Author Topic: Delicious post-putdown beandip  (Read 7343 times)

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Knitterly

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Delicious post-putdown beandip
« on: October 06, 2012, 10:04:28 PM »
There is some background which can be found here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=120138.0

I will take some small responsibility for the situation that occurred today, as I posted a little "mommy pride" on facebook.  However, my mother is not on facebook, so it shouldn't have been an issue.  LK is ready for potty training.  We started yesterday with a big burst of success.  So far, she has sat on the potty twice and peed in it twice.  Last night was just tiny and I thought it was just pure dumb luck.  But this morning, she sat for a solid 10+ minutes until she did her business, and I was just bursting with pride.  So I posted a little note about her success*.  One of my sisters, whom I will dub Sister Knit for the purpose of this post, liked my status update.

It's Canadian Thanksgiving and we are Canadian, so we trundled off to my parents for dinner today.  It was mostly fine.  Early in the day, Sister Knit brought up LK's potty training success.  My mom was standing there and didn't know what we were talking about, so I explained that LK had started potty training and successfully used her little potty this morning.
Mom: What?!  Oh, no, Knitterly, you can't push her like that.  She's not ready.  She's too little.
Me: (putting on my best confused face) Oh no, she actually went.  Twice.  She went both times we put her on.
Mom: (rolling her eyes like a 15 year old) So in other words you just got lucky.
(uh, pardon me?!  Isn't that the very definition of early potty training?  Lots of luck and good timing?  Maybe the first time was luck, but is sitting for 10 minutes still just luck?)
Me: Is the beandip ready in the kitchen?  Can I help you get anything together?

I could have kissed Mr. K a little later when he bounced in all happy and daddy-proud.
"So, mom, did Knitterly tell you about Little Knit's success?"
My mom, naturally, got all smiley and started talking about how LK will probably do really well with her training because she's so much like Sister Knit (who was right there) in her personality, etc.  *headdesk*

*Note about my facebook: 90% of my facebook revolves around Little Knit.  Mr K has lots of family in another country and family make up the majority of my facebook friends.  I've been told by friends and family alike that they enjoy seeing my LK updates, so a potty training update was not out of place or inappropriate.

Iris

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2012, 10:25:56 PM »
Goodness, your mother is determined to be a sourpuss, isn't she? Next time I wouldn't even explain what you are talking about - just apply the beandip straight away.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Lynda_34

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2012, 11:44:31 PM »
Maybe you were more of a potty training challenge. >:D

My feeling is whatever works.

I think it is great you're posting her little changes for family.
My granddaughter is 10 hours away by car.  If her father didn't post her little successes and failures I would feel like I didn't know her.

I am going to see her for the fourth time since she as born next week but I'm going in knowing what she is doing and some of her likes and dislikes.

Also because of this he is comfortable calling me when he has a problem with her or there is a question he is unsure of.,

Facebook has revolutionized family dynamics. (I think mostly for the better).

ZaftigWife

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2012, 08:27:24 PM »
Knitterly, there's absolutely nothing wrong with posting these updates about your kid... as long as you don't post photos of the contents of the potty.  NOBODY wants to see that!   ;D

kareng57

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2012, 09:49:33 PM »
Okay, I know you won't want to hear this.  But anyway....

While I will agree that your mom should have kept her comments to herself - she could be right.  Your daughter is about 14 months old, right?  Most respected child-care experts would not consider that to be "ready" for potty training - generally, more like 18 months, minimum.  It's true that parents can sit a child on this age on the potty and possibly get results - but the child is not really "trained", as in recognising the signals that the body is giving.  She's likely simply attempting to do what is expected - and honestly, twice is not really that big of a deal.  Yes, it might be to you, and that's fine, but it doesn't mean that you have to expect everyone else to be just as excited.

Your child, your decision of course.  But to an extent I can understand where your mom is coming from.  I will probably become a grandma in the next five years or so, and TBH I'd find it kind of distressing if the parents were attempting potty-training so early.  I would likely not say anything, but I'd be concerned.  Grandparents are allowed to be concerned.

