Author Topic: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything? Small Update - #57  (Read 18465 times)

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Allyson

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #30 on: October 12, 2012, 11:58:06 PM »
As to the STD thing, I think it is often a red herring. Yes, there's a chance that that could happen, but that's not usually the result of this kind of affair (as opposed to the 'sleeping with everyone one meets in bars' kind of affair.) Emotional devastation, betrayal and other things are much more likely and thus what I would focus on. I look at it like this--if I knew a friend of mine had slept with someone *before* they started dating their current, but hadn't told their current, there's also a risk of disease. But because there's no betrayal there, I don't think most people would have the emotional 'tell them!' response that one gets with cheating. I am not saying that it never happens, so please don't tell me horror stories where it did! I just mean that I don't think that possibility should be the *sole* determining factor. Even if I knew that both people involved were totally safe and disease-free, there's still Issues.

I think you should talk to Vanessa. If it were me, it would be absolutely eating me up not to say anything about this. But I don't think *in this case* that you have enough information to go to the partners, considering you don't know them very well. I don't think it's a moral duty to say 'I saw a suspicious text and heard a comment that sounds like an affair is happening'. Largely because it seems like it's very likely that the partner wouldn't believe you, so no good is actually being done, or harm prevented.

CinnamonGirl

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #31 on: October 13, 2012, 03:05:51 AM »
That's a tough one.

I'd say talk to Vanessa and then stay out of it.
Good luck x

starry diadem

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #32 on: October 13, 2012, 04:14:10 AM »
Stay out of it.  It's really none of your business and getting involved in other people's often complex relationships, when you are not privy to every facet of them, is a recipe for disaster.

As to the suggestions of an anonymous note to the fiancée, that is the most underhanded thing I can remember seeing on these boards and can't believe it's a serious suggestion, that anyone should stoop so low.  If you're going to interfere with other people's affairs, then you should own responsibility for your actions and the consequences - generic 'you'. 
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Tea Drinker

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #33 on: October 13, 2012, 02:52:07 PM »
Not only does an anonymous note seem underhanded, I think it's less likely to be effective.

If Vanessa hears "I think your husband is having an affair, because of $evidence" she may or may not believe it, or talk to him if she does. An anonymous note with the same content is much more likely to be dismissed as being because of dubious motives. For example, the unknown sender's jealousy, hatred of one or both parties, or even desire to split Vanessa from her husband so the sender can make a play for one of them.

That would leave Vanessa not only with the question of "do I believe this, and what should I do if my husband is having an affair?" but with the suspicion that someone out there hates her and/or her husband enough to try to break up their marriage.
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Carpathia

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #34 on: October 13, 2012, 04:46:17 PM »
I was in this situation once (knowing about an affair) and I still don't know what to do if I ever get put in that situation again. In my case however I knew for certain about the affair because one of the cheating parties told me.

There are usually four things that can happen (all you's are general);

You say nothing. The affair is either never discovered or it is discovered, but you are not involved so can stay out of it.

You say nothing, the affair is discovered and it comes out that you knew about it but kept quiet. The cheated-on party is angry at you for not telling them. If they are part of your social circle, the issue polarises them.

You tell the cheated-on party (whether or not you speak to the cheaters first). They either disbelieve you and hate you for it, and the social circle is involved and splits.

You tell the cheated-on party and they are grateful.

From what I can tell, the last one never happens. In your case, because nobody knows that you know you are less likely to face the second scenario.

I really do hate people who put others in this situation.

Amara

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #35 on: October 13, 2012, 05:26:07 PM »
The text on its own referred to a meeting and was quite flirty but not necessarily evidence of anything specific. I walked in on them when they thought they were alone and I overheard him discussing sexual matters so I can't see there is any doubt that a physical affair has taken place even if it is now over.

OP, it sounds like no one knows that you know or suspect anything. Is that right? If so, you do have the option of saying nothing. Even if it blows up no one need ever know that you saw that text or overheard anything. If this is the case, then your secret can be safe with you. Then you only need decide how you want to handle it.

I still think you should say nothing and try to forget it. Your behavior stays to same to everyone. But if you do feel the need to say something, then when you and Vanessa are alone and the atmosphere is right that would be the best time. Be aware, though, that if you ever say anything to her (or to anyone else) and the affair does blow up then it will surely come out that you knew. And you will be blamed for something by almost everyone--Peter, Vanessa, Peter's finance, and your other friends. I encourage you to think very carefully about your choice because the repercussions could be immense down the road.

Danika

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #36 on: October 13, 2012, 10:27:02 PM »
I think I wouldn't be able to attend the wedding knowing that the groom doesn't sound 100% devoted to the bride.

But I don't know if they have an open relationship. Some marriages are different from mine and maybe marriage doesn't mean a committed relationship to them. I don't what it would mean instead, but it's food for thought.

I know that *I* would want to know if my fiance or husband were cheating on me. I would want someone to tell me something so that my eyes were open. I would rather have a very suspicious anonymous note that said "check your fiance's text messages, his credit card statements and ask where he was on Friday, July 11" than no heads up at all.

On the other hand, I don't know the statistics on how many people don't want to know if their mate is cheating on them. I don't know how many people can live with a cheater and choose to stay in the relationship, or how many people would rather live in denial.

I also imagine, but don't know, that someone who is being cheating on regularly, either through one-night-stands or with a regular person on the side would have some clues that their mate isn't faithful. If your mate is gone a lot or there are other telltale signs, you might not need someone else to tell you that they are cheating.

I think the term "underhanded" in this thread should be reserved for the cheaters, not anyone who might be trying to help the innocent parties.

