Another Neighbour Kid Question

[LongtimeLurker]

I have a question. I will preface to say that I am the type of person who needs alone time, so I am not sure if my feelings are unreasonable on this matter.

My daughter's best friend is at my house each day of each weekend. It is very rare for them to play at her friend's home. When at my home, I am expected to provide all snacks and meals. Friend's parents never call her home for supper/lunch. Another neighbour mom has approached me because she knows kid is at my house alot and commented that she has fed this kid each day of some weeks.

My DH and I differ because he likes that my daughter has friends and, well, he isn't around much to be dealing with the extra kid in the house. I think it can be a hindrance, one reason being that my daughter ends up being monopolised by one kid.

I am beginning to feel resentful because I always have an extra kid to take care of and it feels very unfair that the relationship isn't 2-way. I have spoken with the girl's mother and she says that it's because her daughter prefers to play at other friends' homes. The Mom runs a dayhome and I think just wants a break from kids herself and sends her daughter off to wherever. The only time I haven't had her kid all weekend was when we were away on holidays!

My daughter goes to her dad to ask if friend can come over cause he's "yes man" !  This past weekend, I had spoken to my hubby because we were having family over for dinner and I was adamant that she not be here for the meal.  Dinner time and he was really wanting to invite her for dinner but I said No.  (My SIL, who doesn't hold her tongue very well, at one point during the weekend asked this kid if she had a home cause "it must be nice not to have to care for your own kid."  SIL even told my hubby he needs to set boundaries with this kid.)  Another time, the kids come into our home because my daughter "is not allowed to use the bathroom there."  Seriously!?!

I know I am entitled to my feelings but am I being unreasonable? Would you feel take advantage of or tired of hosting this kid?  How the heck do I get hubby on board?

[rashea]

Yes. I really don't care if the other kid prefers playing at other houses. If that's the case, then the Mom could reciprocate by taking them to the park or something. And you can send her home at meal times, that's fine, especially if the other Mom thinks it's reasonable to send your DD home to use the bathroom.

You could also be proactive. Tell your DD she can have a friend one day each weekend. Then she picks a friend and you make arrangements. That gives her a chance to choose, rather than have one friend who just shows up. It also gives you a day without extra kids. And with a wider group of friends, you should get reciprocal play days.

[camlan]

I think I'd feel taken advantage of, as well.

How I'd get DH on board? I'd inform him that the next time he says "yes" to Friend coming over, I'd be leaving the house for the day and he'd be in charge of both girls, since he thinks it's such a good idea for your daughter to have her friend over all the time. And I'd make sure to carry through on that.

I don't think it is at all unreasonable to want one or two days a week that are just for family, where you do family things without outsiders.

[SPuck]

I think you have two issues here. Communication issues with your husband, it sounds like your daughter already knows how to circumvent your nos, and the kid being over all the time. In the case of the child, it is always okay to say no. There is nothing mean or wrong about it. You just have to work on getting your husband on board with that. If it were mea I would probably say if you want this child over so much you can watch her and out children on X,Y, and Z days, but that is just me.

[Redneck Gravy]

First, IMO, your SIL should not be allowed to ask sarcastic questions of this child.

You have several options (1) accept that she is going to be there all of the time or (2) set some boundaries on when she can be there, etc.

This behavior will continue as long as you allow it to.  You and DH need to get on the same page.  Let him arrange to be with the girls a day or two and provide the snacks, meals & supervision.   

You say you have to provide all the snacks and meals - STOP.  Tell your DD that on Saturday she will need to make arrangements to eat lunch at friends house, make sure she understands that she needs to relay that information to friend - or you tell friend or call her parents.  You do not need a reason, just state that you will not be providing lunch Saturday.   I don't know how old DD is - but she needs to learn some boundaries here also. 

POD to other mother taking them to the park or somewhere else also.  You are not the entertainment capital of her world.

And you are certainly entitled to your feelings!

[Shoo]

WHY do you feed this child all the time?  The solution is simple.  At snack time and at meal times, send the girl home!  That's what I do!  And it works. 

