Awkward situation with DF and planned wedding party - Update #20 - New Info #31

[gramma dishes]

That's a very strange conversation.  I have to admit it would make me very uncomfortable.  I think your husband's 'friend' is indeed trying to one up you.  It reminds me of grade school --  (said in a singsong way) "I know something you don't know and I'm not going to tell you."

She most definitely is trying to imply that their relationship was closer than you have been led to believe.  I personally doubt if that's true, but I do think that's what she's trying to make you think. 

I agree with demarco.  I'd ask.  I'd start by saying "You know, Hon, the other night your Best Woman said the strangest thing.  I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, but I just thought it was a very unusual thing to say.  She said (insert commentary).  I confess to being curious about why should would say something like that."

[TootsNYC]

I'm going to agree w/ Gramma Dishes--I'd sound out my fiance a little bit.

For one, I think it's quite likely that she's blowing it up--if they broke up so early, why would it matter to her how he spent HIS money? He didn't HAVE anybody with whom he should consult. Certainly not his not-quite-a-girlfriend, right?

So I'd want to sound out things from my guy's perspective.

it would influence how I reacted.

if she was inflating her role in his life at that time, I'd be less forgiving

If she wasn't inflating her role in his life, then I could say to my DH, "Well, I wish you'd been a bit more honest with me." And it might make me the tiniest bit more understanding of her.

Either way, I think it's appropriate to get markedly cooler.

[Hmmmmm]

I'm going to agree w/ Gramma Dishes--I'd sound out my fiance a little bit.

For one, I think it's quite likely that she's blowing it up--if they broke up so early, why would it matter to her how he spent HIS money? He didn't HAVE anybody with whom he should consult. Certainly not his not-quite-a-girlfriend, right?

So I'd want to sound out things from my guy's perspective.

it would influence how I reacted.

if she was inflating her role in his life at that time, I'd be less forgiving

If she wasn't inflating her role in his life, then I could say to my DH, "Well, I wish you'd been a bit more honest with me." And it might make me the tiniest bit more understanding of her.

POD to this.  I thought the same.  In a "dating" relationship, your BF's decision about living locations or investsments shouldn't cramp your "style". 

I think she is trying really hard to demonstrate that she ha a history with your DF that you will never share.  Maybe the wine brought it out, but she is definately trying to mark her territory.

[buvezdevin]

While I agree that the whole "the man you are about to marry would not want me to share what I know of his previous income (or other data points)" was rude *and* odd, what bothers me is that the previous girlfriend-long term close friend opened up the discussion with "does my long term best friend that you are about to marry still make big decisions without consulting anyone".

That sounds like "does he consult you on big decisions, I doubt it and, oh - when he didn't consult me on one that killed my interest in him as a romantic partner."  Which is even more insulting with the follow on "he would not want me to tell you past details".

[NutellaNut]

Buvezdevin, that part stuck out to me, too.  I think the whole episode seems like manipulation on the BW's part to place doubts in the OP's head.  It may well be subconscious, not on purpose, but it sounds to me like BW *is* uncomfortable with DF getting married and is acting out about it.

OP, I like Gramma Dishes' way of sounding out the DF. 

[FenigDurak]

Thanks for all the responses, everyone. Ilrag, you didn't make me feel like an idiot, I was making myself feel like an idiot by stressing over something so trivial. I'm not usually so emotionally responsive, but there was a time in my past where there were a lot of drama llamas who delighted in stirring up trouble, so I guess I'm a little hypersensitive to these things.

I ske with DF over dinner (twice-baked potatoes, yumm!) about what was said. I approached it from the standpoint that her attitude seemed very odd for her. I told him what was said, and that I believe he had been honest with me. His response was apologetic that BW was acting out of character. He said that a little over ten years ago he and BW were the single ones in their circle of friends, and that led him to pursue her as girlfriend potential. She turned him down. They've been friends ever since.

He offered to take her out of the party if it made me uncomfortable. I suggestd that she is likely feeling left out as the only single girl in our circle these days (even her younger brother is in a long term pairing) and perhaps just speaking out of character. The wine didn't help either.  I closed that I didn't need a blow by blow, but rather a little reassurance that it's OK to be concerned with what she said.

He followed that up with showing me his Social Security report from the last 15 years. Lol

[NyaChan]

Glad you guys had a good talk.  I think your response to it was a very fair and smart.

[buvezdevin]

Wonderful update, and best wishes to you and your DF.

[greencat]

I wonder if it's possible that your fiance's idea of how much of a relationship they had 10 years ago and her idea of how much of a relationship they had were rather different.

However, your fiance sounds like a keeper!

[CluelessBride]

Just a thought: since you were with a group of people is it possible that she meant that your fiance wouldn't want her announcing his income to the world?  The conversation is still a bit awkward, but I could see how it could start off fairly innocent and take a weird turn - especially under the influence of a glass or two of lip-loosening wine.

I think your fiance sounds wonderfully on top of things with his response though.  Can't lose with that :-)

[TootsNYC]

He followed that up with showing me his Social Security report from the last 15 years. Lol

There's a guy who's serious about trust!!!

I like that.

(and yeah, maybe it was that she didn't want to reveal it to everyone else--though the whole, "does he still do this?" and the implication that somehow he was supposed to clear that purchase with ANYONE is sort of eye-rolling. I think she was trying to sort of establish that "hey, I was here first, even if I didn't stay.")

[jedikaiti]

I wonder if it's possible that your fiance's idea of how much of a relationship they had 10 years ago and her idea of how much of a relationship they had were rather different.

However, your fiance sounds like a keeper!

Definitely a keeper.

I wouldn't be surprised if her out of character behavior is this, or the whole staking her claim to her friend because she feels threatened that he's getting married, or the last singleton standing discomfort (or some combination) is behind her claim. I'll place my bets on the last two.

Clearly, their relationship was not all that serious at the time, if he was making major purchases without input. I mean, if I were in a relationship that was well established and I thought was headed to the long term, I'd get a little input. Maybe not veto power, but an opinion. Heck, if I felt they knew me well enough (or had a useful perspective), I might get input  from them regardless of relationship. But to buy property without any input indicates it was really new (ie, casual dating at most) or headed nowhere fast.

[Gyburc]

OP, I'm glad you and your DF had a good talk, and I hope everything goes wonderfully well for you!

Regarding the BW, however, she might have been having a bad day. But I would still watch my back around her, just in case.

[JenJay]

Great update! I can tell you from experience that having a partner who can calmly and rationally discuss tense issues makes ALL the difference. I'm happy for you both that you found that with each other! 

[ettiquit]

He followed that up with showing me his Social Security report from the last 15 years. Lol

LOL - that's awesome!  Everything he said was spot on, and I'm glad for you.

BW seems to have a touch of resentment/jealously, and I don't think you're over-reacting at all.