Author Topic: The. Very. Nerve. (BG in Post #15, Updates in post 66 and 68 [!])  (Read 16063 times)

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QueenofAllThings

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #30 on: October 10, 2012, 07:28:05 AM »
The Queen has been around the block a few times, and the Queen feels this is less about closure and more about salary (hence the tutoring offer).

still in va

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #31 on: October 10, 2012, 07:37:10 AM »
The Queen has been around the block a few times, and the Queen feels this is less about closure and more about salary (hence the tutoring offer).

the Queen and still in va apparently wander around the same block. 

it occurs to me that the "one last meeting to say goodbye" would be an excellent opportunity for the former babysitter to show Lexophile just how much her DD has missed the FB.  so of COURSE Lex will be happy to pay for her time one afternoon a week.  obviously, former babysitter is not familiar with the concept of burning one's bridges.

ClaireC79

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #32 on: October 10, 2012, 07:38:10 AM »
DD has already transitioned and we have no need for your services, therefore there is no need to meet up

WillyNilly

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #33 on: October 10, 2012, 08:19:37 AM »
When I was about 2.75 years old, my family moved. Before that I had a regular babysitter. I did remember her in snippets for years. But I *know* I didn't remember a "goodbye" because I remember asking my mom many times as a kid what happened to her and my mom aswering "we moved away." I assure everyone, I was not scared or hurt by that at all. It was in fact I think a good experience for me, in that it taught me that people sometimes come & go from life. Lex, your kid will be fin. And that really all that should matter to you... well no, in fact not seeing this woman means you will not have that stress either, which is also important. Its all good, send one of the colder 'just the facts' blow-off emails and never open one from her again.

lowspark

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #34 on: October 10, 2012, 08:38:12 AM »
It seems to me that the point of the letter is to get you to hire her back as a language tutor. All the rest is just commentary. The request to meet up again for a final good bye is an attempt at manipulation on her part to get you to agree to hire her back if you say no.

Cicero said it first but my thought is to reply a very short, very curt, and very plain:
No thank you.

Then block her email.
I do understand the point of view of caregivers who are posting here. It can be heart wrenching to never see a child you've cared for again. But this is a case of bed, made, lie. And there's no way I'd expose my three year old to this person again if I could help it.

Coley

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #35 on: October 10, 2012, 09:44:35 AM »
Put me in the cynical camp. It sounds like the sitter's concern isn't for your DD but for herself. OP, you don't owe her closure or anything else. If you chose to ignore her e-mail, that would be reasonable. If you chose to send one of the great responses provided in this thread, that would be reasonable as well. But you don't owe her a response.

andi

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #36 on: October 10, 2012, 09:53:05 AM »
I'm not a doctor, just a mom of 3.  IMO, the immediate transition of losing the babysitter had to be hard for her, at this point, she is now past this.  Is there a chance at some point it will affect her in the future? Yep, but the damage has already been done - the babysitter was there one day and out of her life the next day.  A good-bye this far down the road is not for the daughter, it is for the babysitter.  If she'd been someone who'd been reliable and truly seemed to be the child first, and the exit was due to an emergency, I'd say get together.  But it sounds like the exit was due to the babysitter not taking the responsibility of her job seriously, and this good-bye is for her.  Unfortunately, she's asked too much of the OP and the door that was open to being there for her has closed.  I'd delete the email, block the address and move on.

Parking my POD right here.

Zilla

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Re: The. Very. Nerve.
« Reply #37 on: October 10, 2012, 09:58:28 AM »


Extra BG (for clarity's sake):

This person basically used me as a dumping ground for her trainwreck of a life. She stopped showing up on time. She kept asking for more and more favors (pay advances, schedule changes, a shoulder to cry on when things went wrong - and they constantly went wrong). It all boiled down to one thing - it wasn't about my DD anymore. It was about keeping the babysitter afloat regardless of how it was affecting everybody else involved. I began to worry about the influence that all the extra drama was going to have on my child.

Her age was never an issue. To me, that's irrelevant. The problem was unprofessional behavior that bordered on toxicity. She was self-centered, emotionally immature, and somehow got it in her head that it was my responsibility to be her friend. The bile rises in my stomach at the thought of EVER having contact with her again. When I saw that she'd sent me an email, my blood pressure ticked up just reading her name. In my head, I had the same thought that I did when she was working with us and she sent me a text or started a sentence with, "Would it be possible ..." I always immediately thought, "What NOW?"