Iris

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2012, 09:58:36 PM »
Okay, I know you won't want to hear this.  But anyway....

While I will agree that your mom should have kept her comments to herself - she could be right.  Your daughter is about 14 months old, right?  Most respected child-care experts would not consider that to be "ready" for potty training - generally, more like 18 months, minimum.  It's true that parents can sit a child on this age on the potty and possibly get results - but the child is not really "trained", as in recognising the signals that the body is giving.  She's likely simply attempting to do what is expected - and honestly, twice is not really that big of a deal.  Yes, it might be to you, and that's fine, but it doesn't mean that you have to expect everyone else to be just as excited.

Your child, your decision of course.  But to an extent I can understand where your mom is coming from.  I will probably become a grandma in the next five years or so, and TBH I'd find it kind of distressing if the parents were attempting potty-training so early.  I would likely not say anything, but I'd be concerned.  Grandparents are allowed to be concerned.

I think it's one of those fashions that have come around again. I know my Grandmother held her children over the pottie from age about 3 months - not with any view to training them, but simply because she had to boil their nappies over an open fire so anything caught meant one less nappy for her. That was late 30s early 40s. I have friends now who do the same thing with their babies as soon as their babies have head control as an environmental thing, saving on nappy usage. One of the ladies at work started putting her 12 month old on the pottie before bath simply because she noticed that she does do a wee at that time every day. I wouldn't even really call it toilet training tbh, rather taking advantage of the parents' knowledge of the child's routines and creating associations.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

kareng57

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2012, 10:10:20 PM »
Okay, I know you won't want to hear this.  But anyway....

While I will agree that your mom should have kept her comments to herself - she could be right.  Your daughter is about 14 months old, right?  Most respected child-care experts would not consider that to be "ready" for potty training - generally, more like 18 months, minimum.  It's true that parents can sit a child on this age on the potty and possibly get results - but the child is not really "trained", as in recognising the signals that the body is giving.  She's likely simply attempting to do what is expected - and honestly, twice is not really that big of a deal.  Yes, it might be to you, and that's fine, but it doesn't mean that you have to expect everyone else to be just as excited.

Your child, your decision of course.  But to an extent I can understand where your mom is coming from.  I will probably become a grandma in the next five years or so, and TBH I'd find it kind of distressing if the parents were attempting potty-training so early.  I would likely not say anything, but I'd be concerned.  Grandparents are allowed to be concerned.

I think it's one of those fashions that have come around again. I know my Grandmother held her children over the pottie from age about 3 months - not with any view to training them, but simply because she had to boil their nappies over an open fire so anything caught meant one less nappy for her. That was late 30s early 40s. I have friends now who do the same thing with their babies as soon as their babies have head control as an environmental thing, saving on nappy usage. One of the ladies at work started putting her 12 month old on the pottie before bath simply because she noticed that she does do a wee at that time every day. I wouldn't even really call it toilet training tbh, rather taking advantage of the parents' knowledge of the child's routines and creating associations.


Of course, I agree completely.  In generations past, many parents did early training (sometimes even using enemas!) simply to minimise diaper use - often, they had to be hand-washed - that's certainly understandable motivation.  And sometimes, with a co-operative baby, it did work, at least temporarily.

But one problem is that quite often it stops working after a short time, especially if the child has been "performing" simply because the parent has recognised the "right" time.  Many people would assert that it's Mom who is trained, rather than Baby.  The issue is -   now that Knitterley has opened up the subject, her parents/sisters are free to keep asking how the training is going.  And if it's stalled - that's one more conflict.  "See, we told you so!" etc. .....

Iris

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2012, 10:31:27 PM »
^You may well be right on the training issue, but I'm absolutely certain from your posts on here that no matter what you thought privately with your future grandchild you wouldn't be as openly disbelieving/hostile as Knitterly's mother. I'm sure in the future should I become a grandmother I'll think that DDs are doing some things 'wrong', but I hope that it doesn't come to the point that I've driven them away with my negativity, which seems to be what's happening here.

