Awkward situation with DF and planned wedding party - Update #20 - New Info #31

[JeanFromBNA]

1.  She's concerned about money.  2.  She feels stuck to the past.  3.  She also may feel like life is passing her by (heavy assumption here, but possible).

None of this is enviable.  How sad that she can't be happy for her old and her new friends.  I suggest that you take the lead and ask her if everything is all right.  If that doesn't feel comfortable, then just ignore, bean dip, redirect.  I wouldn't tell your DF about every transgression every time it happens.  If it goes too far, then sit him down, explain all of the problems and how you tried to handle them, and suggest some alternative arrangements for your wedding. 

[Mikayla]

I say it's time to return to DF's question about whether you'd feel more comfortable if she's asked to step down.  Change your answer to "yes".

Even though it appears obvious that this is coming from her head and not his heart, it has the potential to wear you down over time, and there's no reason for you to be subjected to this. 

It's also your DF's job to handle this.  His long time friend is going out of her way to make you miserable.  Hopefully, he'll know what to say and if doesn't, you need to ask him why. 

[doodlemor]

I say it's time to return to DF's question about whether you'd feel more comfortable if she's asked to step down.  Change your answer to "yes".

Even though it appears obvious that this is coming from her head and not his heart, it has the potential to wear you down over time, and there's no reason for you to be subjected to this. 

It's also your DF's job to handle this.  His long time friend is going out of her way to make you miserable.  Hopefully, he'll know what to say and if doesn't, you need to ask him why.

This.  Absolutely, get this woman out of your wedding.  If she is making you miserable now, just think about what she will do to make you unhappy and spoil your big day. 

[bonyk]

If she's truly close enough to future DH to be his BW, he should be able to have a heart-to-heart with her about the way she's treating you.  If they're not close enough to have a real conversation, then they're not close enough for her to be the BW.

[buvezdevin]

OP, I am wondering how BW was asked to be BW - is she clearly your DF's best friend, did your DF think of her for the role or did she suggest it?  The answers would not mitigate the attitude BW has recently displayed, I am just wondering if she really is a "good" friend who is perhaps unaware that her issues are showing, or if she in any way sought to be named BW.

[jpcher]

If she's truly close enough to future DH to be his BW, he should be able to have a heart-to-heart with her about the way she's treating you.  If they're not close enough to have a real conversation, then they're not close enough for her to be the BW.

DF already showed his shining stars. It sounds like he will take back his request for her to be his BW if it really bothers you.

It's up to you to take the stand and say either "Guess what? Beyotch. No matter what you say, I win." (not particularly e-hell approved ) or take the higher road and bean-dip whenever BW tries to take the low road.


I suggest that you talk to DF and let him clearly know that this is a problem for you. You already brought it up and you tried, again, to be on the polite side with BW but it just isn't working out.

A PPer mentioned "What is her toast going to be like?" Yeah, I wouldn't want to go there.

 

[NyaChan]

Honestly, I'd probably have a hard time not just laughing at her when she says stuff like that.  I mean really, your friend is marrying this woman, joining his life with her, and you think you know more about his plans for the future than she does?  Let her say it if it doesn't bother you too much (in which case rethink the whole wedding party thing maybe?)- she is just making herself look stupid. 

[LifeOnPluto]

Hmm... it's hard to tell what's going on with the BW. It could be just some temporary insecurity that her best friend is getting married, and she's worried about her place in his life. Or it could mask something deeper - eg maybe she's realised she has strong feelings for him or something?

Whatever, the case, I agree with this:

If she's truly close enough to future DH to be his BW, he should be able to have a heart-to-heart with her about the way she's treating you.  If they're not close enough to have a real conversation, then they're not close enough for her to be the BW.

Your DF should ideally talk to her about what's going on. I wouldn't chuck her out of the bridal party just yet.

[jedikaiti]

Hmm... it's hard to tell what's going on with the BW. It could be just some temporary insecurity that her best friend is getting married, and she's worried about her place in his life. Or it could mask something deeper - eg maybe she's realised she has strong feelings for him or something?

Whatever, the case, I agree with this:

If she's truly close enough to future DH to be his BW, he should be able to have a heart-to-heart with her about the way she's treating you.  If they're not close enough to have a real conversation, then they're not close enough for her to be the BW.

Your DF should ideally talk to her about what's going on. I wouldn't chuck her out of the bridal party just yet.

Perhaps a come-to-$Diety talk would knock some sense back into her. I'll second the notion that STBDH needs to have a "Look, why are you suddenly being so utterly bizarre?" chat with her. Her reaction to THAT will hopefully tell you if it's temporary insanity or someone you both might want to back away from.

[FenigDurak]

I think maybe she's always envisioned herself as his "the one who got away" and enjoyed that bump to her self-esteem

Interesting tidbit: I met DF 6 years ago through a mutual friend. We dated a little, but I lived in a mountainous state and was a college student and he was well established in his home state. Soon after we started a long distance fling, I was accepted to transfer from state school to prestigious private university, so we stopped dating. A few years later I met another mutual friend in Albuquerque to be extras in a Simon Pegg film. Through talking to her I reinitiated contact with DF, and through conversation that summer he told me that I was "the one that got away."  Fortunately for us both, we started up again as I was entering my last year of university time and had quite a few frequent flier miles accumulated.

OP, I am wondering how BW was asked to be BW

Sometime after DF and I started talking marriage, we were out with our large group for St Patricks Day. I corralled my three best girlfriends and one guy friend whom I felt I could trust with anything and who had been supportive and supported and who helped me be my best and asked if they would consider standing up with me should the need arise. Three said yes without hesitation, BW said that I may have to fight DF for her. I thought nothing of it at the time, as our group tends toward odd humor most of the time, and acquiesced when DF agreed that he wanted BW and his 2 brothers. 


Since our big Halloween event is in 2 weekends and the wedding isn't until May, I've decided to let things hang where they are for now, let the big ball of stress pass and then see where BWs mouth takes her. If it relents, then I know it was stress related. If not, then DF and I have some rearranging to do. BTW, DF agrees that it's odd that BW is operating with 10+ year old information and over inflating their past ties.

[rashea]

My only concern with that plan, is whether she'll then start acting up around the wedding. While it's your wedding, so it shouldn't be too much stress for her, I'd hate for her to start acting up again just when you need her support. I think it might be worth talking to her either way, even if the message is, "hey, I know you were stressed, but watch how you take it out on FenigDurak."

[Shoo]

I find myself wondering *why* this woman is your fiance's "best friend."  Why did he pick her to be the one to stand up for him at the most important event of his life?  He has no one else he could pick?  It's hard to imagine that THIS woman is the best friend he's got. 

[TurtleDove]

I'm with Shoo - if I understood correctly, your DF chose BW to be his "best man" and his brothers are simply attendants?  I would be kinda upset if I were the brothers! Either way, I am sorry BW is causing trouble for you.  Hopefully she is simply unaware of how she is acting and coming across and once she is "confronted" she will shape up!

[bopper]

BW reminds me of Julia Robert's character in the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding." 

And yeah, now is the time to rethink BW's role in the wedding.

I was thinking the same thing.

[wyliefool]

BW reminds me of Julia Robert's character in the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding." 

And yeah, now is the time to rethink BW's role in the wedding.

I was thinking the same thing.

Me three. In fact I was thinking 'send her a dvd of that movie.' Or maybe just a youtube link to the climactic scene where she admits the guy didn't choose her.