Stressing over impossible giftee

[Calypso]

If you have a list of things she wants (I assume you do, since you know they all cost at least $60), can you check eBay or something similar for deals on those things? You may find her a $60 gift for $5......and have $15 left to buy some more chocolate  (that cake looks AMAZING  )

[Redsoil]

What about something interesting from Etsy?  They have some really original items that might possibly cater to her taste.  Otherwise, what about a ticket to an event - a play she may enjoy or something?

[camlan]

Beth clearly has no idea how rude she is acting, in disparaging every gift she receives. It's behavior I could understand in a five-year-old, but not an adult.

I would stop stressing over this gift completely. Accept the fact that you can't make her happy, no matter what gift you get, and move on.

MindsEye has a good idea--point out, gently and politely that none of her suggestions fall into the price range. Hint, not so subtly, that if she doesn't give you a list that falls in the price range, she's going to get whatever you think she might like that does meet the price requirements.

I know you would like to give her a gift and see her face light up when she opens the package. You want to give the gift of joy when you give someone a present. It's just that Beth can't get to that place. She places too much emphasis on the gift itself and not the thought behind the gift.

She's clearly not bake-worthy and I doubt she'd appreciate any other handmade gift, so don't go that route. If you know a designer or brand that she likes, and there are any outlet stores for them in your area, see if you can't find something small, like a key ring. Then you can give her a gift from a designer she likes, with the gift receipt so that she can return it and use the money towards something else from that store. But really, I don't think she's worth that much effort.

[GreenEyedHawk]

Ohhhh yeah my sister is like this.  EXACTLY like this.  I totally feel your pain.  To be honest, I've given up really putting in any effort beyond finding out what shops I know she likes, so I can give her a gift card.  She's going to complain, is Beth.  It won't matter what you get her.  I know it's really hard not to let it get to you (I can't believe she didn't like a chocolate cake!  It looks spectacular and who doesn't like cake??) when she reacts boorishly to a gift you've given, but just try to remember, that reflects much more poorly on her than it does on you.

Last Christmas, my sister had purchased her first house, after only having previously lived in condos.  The house she bought needed a little work, so I got her a gift card to Home Depot.  There had to be SOMEthing there she could use, right?  Building or repair materials, paint, something decorative, a yard ornament, plants or flowers, something.  She opened the card I'd stuck the GC in, saw what it was and said, "Oh, I don't know if I'll EVER use this."  If I had to describe her tone, I'd say she sounded snotty.  Tired of always garnering this reaction no matter how good a gift I got or how much effort I put in, I leaned across to her and plucked the gift card out of her hands, saying, "Oh, well, I'll have it back then."  She latched on to that card like I was trying to take her firstborn, let me tell you.  In a puzzled tone, I said, "But I thought you said you weren't going to use it.  I don't want to burden you with something you don't want and won't use."

She changed her tone and kept and used the card (of course) though I often wonder if what I did was retaliatory rudeness.  Also, I really wonder if she'll remember that this year and what Christmas is going to be like.

[25wishes]

How about something completely different, like a "gift" of a charitable donation in her name? Maybe start a trend, who knows.

[Amava]

How about something completely different, like a "gift" of a charitable donation in her name? Maybe start a trend, who knows.

A goat!!!
But I think the majority on e-hell doesn't approve of that unless the recipient really wants it.

[Rohanna]

I would point-blank ask her to come up with a list of 3-5 or so things *in the price range* of the exchange that she'd like. If she protests that there's "nothing" in the range that she'd like, I would be blunt and say "well what do you suggest I do then if you can't think of something either? You know you are never happy with the things we pick out for you".  If she still won't co-operate, I'd  inform her she would be getting a check for the amount of the exchange in a nice card. Being that picky about presents is usually a form of power-play, and the easy way to knock the fun out of that game is to refuse to participate and to call them on it.