If my daughters were attempting to train their hypothetical children using punishments or shame then I may feel the need to speak up, but if I just thought it was a bit early and it turned out I was right and after a few times it didn't work I wouldn't say anything other than "Oh, you've decided to give it a rest? That's fine, whatever you think is best, dear. It will happen when you're all ready." I should admit that I'm probably a bit biased because I really lacked confidence with DD1, and listened to my mother's (well intentioned and politely expressed but a bit overbearing) advice too much. My fault entirely, of course, but it did make DD1's babyhood more difficult than it should have been. With DD2 I was more confident, listened to the advice politely, but only followed that which I felt might work for us. Possible due to my experience I still think Knitterly would be best off just not feeding her mother any information. Perhaps it is too early for proper training, but it's unlikely to hurt so there's no need for her mother to comment. Especially since it's a pattern.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

O'Dell

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2012, 11:07:29 PM »
I dunno...everything I read about your mom suggests that she'll "potty" all over any info you give her about yourself and by extension LK. Then she was all smiles and agreeable when it was your husband but with a PA jab at you? Eh...

She's got problems. If you want to maintain your sanity *and* your politeness with her, then maybe you should start disengaging earlier in the conversation. You are getting there with the bean dip but be a bit quicker on the draw.

Mom: What?!  Oh, no, Knitterly, you can't push her like that.  She's not ready.  She's too little.
Me: (putting on my best confused face) Oh no, she actually went.  Twice.  She went both times we put her on.
Mom: (rolling her eyes like a 15 year old) So in other words you just got lucky.
(uh, pardon me?!  Isn't that the very definition of early potty training?  Lots of luck and good timing?  Maybe the first time was luck, but is sitting for 10 minutes still just luck?)

Me: Is the beandip ready in the kitchen?  Can I help you get anything together?

You can also collect and practice using some more neutral comments to ease into the bean dip. "If you say so" "I'll keep that in mind" "Thank you for your concern" "We'll see" that sort of thing to end that line of discussion. And you can also offer the bean dip to someone else after turning from your mother altogether.

Today it's potty training. You've still got many *many* milestones to get thru with LK before she's of age and off on her own. And chances are that every one of them will have these type of comments from your mother. You're on the right track withholding some info from her, but that won't always be possible with other family around.

I also think maybe you should use your husband a little. My mother can be the same way with me, but she's very submissive toward men she likes. Weird, but I use it when need be. If I request something that I want but pretend it's on my husband's behalf, she goes along with it.  ::) If your mother is like that, you might consider having him be the heavy. I know that the opposite to the advice usually given where each half of a couple deals with their own family. But there are exceptions like mine and possibly yours.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
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kareng57

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2012, 11:27:31 PM »
^You may well be right on the training issue, but I'm absolutely certain from your posts on here that no matter what you thought privately with your future grandchild you wouldn't be as openly disbelieving/hostile as Knitterly's mother. I'm sure in the future should I become a grandmother I'll think that DDs are doing some things 'wrong', but I hope that it doesn't come to the point that I've driven them away with my negativity, which seems to be what's happening here.

If my daughters were attempting to train their hypothetical children using punishments or shame then I may feel the need to speak up, but if I just thought it was a bit early and it turned out I was right and after a few times it didn't work I wouldn't say anything other than "Oh, you've decided to give it a rest? That's fine, whatever you think is best, dear. It will happen when you're all ready." I should admit that I'm probably a bit biased because I really lacked confidence with DD1, and listened to my mother's (well intentioned and politely expressed but a bit overbearing) advice too much. My fault entirely, of course, but it did make DD1's babyhood more difficult than it should have been. With DD2 I was more confident, listened to the advice politely, but only followed that which I felt might work for us. Possible due to my experience I still think Knitterly would be best off just not feeding her mother any information. Perhaps it is too early for proper training, but it's unlikely to hurt so there's no need for her mother to comment. Especially since it's a pattern.


