The. Very. Nerve. (BG in Post #15, Updates in post 66 and 68 [!])

[Lexophile]

I posted some time ago about a babysitter that wasn't working out. I can't post a link to the original thread because I asked a Mod to remove it. Long story short, the person was needy, entitled, and immature to the point where it was starting to become burdensome to keep her around.

Right before a major transition in my DD's life, she quit with no warning. It was a mixed blessing because, while it solved the problem of dealing with an increasingly uncomfortable situation that was quickly coming to an inevitable end, I didn't know she was quitting until 11 pm the night before the transition for my daughter. She had sent an email and because I rarely check the account, it was only by dumb luck that I received notification in time to save my work week.

After a stressful transition to a new school and a difficult and intense search for a new caregiver, we have finally settled into a much better situation. We were able to find someone who so far has been a perfect fit and is the picture of reliability and stellar work ethic. She's been with us for almost three weeks now and I couldn't be happier with her.

Well, today, I received an email from old babysitter. After a detailed description of recent events in her life, she wants to apologize now for putting us in a difficult position. All of this seems reasonable.

Until we get to the fifth paragraph of her email. She wants to continue tutoring my daughter (she speaks a specific foreign language we are trying to expose DD to), but is only offering to do so if we agree to do it close to her home. She wants to pick up DD from school and spend an afternoon with her every week, then meet me later on to pick her up. If that plan doesn't work for us, then she still wants to meet with us one more time "to say goodbye and make the transition less painful for everybody."

Um, NO.

I won't even begin to say what's on my mind about the whole "making it easier for everyone" bit. This happened a month ago. The only person that would benefit emotionally from one more visit is her. And I am DONE stroking her ego at my DD's expense. She up and left without so much as a by-your-leave right when we needed help the most, didn't even acknowledge that my 3yo was attached to her and had to deal with her sudden disappearance, and now wants to spend unsupervised time with her every week *on her terms*?

Am I overreacting to be upset about this? I plan on writing back the following email:

"Babysitter:

Thank you for the update. I'm glad to see that things are calming down and that you and yours are doing well. We have established a routine and DD is doing great in her new school.

I appreciate that you had a special friendship with her; however, our new situation is only now beginning to settle, and I do not want DD to get mixed messages. While we understand why you could no longer be available to help us, I think it's better for DD if we don't complicate the current situation with any visits.

We wish you all the best."

I have also notified the school and my DD's teachers that, if she comes to the school and asks to see DD, I want her nowhere near my daughter. I don't think she's dangerous, but I wouldn't put it past her to "happen by" one day just to get closure for herself.

Any suggested changes for my response? Am I right to be angry?

Edited for typos.

[NyaChan]

You are definitely not overreacting, but honestly that email is way too friendly and open to communication.  If you are so worried about her that you think she might try to do an end run around you and get to your child at school, your response should be way more short and business-like.

"Babysitter,  We have already made arrangements for our child with other service providers.  Thank you for your years of service, we wish you the best of luck."

[Betelnut]

Eh, I would ignore her email altogether.  People who are willing to put you in that position (quitting with no notice) don't deserve a response.

Susan

[Ceallach]

I don't think she deserves a response seeing your relationship has been terminated.   But the problem then is that she's likely to contact you again if she doesn't hear anything, so I personally find it's easiest to address things.  (And I think you did the right thing notifying the school that she is no longer involved in your DDs life and should not be given access).

I think what you've written is fine although I would suggest being slightly firmer in your wording, perhaps:


Babysitter,

Thank you for the update. I'm glad to see that things are calming down and that you and yours are doing well.

Since you quit we have made other arrangements for DD and now have an established routine in place.  DD is doing great in her new school and has spent the past few weeks adjusting to the changes.   Therefore we will not be requiring your services and don't want her to have any further disruption.   

We wish you all the best.

[JoyinVirginia]

I like nyachans brief and to the point email. You can expose your child to a language in many other ways.

[Ginya]

I think what you've written is fine although I would suggest being slightly firmer in your wording, perhaps:


Babysitter,

Thank you for the update. I'm glad to see that things are calming down and that you and yours are doing well.

Since you quit we have made other arrangements for DD and now have an established routine in place.  DD is doing great in her new school and has spent the past few weeks adjusting to the changes.   Therefore we will not be requiring your services and don't want her to have any further disruption.   

