• May 20, 2018, 08:59:01 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?  (Read 9912 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


  • Member
  • Posts: 116
Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« on: October 12, 2012, 04:37:36 AM »
I want to tell you something that happened to me last week. Roommate says I was rude and that he just wanted to help. I think that he was not helping and that I was not wrong to yell at him. Opinions, please.

That night Roommate was eating dinner, and I was in the kitchen cooking dinner for me. I was nearly finished when I tramped my ring finger with a drawer. I yelped and whimpered. I was nearly bent in half, whimpering, when I hear Roommate shouting from the living room: "put your hand under running water!".

Now, I understand that he thought I burnt my hand (not the first time it happens), and because I was still bent and whimpering I didn't say anything (I couldn't talk). He didn't hear the water running and shouted again to get my hand under water. Then he came into the kitchen to yell at me for being stubborn and ignore him, and then I recovered my voice and yelled at him that my hand was not burnt, that water was not needed and to stop shouting at me. He got defensive and shouted that I was being ungrateful. I shouted back at him grateful for what exactly, and we got mad at each other for two days.

There was insults, too, but I didn't translate that bit.

What do you think?
GNU Terry Pratchett


  • Member
  • Posts: 3899
  • Trap...Neuter...What was that third thing again?
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2012, 04:45:04 AM »
I think someone that yells at an injured person for ignoring them (and then for being stubborn and for not showing gratitude for nonexistent help) deserves any response short of violence that the injured person gives them.


  • Member
  • Posts: 972
  • I like big books, and I cannot lie
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2012, 05:13:08 AM »
Just replying to the title; yes, you can be rude when in pain.

Replying to the actual situation: When people are hurting a lot, they need some more consideration. The pain causes a huge spike in adrenaline, and having lots of that stuff in your body doesn't make you any nicer. I have flipped out to others when being in sudden big pain.

If you want to resolve the situation as it stands now, explain why you reacted the way you did; you were in a lot of pain and under stress. When more stress is added by someone yelling at you and accusing you, the stress gets funneled at this person, like lightning travels through a lightning rod. The normal defenses that we have to handle such situations are down. Expecting you to stay nice to her while she was yelling at you and while you were in a lot of pain is just too much to ask for.
You may also want to ask (try not to sound angry or defensive) why she reacted the way she did. I know that some people get stressed when someone else yells in pain, which can also translate to strange and rude behavior. If she just wanted to help, try to propose that next time, it may be better if she comes to have a look to assess the situation first, before suggesting something. This may also help a lot more if the situation is more severe than she thought it was.


  • Member
  • Posts: 5085
  • So many books, so little time
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2012, 05:24:22 AM »
Agree completely with girlysprite on all aspects.
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice


  • Member
  • Posts: 1110
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2012, 06:29:32 AM »
You can be but you weren't. I can't even imagine bellowing from another room at someone who is hurt, and then getting upset when they don't follow my directions. That sounds controlling. Especially when he didn't apologize and back down when he heard what had actually happened.


  • Member
  • Posts: 750
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2012, 08:51:54 AM »
I don't think you were rude at all. Even if you had burned your hand if you didn't want to put it under running water he shouldn't yell at you about it.

Does he think he's the boss of everything? /


  • Member
  • Posts: 1782
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2012, 09:05:40 AM »
POD to PP.

This is why I can't live with anyone, his stuff would already be on the lawn by now.


  • Member
  • Posts: 9210
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2012, 09:15:18 AM »
The roommate instigated the situation but you also responded rudely by engaging in yelling and name calling.  Understandable given that you were in pain, but your response was rude.  Not as rude as his though. 

I think a simple apology the next day initiated by either of you could have resolved the hard feelings.


  • Member
  • Posts: 7439
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2012, 09:20:38 AM »
When you are in pain, you WILL say some unfortunate things.  It isn't necessarily rudeness. 

When in pain, anyone will be more self-absorbed than usual.

A simple apology from both parties when the dust has settled should be sufficient. 

I do hope your finger is feeling better.   


  • Member
  • Posts: 13552
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2012, 10:03:14 AM »
Roommate should have gotten off his whachamacallit and gone into the kitchen to see what had happened and whether he could help you.  I can think of any number of things that would leave you unable to talk.  could have could have passed out, been attacked by an intruder, inhaled something and couldn't make a sound and on and on and on. 
I don't want him around in an emergency if his idea of helping is yelling instructions to an injured person from the other room. 
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

rose red

  • Member
  • Posts: 9956
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2012, 10:26:42 AM »
^That's what I was thinking.  If I call out to someone and they don't answer, I'll go see what's up, not yell out insults because an injured person dared to "ignore" me.

I don't think the OP has anything to apologize for.


  • Member
  • Posts: 720
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2012, 10:34:42 AM »
I banged my head ducking under a street sign when i got off a bus. A young woman following me screeched "CRUD MONKEYS!! are you o.k.?" and grabbed my arm with such force that it too ended up hurting, and when I pulled my arm away sharply and was a bit short in my reply, stomped off shouting "I was only trying to help" Moral of the story, grabbng someone that hard does not help!


  • Member
  • Posts: 628
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2012, 01:38:04 PM »
Well, yes, you were rude. So was Roomie. One does not cancel or justify the other.

It's possible to be polite, even when in pain. Even when in shocking, startled pain. Even when in prolonged, chronic pain.

At this point, apologizing for your part in it would be appropriate. A quick, "I'm sorry I reacted rudely. I should not have shouted at you and called you insulting names." and then leaving it, could provide an open door for Roomie to say an "I'm sorry", too. It might not.

Either way, shouting and screaming at someone in another room is rude. You did have the option to stay mute, respond with a pinched and quiet, "Slammed my finger" when Roomie came into the room, or to just not scream back at Roomie.

Pain does not justify ugly behavior, in my opinion. It's still possible to maintain a bit of politeness. People do it every day.


  • Member
  • Posts: 14034
  • It's too darned hot! (song from Kiss Me, Kate)
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2012, 06:23:41 PM »
I had a friend who ended up being pushed off the table she was standing on (no ladder available) by someone who was "just trying to help" kept crowding her closer & closer to the OTHER side of the table while not listening the protestations of "I have it under control" and the requsts for "could you not get quite so close"  - and she had to have knee surgery to "fix" the damage. 

Ever after, she avoided Mrs. Knott Helpful when she saw her...Mrs. Knott Helpfull didn't understand why another church member would try so hard to avoid her vicinity....the cane she carried for three years didn't refresh her memory, apparently.

But yeah - being in pain does do things to the etiquette filter....removing it, usually.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?


  • Member
  • Posts: 863
Re: Can I be rude if I'm in pain?
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2012, 06:34:16 PM »
I think it is just instinct that when you have hurt yourself you want others to keep their distance while you figure out what has happened and deal with the shock and pain. A lot of people's 'helping' is not helping at all and if you need to tell them in no uncertain terms then so be it.

My idiot ex once decided to pick me up and run down the street with me despite my protestations to put me down. He tripped and sent me flying face first down the asphalt and I ended up with deep grazes and stones embedded in my forearms, knees and face. Blood everywhere and in a lot of pain. I did not want anyone to come near me and anyone who tried got yelled at to back off. The last thing you want is people trying to touch you and injure you even more.