Re your last couple of sentences - that's it, exactly.  Of course every parent wants to be proud of his/her baby, but when he/she puts all the accomplishments out on mass-media such as FaceBook - then it's inviting positive as well as negative feedback.

I too am prepared to be a no-advice-unless-asked grandma - but if the parents who were attempting to train a barely 14-month-old baby said to me, in exasperation "she went a few times easily, last week!  This week, not at all!" I don't think that I'd have a lot of hesitation in advising that it was too early - back off, and try again in about six months.  Of course no one would have to take my advice, but in the long run it would be far less stress on the parents as well as the child.

Deetee

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2012, 12:08:38 AM »
I have to agree with people above and the advice that was repeated many times in other thread. Please, please, please stop sharing your milestones with your mom. You are trying too hard to prove your mom wrong with LK's brilliance.

I don't why your mom is such a cloud of downerism, but she really, really is and that is really unfair. (My very average kid has 4 grandmas who all inform me of her amazing skills and intelligence cause that's what grandmas do. My husband and I also tell each other stories of her incredible perception and ability but I don't tell anyone else-even the grandmas. It's our secret until she wins the Nobel Prize, an Oscar and cures both cancer and the middle east crisis)

I know you didn't bring it up with your mom. But you still responded. You accepted it as a topic of discussion and made it such that she could voice her opinion. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? You know what her opinion will be and it won't be nice. Don't give her that power. Don't open that can of worms. Just smile, nod and move one. Once LK is toilet trained you can mention it, but bringing up any attempts to toilet train or talking or walking or writing or anything is just inviting misery into your life.

I'm really, really sorry your mom is like this. It sucks. It isn't fair. But that is the mom you get and you need to protect LK from this.

Knitterly

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #11 on: October 14, 2012, 12:31:59 PM »
Okay, I know you won't want to hear this.  But anyway....

While I will agree that your mom should have kept her comments to herself - she could be right.  Your daughter is about 14 months old, right?  Most respected child-care experts would not consider that to be "ready" for potty training - generally, more like 18 months, minimum.  It's true that parents can sit a child on this age on the potty and possibly get results - but the child is not really "trained", as in recognising the signals that the body is giving.  She's likely simply attempting to do what is expected - and honestly, twice is not really that big of a deal.  Yes, it might be to you, and that's fine, but it doesn't mean that you have to expect everyone else to be just as excited.

Your child, your decision of course.  But to an extent I can understand where your mom is coming from.  I will probably become a grandma in the next five years or so, and TBH I'd find it kind of distressing if the parents were attempting potty-training so early.  I would likely not say anything, but I'd be concerned.  Grandparents are allowed to be concerned.

I just want to clarify something on this.  In general, I would agree with you.  However, I also believe that every child is unique and every child's abilities and self-awareness develop at a different pace. 
My child is cloth diapered.  As such, she has recognized a dirty diaper for several months now.  Originally, the plan was never to potty train.  It was to sit her on the potty once an evening (while I ran her bath) to get her comfortable with the chair.  She tinkled the first time I sat her there.  Then the second time.  And the third time.  Right now, she gets about 1/2 - 2/3 of her potties in the toilet, which is pretty stunning for a kid her age.  But it did not take her long to associate the potty with it's proper use and get comfortable with it.
She tells me when she needs to go.  She will say "uh-oh" and head to the bathroom.  When we are out, she'll stop what she's doing and say "uh-oh" and pat her diaper.  So we find somewhere and sit her down.  Again, we get there in time about 1/2 the time, but she recognizes it and tells me "uh-oh" for a potty incident 100% of the time. 

Other children may vary. 

She caught a #2 in time today, which was a REALLY BIG DEAL, and that thrilled me and Mr. K to no end, especially as she had once again warned me with an "uh-oh" that something was coming.