We wish you all the best.

POD to this. It's firm and leaves little room for additional communication. I suspect she'll reiterate her request for a closing meeting and in that case I'd go with "I'm afraid that won't be possible.".

[JenJay]

I think your email is spot-on!

[bonyk]

"Babysitter,  We have already made arrangements for our child with other service providers.  Thank you for your years of service, we wish you the best of luck.

I vote for this one.  The less said on your part, the better.

[TootsNYC]

I think that's way too much verbiage. I hope it felt good to type it out, though!

I would either say:
1) this is basically junk marketing email, so don't respond at all
or
2) Just say, "sorry, we're pretty busy lately. Glad to hear things are better. Best of luck."

And leave it at that.

I do like Ceallach's, though.

[johelenc1]

As a former nanny, I am close to this one.  I think if her reasons for her sudden departure were real and reasonable, then offering a bit of grace and understanding would be a kindness.  She is clearly regretting her decision and struggling with her loss of your daughter.  Not having a chance to say goodbye will be something she will regret the rest of her life.  I can honestly say, it's probably keeping her up at night.

Is any of this your problem?  Not really.  But does this young person, who appears to have had some kind of major stress in her life at the time deserve an act of grace?  I would say yes.

I agree your primary concern is your daughter.  However, she's 3.  Unless she was seriously traumatized by her leaving, your daughter might enjoy seeing the babysitter again and after the "one last goodbye", a simple, "babysitter is really busy and we haven't been able to make a playdate" should hold her off until she forgets about her.

I do agree there's no reason to do the language classes or have her pick her up from school, but I personally have a hard time not wanting to let her say good-bye.

[yokozbornak]

Dear Babysitter,

Oh, E-Hell no!

Lexophile

[still in va]

"Babysitter,  We have already made arrangements for our child with other service providers.  Thank you for your years of service, we wish you the best of luck.

I vote for this one.  The less said on your part, the better.

Lex, if you were open at all to a possible continued relationship down the road (wayyyyyy down the road), i would use Ceallach's.  if the door is closed and you want no further contact, use Nya's response.  and has already been posted, if she comes back again, then you resort to the "That's not possible" response.  your DD is 3, this person is an adult.  she can just deal with it.  no need to stir up your little one now that she's settled.

[still in va]

As a former nanny, I am close to this one.  I think if her reasons for her sudden departure were real and reasonable, then offering a bit of grace and understanding would be a kindness.  She is clearly regretting her decision and struggling with her loss of your daughter.  Not having a chance to say goodbye will be something she will regret the rest of her life.  I can honestly say, it's probably keeping her up at night.

Is any of this your problem?  Not really.  But does this young person, who appears to have had some kind of major stress in her life at the time deserve an act of grace?  I would say yes.

I agree your primary concern is your daughter.  However, she's 3.  Unless she was seriously traumatized by her leaving, your daughter might enjoy seeing the babysitter again and after the "one last goodbye", a simple, "babysitter is really busy and we haven't been able to make a playdate" should hold her off until she forgets about her.

I do agree there's no reason to do the language classes or have her pick her up from school, but I personally have a hard time not wanting to let her say good-bye.

jolene, i don't really remember clearly the circumstances of the babysitter leaving suddenly.  but i also don't know that this babysitter was young. 

since i can't go back and reread the original post, i don't know what the issues were.  i think there are times when it's not necessary for the babysitter to have the chance to tell the child good-bye.  it sounds to me like the babysitter didn't have any trouble walking away before. that she now regrets that decision, and wants "closure" really isn't Lex's problem. 

Lex has just gotten her daughter settled into a new routine.  she'd know better than i do if it would be upsetting for her daughter to have a "goodbye" with the former sitter.  if the sitter really cares about the child, she'll accept a "no way in E-Hell" from Lex.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

I think I personally would send an email, and I would keep it polite but I wouldn't make it sound at all friendly because I'm afraid that might send a message you don't want to send. Polite doesn't have to be friendly.

Something like: "Thank you for the email. DD has already transitioned into another care situation and we don't wish to confuse her her by establishing contact again. We won't need you to tutor her again either." You could add a "we wish you the best" to have a closing that makes it sound less harsh, but I'd keep it fairly cold and I might not include that so she doesn't get it in her head she's going to have a relationship with your daughter again.

[MrTango]

I'd just delete the email without response.