If she does come up with some things, pick something on the lower end of the list, and add a inexpensive, maybe handmade "surprise" or a nice card to personalize it more.

I've had picky giftees before, and I've found turning it around on them either smartens them up, or absolves me from guilt or blame when the exchange happens, because you can honestly point out that you tried "everything".

[cicero]

It's almost Christmas season, which means it's time to start planning Christmas gifts. I have one giftee who is (a) very focused on gifts, (b) very picky, and (c) difficult to please.

This year we are doing a name drawing amongst adults, and lucky me, I drew this person's name. I'll call her Beth.

As an example of Beth's attitude toward gifts: her husband is not a good gift-giver, so she relies on family to fulfill all her gifting wants and desires. For her birthday, she had mentioned wanting a nice cake stand. I bought one, and made an epic chocolate cake (Chocolate Wasted Cake) to put on it. Upon giving it to her, she said, "Yeah, but where's my *real* birthday present?"

ouch! how rude!

My advice, as others have noted, stop stressing over this. it doesn't matter *what* you do, she will have something to say about it. people like this are *never* satisfied with gifts they receive. and people like you, want to be nice, want to please others, and keep thinking "i'll just get her this or that, i'll spend 2 or 3 times what i should spend, i'll get her something special, i'll go to 20 stores, etc" and in the end she'll still kvetch about this because it's not about you or the gift, it's about her own issues.

I would choose *something* in the 20-30$ price range of one of the brands she likes, e.g., if she likes Brand X, get her a scarf, a change purse, wristlet, key chain, luggage tags, etc of that brand. but do not spend more than 29.99$. trust me on this one - you will hate yourself if you spend more than 20$ and/or 10 minutes on this gift.

and that cake? Oh my gosh, it is amazing!

[Iris]

Ohhhh yeah my sister is like this.  EXACTLY like this.  I totally feel your pain.  To be honest, I've given up really putting in any effort beyond finding out what shops I know she likes, so I can give her a gift card.  She's going to complain, is Beth.  It won't matter what you get her.  I know it's really hard not to let it get to you (I can't believe she didn't like a chocolate cake!  It looks spectacular and who doesn't like cake??) when she reacts boorishly to a gift you've given, but just try to remember, that reflects much more poorly on her than it does on you.

Last Christmas, my sister had purchased her first house, after only having previously lived in condos.  The house she bought needed a little work, so I got her a gift card to Home Depot.  There had to be SOMEthing there she could use, right?  Building or repair materials, paint, something decorative, a yard ornament, plants or flowers, something.  She opened the card I'd stuck the GC in, saw what it was and said, "Oh, I don't know if I'll EVER use this."  If I had to describe her tone, I'd say she sounded snotty.  Tired of always garnering this reaction no matter how good a gift I got or how much effort I put in, I leaned across to her and plucked the gift card out of her hands, saying, "Oh, well, I'll have it back then."  She latched on to that card like I was trying to take her firstborn, let me tell you.  In a puzzled tone, I said, "But I thought you said you weren't going to use it.  I don't want to burden you with something you don't want and won't use."

She changed her tone and kept and used the card (of course) though I often wonder if what I did was retaliatory rudeness.  Also, I really wonder if she'll remember that this year and what Christmas is going to be like.

Please be sure to pop back and let us know. I've often wondered how awful gift-receivers would respond to this so I'm very curious.

[StoutGirl]

Yikes!  How rude to not appreciate the cake stand and cake.  I would have loved a gift like that.

OP-If you really are having difficulties with this issue, I have a few ideas for you.  A bottle of wine seems to always go over well.  Also, check online, such as Macy's and Amazon and see if she has a public wish list.  Pinterest is also an excellent place for gift ideas.  Good luck and don't worry about it to the point where you lose sleep.  It is not worth it.

[cheyne]

So Beth gives homemade gifts and is very frugal about gift giving but expects $60. gifts in return?  I would call her and ask her to put a few $20-30. gifts on her list.  If she doesn't, she gets a $25. gift card to her favorite store, period.  Why stress about making an SS happy about her gift?