^You may well be right on the training issue, but I'm absolutely certain from your posts on here that no matter what you thought privately with your future grandchild you wouldn't be as openly disbelieving/hostile as Knitterly's mother. I'm sure in the future should I become a grandmother I'll think that DDs are doing some things 'wrong', but I hope that it doesn't come to the point that I've driven them away with my negativity, which seems to be what's happening here.

If my daughters were attempting to train their hypothetical children using punishments or shame then I may feel the need to speak up, but if I just thought it was a bit early and it turned out I was right and after a few times it didn't work I wouldn't say anything other than "Oh, you've decided to give it a rest? That's fine, whatever you think is best, dear. It will happen when you're all ready." I should admit that I'm probably a bit biased because I really lacked confidence with DD1, and listened to my mother's (well intentioned and politely expressed but a bit overbearing) advice too much. My fault entirely, of course, but it did make DD1's babyhood more difficult than it should have been. With DD2 I was more confident, listened to the advice politely, but only followed that which I felt might work for us. Possible due to my experience I still think Knitterly would be best off just not feeding her mother any information. Perhaps it is too early for proper training, but it's unlikely to hurt so there's no need for her mother to comment. Especially since it's a pattern.


I would never use punishments or shame for a load of reasons.  I mean, if LK was 4 or 5 and still pottying in her diaper (during the day, anyway - Mr K and I were both 8 yr old bedwetters, so I won't ever punish bedwetting), I might discipline by taking away a favourite toy or not allowing TV or something.  But right now, my general attitude is "If you want to do this and can succeed, yay!  If not, you're only 1, so it's not a big deal."  She still gets pretty upset on her own when she doesn't make it to the potty in time.  She likes being clean and dry and loves the claps and praise she gets for pottying on her little chair.

I have to agree with people above and the advice that was repeated many times in other thread. Please, please, please stop sharing your milestones with your mom. You are trying too hard to prove your mom wrong with LK's brilliance.

I don't why your mom is such a cloud of downerism, but she really, really is and that is really unfair. (My very average kid has 4 grandmas who all inform me of her amazing skills and intelligence cause that's what grandmas do. My husband and I also tell each other stories of her incredible perception and ability but I don't tell anyone else-even the grandmas. It's our secret until she wins the Nobel Prize, an Oscar and cures both cancer and the middle east crisis)

I know you didn't bring it up with your mom. But you still responded. You accepted it as a topic of discussion and made it such that she could voice her opinion. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? You know what her opinion will be and it won't be nice. Don't give her that power. Don't open that can of worms. Just smile, nod and move one. Once LK is toilet trained you can mention it, but bringing up any attempts to toilet train or talking or walking or writing or anything is just inviting misery into your life.

I'm really, really sorry your mom is like this. It sucks. It isn't fair. But that is the mom you get and you need to protect LK from this.

You are right.
I can share milestones with my mother in law, as she is every bit as thrilled as we are.  Also, we would need to share the potty milestone with her anyway, as she watches LK often and I need her to know the potty signs and schedule (the schedule is new in the last 2 days, as it has cut out daily diapers to 1/3 of what they were).

Unfortunately, no matter what, my own mother would find out eventually about the early potty learning.  I mean, she'll know by Christmas for sure, since we'll be there all day and I'm not going to make LK sit in a diaper all day if she doesn't want to just to avoid judgemental comments. 

Iris

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #12 on: October 14, 2012, 05:14:17 PM »
^Just to clarify, the mention of punishment and shame was an example of when it WOULD be okay, imo, to speak up. I was certainly not implying that I thought you were using them.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

kareng57

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2012, 12:13:01 AM »
Okay, I know you won't want to hear this.  But anyway....

While I will agree that your mom should have kept her comments to herself - she could be right.  Your daughter is about 14 months old, right?  Most respected child-care experts would not consider that to be "ready" for potty training - generally, more like 18 months, minimum.  It's true that parents can sit a child on this age on the potty and possibly get results - but the child is not really "trained", as in recognising the signals that the body is giving.  She's likely simply attempting to do what is expected - and honestly, twice is not really that big of a deal.  Yes, it might be to you, and that's fine, but it doesn't mean that you have to expect everyone else to be just as excited.

