Sorry, the party is over now. Bubbye.

[Sharnita]

I think the intent of most schools is probably to discourage handing out invites in class as opposed to dictate guest lists

[Redneck Gravy]

When my daughters were in private school there was a printed directory of students/parents addresses & telephone numbers.

Policy was if you sent invitations to school they were given to the teacher.  There had to be enough for everyone in the class (and it was preferred that you not put names on them) and the teacher would put them in the go home bags on Fridays.   

If you did not want to invite everyone in the class you could mail/deliver using the directory.  There were NO exceptions to this policy.

 

[Jones]

I wish there was a directory for Jean Bean's school. I don't even know for sure how many children are in her class yet; class pictures were only just taken and won't come home for another ~3 weeks. There is a rule about inviting "all" kids in class, but I told her we are doing a Family Only party this year, and she can get phone numbers herself next year; we're bringing cookies to class on her birthday (teacher approved) so she has her special moment amongst her peers.

We had similar experiences as described in the OP. A couple years ago, we invited a little girl (very loosely related) to Jean's birthday. Her mom, dad, older brother all showed up. After doing the craft and handing out goodies, the little girl asked me when I would be handing out gifts to the guests "to make it even." I explained it was only the birthday girl's birthday, but we'd given her craft + accessory. "Is that all?" the child whined. Her mother stood by and said nothing.

Some time later we were invited to a family/ friends party for the older brother of the Gimme Child. We gave him a gift of a two person playset. The mother came over to my husband and me and said something along the lines of (sorry, it's been a while but I'll try to remember exact wording) "You know, when you give one of my kids a gift, it's a lot easier to give a gift to each. It's just how my kids are."

She was aggrieved some time later to discover I had unfriended her on Facebook. We may be loosely related but that doesn't mean I have to pay her kids to come to my daughter's birthday parties, or pay for the privilege of going to theirs.

[Piratelvr1121]

Ugh I'm so sorry.  This happened to us once at S's 8th grade graduation party.  The invite said drop in from 1-5pm.  Some relatives came at 4:30.  I had to take C to a class and came back at 6pm and they were still here.  Dh didn't want to kick them out but I basically told them the party was over and they needed to leave.  You would have thought I had asked them to jump off a bridge.  The invite was very specific and they didn't bother showing up until the end.

When DH had a birthday/graduation from boot camp party years ago, my in laws sent my parents an invitation that said it would be from 1-4.  Not "Drop in from 1-4", but "Party is starting at one".  I wasn't living at home at the time, but for that week I was staying there and was going over to the IL's earlier than my parents and I'm sure I said "See you at one!", as I was going over to help set up.

Well they were late, which knowing them was not surprising, but I was still embarrassed and gave them a ring to see if they were at least on their way out the door.  Nope. It was 1:30 and they hadn't even gotten dressed. "We didn't think it actually began at one, we thought we could arrive whenever!" Then my mother acted put out, like my ILs were the unsophisticated ones for actually expecting people to show up at one when the invitation says 1-4.

[Airelenaren]

To be honest, at least to me (with English as my second language), both phrasings would have had me thinking it would be okay to drop in at any point within the time frame.

"Drop in from 1-5" would sound to me like "arrive at any point between 1 and 5", with no mention of how long the party would go (just that 5 is the latest point to arrive).

"Party from 1 to 4" would sound to me like "the length of the party will be from 1 to 4", with no indication of when to arrive, just that it should be after 1 and the party would end at 4.

I think the only safe way to get the message across is to specifically state "the party will start at x and end at y, please make sure to drop in between z and x".

[MummyPumpkin83]

To be honest, at least to me (with English as my second language), both phrasings would have had me thinking it would be okay to drop in at any point within the time frame.

"Drop in from 1-5" would sound to me like "arrive at any point between 1 and 5", with no mention of how long the party would go (just that 5 is the latest point to arrive).

"Party from 1 to 4" would sound to me like "the length of the party will be from 1 to 4", with no indication of when to arrive, just that it should be after 1 and the party would end at 4.

