Another Neighbour Kid Question

[TootsNYC]

I would tell my daughter and my husband that my daughter needs one day a weekend in which she does not play with this child at all.

It's family time; it's "be yourself" time; it's "play with some other kid" time.

Maybe even one weekend a month where this kid isn't here.

I wouldn't focus too much, personally, on the kid and what her life is like. I'd focus on my own family, my own child, and the need for my child to have some "space" (because I believe inthis, actually).

And then announce it to everyone as a rule, and hold to it.

And send her home whenever you don't want her there.

I would also say that you need tos et some rules in your family about who gets to decide which kids can come over and when. And if your DD tries to go around you to Daddy, you land on her.

[WillyNilly]

You don't say how old your DD is, but I can tell you I remember in 3rd grade having a friend who would come to my house to play a lot and then finally my mom telling me I could stay friends with her but only if she had me over once in a while. My mom explained she felt like she was being used as free babysitting.  I understood as a kid.  And it was a really good lesson for her to impress upon me. 

So my advice would definitely be to get your DD involved in the conversation (in an age appropriate manner) and explain to her your issues.  Your DD no doubt loves you and wants to he helpful, she might start sticking up for you herself "hey friend we're always at my house.  My mom deserves a break, let play your house today!"

[Betelnut]

How old are the kids?  I would totally love it if my daughter had a playmate to keep her out of my hair for a lot of the time on the weekend.  Playing House is not my idea of a good time!  Plus, it would be a lot more fun for my kid than hanging out with me most of the time.  My daughter is 6.5 years old. 

Agree with others--if the child lives nearby, just send her home to eat and tell her, "You can come back in an hour--after you've eaten!"

[hannahmollysmom]

When my girls were little, and even through middle school and high school, they had a friend like that who lived a few houses down the street. She spent most of her weekends at my house. I was the fun house! Both her parents were OCD and she wasn't allowed to have friends over, and if they did allow it once in a while, it was very uncomfortable for my children as they felt they couldn't move. Both houses had pools but ours was more fun because I didn't mind a little noise. We had pets which she loved. (she even had a pet hamster at our house as she wasn't allowed any pets at home, that she took total care of.) She often spent the night too. I referred to her as my 3rd child.

Now they are adults, they are still close, and I still refer to her as my extra kid.

That being said, you are not required to feed her meals. You can send her home and if you want her to come back after, your daughter can contact her, and if not, then don't. While I allowed this sort of lost child to hang with us, you don't have to. It is your choice.

[Hmmmmm]

As others have said, set the rules and stick to them. 

Buy I personally wouldn't encourage my DD to spend time at friend's house.  The parents sound too disengaged with their own child's activities to believe they'd adequately supervise my child. 

[Piratelvr1121]

I've been on both sides of this - I've had "the fun house" where kids hang out while my kid never seems to go there, but I've also been the house they don't want to play at due to my 3-year-old getting involved so they're always over there. I try to reciprocate by taking the neighbor kid along to the movies, etc., but it isn't always easy.

I would probably just say that you're going to eat and it's time for the other child to go home. Say no when they ask if he can eat over. Repeat. You don't have to give a reason or even have a reason. You also don't have to let the friend come over every day. Say you want a quiet day sometimes and so no, they can't play at your house. Just set boundaries and enforce them. You can't make someone else reciprocate, but you can set your own boundaries.

Same here. First year we were here,we were the fun house and there were a few kids who ALWAYS wanted to be over here. It didn't help that at the time we had a Wii. Even the kid who had one at home came over to play it here!  And I was constantly having to tell the kids to stop fighting or lower their voices.  One girl insisted she couldn't be out in the heat during the summer so I just couldn't send her outside. I'd tell her that if her grandmother worried so much about her fainting, she ought to keep her at home.  This girl had also learned how to play her mom and grandmother against each other.

Like once she told her grandmother that her mom couldn't take her to Back To School Night, but grandmother didn't need to take her cause I would!  Mind you, she hadn't even asked me if I would. Thankfully the grandmother asked me about it once when I'd brought the girl back, so the child got caught in her lie.

These days it's very rare that we have friends of the boys over.  In fact we had to have a talk with them about overstaying their welcome. Thankfully I was able to say "Remember how annoyed you were when Katie wouldn't go home?"

[bloo]

When my girls were little, and even through middle school and high school, they had a friend like that who lived a few houses down the street. She spent most of her weekends at my house. I was the fun house! Both her parents were OCD and she wasn't allowed to have friends over, and if they did allow it once in a while, it was very uncomfortable for my children as they felt they couldn't move. Both houses had pools but ours was more fun because I didn't mind a little noise. We had pets which she loved. (she even had a pet hamster at our house as she wasn't allowed any pets at home, that she took total care of.) She often spent the night too. I referred to her as my 3rd child.

Now they are adults, they are still close, and I still refer to her as my extra kid.

That being said, you are not required to feed her meals. You can send her home and if you want her to come back after, your daughter can contact her, and if not, then don't. While I allowed this sort of lost child to hang with us, you don't have to. It is your choice.

I just want to say 'thank you for saving that kid from probably being an OCD wreck'!

I know a family of 4 kids, all adults now. The youngest one has the best personality because she was taken in by another family. She was an 'oops' baby and her mother was just too tired to deal with her. The parents and older siblings are socially 'odd' but the youngest has the outgoing personality of the family that took her in.

[LongtimeLurker]

Thank you everyone!  I know my biggest hurdle is going to be setting boundaries and getting my husband on board.  He was the kid that was always at the friend's home so he has no problem with it.  I was taught that a friendship is give and take and I just feel that it is all take right now. 

