Author Topic: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything? Small Update - #57  (Read 17651 times)

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Audrey Quest

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #15 on: October 12, 2012, 01:54:28 PM »
for your own sanity, don't say anything.

Forget what you know.

These situations are very emotionally charged and can very messy very quickly.  By passing on information you enter the drama.
 
Yes, it's hard to keep the secret but talking about it makes it worse, not better.

This is one of those situations where trying to sae the drowning swimmer ends up with that swimmer taking you down with them.

Messy sticky, horrible, awkward...  been there.  Stay clear, stay sane.

Amara

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #16 on: October 12, 2012, 02:05:41 PM »
I agree with Audrey and others who believe you shouldn't say anything. If there was, or especially if there still is, an affair, it's going to come out. Maybe not now, but at some point it will. And bullets will fly. People will be hurt, there will likely be a lot of anger, and even some people not involved beyond friendship will likely get severely hurt.

I know I would want to say something, especially to the fiancee and spouse but I also know that nothing good will come of that for me. It hurts to watch betrayal, which almost never stays a secret forever. But truly, go with Audrey's suggestion and forget it. Forget you read anything; forget you heard anything. If you want to opt out of the wedding invent a small lie--you have to be out of town for family or business, you had a sudden emergency, etc.

SleepyKitty

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #17 on: October 12, 2012, 02:09:10 PM »
I think it depends on what exactly you know, or think you know, and how close you are to the involved people.  A flirty text is nothing, in my opinion, to potential destroy several relationships over, especially if you do not know the context or backstory or the level of acceptability to the involved parties.  I am also not sure what exactly you overheard. 

I think there can be times when I would confront the cheaters, but based on what you've told us in the OP, this is not one of them.

This.

It just doesn't sound like you have all the facts. It sounds like the information that you do have is somewhat vague. You also don't seem to know the in's and out's of these relationships to know what is acceptable to them. You also seem to think that this is a secret amongst the couples... and it may not be. I see way too much potential for this to blow up at you.

Pod-ing the above. In general, I agree with Frostblooded that you should tell the person being cheated on. Their health is in danger - and in this case, since the woman being cheated on is pregnant, so is the health of a child - so to me that is a case of safety trumping etiquette. I would be horrified if people knew I was being cheated on and did not tell me, and it would likely mean cutting whomever knew but kept silent out of my life. But that really only applies in a case where you are absolutely sure of what's going on, and it sounds like you're not absolutely sure. What do you mean when you say your suspicions were confirmed?

jmarvellous

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #18 on: October 12, 2012, 02:21:07 PM »
Talk to Vanessa, then go from there. Frame it as wanting to understand what you've seen, not as a confrontation or accusation. If she admits it, let her know you'll letting the woman know shortly -- give them a chance to come clean so you don't look like the bad guy.

Good luck. I don't envy you a bit.

Danika

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #19 on: October 12, 2012, 02:46:23 PM »
Talk to Vanessa, then go from there. Frame it as wanting to understand what you've seen, not as a confrontation or accusation. If she admits it, let her know you'll letting the woman know shortly -- give them a chance to come clean so you don't look like the bad guy.

Good luck. I don't envy you a bit.

POD

and hugs to you

Devix

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #20 on: October 12, 2012, 03:05:36 PM »
If you do tell Peter's Fiance, be prepared to be called a liar and all sorts of horrible things.  If I was the fiance and someone came up to me just a week before my wedding while I was pregnant to tell me that my DF was having an affair I would want absolute solid proof.  Not just someone saying that they saw a message or overheard something.  Think about it, who would you believe; your fiance and the father of your child or some woman you have only met once or twice? 

Also, cheaters aren't known to be the most moral of people so I'm sure Peter will find some way to spin this by saying that you always harbored some deep feelings for him and are jealous that he's getting married so you're making all of this up. 

It's a really tough spot to be put into and I'm very sorry you found yourself in the middle of it.  My only advise is that if you do tell Peter or Vanessa's S/O you will need hard proof or they will turn it against you.  I'd just keep out of it myself but that's self-preservation talking. 

SoCalVal

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #21 on: October 12, 2012, 03:08:23 PM »
I've been in this situation (knowing the information).  There was no question what was going on because both of the individuals involved were confiding in me (fortunately, I lived nowhere near either of them).  They, too, had been seriously involved in their younger years and split up then Cheater 1 got married.  I kept my mouth shut, but I learned later from Cheater 2 (who was the one in the committed relationship when the affair began -- Cheater 1 had since gotten a divorce) that the SO already suspected something was going on and feared Cheater 2 was going to run off and be with Cheater 1.

