Author Topic: I do not accept your endorsement!  (Read 10334 times)

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CakeEater

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #30 on: October 07, 2012, 05:16:24 AM »
I think there's a world of difference between, 'Your kids are so well-behaved', and 'You're handling this particular situation correctly'. he first is a compliment, and the second is ridiculously patronising. It's in the same category as unsolicited advice.

Agreed. It's all in the phrasing. Actually it's the 'correctly' I object to. Had she instead said, "You're handling this perfectly" I would again have taken it as a compliment.

Out of genuine interest, because obviously we agree here, what do you see as the difference between correctly and perfectly? I see perfectly as correctly, but to the nth degree, so there would be no difference in meaning for me.

MariaE

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #31 on: October 07, 2012, 06:55:44 AM »
I think there's a world of difference between, 'Your kids are so well-behaved', and 'You're handling this particular situation correctly'. he first is a compliment, and the second is ridiculously patronising. It's in the same category as unsolicited advice.

Agreed. It's all in the phrasing. Actually it's the 'correctly' I object to. Had she instead said, "You're handling this perfectly" I would again have taken it as a compliment.

Out of genuine interest, because obviously we agree here, what do you see as the difference between correctly and perfectly? I see perfectly as correctly, but to the nth degree, so there would be no difference in meaning for me.

In my head (which may be weird, I grant you that ;) ), "correctly" is something a teacher says to a student. Thus it becomes patronizing in the example given above. "Perfectly" is an admiring comment between peers... sort of like "Wow! You handled that so well! I look up to you."

... I should probably at this point remind you that English is not my first language, so this may not actually make sense to anybody other than me :)
 
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Iris

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #32 on: October 07, 2012, 07:47:59 AM »
I think there's a world of difference between, 'Your kids are so well-behaved', and 'You're handling this particular situation correctly'. he first is a compliment, and the second is ridiculously patronising. It's in the same category as unsolicited advice.

Agreed. It's all in the phrasing. Actually it's the 'correctly' I object to. Had she instead said, "You're handling this perfectly" I would again have taken it as a compliment.

Out of genuine interest, because obviously we agree here, what do you see as the difference between correctly and perfectly? I see perfectly as correctly, but to the nth degree, so there would be no difference in meaning for me.

In my head (which may be weird, I grant you that ;) ), "correctly" is something a teacher says to a student. Thus it becomes patronizing in the example given above. "Perfectly" is an admiring comment between peers... sort of like "Wow! You handled that so well! I look up to you."

... I should probably at this point remind you that English is not my first language, so this may not actually make sense to anybody other than me :)

Nope, I agree. I would use both correct and perfect with my students, but only perfect with other adults.
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bonyk

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #33 on: October 07, 2012, 08:00:27 AM »
OP here:  Thank you for dissecting that for me.  You guys really got to the root of what bugged. (genuinely, no condescension.  ;))

It definitely felt like it was something a teacher would say to a student. I also think it was the word "correctly" that put it over the edge for me. 

TootsNYC

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #34 on: October 07, 2012, 08:06:53 AM »
I'm sorry, it's a fact of life that you will be judged by others, whether you like it or not. You judge others whether they like it or not.

Yes, you're being hyper-sensitive. They've paid you a compliment. Enjoy it.

But it's not a compliment--it's a complaint clothed in a compliment.

These people are using the OP as an opportunity to complain about other parents.

I suggest perhaps a mild "I hate to judge other parents--everybody tries their best, and it's not an easy skill to learn. I don't consider myself an expert."

Amava

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #35 on: October 07, 2012, 08:16:46 AM »
OP here:  Thank you for dissecting that for me.  You guys really got to the root of what bugged. (genuinely, no condescension.  ;))

It definitely felt like it was something a teacher would say to a student. I also think it was the word "correctly" that put it over the edge for me.

Ok I'm on the other end (as you could tell from my previous post), but these explanations do indeed help me, too, understand better why it would bug you and some others.

bonyk

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #36 on: October 07, 2012, 09:25:41 AM »
OP here:  Thank you for dissecting that for me.  You guys really got to the root of what bugged. (genuinely, no condescension.  ;))

It definitely felt like it was something a teacher would say to a student. I also think it was the word "correctly" that put it over the edge for me.

Ok I'm on the other end (as you could tell from my previous post), but these explanations do indeed help me, too, understand better why it would bug you and some others.

