Stressing over impossible giftee

[Giggity]

Beth clearly has no idea how rude she is acting, in disparaging every gift she receives.

It's entirely possible she DOES know and doesn't care.

[Moray]

Beth clearly has no idea how rude she is acting, in disparaging every gift she receives.

It's entirely possible she DOES know and doesn't care.

Much more likely, I'd say.

[siamesecat2965]

I have a relative kind of like that. But more in the way that while she’s appreciative of what I give her, she puts almost no thought and effort into what she GIVES in return. I love to shop for people, and part of the fun is figuring out what they like, and would like, and I do a lot of “themed” gifts. I’ll find something I know they’ll like, and build a theme around it.  One year she got cute, painted martini glasses, and I put them in a basket with fancy martini mix, sugar for the glass rims, a cocktail shaker and a few other little odds and ends.  And while at her house, I found the whole thing stuffed in a closet (when she asked me to get something out, I wasn’t snooping). I was kind of hurt as I know she likes that kind of stuff, but it was just like oh, well, i didn't like it so I'll put it away.

The worst year was a couple years ago; I know I posted about it, but she was deployed just before Christmas, and left my gifts for me at her house (I stopped on my way to my mom’s to feed her cats). She literally, I’m almost sure of it, dug through her drawers and closet, and left a bunch of things on a chair, not wrapped, with price tags on.  And it was crap.  Not at all my taste, and the presentation left a lot to be desired, not to mention the tags.  I will always thank someone for a gift, even if not my taste, etc, and then do whatever with it. I’d never let the giver know it wasn’t my thing.  And I did the same with these things,a nd then gave them away.

She also has given me the same item a couple years in a row, I guess forgetting she gave it to me the previous year. And another year I got a used duffle bag from a cosmetic giveaway, with some other items I had no use for in.  Of course I thanked her, but I’ve pretty much given up on putting too much thought into HER gift. I still get something nice, but I don’t spend as much, and if she doesn’t like it, fine.  I’m half tempted to give her back the same items she’s given me but that would be mena.

As for the OP, I’d either give a GC in the amount to a store she can ger her pricy itemsa at, or pick something, since you say she won’t like anything, and make sure the gift receipt is attached.  And leave it at a that.

[Barb3000]

this whole thread reminds me why I dropped out of the gift-giving (for adults) scene many years ago. Just doesn't make sense to me.

[Outdoor Girl]

OP, there's nothing you can do to change Beth's attitude.  So the best thing to do is adjust your own.  Buy something you think she'll like at one of her preferred stores that's within the price range.  Get a gift receipt to include.

And be done.  Accept that you aren't going to make her happy no matter what you do, maybe even if you bought one of the expensive items she requested.

[TootsNYC]

Please don't stress over her. I hate reading about people working extra hard to please someone who is a jerk. And she is not just someone with high standards, she is jerky. High standards is specifying a brand or prefering a small high quality item over multiple cheap items. Jerky is asking where your real gift is after getting MORE than you asked for. Jerky is listing items out of the price range.

Save your angst. Buy her something in the price range and then take all the time effort angst and cash that she thinks you need to spend on her and think of someone or someones that would appreciate the effort and put it there. Cookies for co workers , cards for old friends, gifts for needy families in town or a chicken for someone overseas. Do some fun giving to satisfy that obligation you feel.

Yep. And yep to this:

OP, there's nothing you can do to change Beth's attitude.  So the best thing to do is adjust your own.  Buy something you think she'll like at one of her preferred stores that's within the price range.  Get a gift receipt to include.

And be done.  Accept that you aren't going to make her happy no matter what you do, maybe even if you bought one of the expensive items she requested.

And when she says something, just say regretfully, "I have the hardest time trying to find something for you--you're hard to buy for. I did my best. I hope you can come to enjoy it, eventually." And turn away.

(I love the idea of taking back the Home Depot gift card!)

[QueenofAllThings]

Does Beth drink (because I'm sure those around her do  )?

Two bottles of wine in a nice wine bag. Most people like it, and it fits the bill.