Fast forward a few years, and the affair is long over.  I think it ended once Cheater 1 also got into a serious relationship (which happened after Cheater 1 was out of the area for a year or two).  I'm glad I never said anything (not that I was going to, although I never approved of what they were doing but said nothing).  The irony?  Cheater 2 and SO (then and is spouse now) were having an affair before and during the affair with Cheater 1.  Cheater 2's SO was engaged to marry someone else when they first got together (Cheater 2 and SO).

Oddly, everyone is happily paired off, now, and married with kids.  Me?  I continue to keep my mouth shut about ALL the affairs (and other things that I won't mention here).

I might be going against the grain here, but I say stay out of it.

Side note -- sorry if the lack of names might be confusing, but I am purposely keeping gender out of the picture.



Danika

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #22 on: October 12, 2012, 03:11:20 PM »
If you do decide to tell Peter's fiancee, my advice would be to send her an anonymous note, so that you're not persecuted for being a messenger. I would mail it, postmarked in a city that doesn't readily identify you and I would say only what you know to be factual, not conjecture.

rose red

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #23 on: October 12, 2012, 03:41:14 PM »
This has nothing to do with the actual topic, but there seems to be some confusion that the bride is still pregnant.  The OP said she already had the baby recently.  Don't know if that changes any answers but I like to keep the facts straight  :).

DavidH

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #24 on: October 12, 2012, 04:37:13 PM »
From what you've said, I don't think you know they are having an affair, you have suspicions.  Knowing is one of them telling you, seeing them playing scrabble, that type of thing.  A flirty text is perhaps in bad taste, but maybe not even that.  If you feel you must do something, I'd ask Vanessa about it and then decide what to do.  Telling the fiance, who you don't know about this is unlikely to end well.  Sending an anonymous letter seems just petty and unlikely to accomplish much since why should she believe it.


SleepyKitty

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #25 on: October 12, 2012, 04:55:06 PM »
This has nothing to do with the actual topic, but there seems to be some confusion that the bride is still pregnant.  The OP said she already had the baby recently.  Don't know if that changes any answers but I like to keep the facts straight  :).

Whoops - I made that mistake. Doesn't really change my answer, but sorry to the OP.

Rosewater

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #26 on: October 12, 2012, 10:41:11 PM »
Many people disagree about this topic.  To not tell the unknowing party is to possibly give them a death sentence because they did not know they needed to seek medical attention or to allow a disease to take root in their body that can have long term complications.  Not everything can be fixed with a quick shot of penicillin anymore, some diseases are now not only horribly virulent but also drug resistant.

You must tell, even if costs you the friendship because it the right and moral thing to do.  Send them an anonymous e-mail from a public computer or an anonymous note.  It doesn't matter how they are told so much as that they actually be told.  If you are OK with someone having a disease they could pass on possibly even to their children or that could end their life years yearly then feel free to keep silent.

The choice really is that simple. 

IMHO it's just wrong to knowingly let someone marry a cheater without giving them the freedom of choice to decide for themselves if they are willing to marry a person who lacks that moral integrity.  Silence makes that choice for them and gives them no chance to change things in a way that may be best for them.

If I found out someone knew and didn't tell me this information I would cut them out of my life and social circle like a cancer. 
« Last Edit: October 12, 2012, 10:46:18 PM by Rosewater »
Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

NyaChan

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #27 on: October 12, 2012, 10:55:41 PM »
Rose water, I get that you feel strongly about this, but not all people want to be told about their SO's infidelity.  The bad people here are the two cheaters - I don't think not telling makes a person immoral if there are valid reasons for keeping quiet such as not actually knowing if there is cheating happening.

Frostblooded

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #28 on: October 12, 2012, 11:16:58 PM »
Rose water, I get that you feel strongly about this, but not all people want to be told about their SO's infidelity.  The bad people here are the two cheaters - I don't think not telling makes a person immoral if there are valid reasons for keeping quiet such as not actually knowing if there is cheating happening.

And the ramifications of them and STD's?

NyaChan

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #29 on: October 12, 2012, 11:30:22 PM »
The fault is on the people who passed on the disease not the OP.  Imagine if she is wrong and nothing happened? You've basically maligned him to his fiancÚ and put him in the position of having to prove that nothing happened, which is impossible.