Thanks, Amaya.  I definitely appreciate perspectives from the other side, too, because regardless of how I felt about the comment, I knew it was not intended to irk me.

jaxsue

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #37 on: October 07, 2012, 12:02:17 PM »
I had 5 siblings. We were stair-steps - I am the youngest and my oldest sibling is only 8.5 yrs older than I am. So when we were all kids and our family walked into a restaurant, people would have that "Oh, no!" look. Fortunately, my parents had taught us good dining manners and several times we were complimented on our behavior. We never saw it as anything but a positive thing.

I work for a retail merchandiser that requires me to work in 6 NJ Walmarts a week. To say that I see/hear kids melting down or running wild in the stores would be a vast understatement; it gets old fast. So once in a while I compliment a child's behavior, not in the "Good thing you're not like the others" way, but saying how awesome it is that they're helping with the shopping (FTR, the adult is always right there with them). So far no negative responses, and I do this maybe once every few weeks. I hope a positive statement of that type is not misconstrued.


Auntie Mame

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #38 on: October 07, 2012, 12:28:14 PM »
I have found it safest to simply not speak to parents and children I do not know.  Parents are far too over sensitive these days and anything I say or do will do snapped at or blown all out of proportion. 

This thread further proves that I am doing the smart thing.
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jaxsue

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #39 on: October 07, 2012, 12:32:18 PM »
I have found it safest to simply not speak to parents and children I do not know.  Parents are far too over sensitive these days and anything I say or do will do snapped at or blown all out of proportion. 

This thread further proves that I am doing the smart thing.

To be safe I'll do the same thing from now on.

oogyda

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #40 on: October 07, 2012, 12:45:52 PM »
I think it's a genuine compliment and should be accepted as such.

I also think it'd be appropriate to say something (after the "thank you") like, "Yeah, it works for us, but we're not big on criticizing other parents' styles."

If I thought someone was giving me a genuine compliment, I certainly wouldn't follow it with such an insult!
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jaxsue

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #41 on: October 07, 2012, 02:14:37 PM »
It might be regional, too. I grew up in small towns in the upper midwest. Speaking to strangers - even children - was not considered odd; small talk with people you didn't know was the norm. Ditto with the deep south.

Now I live near NYC, and while I love some things about it here it is definitely more the norm to keep to oneself. Fortunately, I live in a Central NJ n'hood where people talk to each other. Some of my city friends think it's weird, but I really like it.  :)

Cami

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #42 on: October 07, 2012, 02:23:22 PM »
So now it's wrong to give someone a compliment?  Guess we're supposed to go through life and not make a single sound to anyone. No wonder so many people feel lonely and disconnected from others.

I have found it safest to simply not speak to parents and children I do not know.  Parents are far too over sensitive these days and anything I say or do will do snapped at or blown all out of proportion. 

This thread further proves that I am doing the smart thing.

To be safe I'll do the same thing from now on.
Apparently I should be doing the same.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2012, 02:25:08 PM by Cami »

Allyson

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #43 on: October 07, 2012, 02:59:13 PM »
I wouldn't be bothered by a 'you're doing this correctly' comment. I think the only thing that would bother me would be if they were basically using what I was doing as a way to put down others who did things differently, or made different choices. I'm not a parent but if someone came up to me and said, 'Oh, I'm so glad to see you're not one of *those* women who lives alone/dates someone a different culture/reads Twilight' I would then want to go out and do all of those things. :D

artk2002

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Re: I do not accept your endorsement!
« Reply #44 on: October 07, 2012, 03:17:01 PM »
I'm sorry, it's a fact of life that you will be judged by others, whether you like it or not. You judge others whether they like it or not.

Yes, you're being hyper-sensitive. They've paid you a compliment. Enjoy it.

But it's not a compliment--it's a complaint clothed in a compliment.

These people are using the OP as an opportunity to complain about other parents.

I suggest perhaps a mild "I hate to judge other parents--everybody tries their best, and it's not an easy skill to learn. I don't consider myself an expert."

I'm really sorry that so many people have such judgmental and condescending people in their lives.

Here's what I am thinking when I compliment a parent: Parenting can be a tough and frustrating job. Yes it has its rewards, but there are days when nothing you do goes right. Everybody and his cousin has an opinion about how you should do your job and they have no hesitation in telling you that you're doing it wrong.

I figure that once in a while, someone doing a tough job would appreciate a kind word. I know that I appreciate it when someone says something nice to me

If that makes me judgmental and condescending, then I'll wear that badge with pride.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain