns. One of my former co-workers was from Fiji, and she told me that when someone dies in their culture, funerals are often very large as many people attend, regardless of whether they knew the person or not.

I live in a mid-size city, somewhere between small and big, so I don't know what the culture is around here.

[MadMadge43]

In my circle of friends and co-workers we always go to the funeral or memorial service of somebody's relatives, even if we've never met them. We are supporting our friend and want to let them know that we are there for them.

I know I appreciated them when they came to my father's visitation. In fact my out of town relatives were impressed at the amount of my friends and co-workers that showed up.

We had a housekeeper whose brother died and I was elected to go to the funeral to represent the company. I had never been treated as such a special guest and kept asking her if she wanted to go talk to others that were there and she just held on to me and wouldn't let me go. After that we had a whole new relationship because I was the one showed up.