Your child, your decision of course.  But to an extent I can understand where your mom is coming from.  I will probably become a grandma in the next five years or so, and TBH I'd find it kind of distressing if the parents were attempting potty-training so early.  I would likely not say anything, but I'd be concerned.  Grandparents are allowed to be concerned.

I just want to clarify something on this.  In general, I would agree with you.  However, I also believe that every child is unique and every child's abilities and self-awareness develop at a different pace. 
My child is cloth diapered.  As such, she has recognized a dirty diaper for several months now.  Originally, the plan was never to potty train.  It was to sit her on the potty once an evening (while I ran her bath) to get her comfortable with the chair.  She tinkled the first time I sat her there.  Then the second time.  And the third time.  Right now, she gets about 1/2 - 2/3 of her potties in the toilet, which is pretty stunning for a kid her age.  But it did not take her long to associate the potty with it's proper use and get comfortable with it.
She tells me when she needs to go.  She will say "uh-oh" and head to the bathroom.  When we are out, she'll stop what she's doing and say "uh-oh" and pat her diaper.  So we find somewhere and sit her down.  Again, we get there in time about 1/2 the time, but she recognizes it and tells me "uh-oh" for a potty incident 100% of the time. 

Other children may vary. 

She caught a #2 in time today, which was a REALLY BIG DEAL, and that thrilled me and Mr. K to no end, especially as she had once again warned me with an "uh-oh" that something was coming.

^You may well be right on the training issue, but I'm absolutely certain from your posts on here that no matter what you thought privately with your future grandchild you wouldn't be as openly disbelieving/hostile as Knitterly's mother. I'm sure in the future should I become a grandmother I'll think that DDs are doing some things 'wrong', but I hope that it doesn't come to the point that I've driven them away with my negativity, which seems to be what's happening here.

If my daughters were attempting to train their hypothetical children using punishments or shame then I may feel the need to speak up, but if I just thought it was a bit early and it turned out I was right and after a few times it didn't work I wouldn't say anything other than "Oh, you've decided to give it a rest? That's fine, whatever you think is best, dear. It will happen when you're all ready." I should admit that I'm probably a bit biased because I really lacked confidence with DD1, and listened to my mother's (well intentioned and politely expressed but a bit overbearing) advice too much. My fault entirely, of course, but it did make DD1's babyhood more difficult than it should have been. With DD2 I was more confident, listened to the advice politely, but only followed that which I felt might work for us. Possible due to my experience I still think Knitterly would be best off just not feeding her mother any information. Perhaps it is too early for proper training, but it's unlikely to hurt so there's no need for her mother to comment. Especially since it's a pattern.


I would never use punishments or shame for a load of reasons.  I mean, if LK was 4 or 5 and still pottying in her diaper (during the day, anyway - Mr K and I were both 8 yr old bedwetters, so I won't ever punish bedwetting), I might discipline by taking away a favourite toy or not allowing TV or something.  But right now, my general attitude is "If you want to do this and can succeed, yay!  If not, you're only 1, so it's not a big deal."  She still gets pretty upset on her own when she doesn't make it to the potty in time.  She likes being clean and dry and loves the claps and praise she gets for pottying on her little chair.

I have to agree with people above and the advice that was repeated many times in other thread. Please, please, please stop sharing your milestones with your mom. You are trying too hard to prove your mom wrong with LK's brilliance.

I don't why your mom is such a cloud of downerism, but she really, really is and that is really unfair. (My very average kid has 4 grandmas who all inform me of her amazing skills and intelligence cause that's what grandmas do. My husband and I also tell each other stories of her incredible perception and ability but I don't tell anyone else-even the grandmas. It's our secret until she wins the Nobel Prize, an Oscar and cures both cancer and the middle east crisis)

I know you didn't bring it up with your mom. But you still responded. You accepted it as a topic of discussion and made it such that she could voice her opinion. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? You know what her opinion will be and it won't be nice. Don't give her that power. Don't open that can of worms. Just smile, nod and move one. Once LK is toilet trained you can mention it, but bringing up any attempts to toilet train or talking or walking or writing or anything is just inviting misery into your life.

