Author Topic: I do not accept your endorsement!  (Read 10107 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #15 on: October 06, 2012, 01:26:23 PM »
Yeah, I can see that.  Kind of like - "You have my blessing so now you should feel free to continue."

GreenEyedHawk

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #16 on: October 06, 2012, 01:56:06 PM »
"Thank goodness you're not one of *those* parents seems like a bit of a backhanded compliment to me, so I've always avoided saying it.
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NyaChan

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #17 on: October 06, 2012, 01:58:19 PM »
I'd probably just say "Well, I do what works for my family,"  if I didn't feel comfortable saying thank you.  I can see how these comments are not so much a compliment as they are an indirect criticism of others.

GSNW

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #18 on: October 06, 2012, 02:20:09 PM »
It's really all in the phrasing, isn't it?  A backhanded compliment, or an issuance of approval that simultaneously tears someone else down, is no compliment at all.  Having said that, I compliment parents all the time when their children are kind, well-behaved citizens of my classroom (or great students, responsible, etc).  A true compliment should, IMO, focus on what the receiver is doing right, not what others are doing wrong.

Susiqzer

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #19 on: October 06, 2012, 02:25:04 PM »
OP, I absolutely know what you mean. In those situations, I usually say something like "um, thanks?" to show that I don't quite understand their comment.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #20 on: October 06, 2012, 02:26:52 PM »
It can be a backhanded compliment if it turns out they're just using it as a lift onto their own soapbox, or patting themselves on the back. 

I usually will just say "Well thank you, I think half of it is luck, though!"
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cicero

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #21 on: October 06, 2012, 02:37:34 PM »
I've been running into this situation lately.  People (sometimes acquaintances, sometimes strangers) let me know that they approve of my parenting style/choices. 

Sometimes it's a "Thank goodness you're not one of those parents!," said with a tone of disgust directed at "those" people.

Other times it's a, "You're doing the right thing!  Excellent job!," said in a truly encouraging tone. 

Both really offend me.  I don't want to be judged by people, even if they've decided that I 'pass'.  I think it's pretty rude to comment on parenting, even if it's positive.  Am I being hyper-sensitive?

I've been responding to both situations with silence.  Is there a better way?
I have to say that there have been times that I have complimented parents on their children's behavior. I never thought of it as being judging; rather a compliment, an understanding that being a parent is a tough job and it's nice to see our efforts as bearing fruit.

Obviously if someone is condescending, or PA about it, then that is no fun.

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Mikayla

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #22 on: October 06, 2012, 03:59:11 PM »
Yeah, I can see that.  Kind of like - "You have my blessing so now you should feel free to continue."

This is exactly how I see it.  A positive comment relating to a child is pretty black and white.  It's a compliment and you say thank you.

A parenting compliment from a stranger isn't always so obvious, nor is the response always going to be thank you.  It's more of a minefield.

Iris

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #23 on: October 06, 2012, 06:38:35 PM »
"You're doing this correctly" is exactly the kind of thing I would say - to my students. From one adult to another it would seem a bit off to me. Like there's only one correct way to parent, she is the gold standard model of that, and you have successfully emulated her. I agree I wouldn't find that a compliment like "oh your kids are well behaved". Personally I would have gone with a weak smile, a "hmm", and then disengaged.
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Ms Aspasia

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #24 on: October 06, 2012, 07:55:40 PM »
<snip>

She was trying to be friendly, make conversation, and say positive things. I honestly have trouble seeing what she did wrong. Can we say nothing to each other anymore, is socialising such a minefield?
I think there's plenty we can say, and that socialising has nuances worth discussing here.  For example, "Glad you're not one of those parents" is often a mis-step, as parents tend to try lots of different approaches that wouldn't be visible to the commenter.  A compliment about the child, or an observation about the event, is a better ice-breaker with a stranger than one involving a judgment.  "You're doing it correctly" is better between friends than strangers; I can see it being just fine when someone has asked for a friend's opinion.
« Last Edit: October 06, 2012, 07:57:27 PM by Ms Aspasia »

artk2002

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #25 on: October 06, 2012, 09:42:57 PM »
Yeah, I can see that.  Kind of like - "You have my blessing so now you should feel free to continue."

Is that what you're thinking when you compliment someone else?

No? I didn't think so.

Then why attribute that intent to someone else?
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Sharnita

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #26 on: October 06, 2012, 09:45:38 PM »
Yeah, I can see that.  Kind of like - "You have my blessing so now you should feel free to continue."

Is that what you're thinking when you compliment someone else?

No? I didn't think so.

Then why attribute that intent to someone else?


I  don't see what OP describes as a compliment so there is no issue from my perspective. 

CakeEater

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #27 on: October 06, 2012, 10:02:22 PM »
I think there's a world of difference between, 'Your kids are so well-behaved', and 'You're handling this particular situation correctly'. he first is a compliment, and the second is ridiculously patronising. It's in the same category as unsolicited advice.

O'Dell

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #28 on: October 06, 2012, 11:18:08 PM »
I think it's pretty rude to comment on parenting, even if it's positive.  Am I being hyper-sensitive?

As a general rule I agree that it's rude, but not just about parenting. More people should mind their own business. There are exceptions. I can actually see how the wording "You're doing the right thing!  Excellent job!," said in a truly encouraging tone. might be nice if you seemed troubled or unsure of yourself when you did something...said along the lines of "You're doing okay. Don't second guess yourself." I can also see someone saying "Oh you handled that really well!" when they see a particularly impressive parenting act.

If it's said as an endorsement though, I don't think you are hyper-sensitive so much as reacting to an arrogant statement. Could that maybe be what you are feeling? It does seem hyper-sensitive if you are "offended" by the remark. To me it makes more sense to write it off as arrogance and do an internal eye-roll. And silence is the way to go. Don't give the person any encouragement like a smile or thank you. But also don't give them any power over your actions by making it more negative than necessary. Silence is a nice reaction is this case.
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MariaE

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #29 on: October 07, 2012, 02:40:15 AM »
I think there's a world of difference between, 'Your kids are so well-behaved', and 'You're handling this particular situation correctly'. he first is a compliment, and the second is ridiculously patronising. It's in the same category as unsolicited advice.

Agreed. It's all in the phrasing. Actually it's the 'correctly' I object to. Had she instead said, "You're handling this perfectly" I would again have taken it as a compliment.
 
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