[wx4caster]

Does she have one of these? http://craftythisandthat.blogspot.ca/2008/03/belly-button-brush.html

My Dad is exactly the same without the gift-giving part because Mom does all the shopping. And my Mom is very set in her ways (cooking and such) and has enough fabric stash to last another 50 years (she quilts).  These days, we give money to our girls and let them pick gifts for their grandparents.  Hit or miss, the result is always laughter.

[CakeBeret]

She does not drink, or else I would go with the wine suggestion.

I found one of her gift ideas on ebay for $30, so I will snag that.

Thanks for the advice and commiseration. I'm still stinging a bit from her birthday, to be honest, so I wanted to be fair but not rude.

[bopper]

Go to Marshall's (discount store) and see if they have any of her preferred items at a discount.  They will have designer purses there, for example.

[NyaChan]

I don't know, I think that $30 gift is more than enough.

[Twik]

I must admit, dealing with someone who had the nerve to tell me that a cake stand PLUS CAKE was not a "real gift" would make me not want to give anything further.

Telling someone that their gift is not acceptable is one of the rudest things one can do, unless the gift itself is a deliberate insult (like peanut butter cookies to someone known to have peanut allergy, or a Bible for a proclaimed rationalist). You simply view all gifts as an unexpected plus in your life, and if they are a *very* small plus, well, you're certainly not worse off. You cannot tell the giver that their open generosity was not enough.

I am quite unsurprised to hear that she is, herself, a "frugal" giver. She deserves the expensive stuff, other people don't, in her eyes.

[icfrugal2]

Her husband is "not a good gift giver"?  My guess is that he's tried his best and has given up.

I have a close relative like this, and it's very discouraging to have one's gifts constantly returned to the store.  From now on, I'd say to stick to gift certificates/cards.  Of course she can assert "so impersonal" but you can remind her as to how hard she is to please.

10/11/12

You are describing my older sister and her DH. He has given up.

I gave up when she started opening gifts and talking about who she was going to give them to.

They are frugal, but that is tacky. (NOT the regifting, but telling you that they are going to regift the gift as it is being opened)

The good thing about this is that it explained the "strange" gifts that I would get from her. I thought, she is my sister and thinks that I need or would like this, so I tried to use what I was given. LOL LOL

IC

[snowdragon]

I am accused of being impossible in my family. The thing is they are completely uninterested in getting me anything I want, they want to get me things they like.
A few examples - I have been asking for one thing ( a pair of gingher stork shaped embroidery scissors ) since I was 14, they have never  gotten me them instead they get me things like

pink frilly clothes: they know I hate pink and I am decidedly unfrilly.

clothes in styles more appropriate to some  my mother's job functions than mine - which in itself would be workable if I could wear such stuff to my job, but office wear for a health care aide, does not work and they know when I am not at work I want to wear things like yoga pants and tshirts as I spend much of time walking and at school where I often get filthy and need to be able to climb ladders and under stages, ect.

Clothes in a style I won't wear, and they know I don't wear low cut or see through shirts, low slung pants, or skirts with slits

I could go on if but I am sure you get the idea. I ask for gift certificates to specific  places, that I frequent and hoard them when I get them - but in the 30+ years that I have been an adult, they have followed the list that we all fill out at mom's "request" exactly once.  I am actually really easy to buy for, just go to the grocery store and get me gift cards to either Joanne Fabrics or Barnes and Noble. IF you want to really spoil me go to the music store a mile away from mom's house ( that every member of the family passes daily, other than my brother who lives in Chicago ) and get a gift cert from there..

My  point is that sometimes the "impossible" tell folks in all kinds of ways what they like; by how they dress, they remark about how they would love such and so but would never buy it for themselves, favorite scents of perfume and such,  or a band that they like, or such. "listening" in other ways can give you lots of clues.

   My suggestion would be to tell Beth to give you a list and follow it religiously.  If she is really not satisfied after that , she's an ungrateful brat and you can just give her money and be done with it.

[Moray]

Beth's problem is that she DOES express what she wants, but it's all at double the price range and even if you DO get her something she's expressed a desire for (like the cake stand the OP mentioned), she craps all over it because it isn't enough.