ETA: Anyone reading this notice my e-hell signature quote? I picked this one specifically because of her.   \/


Based on this update, I would be blunt and email:


I am glad things are looking up for you.   Thank you for your offer to tutor but we have made other arrangements. 


Thank you,
Lex


Keep it simple and ignore the request to meet.  If she emails again, ignore.  Sorry you had to put up with this!

wallaby

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #38 on: October 10, 2012, 10:55:55 AM »
Ok I know I am seriously in the minority on this one  :-[, but I actually think a polite but firm, relatively detailed reply is appropriate, so there is no question of why there will be no further contact or employment. I think the babysitter really needs to be told which aspects of her work were unacceptable, and I think the OP spelling it out for her would be not only be entirely appropriate as her former employer, but therapeutic for the OP herself. I think OP is then fine to ignore any future emails.

I do think it is necessary to acknowledge the apology that was offered, and indicate whether or not it is accepted. (I don't think the OP is under any obligation to accept it). I also think it is appropriate to let the babysitter explicitly know the impact of her sudden departure (difficulties experienced in having to replace her at short notice, the distress babysitter's sudden departure caused daughter, etc). Much of this could almost be cut and pasted from the original post here. With the update, I also think it would be appropriate to spell out the specific issues with her work performance in general. It might even be worth explicitly stating you will not be able to recommend her services if you think she is likely to ask.

KarenK

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #39 on: October 10, 2012, 11:11:05 AM »
In the interest of full disclosure, I have no children, but I did have one unbalanced aunt. The former Babysitter reminds me very much of her.

I think the potential for manipulation of the OP's DD here is very high. "Remember all the fun we had? Don't you want me to watch you again?" That kind of stuff.

Either that, or the former babysitter will become very emotional and upset the OP's DD, who will not understand any of it. This is what my aunt did.

Add in the "I'll tutor her on my terms" bit, and overall, I don't like the sound of any of this.

I'd use one of the more brief responses suggested above. I think the OP does need to respond, but give no hint of friendship or encouragement.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #40 on: October 10, 2012, 11:20:10 AM »
OP, I think you need to look at how you respond in terms of what is best for your own sanity and well being.  This person left you high and dry so if you decide you don't want to respond at all and block her email?  Totally appropriate.  If it would make YOU feel better to respond somehow, decide what response would be best for you.  If a short and sweet 'Thank you for the offer but  DD is settled and we have no further need for your services.  Please do not contact us again' is what is best for you?  Go for it.

If you want to write up a detailed response outlining all the reasons why you have no interest in ever seeing this woman again, do it.  But don't send it.  Write it in Word rather than Outlook to make it easier to resist the temptation to send it.  Print it and burn it if you like.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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sourwolf

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #41 on: October 10, 2012, 11:24:44 AM »
I think you need to reply if only so that it is made absolutely clear that you don't want to have any further contact with her.  If she is so used to "no boundaries" I could see her thinking that no reply meant you didn't get the e-mail or as a tacit "ok" for her to stop by.

bopper

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #42 on: October 10, 2012, 11:49:23 AM »
Seeing your daughter again would only make things less painful for the old babysitter, not your daughter.

Amara

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #43 on: October 10, 2012, 12:20:23 PM »
First, I think you do need to respond to her message. And not because of courtesy either. If you do not not respond, she has no way of knowing you received the message. It could have easily gone astray, and she will surely try again, at least once, perhaps several times. Save yourself the trouble and answer it now.

Second, you choice of how to answer has been well addressed here. I tend to agree more with Nya and those who feel a very brief reply is the way to go. I wouldn't address your daughter in it at all. It would read more along the lines of this:

Babysitter,

It is good your life is better now, but we will not be using your services again or meeting with you. Please do not contact us ever again.

Cordially,

OP

Lexophile

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Re: The. Very. Nerve. (more background in Post #15)
« Reply #44 on: October 10, 2012, 02:00:52 PM »
Thanks everyone for your advice. It only confirms my feelings and gives me confidence for my chosen course of action.

Because old babysitter left so abruptly, she left some things at our house that belonged to her. This morning, I boxed it all up and sent it back. No note. I made sure everything was in there so that she would have no logical reason to contact us ever again.

I think I will respond to the email, only to confirm that I did receive it. I also want to make good and certain that I document a clear, unmistakable message to her that I want no further contact. I'll be polite, but in the unlikely event that things escalate, I want proof that she knows our wishes.
"Submission to what people call their 'lot' is simply ignoble. If your lot makes you cry and be wretched, get rid of it and take another." - Elizabeth von Arnim