I think the only safe way to get the message across is to specifically state "the party will start at x and end at y, please make sure to drop in between z and x".

English is my only language and I agree with the above. Although the from 1 to 4 is more common and i would make sure I was there at 1.

[QueenfaninCA]

I'm aware some schools have that policy but I abhor it.

People have options of inviting guests outside of class.

But they don't have the choice to invite just a few they like in class.

Actually you have the choice. The policy is usually not "you have to invite the whole class", but "if you hand out invitations at school, you have to invite the whole class". So as long as you invite the guest in a different way than handing out invites at school, it is perfectly OK to only invite a few kids from the class.

[Hillia]

We had the invite policy when I was in parochial school in California in the late 60's.  All the girls, all the boys, or the whole class.  That's why I didn't have a birthday party from age 6 til I was in high school; I was allowed to invite 1 friend for a full day of fun activities (zoo, amusement park, etc).

[jane7166]

As far as directories, there are probably many reasons schools have them or don't. It would be a significant cost as far as copying goes. MAny districts have such a strict limit on copies that teachers can only make class sets of tests and reading materials.

Also, in some areas they just aren't practical. If the population in your district moves a lot, changes phone numbers, etc. There is really no point.  In high crime areas it is also really unwise.

In high school, especially junior year, it's just a tool for photographers and SAT tutor providers to drum up business.  Our mailbox was constantly stuffed with junk from colleges, photography studios, tutors, etc.  And, these directories were only supposed to be used by students and parents.  Riiiight.

I remember, back in the dark ages, as a senior, a salesman came up to our house and asked for Janey.  He was there to sell me china since all women got married right out of high school, dontcha know.  He didn't make a sale. 

[bah12]

Back to the OP, while I don't think it would have been rude to turn them away at the door, I don't actually blame the friend for letting them in.   I, too, probably would have assumed that they legitimately wanted to apologize for missing the party and to wish the birthday girl well.  It would have not occurred to me, right away, that they would act so appallingly. 

That being said, I'm sure the hostess now knows not to invite this family to future parties.  Hopefully, she can find another way to hand out invites as to avoid the "invite everyone in the class" rule.

[artk2002]

As far as directories, there are probably many reasons schools have them or don't. It would be a significant cost as far as copying goes. MAny districts have such a strict limit on copies that teachers can only make class sets of tests and reading materials.

Also, in some areas they just aren't practical. If the population in your district moves a lot, changes phone numbers, etc. There is really no point.  In high crime areas it is also really unwise.

In high school, especially junior year, it's just a tool for photographers and SAT tutor providers to drum up business.  Our mailbox was constantly stuffed with junk from colleges, photography studios, tutors, etc.  And, these directories were only supposed to be used by students and parents.  Riiiight.

I remember, back in the dark ages, as a senior, a salesman came up to our house and asked for Janey.  He was there to sell me china since all women got married right out of high school, dontcha know.  He didn't make a sale.

Our school has a directory, but you practically sign your life away to have access to it. A tutoring company recently got hold of it and spammed the list and the administration came down hard on them, as well as sending out an e-mail apologizing and reminding people that they aren't to release the directory. When we had paper directories, they provided a shredding service at the beginning of the year so that you could get rid of your old one.

There are a number of people in the directory who are extremely private (and with good reason), so everyone is expected to be careful with it.

[Marguette]

I wouldn’t say you shouldn’t have let them in. Not unless you can see the future and you could have predicted what their attitude and behaviour was going to be like.

What should you have done? Nothing different. I think that in the face of their “demands,” the awkward silences, the lack of goody bags, and the final grudging “gift” of a mere balloon couldn’t have been better if you had planned it that way.

[yam]

Not all parties give out goody bags. On top of everything else, to assume there were goody bags and ask for them was also rude.

[LilacRosey]

That is so obnoxious I hope you wenrent there all day and you had a good time. I cant imagine how I would have resoponded to that 

[BeagleMommy]

Wow...just....wow!

I think your friend would have been justified in telling them the party was over and not letting them in the house.  Apparently, these two little darlings, learned their manners from their mother.  She was the one who was particularly miffed about the goody bags.