You cannot be taken advantage of if you do not allow it.  Stop depending on your husband to solve this.  YOU can solve it by just putting your foot down and taking action.  Don't ask him, don't ask your daughter.  Just inform them of what you will be doing from now on. 

Seriously, I think you are making this much more difficult than it needs to be.

[heartmug]

I agree with Shoo:  when it comes meal time, time for her to go home.

[Zilla]

I guess I am wondering why you don't address your own child in this?  Say, "I like your friend but she can only come every other weekend.  You can play at her house on the off weekends if her mom lets you.  Do not ask your father to change this rule.  Understand?"


And enforce it.  Tell your husband of this new rule and to support you in this directly.

[NyaChan]

I think you have a number of options which include:

1) Proactively tell your daughter that her friend cannot come over for the whole weekend so that she can't try to circumvent you and go to your husband.  This would require your husband respecting that you have already said no.
2) Tell the child to go home when you don't want her to be over whether that means sending her home just for a meal or not allowing her to stay and play at all
3) Tell your husband that if he is giving permission to have the girl over, he is the one who will be responsible for caring for them.

[Pippen]

Can I just ask how old they are? Aside from it being intrusive you also have the responsibility for her care and protection while she is at your house and that is quite a big ask.

[Deetee]

If you are asking permission to control the guests in your own home, here it is.

You have the perfect right to send the child home for meals. You have the perfect right to say that your daughter can only have a visitor one day on the weekend. You have a perfect right to say that she can only have this girl over one day on the weekend (and a different friend on the other day). You have a perfect right to tell your husband that if he says "yes", he is responsible for the kids and you are going shopping that day. Of course, you also have the perfect right to invite the kid over 24/7 if you want.

You are the parent and the adult. You get the final say in these matters.

[Roe]

If you are asking permission to control the guests in your own home, here it is.

You have the perfect right to send the child home for meals. You have the perfect right to say that your daughter can only have a visitor one day on the weekend. You have a perfect right to say that she can only have this girl over one day on the weekend (and a different friend on the other day). You have a perfect right to tell your husband that if he says "yes", he is responsible for the kids and you are going shopping that day. Of course, you also have the perfect right to invite the kid over 24/7 if you want.

You are the parent and the adult. You get the final say in these matters.

You also have the right to set a time limit on any and all playdates.  Two hours?  Three?  Thirty minutes?  Doesn't matter, it's your call. 

You are not powerless. 

[Outdoor Girl]

But first and foremost, you have to get DH on board to support the boundaries you set, preferably together.

And if he doesn't respect those boundaries?  Suddenly, you have something urgent to be done that takes you out of the house.   

[JenJay]

First, start saying no when you don't want the child coming over. Even if your DH has said yes, if he's not going to be available to care for them, I'd say "Sorry, DD, but Dad isn't the one who's going to be in charge of you and friend. That would end up being my job and I'm not able to watch her today."

I agree with the PPs saying send her home for snacks and meals.

If Friend calls or comes over and asks to play you can say "Sorry, I can't watch you right now. If you want to play with DD she'll need to play at your house today."

Another thing I've done is, when my kids have gone to a friend's house, told them the friend is not allowed to come home with them unless they call and ask first. I set that rule after my son befriended this kid who'd invite him over for 10 minutes and then his Mom would say it was time for DS to go and send her son to my house for hours. Nope, not happenin'!

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

I've been on both sides of this - I've had "the fun house" where kids hang out while my kid never seems to go there, but I've also been the house they don't want to play at due to my 3-year-old getting involved so they're always over there. I try to reciprocate by taking the neighbor kid along to the movies, etc., but it isn't always easy.

I would probably just say that you're going to eat and it's time for the other child to go home. Say no when they ask if he can eat over. Repeat. You don't have to give a reason or even have a reason. You also don't have to let the friend come over every day. Say you want a quiet day sometimes and so no, they can't play at your house. Just set boundaries and enforce them. You can't make someone else reciprocate, but you can set your own boundaries.