It sounds like Beth isn't too smart either.  You gave her the cake stand and that chocolate goo-goo cake and she wasn't happy?  The cake stand alone was an appropriate gift, one she had specifically asked for.  Then you go to the effort to create that cake, (which I would have to pay a bakery around $50. to create), and she still wanted more?  Look, I can't eat a cake like that but if I were Beth the thought of you taking all that time and effort to create such a masterpiece would have tears in my eyes.  I would think you really cared for me to go to such an extreme effort.

[NyaChan]

So Beth gives homemade gifts and is very frugal about gift giving but expects $60. gifts in return?  I would call her and ask her to put a few $20-30. gifts on her list.  If she doesn't, she gets a $25. gift card to her favorite store, period.  Why stress about making an SS happy about her gift?

It sounds like Beth isn't too smart either.  You gave her the cake stand and that chocolate goo-goo cake and she wasn't happy? The cake stand alone was an appropriate gift, one she had specifically asked for.  Then you go to the effort to create that cake, (which I would have to pay a bakery around $50. to create), and she still wanted more?  Look, I can't eat a cake like that but if I were Beth the thought of you taking all that time and effort to create such a masterpiece would have tears in my eyes.  I would think you really cared for me to go to such an extreme effort.

POD to this.  I probably would have teared up to see that a friend had gone to the trouble of making me that cake.  Some people just don't understand the time and effort that goes into such gifts.  I wouldn't go out of my way Beth again.  No one gets to dictate how much money you spend on them - buy a gift or gift card in the price range you are comfortable with and don't give her another thought.

[mbbored]

One thing that I am curious about, since Beth makes such a big deal over gifts... how does she gift others?  Because, honestly, that is something I take into account... if I know that someone isn't going to go to a lot of trouble over a gift for me, then I am not likely to go to a lot of trouble over a gift for them.

She is a frugal gifter. She tends to make homemade gifts and keep a tight budget. Which I absolutely appreciate and respect, since I tend to do the same. She hasn't asked for expensive gifts in years past, but she has almost always been difficult to shop for.

Audrey, since we're doing the gift exchange I think it would be rude to not buy her a gift at all. Believe me, after her birthday I was seriously considering it.

Clearly she must appreciate homemade gifts since that's what she gives, therefore you should give her something homemade. If you're not crafty, there's always Etsy (as previously suggested) or local craft fairs, which seem to pop up around the holidays.

[GreenEyedHawk]

So Beth gives homemade gifts and is very frugal about gift giving but expects $60. gifts in return?  I would call her and ask her to put a few $20-30. gifts on her list.  If she doesn't, she gets a $25. gift card to her favorite store, period.  Why stress about making an SS happy about her gift?

It sounds like Beth isn't too smart either.  You gave her the cake stand and that chocolate goo-goo cake and she wasn't happy? The cake stand alone was an appropriate gift, one she had specifically asked for.  Then you go to the effort to create that cake, (which I would have to pay a bakery around $50. to create), and she still wanted more?  Look, I can't eat a cake like that but if I were Beth the thought of you taking all that time and effort to create such a masterpiece would have tears in my eyes.  I would think you really cared for me to go to such an extreme effort.

POD to this.  I probably would have teared up to see that a friend had gone to the trouble of making me that cake.  Some people just don't understand the time and effort that goes into such gifts.  I wouldn't go out of my way Beth again.  No one gets to dictate how much money you spend on them - buy a gift or gift card in the price range you are comfortable with and don't give her another thought.

I would have been happy with just the cake stand, since you were thoughtful enough to know that that was what it was she wanted.  I'd say making that (awesome-looking!) cake is above and beyond.

[Giggity]

How far should one go to fulfill the desires of an impossible giftee?

The shortest possible distance. I have zero patience with that sort of nonsense.