Awkward situation with DF and planned wedding party - Update #20 - New Info #31

[FenigDurak]

I'm in the beginning stages of planning my wedding with my DF. We have booked a venue, paid the first installment, ordered my gown, chosen a bridal party and come November will begin the process of handling the rest of it. We're hosting a large event the weekend of Halloween, so our minds are a bit preoccupied at the moment.

Last night I went to a dance rehearsal with a friend and the Best Woman, my DF's close friend of more than 10 years. I knew getting into my rel@tionship with DF that he and Best Woman had dated more than a decade ago, but that it never left the awkward stage when they decided it was going nowhere. I've since become good friends with Best Woman.

After the rehearsal, the fee of us girls relaxed a bit with a glass of wine and some chatter. In the course of the night Best Woman asked me if DF still made large decisions without consulting anyone. She went on to say that when they were together he traded in his Land Rover and Lotus for a "big redneck truck" and bought a huge piece of land on the opposite side of town from the airport and all the lakes thus cramping her preferred lifestyle, which was a deal breaker for her.  She went on to say that she knew what DF was making back then, so while the money wasn't a concern, she just didn't want to cramp her lifestyle.

Stupidly I asked her what he was making back then even thought I knew what his salary is today. She grinned a said that DF would never want her to tell something like that. At the time I just shrugged and made a noncommittal response and sipped my wine.

Wrap all of that up with the nice bow of my nightmare last night (I woke up in a cold sweat and panic thought it had little to do with her I think), I've spent a good portion of my afternoon thinking on what Best Woman said. I suspect their rel@tionship was more serious than they both have told me, and while I know there is nothing going on between them now and I also believe that a person's past is just the road that led the to who they are today, this woman is a part of our lives now and is a planned member of our wedding.

So please, EHellions, give me some advice on how to handle this from here?

[ilrag]

What is it that you need to handle?

You feel like your DF and his good friend were not honest with you about their relationship which is a decade old? Is it important to you to know the true extent of their relationship? Do you think sitting down and talking to him or her or them together will clear things up?

Do you want to know how much your DF made 10 years ago, or does it bother you that the friend was withholding information and rubbing it in your face?

[FenigDurak]

Heh, wow, your questions have really put a brighter light on this situation for me. Yes, they are petty little details, and I feel like a right idiot for even caring.

It comes down to BW seemingly rubbing these things in my face when she has never done these things before. I also made sure before getting serious with DF that this past rel@tionship was indeed done as I did not want to move into a powder keg waiting to explode.

[ilrag]

Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to make you feel like an idiot, I was just trying to clarify.

It would bother me if some one was all HERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU DON'T KNOW AND I DO AND LET ME TAUNT YOU WITH IT. (Even if they didn't shout it  )

But if that is the issue (and it would be for me) I'd tell the girl and your DF that it was pretty obnoxious and you don't appreciate that. It sounds like she was just trying to mark her territory as important established friendship even though his status is changing.

[doodlemor]

I think that BW is a bit jealous of your happiness, even though she doesn't want your DF.  Maybe she is just one of those people who likes to cause strife.

If I were you I would stay friendly and polite with her, but on a very superficial level.  If DF wanted her he would still be with her.  He wants you.

Everybody has a past.  Don't worry about his. 

[Surianne]

The clarification really helps.  Knowing that it was her attitude that really irked you makes sense now.

If this is the first time she's ever spoken to you like that, I'd write it off as an off night, if you can.  It can be a little weird seeing someone you dated getting married, no matter the seriousness of the relationship, and she's trying to remind herself (and you) of her importance in his life.

If she does this more than once, though, I'd call her on it and ask her as a friend why she was speaking to you that way -- without involving your fiance.  I agree with ilrag that it's not acceptable and I would flat-out call her on it.

[SamiHami]

I think Surianne's post is spot on, so I'm parking my pod with her.

[WillyNilly]

I get your anxiety but I think its misplaced. Think about it. They told you they broke up because they were an awkard couple. Well having radically different lifestyles and life plans would definitely fit that bill. But just because they were awkward doesn't mean they weren't open about stuff like money.

I bet there's a little bit of BW that's sad & jealous you two are getting married. Not because she wants him romanticly, but because she knows as your lives progress, and your family grows (if that's in the cards for you) her role will lessen. Its always a bit bitter sweet for your best friend to marry someone else, because it means their spouse is their best friend & first priority now. Maybe you have been you DF's best friend & first priority for a while in reality, but the marriage part makes it more 'in her face'.

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

Whatever her motives were, I don't think it was her place to tell you what your DF's salary was, so she wasn't out of line to wiggle out of that. 

[NyaChan]

Whatever her motives were, I don't think it was her place to tell you what your DF's salary was, so she wasn't out of line to wiggle out of that. 

I can get that and agree with Surianne on this one - but what stuck in my craw about what she said was the pretty clear implication that OP's DF was fine with the best woman knowing how much he made, but that he wouldn't want OP, his fiance, to know.  It is like rubbing in something that implies he trusts her more than OP.

[Shoo]

Whatever her motives were, I don't think it was her place to tell you what your DF's salary was, so she wasn't out of line to wiggle out of that. 

I think she WAS out of line that she said she knew his salary and that he wouldn't want her to share it with the OP.  That implied a level of intimacy existed that the OP was unaware of.  Furthermore, this woman practically rubbed it in the OP's face.  How insulting.

I would not be okay with this woman continuing to have a place in my husband's life.  OP, you are a better woman than I if you are not bothered by this.

[MOM21SON]

I think that BW is a bit jealous of your happiness, even though she doesn't want your DF.  Maybe she is just one of those people who likes to cause strife.

If I were you I would stay friendly and polite with her, but on a very superficial level.  If DF wanted her he would still be with her.  He wants you.

Everybody has a past.  Don't worry about his.

POD right here.  However, I think she is a lot jealous.  She is making her stance.  "I knew him first and I know far more than you do."   

I would seriously reconsider the "good friend" status.

[JenJay]

It would bother me if someone in DH's life grinned smugly at me and insinuated they had a secret that DH would want kept from me. I wouldn't like it if one of my friends did that to DH, either.

If you're really curious about his earnings, ask him. If the concern is her "we have a secret" attitude I'd drop it for now but keep my ears sharp in case it happens again. Then I'd give her a big smile and say "Friend, don't be silly. Of course my husband wouldn't care if I knew what his salary was YEARS ago!" If she persists in keeping it a big secret she'll just make herself look foolish.

[Amava]

I would handle this by not rewarding her with attention. Just make non-committal "mhm"-noises if she talks about the past. Show her exactly how much relevance it has to the present, and how much interest you have in it: none. And if that's not completely true, fake it. 

[demarco]

Best Woman's remark was very disrespectful to the OP.  If I were in the OP's position, I would discuss it with my fiancé and tell him I was uncomfortable with it.  My fiance's response to my concerns would tell me a lot. 

I would never be comfortable around this woman again.