Shoo

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #37 on: October 13, 2012, 11:16:02 PM »
If you are absolutely certain the affair is happening, you could save your friend a lot of heartache by telling her what's going on.  On the other hand, she might actually prefer to not know, and get angry at you for telling her.  It's not an easy choice, that's for sure.

If it were me, and if it was my friend, I'd tell her.

Shopaholic

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #38 on: October 14, 2012, 02:46:37 AM »
I once discovered an affair. I didn't tell the affected party, but someone else I conifded in did.
Even though she always claimed she wouldn't want to know, she was happy when the truth got out.

Nevertheless, I'll be in the minority here and say to stay far, far away from all this. Especially since you don't know Peter's GF very well.

Coruscation

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #39 on: October 14, 2012, 04:54:12 AM »
I was in this situation once (knowing about an affair) and I still don't know what to do if I ever get put in that situation again. In my case however I knew for certain about the affair because one of the cheating parties told me.

There are usually four things that can happen (all you's are general);

You say nothing. The affair is either never discovered or it is discovered, but you are not involved so can stay out of it.

You say nothing, the affair is discovered and it comes out that you knew about it but kept quiet. The cheated-on party is angry at you for not telling them. If they are part of your social circle, the issue polarises them.

You tell the cheated-on party (whether or not you speak to the cheaters first). They either disbelieve you and hate you for it, and the social circle is involved and splits.

You tell the cheated-on party and they are grateful.

From what I can tell, the last one never happens. In your case, because nobody knows that you know you are less likely to face the second scenario.

I really do hate people who put others in this situation.

Both situations I know of, the cheated on person was grateful. Admittedly, my aunt initially refused to believe it, but after her husband admitted it, she came around and apologised to my mother (her sister) for disbelieving her. And then took him back.


cicero

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #40 on: October 14, 2012, 07:28:00 AM »
what a mess.

I don't know what I *would* do. I know that a lot of people (not just on this board) say to stay out of things like this, that the cheatee (person who is being cheated) always knows, etc. I don't know if that is valid.

I think that what i would *prefer* to do would be to tell the GF as she is the one who is being hurt and she is the one who is going into this marriage blindly (as in she doesn't have all the facts). I understand the OP doesn't really know her but she is still the one i would tell. Talking to Peter and/or Vanessa will not help the GF and probably wouldn't change anything. the oP can't make them stop cheating.

afterwards I would probably distance myself from peter and vanessa because i wouldn't people with no morals as my friends. and the GF will probably distance herself from you anyway because apparently that's what happens in these cases.

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Emmy

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #41 on: October 14, 2012, 08:30:41 AM »
Stay out of it.  It's really none of your business and getting involved in other people's often complex relationships, when you are not privy to every facet of them, is a recipe for disaster.

As to the suggestions of an anonymous note to the fiancée, that is the most underhanded thing I can remember seeing on these boards and can't believe it's a serious suggestion, that anyone should stoop so low.  If you're going to interfere with other people's affairs, then you should own responsibility for your actions and the consequences - generic 'you'.

I have to disagree strongly.  In a situation with no good answers, writing an anonymous e-mail would let the fiance know what was going on without putting the OP at direct risk.  Would sitting back letting a woman continue in a relationship and making vows that you know are bogus be considered taking the high road?  Peter and Vanessa are the immoral ones.  If she knows something is going on, sitting back, and waiting for the fireworks to blow or watching a poor, unsuspecting woman ruin her life seems almost worst than trying to warn her by sending her an anonymous e-mail.  This is one of those situations where even if the OP stepped up to tell her in person, it the fiancee may blame her for fabricating stories, it may isolate her from her group of friends, and Peter and Vanessa may claim innocence and the wedding may go on as planned.   

I don't think there is any good answer, but I don't the OP would be 'wrong' no matter what she tried to do.  The only thing I would add would be that the OP should be 100% sure before doing anything.  Peter and Vanessa are the immoral ones not the OP and I don't feel the OP would be 'stooping low' no matter how she decided to handle the situation.  It seems unfair to judge other posters for making the anonymous note suggestion when they simply would want to let the fiancee know so she could make the right decision without being in the middle of it.  I also like the suggestion of talking to Vanessa about it.  If the OP does keep quiet, I think she should bow out of the wedding and avoid those friends as much as possible.  I also think if you are religious, it may help to talk to a pastor or Rabbi about the situation.

It's hard to say how the fiancee would feel.  It's easy for people to say they would never forgive somebody if they knew such information and were never told.  However, the fiancee might blame OP for being a messenger or just for relaying upsetting information.  Even if she believe the OP, she may decide to go through with the wedding, just because it is so close, she has a baby, and can't imagine backing out at this point, yet still be upset at OP for rocking the boat.  Of course, Peter and Vanessa may convince her it is untrue, she still may doubt, but decide to go through with it anyway.  It is especially likely that the fiancee may not believe the OP because she barely knows her and the OP doesn't have concrete proof, just what she overheard.

ClaireC79

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #42 on: October 14, 2012, 09:16:09 AM »
Why is everyone saying tell the fiance and not mentioning the husband?  surely if you think you should tell one you should tell both

Outdoor Girl

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #43 on: October 14, 2012, 09:50:16 AM »
Why is everyone saying tell the fiance and not mentioning the husband?  surely if you think you should tell one you should tell both

That's what I was thinking, too.
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Deetee

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Re: I wish I didn't know - now I do should I say anything?
« Reply #44 on: October 14, 2012, 10:37:30 AM »
I think there are times I would tell ( if I was close friends with a wronged party) and I had absolute proof of ongoing cheating behaviour) and times I wouldn't ( not close friends and/ or merely strong suspicion).

 Even in the first scenario, I would approach the cheater first and give them a chance to come clean before I told anyone else.

Never been in this situation thank goodness.