I'm really, really sorry your mom is like this. It sucks. It isn't fair. But that is the mom you get and you need to protect LK from this.

You are right.
I can share milestones with my mother in law, as she is every bit as thrilled as we are.  Also, we would need to share the potty milestone with her anyway, as she watches LK often and I need her to know the potty signs and schedule (the schedule is new in the last 2 days, as it has cut out daily diapers to 1/3 of what they were).

Unfortunately, no matter what, my own mother would find out eventually about the early potty learning.  I mean, she'll know by Christmas for sure, since we'll be there all day and I'm not going to make LK sit in a diaper all day if she doesn't want to just to avoid judgemental comments.


I'm sure that LK is a delightful little person.  And while I'm not a psychologist - can I say that you seem determined to prove to your parents that she is very advanced?  I'm going by your past posts here.

You previously mentioned wanting to prove to your parents that she was walking and talking much before the "expected" ages - and posters here had to politely tell you that this was really not the case.  And toilet-training - can be either here-or-there, as posters have mentioned.  It's nice that she seems to be co-operating right now, but you do have to be prepared - early-"trained" kids do backslide.

Why not just encourage the extended-family to enjoy her as she is?  In other words - take away the milestone-scorecard.  It doesn't seem to be making any of you happy.

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Re: Delicious post-putdown beandip
« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2012, 12:07:53 PM »
(completely edited to attempt clarity)
I am sorry if I have given the wrong impression, Kareng.  It's not about a milestone scorecard or anything like that.  It's just that these things are what cause my mother to say and do hurtful things.  I mention these things here because they are relevant to the conflict.  I do see that they give an unbalanced view and probably lead to the assumption that I value her achievements over anything else.  I want to try and assure that it's not the case.  I'm not sure if it's possible to convey that online, though, when it is precisely dismissal of my daughter's achievements and milestones that leads to the more difficult conflict.

I'm really not sure how to avoid these things with my family.  I am not ready to cut them out of my life completely.  I think that's kind of like chopping off your hand to cure a wart.  Maybe we'll end up there eventually, but not yet.  Not if I can control my reaction to my mother.

I think my big problem with my mom right now is that I still JADE with her, which is not good.  I need to learn not to do that.  O'Dell is entirely right that I need to learn to be quicker on the beandip.

LK is not "very advanced".  She's a little advanced in some things.  She's smarter than your average bear.  She has her own schedule and her own personality, she's a little ahead on some things, but I truly believe that every child develops at their own unique pace which needs to be respected.  I would like her own personality and abilities to be respected.  It hurts that they are not.  If a 1 year old wants to potty, I actually think it's wrong and irresponsible not to offer them the option just because they aren't 2 or 3 yet. 
My friend's 9 month old is fully walking.  But he has siblings that he needs to keep up with.  He's advanced.  How rude and hurtful would it be if someone saw him having a clingy moment and decided that my friend was lying about him walking just because he's "only 9 months old and everyone knows that babies don't walk until they are at least a year."  There are loads of exceptions to the rules and yes, those children have developed that skill ahead of their peers. 

So yes, I find it rude and hurtful when my mother dimishes the skills that my daughter has just because "everyone knows babies don't do X at Y age."  I am proud of LK for the things she does and not bothered at all by the things she doesn't do.  And honestly, I am still having a really hard time dealing with the fact that the one person in the world who should be as proud of her as I am - her GRANDMOTHER - is not.  And yet she also whines and pitches a fit if she doesn't get to watch LK alone.  I'm in a difficult situation. 

It's not about proving anything.  I am just having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that my mom is so... unmaternal and ungrandmotherly.  You wouldn't believe how much it hurts.  Especially since she is so proud of and grandmotherly towards her other grandkids.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2012, 12:37:49 PM by Knitterly »