Last weekend, I told my hubby explicitly that she wasn't welcome at our home and as soon as I was out of the house taking YDD for a walk, she was in playing.  My SIL knew the girl wasn't welcome and, well, she's the poster girl for boundary stompers and her commentary would have been shut down if I had been home.


Last night, we were at a therapy session for my DD and the therapist was asking for a family tree.  DD pipes up, "and "J" on the weekends."  You can just imagine my groans.

I like the girl, I like the parents, I just cannot be this kid's guardian on the weekends.  I have been sending her home and I have sent them to play outside and told them she cannot been here on certain days.   

Thanks again and I am going to keep plugging on the boundaries.

[Piratelvr1121]

Good luck with the spine polishing and boundary setting!  One thing that always annoyed me about the one girl who was always over here for a while.  She got out of school before my boys did and as soon as she'd get home she'd come down here saying "My mom said you'd probably like some girl company since you only have boys."

At the time I wasn't quite sure how to answer that one without hurting the girl's feelings.  But then she started attending the same school as the boys so it wasn't an issue.

Though at one point the mother said, without the girl around "Well I bet you like having some girl time with Katie!" I said "Actually, nothing against Katie, but I honestly enjoy time to myself, especially in the moments right before the boys come home and my peace and quiet is gone until 9pm."

[still in va]

Good luck with the spine polishing and boundary setting!  One thing that always annoyed me about the one girl who was always over here for a while.  She got out of school before my boys did and as soon as she'd get home she'd come down here saying "My mom said you'd probably like some girl company since you only have boys."

At the time I wasn't quite sure how to answer that one without hurting the girl's feelings.  But then she started attending the same school as the boys so it wasn't an issue.

Though at one point the mother said, without the girl around "Well I bet you like having some girl time with Katie!" I said "Actually, nothing against Katie, but I honestly enjoy time to myself, especially in the moments right before the boys come home and my peace and quiet is gone until 9pm."

and her answer to this was? 

[Roe]

Thank you everyone!  I know my biggest hurdle is going to be setting boundaries and getting my husband on board.  He was the kid that was always at the friend's home so he has no problem with it.  I was taught that a friendship is give and take and I just feel that it is all take right now. 

Last weekend, I told my hubby explicitly that she wasn't welcome at our home and as soon as I was out of the house taking YDD for a walk, she was in playing.  My SIL knew the girl wasn't welcome and, well, she's the poster girl for boundary stompers and her commentary would have been shut down if I had been home.


Last night, we were at a therapy session for my DD and the therapist was asking for a family tree.  DD pipes up, "and "J" on the weekends."  You can just imagine my groans.

I like the girl, I like the parents, I just cannot be this kid's guardian on the weekends.  I have been sending her home and I have sent them to play outside and told them she cannot been here on certain days.   

Thanks again and I am going to keep plugging on the boundaries.

Wow, I don't think J is your problem.  I think your husband is!  How disrespectful and inconsiderate he was to you! 

I wish I had some advice for that. 

[Hopefull]

I have a similar issue. The kid is nice and all but I set my limits. I will not feed them more than 3 meals a week. Now if the kids had no food at home or their parents were struggling I would for sure feed them more. But they are not hurting for food. I do feel bad when the kid is standing there staring as I set the table but he does have food at home. I then ask him to go home as we are eating dinner and escort him to the door.

Figure out what you are comfortable with. If you want to have a nice quiet dinner with just your family definitely send the child home.

But I got to wonder why it is that your child can't use the bathroom  at their house. If you have done so much for their child and they refuse your kid something so simple as using the bathroom might make me wonder what the problem is.

[Piratelvr1121]

Good luck with the spine polishing and boundary setting!  One thing that always annoyed me about the one girl who was always over here for a while.  She got out of school before my boys did and as soon as she'd get home she'd come down here saying "My mom said you'd probably like some girl company since you only have boys."

At the time I wasn't quite sure how to answer that one without hurting the girl's feelings.  But then she started attending the same school as the boys so it wasn't an issue.

Though at one point the mother said, without the girl around "Well I bet you like having some girl time with Katie!" I said "Actually, nothing against Katie, but I honestly enjoy time to myself, especially in the moments right before the boys come home and my peace and quiet is gone until 9pm."

and her answer to this was?

"But girls are different than boys!" I so wanted to say "If that's the case, why are you shoving her off on me?"  Not to mention Katie would try to talk me out of my possessions. "But you have three pairs of hair sticks, can't I have one?"
"No, and don't think I didn't notice you trying to make off with that one."

After I caught her stealing my nail polishes, she was no longer allowed in the house. DH would say "But she might do better if she has someone to set boundaries for her! She has changed since we met her!"  All that changed was that she knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer instead of letting herself in.

By that time she'd overworn her welcome with me and while I had kinda been of the same mindset as him before, she tired me out more than my own kids, and they didn't like her anymore, either.

[GrammarNerd]

Last night, we were at a therapy session for my DD and the therapist was asking for a family tree.  DD pipes up, "and "J" on the weekends."  You can just imagine my groans.

And was that even the smallest amount of an eye-opener for your DH that this girl is at your house WAY too much if your DD considers her a member of the family on weekends?

[still in va]

Last night, we were at a therapy session for my DD and the therapist was asking for a family tree.  DD pipes up, "and "J" on the weekends."  You can just imagine my groans.

And was that even the smallest amount of an eye-opener for your DH that this girl is at your house WAY too much if your DD considers her a member of the family on weekends?

and did you share with your DH what the other neighbor told you, OP?  that she is feeding this child every day some weeks?  so your family feeds and cares for her every weekend, and random neighbors feed her throughout the week.  when are HER parents caring for her?  you say that her mom runs a dayhome.  is this a daycare center to babysit children, or is she caring for older people?  if this child's mother can feed those people paying her, why can't she feed her own child?