Another Neighbour Kid Question

[jedikaiti]

So is she EVER at home? If she go to school with your kids? If so, perhaps you might mention all this to the school's guidance counselor - it sounds like there are problems at home, and perhaps an authority should be aware.

Snarky says to send a note home with her that if you're going to be expected to feed her so often, you expect her to come with cash to cover the cost. Say, $5 per snack, $15 per meal? Maybe more, as an incentive to eat at home? And you need the cash in hand, or no dice.

And POD to the PPs who say that any time DH allows her over against your wishes, HE gets to take care of her. You go run errands or get a pedicure, or just be unavailable at home. They want a snack? DH fixes it. They make a mess? DH gets them to clean it or does it himself. They fight? DH referees. She stays for dinner unexpectedly? The food comes off DH & DDs plates.

[LongtimeLurker]

Last night, we were at a therapy session for my DD and the therapist was asking for a family tree.  DD pipes up, "and "J" on the weekends."  You can just imagine my groans.

And was that even the smallest amount of an eye-opener for your DH that this girl is at your house WAY too much if your DD considers her a member of the family on weekends?

No, it didn't phase him a bit!

He does know what the other parent said.  It just doesn't bother him.

"J" goes to a different school than my DD.  I don't tend to see her around on weeknights.

[jedikaiti]

May I suggest a nice vacation, leaving DH to solo at the controls for a week or two?

[Eden]

I feel sorry for this little girl. I can only imagine what her home life must be like if she 1. Wants to be away all of the time; and 2. Has parents who do not care if she is ever there. I suppose that's just speculation so maybe not fair.

Were I in Op's shoes, I'd do 2 things:

1. Let hubby know this cannot go on. Agree on an every other weekend or one day per weekend or whatever limit. Or, agree to check with each other before giving DD an answer on whether or not Friend can come over.

2. Begin enforcing boundaries with the kid. If you don't mind feeding her lunch, go ahead. Otherwise "We're going to eat lunch now. Friend, it's time for you to go home. You can come back at 1:30."

It would be nice if the other household reciprocated, but I wouldn't get too hung up on that.

[Slartibartfast]

First step is to have another talk with your DH.  Make the following points:

1) You're totally burned out on this girl, even though you know your DD loves her, so even though you're not saying no forever you are saying no for right now

2) You want to enforce a new dynamic where your DD has to ask every time she wants her friend to come over

3) Whichever parent says "yes" has to be in charge, because you're feeling like your DH is obligating you to watch the girls.

So the practical result of this would be to not have the girl over at all this weekend (to help you enjoy some time with your DD - can you guys come up with a family outing or something?).  And in the future, if your DH says yes she can come over, HE is responsible for watching them, feeding them, telling the girl when it's time to go home, etc.  If he can't or doesn't want to do that, he needs to direct your DD to ask you instead.  And if you both say no, your DD will need to either play by herself or play at her friend's house instead.

That doesn't solve the spending-money-on-feeding-the-neighbor-kid question, but I suspect that would be less of an issue if the kid is around less.  And once you get over your burnout (as it sounds like you will, since you do like the kid and so does your DD), you'll enjoy having her around a lot more than you do now.

[GrammarNerd]

I like the latest couple of ideas. 

And one thing to point out...it's not good for your DD to have her time monopolized by this other little girl to the point that it is.  If your husband is so concerned that she have friends, then put the onus on him to find a different friend that she can play with. 

And perhaps ask him this: What if you continue like you are, and DD spends all of her time with this one friend and then she moves away?  What if mom or dad gets a job transfer?  Where will your DD be in the friend situation then?

Also, if she cultivates other friends, it could end up being more of a reciprocal friendship, where she gets invited to other houses.  That's good for her too...to learn that not all households/families work the same, how to behave politely in someone else's house, etc.  She's missing out on all of that now by having this one friend monopolize her time and your family time/house on the weekends.

[RegionMom]

I would like to hear their reasoning as to why your DD cannot use their restroom. 

My kids have grown up with my friends babysitting them, and vice verca on my babysitting their kids, because the adults all knew each other, house and home rules, and kids were like nieces and nephews.  if my DD stays somewhere for dinner, next weekend, a sleepover might be at my house. 

A friendship should be reciprocal, and with mutual respect and understanding, neither party left feeling disadvantaged. 

I am the carpool mom.  A friend of mine is the treats and baked goodies mom.  Another has the party home.  if one has a home that cannot have other kids over, then take them to a game/meal out/putt-putt golf/movie/hike/library trip/event/order a service/etc... to reciprocate. 

Or at least let them use the restroom?!?

[Danika]

I would like to hear their reasoning as to why your DD cannot use their restroom. 

My bet is the parents don't let their own child use the restroom. There was a little girl like this in my neighborhood when I was a kid. Her parents would wake up in the morning, dad would go to work, mom would kick the (often unshowered, no combed hair) little girls out the door right after he left, and lock the door behind them. She'd let them back in around 6pm when the dad came home, around dinnertime. The older girl was my age and she would go from house to house knocking on doors or chit-chatting with people who were in their yards. She'd often come to our house and immediately use the restroom. Her mom didn't let her in her own house to go to the bathroom because she didn't want to clean up after her. She didn't want to be bothered.

Sadly, I can think of two other families like this. One was a friend, the other was a cousin. My cousin's stepmom did this to him when he was about age 5-18. He'd tell his dad (my uncle) and his dad didn't believe him because the stepmom would lie. My cousin finally learned to leave his bedroom window open a crack. He'd get kicked out at 8am in the summertime. There was no school and he had nothing to do. He'd crawl back in through the window and spend the day silently in his bedroom hoping his stepmother didn't know he was in bed reading books or playing quietly with toys.

[Piratelvr1121]

My heart breaks for kids like that.  DH did in the past threaten the boys that he'd lock them out during the summer so that they'd have to play outside for a while, get some exercise and stuff, but I wouldn't let him, just for that reason, that I didn't want them feeling they couldn't come home to use the bathroom.