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Author Topic: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything? Small Update - #57  (Read 39080 times)

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Just Lori

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything? Small Update - #57
« Reply #60 on: October 26, 2012, 09:46:33 AM »
I really hope the OP realizes that she has been put in an impossible situation, and whatever choice she makes is not the "right" or the "wrong" choice, it's what's right for her.

My husband was in the difficult situation of overhearing conversations his brother was having with a woman he (the brother) was cheating with.  It was a case of being 90 percent sure of his gut, but he didn't know what to do with the information, and he didn't do anything until BIL was caught by SIL a few months later.  I know he felt guilty for not stepping up earlier, but really, the guilty party was his brother.  Cheating doesn't only affect the cheaters. It affects the people around them as well.

I hope the OP's situation resolves itself before the wedding, regardless of the outcome.  I once heard cheating described as a "soul sucking" experience, and I think it's an apt description.


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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #61 on: November 11, 2012, 01:05:29 PM »
If one of my friends knew that I was being cheated on and didn't tell me? When I found out I'd be out a partner and a friend. Some secrets aren't meant to be kept. There's a fine line between protecting someone and hurting them in a situation like this. Give me the information and trust that I'm enough of an adult to handle myself.

This is exactly how I feel.  I would not be upset or hurt if a random acquaintance didn't tell me but a friend?  If a friend knew something like that and didn't tell me, he or she would no longer be a friend.  What are they risking?  A difficult conversation?  Awkwardness?  Being wrong maybe?  At the very worst they are risking being on the receiving end of "shooting the messenger" syndrome.  Which I understand is unfair and not fun but still not even in the same uiverse as me risking my life through potentially getting an STD because I didn't know.  Or being humiliated when I finally find out and find out that all my friends knew.  To me, a TRUE friend will stick their neck out and tell.  I know that I would do it, no questions asked.  If I lost a friendship over it, I would still know in my heart that I did the right thing for the right motivations, to protect my friend and nothing more.

When my DH found out that his ex-wife was cheating, he called the guy up and said "either you tell your wife or I will.  She deserves to know".  I respect him immensely for that.  I think it was absolutely the right thing for him to do.  The other guy did end up confessing to his wife, and they decided to stay together and work it out, but at least she was able to make that informed decision and their marriage got the counseling that it needed.  Not every affair is a permanant relationship killer, but I believe that everyone deserves the information with which to make INFORMED decisions about their relationships.

Now the OP's situation is different, in that she is not friends with the wronged parties, only the cheaters.  I think in that case, I would talk to the cheaters and tell them that they owe it to their partners to come clean.  If they didn't, I personally would not be able to attend the wedding or be friends with either one of these people.  I do have to agree that in most cases an acquaintance shouldn't be the person giving the news.  iPersonally, I'd still want to know, even if it was only an acquaintance who told me, but I don't think an acquaintance has as much or any obligation as a friend to tell.


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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything? Small Update - #57
« Reply #62 on: November 12, 2012, 04:30:30 AM »
I don't think that you have any obligation to say anything, and if you do, I think that should be to Peter and Vanessa only.

Your choice is whether or not you want to / are willing to remain friends with them knowing what you know (or suspect).

In your place, I would probably be distancing myself from both of them, and I would let them know what I had heard and (unless there was an innocent explanation) that I did not approve and felt I could not continue to be friendly with them unless they were going to be honest with their respective partners.

I would not however be putting myself into the middle of their relationships with their partners.

The position might be different if I was a close friend of one of the partners, and felt I have a loyalty to them, but in the scenario described that isn't the position, so I think you should limit your involvment to the part which affects you,  which is deciding  whether you are willing to maintain any kind of friendship with Vanessa or Peter, and letting them know why you have decided to distance yourself, if you do.

If Vanessa does raise the subject when she meets with you then I think, as a friedn, you can make it clear to her that her behviour is not appropriate (assuming she does admit that there is an affair) and strongly advise her to be honest with her husband.

Cz. Burrito

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything? Small Update - #57
« Reply #63 on: November 13, 2012, 03:27:12 PM »
I was in the position of the cheated-upon. My ex's coworker was privy to all the details, as in he was actually confiding everything. The coworker's wife and I were kind of friends but not very close friends.  It put her in an absolutely terrible position.  She never told me, but when I found out on my own (13 months into the affair), she was more than happy to answer any of my questions.  I wish I had known earlier.  I don't think I would have been prepared to necessarily do anything with the information right away, but I would have known why things seemed different in my relationship and I would have been spared a year of gaslighting.

In the position of being the person who knew about the affair, I weighed the pros and cons of telling the woman's husband for several months before deciding that I was better off for knowing and that I thought he deserved the knowledge as well.  I don't think there's any way of really knowing whether or not telling is the right decision -- I still don't know if I made the right choice -- but you just have to do what feels right in your gut.

I think the worst thing about cheaters is the collateral damage all around them.  They often force friends and family to bear a burden that they had/have no say in.